Are you a complainer? I certainly was at one time in my life. I didn’t see it at the time, but I was constantly criticizing. Nothing was ever quite right or good enough. I rarely was satisfied. As I reflect on that time, I can see how unhappy all that complaining was making me. My food wasn’t hot enough or cold enough. The movie I saw wasn’t that great. My friend stood me up. My coworker didn’t get her job done so I had to pick up the slack. There was no way I could get my assignment done on time. I was always tired. I remembered a phrase I used to say in my childhood: “Nobody likes me. Everybody hates met. I am going to eat worms and die.” Yuk! That was no way to live!
Then someone pointed out to me that I was always playing the victim, and that no one wanted to be friends with someone so negative. What got me the most is that I had never realized I was doing that. The people around me all seemed to be playing the same game, and I saw that I didn’t really want to be around them either! Something had to change.
How does this situation apply to grieving? Because most people grieving slip into victimhood at some point, and the deeper you slide down the slope, the harder it is to pull yourself back up. Do you see when you played the victim roll? Or maybe you are doing that now? The good news is that you don’t have to stay there.
Early in your grief is the time that this is most likely to happen, and if you don’t realize that you are playing the victim, it’s only going to get worse. How can you tell if this is what you are doing? Answer these questions to help you decide:
- Do you find yourself saying “Nobody understands what I am going through”?
- Do you spend lots of time alone because you feel like no one wants to be around you?
- Did you have friends before your loss that you don’t have anymore?
- Do you eat too much or not enough because it doesn’t matter what you look like?
- Do you complain a lot, even if it is just to yourself?
- Are you negative much of the time?
There are lots more questions I could ask, but if you find yourself answering yes to any of these questions, chances are you are playing the victim. The more of these questions you answer yes to, the further into victimhood you have drifted.
Often you might see these traits in people you know who are dealing with grief and loss. When this happens, be sure to check yourself out and see if you are a reacting to them as a victim yourself. And try reaching out to them in positive ways, gently showing them evidence of some of the good and beauty and love in their lives.
What about you, though? What can you do for you? The first step is recognizing the situation you are in. That’s half the battle. If you can see it, you can deal with it. For instance, if you find yourself saying “Nobody knows how I feel,” try looking around you. Everybody deals with grief and loss at some points in their lives. You are likely to discover that people you care about think that nobody knows how they are feeling either. When you identify a friend who you know has had a loved one die recently, try reaching out. Try saying something positive to them. The more you put yourself in the positive space by showing your care, the more likely people are to show you they care about you, too.
If you are spending lots of time alone, do something about that. Call a friend on the phone. Hearing the voice of someone you care about can help. Get together with people if you can, and if that doesn’t work for you right now because of social distancing, do it online. You could join the Grief and Happiness Alliance online (it’s free) and discover new friends there who are also dealing with loss. Of find an activity you can do. I learned how to draw and paint by watching YouTube videos and finding free online classes. Doing something new and different, especially if it is something you always wanted to do, can really raise your spirits.
If you recognize a tendency toward victimhood, and you know you don’t want to be there, you can fix this situation! The key is your desire to make a change. Recognize when you start saying or feeling negative and adjust what you are saying or feeling right when you recognize it. Be patient with yourself and start focusing on positivity and you can move forward. You can do this! Brighten up your life right now! You will be so glad you did!
You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which will meet weekly starting November 14 by clicking here:
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I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.
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