Community

Allowing

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Have you experienced talking yourself out of doing something you would love to do because you are grieving?  We all do that at some point – even when we’re not grieving. Early in grief, people may hesitate to invite you to their party, to dinner, or even for a walk. They talk themselves out of those invitations because they are concerned about how you would react, or maybe they fear that your grieving may bring what they are planning to be of happiness, to a time where people talk softly and don’t know what to say.

Eventually, they may cease to invite you because they got out of the habit of calling or you have declined invitations one too many times. They may not realize what they are doing. They mean no harm and don’t remember how much they enjoyed having you around. You may also not remember how much your enjoyed be around other people. When that realization happens, that is the time to start reaching out, allowing you the joy of spending time with others.

When we were young, we had to get permission from our parents to go out. Now there is no one to ask permission of, but we may not give ourselves permission to do what could help us be happy. Think about what you may not be allowing yourself to do like going to a movie or out to a restaurant. When you think of something you have not been allowing yourself to do, make a plan and do it! Don’t let another celebration or a class you’d like to take pass you by because you have forgotten how to say yes!

Whenever you find yourself alone or feeling sad, ask yourself what you can give yourself permission to do. My husband loved for me to bake cookies for him. I didn’t notice that I had stopped baking cookies, something I love to do. I gave myself permission to make a big batch and passed them out to people who had stepped forward to help me. When I delivered the cookies, it always started a conversation, and I started receiving invitations again.

In what ways are you not allowing yourself to start to move forward? Give yourself permission to correct those thoughts and allow yourself to live your best life now.

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast anywhere you get your podcasts.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

The Stories of Veterans

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My father, Thomas Orville Lofton, served in the US Army during World War II. He never talked to me about his war experience, but I knew it affected him profoundly because he spent the rest of his life serving veterans. He became very involved in the Veterans of Foreign Wars, VFW, so my mother became involved in the VFW Auxiliary, and I was the first member in our local Junior VFW Auxiliary and I am now a life member of the organization.

Veterans Day was the biggest holiday of the year in our small California town of Porterville, and we always had a huge parade that Mom and Dad were in charge of for the VFW and American Legion. During the Vietnam war, more lives of military personnel were lost per capita in our small town than then were lost in any other community in the country. Most of those deaths were of my high school classmates.

I have always held a deep respect for veterans, so when the VFW Post in Maui invited me to come to an event to support war veterans who had been affected by the Lahaina fire, I said yes.  The members of the organization were collecting stories about the Lahaina fire, and about people who have served in wars. They plan to use these stories for a memorial they are building that can be seen by people walking on the beach.

 I spent the afternoon sitting outside of the VFW building at the beach in Kihei, Maui, watching as the men who came were showered with gifts from gas cards and Uber cards to equine therapy gift certificates.  I got to meet individually with each Veteran who came. I told them what I do to help people deal with grief and invited them to come to my free Zoom meetings. Then I asked them where they served and how the Lahaina fires affected them. Their stories from both the War and the fire were gut wrenching and broke my heart. 

After the fire, people donated funds to the Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization so that copies of the Grief and Happiness Handbook could be given to those affected by the fire. I gave one of those books to each guest that came to the event except one. That veteran told me that his wife needed the book more than he did, so I signed a book to his wife.

 As I listened to the experiences of these veterans, I thought about how important storytelling is to help people deal with grief. Having someone to listen to the stories is equally important. A story needs to be told over and over until it doesn’t need to be told any more.

Whose story can you listen to? And who do you tell your story to?

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Look Up

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Anymore when I am out in public, I find myself on high alert because it seems that everyone around me is looking down at their phones. They are so engrossed that if I don’t watch out, they will walk right into me and get exasperated that I was in their way. I am sure they are looking at something that caught their attention on their phones or they are texting, but I see the rest of the world go by them, and I see things they are missing out on.  

I choose to look up at all that is around me which, most often, is beautiful. I look up at the solid blue sky with constantly shape-shifting clouds moving along, creating their own stories. Right now, I see what appears to be a mother bird showing her tiny family how to fly, floating softly along their way. And in the time it took me to write that sentence, that same cloud is now a breaching whale frolicking in the blue water, but only for a moment because the wind blew him on his way.

I use my imagination to create new thoughts. When I allow it to flow freely, I become creative and allow those thoughts to create an ever-changing backdrop to my life. Often while grieving people find themselves in the same chair or on the same couch mindlessly staring at the same shows on the television and allowing their precious time to disappear without taking advantage of it. This results in a condition of being stuck in their grief because when people ignore what they need to be experiencing, their lives become stagnant. 

