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Unanswered Questions

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Sometimes my husband would tell me stories of his past that were quite fascinating. I always wanted to know more when he reminisced, but he would stop himself from getting immersed in his past. I wish I would have written all the stories he told. His life and accomplishments amazed me.

My husband was estranged from his son from the time he was in college. He didn’t want to talk much about that. They got back together a few years after his dad and I got together. By that time, his son had a great career and was happily married. His dad was thrilled that we got to see them occasionally. His son came to visit us on Maui with his wife and young son. Ron said they had so much to talk about.

After Ron died, his son asked me about what I knew about his dad so he could share this information with his son when he grew up. For most of those questions, I had no idea what the answer was. I chose to write all I could remember about all those wonderful stories he told me so I could share that with them. I was disappointed when I could only remember a few pages.

All the lost stories are permanently gone. As I thought about all the stories I would love to hear about my parents, I realized they are lost too. My sister knew some of them because she was 9 years older and remembered everything, but those stories also disappeared with her passing.

I have started a new journal to write the memories I know I’d like to share. I’ll be sure to let my children know where it is so they can read it if they want to.  I will also ask them if there are things they would like to know from me so that I can tell them now. I have so many relatives and friends who had stories I would have loved to hear, but those stories died when they did.

Now is the time to ask the questions you are curious about. Ask those questions now.

I have started a new journal to write the memories I know I’d like to share. I’ll be sure to let my children know where it is so they can read it if they want to.  I will also ask them if there are things they would like to know from me so that I can tell them now. I have so many relatives and friends who had stories I would have loved to hear, but those stories died when they did.

Now is the time to ask the questions you are curious about. Ask those questions now.

 

 

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The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Say What You Need to Say

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I awoke this morning with the song “Say” by John Mayer running through my head.  The song played through the movie The Bucket List which was released in 2007 and led to a phenomenon of people making a list of what they want to do before they die, then doing whatever they needed to do to complete that list.

I googled the song so I could listen to all the words which inspired me to think about my own Bucket List. Most of the things I thought of I have already accomplished, like finding the man of my dreams and marrying him. I did that. Twice. I traveled to five of the seven continents. I guess I could put Australia on the list, and I don’t plan to go to Antarctica.

I live in a tropical paradise. I earned the education I desired and continue learning all the time. I have written 6 books. I host a popular podcast. I have wonderful family and close friends, including my Hawaiian Ohana.

So, what’s left?

I find joy every day in the service of people dealing with grief and loss.  I do that in lots of ways from writing, to talking, to teaching, and whatever way seems appropriate in the moment. All this has led me to think about writing a lifetime gratitude list where I consider all the wonder of my life.

This also leads me to think of what I didn’t say. With both my husbands, we said things to each other all the time so that when they transitioned, I didn’t feel like I missed something. On the other hand, I know I didn’t say what I would have liked to say to my parents, my sister, or to people who were very special to me, but their deaths were not anticipated at the time. Having these experiences has led me to communicate so much more effectively.  Especially, I say “I love you” lots!

What do you need to say or do? Instead of a bucket list, how about a Love and Gratitude list. Tell everyone you love that you love them! And let them know why you do–

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Learning From Losses

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Painful as it may be, loss is full of lessons that can guide us to a more mindful, happier life. I have lost many people in my life which led me to reflect on their lessons, so I am sharing them with you.

My Father. I learned to talk to people while I can. I go deep. My father was a World War II Veteran. I know absolutely nothing about his service in the war, but I did see his lifelong service and connection to Veterans. I wish now I knew why.

My friend in high school who died by falling into a grain silo. I must always be mindful. I wasn’t mindful last week when I took a painful fall. We all can prevent accidents and mistakes by paying more attention to all we think and do.

My Grandmother. She was the only person in my family who hugged me. I looked forward to her warm embrace every time I saw her. I didn’t learn at the time the value of those hugs and how I could share them with others. When I was with Jacques, his whole family always hugged me. I softened, and now I enjoy giving and receiving hugs.

My band teacher. I learned the importance of integrity in everything I do. I never missed a band practice and was always on time because all our band members respected the rest of the band. I always practiced my flute at home to be ready when we rehearsed, and my uniform was always clean and pressed.  And I learned to love music at the same time.

My camp counselor. Her name was Tish, and I will never forget her. She taught all of us kindness and respect. All the campers she worked with felt her love and tended to share it with the new friends made at camp. I still smile when I think of her.

My husband Jacques. I learned the importance of commitment, and lots more. When he agreed to do something, it got done. He was a great philosophy professor, and a wonderful singer and actor. Everything he did, he did well. People felt his commitment, enjoyed his talent, and recognized his love for all he did.

My mother. My mother was always busy, a trait I picked up. She carefully chose what she got involved in and she finished everything she started doing a great job. And she always found joy in what she did. She played bridge with the same four friends almost every week from when she was in college until she died. She was close to her bridge partners like they were sisters.

My sister. I learned when it was too late that I could have had a much better relationship with her. We were nine years apart, and she wasn’t thrilled about having a baby sister who she had to help take care of. In her later years, I discovered her sweetness and wished I had softened toward her so much sooner.

Through all this loss and the loss of so many people in my life, I see endless lessons. I have learned commitment, and I finish what I start. I have learned the value of the present moment and the importance of not waiting to say what I need to or do what serves me and others best. And most importantly, I have learned to cherish my friends and families. I let them know I love them. I never used to say that to anyone but my husbands, but now I say it often and realize that my life is filled with love.

What have you learned from your losses?

