Letting go can be the hardest thing we do in life. Holding on can be the most detrimental.
My single-minded purpose in life for many years has been to love and be loved. I put that into action fully during the years Ron and I were together. By focusing on love, I learned to let love guide me. The more I loved, the more love I had to give. I discovered that as I approached something that seemed to be a problem with love, the problem faded away.
After Ron died, I had a major problem. I didn’t know what to do. My life had been structured around Ron’s needs for so long, I hadn’t been paying attention to taking care of me. I started writing about my problem in my journal, and the more I focused on having a problem, the bigger the problem became. This is the opposite of what I was searching for. I realized that to deal with the problem, I needed to release it.
At the top of my journal page, I wrote “How am I supposed to live without you.” As soon as I wrote that down, the lyrics of Michael Bolton’s song flooded my mind:
How am I supposed to live without you?
And how am I supposed to carry on?
When all that I’ve been living for is gone
That last line hit me hard. I had structured my life around all that needed to be done for Ron to live the best life he could. I don’t regret that at all, and I am grateful I was able to do it. Yet now I realized I had left me out of the equation. And with that realization, I recognized that everything was different, and it was time for me to adjust. Now was the time for me to take good care of myself.
My journal and I became good friends during this time as I wrote about the changes I was experiencing. As I wrote, I saw that I did love myself, but I had not been doing anything to demonstrate that. Just loving wasn’t enough. Action was required. In my writing, I would discover things I could do to nurture that self-love. I addressed what came up one thing at a time, and I gently took care of myself.
I realized that my home was filled with things Ron and I shared. I started by committing to clean out one drawer or shelf every day. By doing just one cleaning task at a time, I prevented overwhelm. If I operated like I had throughout my life, I would have started cleaning, reorganizing, and releasing and continued till exhaustion, probably not completing what I started. By so this one step at a time, I had a chance to remember the significance of things and see the things that were not of significance for me.
Ron had so many books. Many of the books were on topics I would never read, so I started releasing them. I filled one grocery bag full at a time. I wrote on each bag where the book would be going. Many of the books went to one friend who was studying what many of the books were about. A great deal of the books went to the Friends of the Library bookstore. By doing one bag at a time, I didn’t become overwhelmed with the task. This process took months, and that was OK because there was no reason to rush.
Ron loved to collect art, some valuable, most not. I went to visit a friend one day who is an artist. Her walls were covered with her beautiful paintings and photographs. I realized that this art would make me smile, so I purchased several of her works. I removed some of the works Ron had for many years before me and gave them to a friend wo had the perfect place to display them. Now I have the freshness and beauty of my friend’s art to enjoy every day.
I also was able to clear out his office in our house and freshen it with new paint and counter tops. This created a pleasant small apartment in my home with its own entrance. Creating this space brought in a lovely new neighbor for me and helped to pay my mortgage now that Ron’s income was gone.
Look around you. What can you change, give away, recycle, or discard that would make room for new memories? What could give you a fresh start? I loved how my home looked before I started this process, and I love it equally now. In the journey of this transformation, I also release feelings and habits that no longer serve me. Moving forward only occurs as your release the anchor that has you clinging to the past. I know that the only thing that is constant is change. I changed what I wanted to when I was ready to, and I am still changing. I always will be.
You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.
I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.
Join my Facebook group here.