When you find yourself in this mire, try firing up your imagination. You’ll find that the more you imagine, the more you will have to imagine about.  Try this, try creating some sentences with the words “What if?”

 “What if you stepped outside and went for a walk?” What would you feel, see, or taste?

Or 

“What if you called the friend you have been missing just to tell them hello?” Where would that lead? Maybe you would get together to get a cup of coffee or go to a movie. 

Or

What if I finally sign up for that class I have been longing to take?” Maybe you’d meet new friends. Or maybe you would find a new passion by allowing your creativity to step forward. 

You will see that the more you use your imagination, the more things you will find to use your imagination about. I just spoke to someone who wanted to help others who were grieving like she was. She imagined a beautiful online retreat. Her imagination was so vivid that she created that retreat, and people loved it!

When you look up and you long to make a change in your life, you can. Be open to possibilities. Your imagination is unlimited. Your wisdom is what is right now, in this moment! Discover what is yours to do!

Look up!

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

 

Say What You Need to Say

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I awoke this morning with the song “Say” by John Mayer running through my head.  The song played through the movie The Bucket List which was released in 2007 and led to a phenomenon of people making a list of what they want to do before they die, then doing whatever they needed to do to complete that list.

I googled the song so I could listen to all the words which inspired me to think about my own Bucket List. Most of the things I thought of I have already accomplished, like finding the man of my dreams and marrying him. I did that. Twice. I traveled to five of the seven continents. I guess I could put Australia on the list, and I don’t plan to go to Antarctica.

I live in a tropical paradise. I earned the education I desired and continue learning all the time. I have written 6 books. I host a popular podcast. I have wonderful family and close friends, including my Hawaiian Ohana.

So, what’s left?

I find joy every day in the service of people dealing with grief and loss.  I do that in lots of ways from writing, to talking, to teaching, and whatever way seems appropriate in the moment. All this has led me to think about writing a lifetime gratitude list where I consider all the wonder of my life.

This also leads me to think of what I didn’t say. With both my husbands, we said things to each other all the time so that when they transitioned, I didn’t feel like I missed something. On the other hand, I know I didn’t say what I would have liked to say to my parents, my sister, or to people who were very special to me, but their deaths were not anticipated at the time. Having these experiences has led me to communicate so much more effectively.  Especially, I say “I love you” lots!

What do you need to say or do? Instead of a bucket list, how about a Love and Gratitude list. Tell everyone you love that you love them! And let them know why you do–

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Let’s Connect

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Sitting alone in the evening was such a tough time for me in early grief. I longed for someone to talk to about my day or what my dreams were. I turned to my journal at times like this where I could pour my heart out and figure out what I wanted, where I was going. Does this sound like experiences you have had?

When dealing with loss, I found that people who I considered friends tended to stay away from spending time with me. I was surprised at that.This was the time I longed for their presence, but they weren’t there.  I justified the absence by telling myself that they must be busy. When I had an opportunity to talk to a friend, I told her I missed her and would love to spend time with her. I was surprised when she told me that she was sorry. She wanted to spend time with me, but she didn’t know what to say. She didn’t want to make me feel worse by saying the wrong thing. Wow. What a shock.

I was looking at my loneliness was something that someone else had to fix, but while sitting by myself I knew that I had to take the first step. I remembered that some of my friends ha asked me in the past had asked me how to cook vegan food that tasted good  since they knew I was a certified vegan chef.  With this inspiration, I asked some friends to come to my house to learn how to fix a tasty vegan meal. My friends were happy to join me knowing they had something positive to do together.

Reaching out to who I wanted to be with worked for me. I invited people to go to concerts, to classes, to a film festival, and to my house to make Christmas ornaments together.  Relieving them of their perceived obligation to deal with my grief opened the way for us to be comfortable spending time together. As they saw how I could speak comfortably about my husband who had transitioned allowed them the comfort to join in the conversation when they wanted to.

I found much comfort in writing about what I was dealing this a decided to reach out to people who were seeking ways to deal with their grief. At that time, I didn’t know that many people on Maui who were driving, so I put a message on MeetUp and invited people to come to my house to write about grief together and then talk about it. Suddenly I had a new group of friends who met regularly who were grateful to have found a caring group of friends to share experiences with.

