Strength from Support

After loss, when you get to the point where you want to talk to someone, where do you go? I discovered that I had pretty much isolated myself and knew that it was time to climb out of my cocoon. When we moved to Maui, Ron was having significant health challenges, so I chose to spend my time with him. Two years later, he was gone and I only knew a few people. They already knew my story, and I didn’t want them to think I was broken. I wanted to find some strength to step forward.

I thought about going to a counselor, but in researching online about counselors who were close enough to go to, I do live in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, I found that while some had training in grief, they didn’t necessarily have experience with their own grief, and I wasn’t sure I could relate to them.  Hospice invited me to attend their group, but when I thought of that, I just envisioned people in pain, sobbing through their stories and not hearing anyone else. I realize that I am probably totally off base by that assumption. I probably made that up as an excuse not to go. The Hospice people I worked with to help Ron all were wonderful. Sometimes I am amazed by the road blocks I put up in my own way.

Then someone invited me to a Death Café. I thought that was a weird name, but I looked it up online, and it seemed like a positive place to be, and that was what I was looking for. I went to my first meeting, and loved that we were at a Mexican restaurant eating chips and salsa and sharing  stories and talking about anything relating to death.  I was relaxed and comfortable and especially grateful that I didn’t feel like the odd person out. Often when dealing with loss, you may find yourself in circumstances where everyone seems like their lives are ideal with no loss. When I’d be in a place like that, I wasn’t comfortable speaking about my situation, so I would just smile (so I wouldn’t make them uncomfortable with a widow in the room) and pretend that all was well.

So that first meeting has led me to become the facilitator for Death Café Maui. We met last night, and I was so grateful to be there. The people who came had all lost someone, or several people, and were dealing with their grief, and everyone supported each other. Talking about ways to deal with what we all had experienced or were experiencing felt so freeing and positive. And telling your story is so important. I have discovered that the more often I share about Ron and Jacques, the easier it is and the shorter the story is. I feel like I have found my people, I’m home. And I also feel like I am more comfortable talking to anyone else. I don’t have to be identified by my grief. Instead, I now am identified with my life.

If you haven’t found that place yet where you feel heard and supported, start looking now. If there is a Death Café in your area, check it out. If you are in Maui, contact me and I’ll give you all the details. If there is not a Death Café near you or the concept doesn’t resonate with you, find someplace else. For you it may be a Hospice group, or you might just invite some friends you know who are dealing with loss over for some cake and conversation. I’ve also heard of a group gaining popularity around the country called The Dinner Party: Life After Loss that has been create especially for 20 to 30 year-olds.

The important thing here is, choose to move forward from isolation. Choose to find your people. They are out there and are probably just waiting to hear from you.