Everyone has a mind which acts like our closest friend. Our mind talks to us more than anyone else we know, and it doesn’t always seem to be on our side. Offering advice is one of its favorite things to do. I know sometimes I will say something I don’t mean, and I can just see my mind in the background laughing and saying “See, I made you say that!” When this happens, I realize that I have to be mindful of each word I speak.
In that early time alone after my husband died, my mind was especially active. Reflecting my feeling of being lost and not knowing what to do, my mind seemed especially agitated saying things like “You’re always going to be alone,” “You’re too sad to do anything,” “Or you don’t need to eat now. It’s too much trouble.” Trying to consciously think about anything seemed too hard, so my mind would jump in to fill up all the emptiness.
Now when I hear people who are dealing with loss saying things like my mind was saying to me, I realize that those negative words aren’t coming from their hearts, and I see how their mind would love to take over and make them even more confused about what they are dealing with.
What can you do about this? First, recognize what is happening. When you are mindful, you can take control of your life. To be mindful means to be conscious and aware. You focus on the present moment and communicate from there from your heart. Do you remember times your mind took over and wasn’t acting in your best interests, and maybe you didn’t have the energy to disagree with it? I remember my mind telling me I didn’t need to get out of bed, I didn’t need to talk to anyone, and I didn’t need to eat healthily. Giving in to what it was telling me was easier than using my energy to talk back.
When you realize that your mind is keeping you confused, it’s time to take action. The first step is to realize that you are in control. You can make decisions about what is best for you. And your mind isn’t your enemy. It’s just doing what it knows how to do. The very best way to deal with this is to make friends with your mind. I know this may sound silly, but most of what your mind is doing is trying to get your attention. Your attention is a precious gift. What you pay attention to guides all you do in life.
Let’s start with meditation. I hear people say they can’t just sit still and have their mind clear. Most people say this, and do you know who is telling them that? You’re right, it’s their minds. Try sitting up straight in a chair with your feet on the floor. I like to meditate barefooted. Close your eyes and take a slow, deep breath. Is your mind talking to you? Reminding you that you don’t have time to sit around, or reminding you about that yummy chocolate cake calling to you from the kitchen? When this happens, thank your mind. Tell your mind how much you appreciate how hard it is trying to help you. Tell your mind that it’s time for it to relax and take a break. Wish it well, then go back to your meditation.
This isn’t easy to do when you first get started, but the more you do it, the easier it becomes, and your mind can get some rest so that it is not so frenetic trying to guide your every move.
Try this. Commit to living in each moment. The more you do this, the more your mind calms down. You will gain a sense of peace and happiness. This is vital when you are dealing with loss. When your mind starts to wander and tell you sad stories, say “Thanks for your input, but I’ve got this.” The more you do this, the more it becomes part of your life, and it’s so worth it!
People ask me how I can grieve and be happy at the same time, and I just smile and tell them that right now, right in this moment, my life is good, and I am grateful. You can find this happiness, too.
Take a deep breath and smile. You are on your way to that happiness that you can always tap in to, and it feels so good!
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