Mark Nepo says: “Only while telling the truth does the truth lighten us.” Early in my grieving I would say to myself things like: “I will never feel better “I will never love again.” Or “Nobody understands how bad I feel.” Did you find yourself saying things like that? You may have only said them to yourself, and you may have felt that way at the moment, but were you actually telling the truth?
How would you describe how you were feeling early in your loss? Did you feel empty, lonely, devastated, inconsolable? Think back to those days. I barely remember much of what happened because things didn’t seem real. It didn’t seem possible that my husband would never hold me again, sleep with me, or have a wonderful conversation with me. All those things were my normal before he died, then he was gone along with all the wonders we had shared. When I felt the unfamiliar experiences, I believed them to be true. But as time went on, I realized those were temporary feelings, and I didn’t need to stay mired in them. I could start moving forward a little at a time.
I didn’t think I would love again. Jacques and I had been married for 22 years. After he died, I didn’t feel suddenly unmarried. I still said “my husband” when I referred to him. And even after I fell in love with Ron, it took me four years to say yes to his proposal because I didn’t feel unmarried to Jacques. Fortunately, I finally realized I wasn’t being fair to Ron and to our relationship and I was able to say yes.
When Jacques died, I had a hard time imagining that anyone could understand me. I just knew that anyone who hadn’t had someone very close to them die just wouldn’t get how I felt. I only had one friend who was also a recent widow. She set a good example for me. Through watching her be able to smile again, I realized that people didn’t have to know how I felt, since that isn’t possible, but they could care about me, and I could accept the comfort they offered me.
When dealing with these issues, I realized I wasn’t telling myself the truth. Integrity is important to me, and here I was, telling myself things that weren’t true. When I finally realized that I was living in a fantasy that I had created, I started to examine the truth of what I was saying. I could see that I was starting to feel better, though it took a while. Discovering that allowed me to see that the truth was, and is, that things change every moment. I can choose not to live in the depths of despair but chose instead to see what is good and beautiful about my life.
Focusing on what I am grateful for, on what I can enjoy, I began to see the truth and focus on that. When I would start to tell myself that I couldn’t be happy, I would stop and say, “Is that true?” Focusing on what I knew in my heart to be true allowed me to start on my path of staying in the moment and discovering the truth in my life.
If something starts to bring you down, ask yourself if whatever it is can really be true. Chances are you will discover that there is a more positive way to look at things, and a much more positive way to move forward for you.
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