Now I offer you the opportunity to write about things dealing with grief, then share what you wrote about with a whole new groups of friends who get you, like I do. We gather on Zoom once a week and our Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization covers the expenses so you don’t have to pay a thing. People who come to the gatherings have told meow much they appreciate what we do together and the new friends they make.  I have made many new friends from around the world by participating in in this group.

I invite you to connect with me and with your new friends who all are dealing with grief and loss. Much comfort comes from this practice of self-care. And I get to meet you and know you, and share with you, and I love that opportunity. Pease join us! You can make a reservation each week by clicked on this link.

I look forward to connecting with you!

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here. https://a.co/d/eWNx3j1

You can sign up for our newsletter here

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Order

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This morning, when I awakened, I gazed out my window. I saw millions of spiderwebs on the bushes of the house next-door. I wondered how all those spiders could possibly know that it was a good place for them to build their delicate, yet strong, webs. A whole community of spiders and spiderwebs were  there, sparkling in the sunlight. Seeing spiders diligently creating their masterpieces was fascinating. Scurrying on a perfect path, they connected the webs they were weaving with little blobs of sparkling stickiness. The sun was shining just right so that the webs glowed, decorated with what seemed to be tiny rainbows reflecting the colors around them. Webs swaying a little from the breeze constantly caused me amazement. How could the spiders possibly get a web that goes across an open space from such a great distance? How did they make it work? How did they figure it all out? Do they tell their spider friends, “This is the place to be. This is where we’re gonna do this together and create this amazing sculpture” ?

These busy spiders inspired me to think about the whales that come to Maui every year. Starting in Alaska, the whales swim to Maui. Some whales seem like they’re traveling by themselves, yet without the GPS that we depend on, they always arrive at Maui. Enticed by the warmer water, they glide through the gentle waves flowing between the islands of Molokai, Maui, Lanai, and Kaho’lawe. The warmth is a result of the waters being shallower than in the rest of the ocean. Ten thousand whales migrate to Maui to give birth. Watching up to sixty feet long humpback whales breaching out of the water is breathtaking. The mothers and babies frolic and splash their way through the ocean together. They’re just astonishing, but what gets me the most is the trip they take every year. How could they possibly know how they are supposed to go all the way from Alaska to Hawaii, which is considered the most remote place in the world, without having any kind of GPS. Whales just make the trip automatically, migrating back and forth between Alaska and Hawaii. It seems that they would need some form of guidance, even if it’s just looking at the sky. 

Do you have an automatic pilot just like the whales? What’s the order of your life? Many of us get up and do what we think we’re supposed to do all day long and then go to bed at night and sleep and start over again the next morning. We take one step at a time without a lot of thought, without realizing all the choices that we make every single day, every moment. When are we going to drink water? When are we going to have something to eat? When are we going to get up and move? When are we going outside? When are we going to be talking to someone? What are we talking about? In Hawaii we’ve got something called Talk Story where people get together and just talk about whatever they want to. This conversation is what ties the culture together, where people discover commonality, where they express genuine love, not so much romantic love, but the love and compassion of being alive and connecting with others. 

By learning to Talk Story, I found my purpose in writing and demonstrating happiness. I write in my journal every day and that helps guide me and inspire me for the choices I make. I chronicle every day to hold on to special memories. I also record what I’m grateful for and why I’m grateful for it. And I write books and teach others to write to help them deal with grief and find happiness.

I’m grateful today, and every day, for realizing that my purpose includes serving others. How can I help someone who is grieving or dealing with loss? How can I help them realize that happiness is perfectly normal and that it’s OK to be able to feel happy even when you’re grieving? Though that may sound strange, it’s not. I’m not happy that I’m grieving, but I’m happy that I’m alive. I’m happy that I’m making the best of my life, consciously paying attention to my thoughts and what I do, being mindful of every moment.

What’s your purpose? What are you doing? What are you meant to do? How can you make your life better? How can you make your life the absolute best it can be? What do you need to do to make your life miraculous? How do you notice the beauty and wonder in the world? How can you share the inspiration you discover? What does your heart desire? What is it that you really crave? I’m not suggesting just making goals, though goals are great to get you from one point to another, I am asking you to identify an overarching purpose for everything.

 I encourage you, or maybe even challenge you, to pay attention to who you are and what you are doing.  Write in your journal to explore who you are and what you aspire to. What is your true purpose in life? How would you like to share this with your loved ones, both now and in the future?  Writing like this can help to open up your world.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here. https://a.co/d/eWNx3j1

You can sign up for our newsletter here

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