I wrote an open letter to Moms who have had pregnancy losses, stillborn babies, and infants and young children who died. I am sharing this letter with you today in case you are in this special sisterhood of moms, or if you know someone who is. Please share this message for any mom you know will be dealing with this loss on this and every Mother’s Day.
When we first start to think about having a baby, we picture the perfect little bundle we love to hold and rock. We prepare by learning everything we can about taking care of ourselves while pregnant and taking care of our precious baby when it arrives. We are not likely to be thinking that our experience will be less than perfect, but so often everything does not turn out the way we expected.
Something we don’t often think about is that the process of becoming a mother requires being brave. From the moment you become pregnant, and even before that if you are trying to get pregnant, you start showing signs of bravery like showing the strength you have to go through the physical process of being pregnant and having a baby, and to deal with all the emotions that come along with that. You have the courage to deal with changes in your body, in your relationships, and your finances. You have the strength to evolve into the mother you always wanted to be. And you are devastated when things don’t turn out the way you planned. The good news is that when this happens, ultimately you will gain strength from dealing with your loss. I discovered writing about my baby was a great comfort to me when I needed it the most.
So it is the fall of 1969. After two years as an infertility patient, I am finally pregnant. I am so excited to tell my parents who had two granddaughters and were hoping that I would have a son. Mom and I had never talked much, but we do talk about this baby. She teaches me how to crochet, and the first thing I make is a baby blanket. My husband was pleased that we had finally succeeded, and the baby is on the way.
Then, I started bleeding. My doctor put me on bedrest and I strictly obeyed his instructions knowing I would do anything for this precious baby. I was in bed for a month, except for going to his office once a week to get a shot of something that was supposed to help my situation. Then one night, I knew that my time with this pregnancy was up and we went to the hospital. I didn’t really understand what was happening when it did, and when I asked, they just said I wasn’t pregnant anymore. I asked to see the baby, and they wouldn’t let me. I asked if it was a boy or a girl, and they told me not to worry about that. I asked them what would happen to the baby now, and they wouldn’t tell me that either. I had lost so much blood that kept me in the hospital for a couple of days to build my strength. All the while, I was having nightmares about where my baby had been taken and why they wouldn’t let me see him. I just knew he was a boy. This was so long ago, and at that time, they thought keeping information from the mother was best for her. Of course, we know now that it is not.
When I returned home, my husband stayed away, not talking to me about what had happened. I was sure he was disappointed in me because I had lost the baby. I had never heard of anyone having a miscarriage before, so I thought there must be something very wrong with me. I had no one to talk to, so I started writing to Matthew, my name for my baby. The more I wrote to him, the better I felt. I realized that I hadn’t done anything wrong, and I hadn’t failed. My Matthew became my guardian angel. I found comfort in my silent conversations with him, and I found my strength again. And eventually, I became pregnant again. I knew this time that I would have a boy and that somehow Matthew knew him. Later I had another baby, a girl this time. In the many moves I have had since then, that journal I wrote in disappeared, but I have continued throughout my life having my silent conversations with Matthew.
When we experience something as traumatic as the loss of a pregnancy, a baby, or a child, we often feel helpless with such a variety of feelings to deal with. If we choose to ignore those feelings and try to go on like nothing happened, we are likely to keep feeling worse, yet we may be afraid to deal with what has happened. To move forward in our lives, finding comfort after our loss is essential. Instead of hiding your feelings, try writing about them. You will discover that the more you write, the easier it is to deal with those feelings.
So now let me help you get started writing. No matter how recent your loss, now is the time to get a special journal just for writing about it. Write from the perspective as the mother you are. I am going to give you a list of things to write about to get you started. I have these questions on a handout for you, so for now, just listen to the ideas. Then we will take about 10 minutes to write about that one item.
- Write about how you felt when you discovered you were going to be a mom. Include all the details, positive and negative. What were your plans, your hopes, and dreams? What were you doing to get ready? What kind of life were your planning for your child?
- Write about the experience of your loss. Include all the details. What happened? How did you handle it? Who was there for you?I know that recalling all this is hard, and it is painful. Write about it anyway. What happens is that when you keep all this experience in your mind, you can almost torture yourself with it, like I did when I didn’t know what happened with my baby. When you write out your experience, the process starts for you to be able to deal better with your loss. You may need to write the experience several times in different ways focusing on different aspects of your loss. The more you write, the less you will have to write. Compare this to washing clothes. They can start out very dirty, but the more you wash them, the cleaner and brighter they become.
- Write about things you would have loved to experience with your baby and follow through with this as time goes by exploring everything about your child.
- Write what you will tell other children you have about this baby they didn’t get to meet. Talk to them about the beauty of unconditional love that you share with all your children.
- Write on holidays and special days like when school would start. Talk to them about how they would like to dress up for Halloween or what they would love to get in their stockings for Christmas.
- Write about what activities they would enjoy growing up from sports to clubs, to art they would like to create.
- What would their experience as a teenager be? What college would they like to go to. What career would they like to have?
- Write them every birthday and every Mother’s Day. Those days are especially likely to bring up thoughts and feelings.
Matthew was due on Labor Day and would have turned 50 last Fall. I am grateful I have had him with me through our silent conversations throughout my life.
Let me finish by recalling one of my journal entries to him. You can see from this that over time, the thoughts your write of how life would have been with that child can bring your smiles instead of pain.
Dear Matthew,
It’s Labor Day and today would have been your eighth birthday. We are having our friends over to have a bar-b-q. How you would have loved hamburgers and potato salad. I made a big, luscious chocolate cake with homemade vanilla ice cream, which I know would have been your favorite. I would love to have given you an easel and a whole set of paint since I know you love to create things. Your brother and sister would have loved to celebrate with you. You hold such a special place in my heart. I will always carry you there.
Love,
Momma
Now start your own journey with your child. Write all about everything you can think of related to your loss. And keep writing until you know that you don’t need to anymore.
I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.
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