 

 

Emily Thiroux Threatt emily@griefandhappiiness.com

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here. ://a.co/d/eWNx3j1

You can sign up for our newsletter here

Ruminating

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This week I needed to keep my foot up. There were so many things I wanted to do that weren’t possible without being able to get around. So instead of all the things on my to do list, I spent time reflecting on things I have done and memories I have.  I have lots of things to remember!  As I reflected, I realized something about me. Most of my life, I kept having the same thought. I always knew I could do better, yet now as I look back, I know I was doing the best I could for where I was in my life at any time.

I am choosing now to be aware that I still am doing the best that I can in all I do, and that feels really good. Now instead of saying things like “I wish I had spent more time on that project,” or “I know I should be eating better,” I know now that when I commit to do something that I have an agreement with myself to do what needs to be done. And now I am consciously choosing every item I choose to eat, and that is making a difference just by being aware of what I choose. Instead of putting things off and worrying about something I think I should be doing, when I choose to do something, I just do it, and that feels so much better!

I encourage you to ruminate a bit. What can you do to live in full integrity with yourself? Writing in my journal to explore this thought helped me to discover my answers to that question. How about you? How can you make a difference for yourself and find more happiness in the process?

I’d love to hear what you come up with!

 

Emily Thiroux Threatt emily@griefandhappiiness.com

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here. https://a.co/d/eWNx3j1

You can sign up for our newsletter here

Serendipity and Inspiration

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Have you had the experience of creating a vision in your mind of something you would love to do, then things start happening around you showing you that you can do it? Is this serendipity, or is it part of the process of creation? I have had this happen so often that I have learned to pay attention when it happens. When I recognized the power of paying attention, I reflected on my life and saw lots of examples. Here are a few.

When my son Jason was born, I had complications, and the nursing staff was unhelpful to say the least. I could not understand how a nurse could treat a patient without care or compassion. I said to myself, “If I were a nurse, I would never do that to my patients.” Before that time, I hadn’t considered being a nurse, yet I became one, a caring and compassionate one.

Later, when I was in the process of getting my master’s degree in English, I had no idea of what I would do with the degree when I got it. My husband Jacques suggested that I observe a writing class, and two of his colleagues gave me the opportunity to as well as hiring me to grade the essays they assigned.  Their techniques were different, and I could see how I, as a student, would like to be taught, as well as seeing the things that they did that worked and the things that didn’t. This inspired me to start my career as a writing teacher. I loved being innovative and encouraging my students to live their best lives in the process.

Later still, I had a dream of opening a live theatre and school of arts. I was unsure of how I could do this. Then I watched the movie “Music of the Heart” which portrayed the true story of Roberta Guaspari who founded the Opus 118 Harlem School of music as she fought for music education funding in New York City public schools. I had been fighting to find ways to support arts education in the city where I lived, and when I watched the movie, I knew if she could accomplish what she did, I could accomplish what I wanted for my community, so I did.  When I heard the song in the movie, that was my confirmation that I was doing what I was meant to do. Here are some of the words to the song Music of My Heart.

You opened my eyes

You opened the door

To something I had never known before

And your love

Is the music of my heart

 

You can find the complete lyrics here  and  you can watch the movie online.

 

Whether what I have experienced has come from serendipity or inspiration, I am grateful for it all, and all these occurrences have brought much happiness to my life. My hope is that you pay attention to the serendipity and inspiration you receive. How can you find more happiness in your life by following your heart?

 

Let’s Connect

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Sitting alone in the evening was such a tough time for me in early grief. I longed for someone to talk to about my day or what my dreams were. I turned to my journal at times like this where I could pour my heart out and figure out what I wanted, where I was going. Does this sound like experiences you have had?

When dealing with loss, I found that people who I considered friends tended to stay away from spending time with me. I was surprised at that.This was the time I longed for their presence, but they weren’t there.  I justified the absence by telling myself that they must be busy. When I had an opportunity to talk to a friend, I told her I missed her and would love to spend time with her. I was surprised when she told me that she was sorry. She wanted to spend time with me, but she didn’t know what to say. She didn’t want to make me feel worse by saying the wrong thing. Wow. What a shock.

I was looking at my loneliness was something that someone else had to fix, but while sitting by myself I knew that I had to take the first step. I remembered that some of my friends ha asked me in the past had asked me how to cook vegan food that tasted good  since they knew I was a certified vegan chef.  With this inspiration, I asked some friends to come to my house to learn how to fix a tasty vegan meal. My friends were happy to join me knowing they had something positive to do together.

Reaching out to who I wanted to be with worked for me. I invited people to go to concerts, to classes, to a film festival, and to my house to make Christmas ornaments together.  Relieving them of their perceived obligation to deal with my grief opened the way for us to be comfortable spending time together. As they saw how I could speak comfortably about my husband who had transitioned allowed them the comfort to join in the conversation when they wanted to.

I found much comfort in writing about what I was dealing this a decided to reach out to people who were seeking ways to deal with their grief. At that time, I didn’t know that many people on Maui who were driving, so I put a message on MeetUp and invited people to come to my house to write about grief together and then talk about it. Suddenly I had a new group of friends who met regularly who were grateful to have found a caring group of friends to share experiences with.

Now I offer you the opportunity to write about things dealing with grief, then share what you wrote about with a whole new groups of friends who get you, like I do. We gather on Zoom once a week and our Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization covers the expenses so you don’t have to pay a thing. People who come to the gatherings have told meow much they appreciate what we do together and the new friends they make.  I have made many new friends from around the world by participating in in this group.

I invite you to connect with me and with your new friends who all are dealing with grief and loss. Much comfort comes from this practice of self-care. And I get to meet you and know you, and share with you, and I love that opportunity. Pease join us! You can make a reservation each week by clicked on this link.

I look forward to connecting with you!

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here. https://a.co/d/eWNx3j1

You can sign up for our newsletter here

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.