The Grief and Happiness Alliance

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Do You Need Help?

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I love to help people. I always have ideas I like to share with people when the express something I know I have just what they need. But I am realizing that sometimes they need me to just shut up and listen really paying attention. 

Have you ever been in a situation where there was something heavy on your heart and you just needed to express it? You finally get the perfect opportunity and right when you get to the important part of your story, someone says “Oh, I know how you feel. That happened to me.” Then someone else says, “Me too! This is what you need to do about that.” Then the two of them get into a discussion and there you sit, in limbo. You didn’t get to finish your story, and you feel worse than you did before you started to share.

That happened to me yesterday, only I was the one getting into a discussion with a third person about what the story teller could do about her situation even though we hadn’t heard the whole story. Fortunately, our story teller let us talk a little, and then told us that she didn’t finish and that she wanted to complete expressing herself, and that she wasn’t looking for advice. She just needed to be heard. 

That took my breath away. Here I was trying to help yet did more damage than good. So we became silent and really paid attention while she finished what she needed to say. She took a big breath, and sat in silence. Then she thanked us explaining she just needed to be heard. And we offered no advice. 

I’ve been thinking of this experience. It caused me to ponder what I say and when I say it. I realize that instead of thinking about what I can say in response to what someone is saying, I just need to sit in silence, gently observing the speaker and holding support for her journey. Realizing this has been humbling. I commit to paying more attention now, listening, and allowing someone the opportunity to be heard. 

Of course I am still full of advice, but now I will always think before I speak. 

 

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Creating Community

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Sharon and I shared a similar experience in that we moved with our husbands to Maui only to have them die not long after we arrived. While Maui is beautiful, it is one of the most isolated places in the world to live. So both of us discovered ways to meet people and get involved in our community which has brought us joy and a sense of belonging. We love it here.

When Ron and I first moved into our home, our lawn was carpeted with fallen lilikoi, or passion fruit as some people call it. While I love the taste and fragrance of lilikoi, I had no idea what to do with so much of it. We also had lots of papayas and bananas. While this bounty of fresh tropical fruit was wonderful, we couldn’t begin to eat it all, and I couldn’t stand to see it go to waste. I discovered an app called Nextdoor.com where I could post things that my neighbors could read, so I used it to notify my neighbors that I had fruit to share. Every Friday afternoon from 4 to 5, I invite anyone who wants to come to share what they have from their gardens that is more than they can use. We have a regular following now who come very week as well as new people who come occasionally. We’ve developed our own little Ohana, the Hawaiian word for family. And we all have all the produce and eggs we can eat. I met Sharon there.

When Sharon moved to the island, she had the comfort she found from her church, but she was happy to meet new people. She spends lots of time in her big beautiful yard tending fruits and vegetables. At one point, she had quite an abundance of vegetables, so she decided to invite the people she had met so far to her home for a luncheon of a big batch of ratatouille. The food was luscious, and I made new friends there. She also was involved in the Maui Farmers Union United who is happy to have home gardeners involved, so she invited me to their meetings. I loved this group and joined to go to their monthly potlucks and learn all about food farming on the island. And I also discovered Neil and Elena there, part of our Produce Share family.

Monday Sharon did another pop-up luncheon, this time with both green and red gazpacho due to an abundance of tomatoes and avocados. Yum! And served with new friends!

Recently Shena invited me to an Intention Circle. A new experience for me, a group of eight people gather to listen to each other’s intentions and meditate considering them and supporting each other. It was a powerful gathering, and the best part was I met eight new friends! I have discovered that in order to meet people and have wonderful experiences on Maui, I just need to be creative and to say yes when invited to new experiences. Often in grief we tend to isolate ourselves or cocoon, and that is OK. But when we are ready, saying yes to the experience of life can support us in ways we haven’t dreamed of before. You can create your own event or experience, and you can accept invitations and try new things. Try it. You’ll be so glad you did.

 

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