I remember in Jacques’s last couple of years that Queen’s song Under Pressure kept running through my mind. I kept thinking, if we can just get through this crisis, this hospitalization, this challenge, that things would get better, but those things just kept piling up, and the pressure was enormous. At times I felt guilty because I couldn’t wish, hope, or pray enough to make him better. I felt guilty because I would get upset with him for things way beyond his control. I felt frustrated because I had given up my business and my profession to care for him. All this and much more kept building up to the point where although all my focus was on him, I started to fall apart.
I realized that I needed to talk to someone, but I didn’t know who, and I felt guilty taking time away from his care to care for me. Then a miraculous blessing came into my life when my best friend from high school knocked at my door. I hadn’t seen her for many years because she had moved to Alaska. Our friendship had remained strong even through the absence. She took one look at me and saw I needed support. Her caring for me made all the difference in the world. She ended up staying with me Jacques’ last few months and for a few months after that. She lovingly shared Jacques’ care and saw to it that I was taking care of me. But most of all, she listened. Whether it was talking about the current challenges or reminiscing times past, we talked for hours.
And we laughed. Her presence allowed me to vent all that pressure that had built up inside and have room in my chest to breathe again. This reminded me of my pressure cooker. To use a pressure cooker, you have to seal it and steam builds up pressure inside so that the food cooks quickly. When the cooking is done, the pressure has to be released by cooling and slowly opening a valve on the lid. The remaining steam hisses out, and only when the steam stops is it safe to open that lid without the risk of an explosion. My slow venting of all my pressure to Yvonne allowed me to stabilize, to breathe, to face what was coming, yet face it slowly, one moment at a time.
If your pressure is building up, find a way to vent it slowly and safely. Find a friend, a counselor, a minister, someone who will just listen until you have vented all you need to so that you are able to be open again. If there is not someone readily available that you trust, start by pouring out everything into a journal. You will discover that you can release built up anger and guilt knowing that those qualities don’t serve you. When all your steam is vented, you can breathe deep breaths again and focus on the moment. In that moment, you are alive, you are breathing, you are beautiful, and you are loved. Focus on that, one moment at a time, and release that pressure every time it starts to build up. You will discover that it builds up less and less, and that allows you the strength you need right now.
