My mom loved to do crossword puzzles, the really big 1,000 piece puzzles. She would spread them out on the dining room table, and we’d be eating off TV trays in the living room. Sometimes I’d sit with her and try to help, but I’ve got to admit, they were somewhat overwhelming. Mom was tenacious though. She always finished each puzzle.
Eventually, when the puzzle was complete, it would be swept back into the box. I always wondered what it would be like if the whole puzzle fell to the floor, breaking into 1,000 pieces. Picking up each little piece would be tedious, and some pieces were sure to go missing.
Grief can feel like that puzzle broken on the floor. The person grieving would search for every piece, but it would take a while, and some pieces may never be found. One would think there has got to be an easier way, and there is. By making a conscious choice to do what you need to so you can move forward in your life, you will start to feel better.
The two main things you can do at this point in your grieving process are to pay attention and to get out of your own way. Pay attention to experiences you have, to thoughts that come to you, and to feelings that linger. Journaling helped me more than anything else especially early on. During this tender time, we are likely to feel blank and empty or easily overwhelmed, so writing about these feelings when they happen can be helpful.
What occurs for you may vary. You could have the experience of friends fading away as they go on with their lives, or the lack of motivation to get out of your bed, or eating too much or too little. You may be overwhelmed by thoughts about what to do next or how you will ever be able to move forward. Feelings of loneliness, sorrow, or hopelessness can dominate every waking moment. The good news is, there is a way to deal with all of this.
First recognize that you are in control, though it may not feel that way. We tell ourselves things like “I can’t do this,” I don’t know what to do,” or “I am too tired to do anything.” These are all examples of getting in your own way. The first step is to eliminate all this negative self-talk. Make a decision to notice when your monkey mind starts whispering in your ear saying things like “I can’t,” or “I don’t.” Change those thoughts as soon as they come to you. Flip the direction to “I can,” “I do,” or “I am.” Then follow through with your new intention.
Everything you experience is either positive or negative. Feeling both at the same time is impossible. Joy and pain do not exist in the same moment. Keep this in the front of your mind and focus on what you will experience.
Now pay attention to what is happening and get out of your way. Be a tenacious person who never gives up or stops trying. You can do this. Start now.
You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.
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You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here
