I wrote an Instagram post this week that said, “I have heard that the death of a spouse is the number one stressor in life.” I realize now that I inspired anger and comparison, and that was not my intention for making this statement. Each experience of grief is unique and any comparison in grief can be damaging. Every experience of grief I have had in my lifetime has been different. I can’t compare the loss of my husbands, or father, or mother, or grandparents, or aunts and uncles, or good friends, or my unborn baby. My love for each of these people was great and incomparable to any other relationship I have had.
Theodore Roosevelt was credited for saying that “Comparison is the thief of joy.” That makes sense to me. Every one of us experiences grief in our own way for each experience of grief we have. What is important here is to individually focus on that. It really doesn’t matter how many people attend a celebration of life, or how many months anyone was unable to continue their normal activities, or any other comparisons.
What does matter is that we each take good care of ourselves as we experience grief, and that we also provide comfort, support, love, and happiness to those people we care about who are experiencing grief. Do that in any way, and don’t worry about how much or how little anyone else has done.
I love the author, Byron Katie. She says: “I discovered that when I believed my thoughts I suffered, but when I didn’t believe them, I didn’t suffer, and that this is true for every human being. Freedom is as simple as that.” She has developed something she calls The Work that I use when I find I need some support in how to handle things. In The Work, she encourages you to ask yourself four questions to help you discover if what you are thinking is what you need to pay attention to. When you find things that you are focusing on do not support you or help you feel better, all you need to do is ask yourself her questions. This is a link to her questions and guidance how to use them: https://thework.com/instruction-the-work-byron-katie/
If you find yourself saying something that could be a judgement of how someone else is grieving, use the work and see what happens. Her first question is “Is it true?” Often, that’s all I need to say to myself. Then I will release what I was thinking. I’ll feel lighter. Smile, and move forward.
You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa
You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.
You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763
I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.
Join my Facebook group here.
