The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Creativity

The Life You Would Like

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I recently spent some time in bed while recovering from a procedure, and decided to find something on television that wouldn’t take up any head space. I randomly picked a series called Everwood, and I was immediately sucked into the story of a very famous neurosurgeon in Manhattan who, when his wife was killed in a car accident,  packed up his kids and moved to Everwood, Colorado. There he opened a family practice office through which he offered his services for free. The series, through my eyes, had much to do about grief and happiness.

In one episode, the surgeon was being interviewed by a reporter who was writing an article for a prominent publication about his story. He was hesitant in speaking because he hadn’t thought what he had done did was a big deal. The reporter was getting frustrated with the doctor’s hesitance to talk to him when he noticed a print of Norman Rockwell’s painting The Country Doctor hanging on the wall of the doctor’s living room. The reporter told the doctor of how Rockwell did not live in a place like the ones in his paintings.  He lived in an area of Manhattan that was considered dangerous, and he spent time on the roof of the building he was living in so he could be outside, yet he could hear gunshots, screaming, and foul language drifting up from angry people on the street below. When asked why he chose to paint what he did when he wasn’t seeing the idyllic settings and happy people who showed up in his paintings, Rockwell said, “I paint life as I would like it to be.”

I saved that quote to share with you because of all the smiles and pleasure Rockwell’s paintings have brought over the years despite him not living in those pleasant situations his paintings reflect. I saw how many of us who are grieving are sitting in the sadness of the surroundings we feel stuck in. What could happen for you if you started creating your surroundings as you “would like them to be”?

Have you changed where you live or changed how you have decorated where you live since your loss. Do you sit or walk outside every day? Do you go to beautiful places like parks, or gardens, or museums? Have you invited a friend to go to a concert, a movie, or a conversation over coffee?  Have you spent some time painting or drawing your own pictures, or have you started doing some creative activity you have always wanted to do? Have you traveled, or taken classes, or volunteered some place you feel strongly about? These things are, hopefully, some ideas to help you create the surroundings in your life in the way you would like them to be.

I encourage you to take some action based on any inspiration that comes to you as you read this blog. Live your best life by choosing what to create for yourself. Then do whatever that is!

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

 

What’s Your Story?

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Every person experiences grief differently for every instance that happens. For instance, my father died suddenly with no warning. My mother suffered for a very long time before she died at home. My sister did too, but she had multiple hospitalizations. She didn’t die of Covid, but she did die during the pandemic, so I didn’t get to see her one last time. Both my husbands died of the same thing. A good friend died in a car accident, and another died of cancer. Each of those experiences were entirely different. And there have been so many more people I have known.

And there are so many other reasons to grieve. Maybe you lost a home, or a job, or a relationship. Or maybe you have been a victim of a crime, or someone you care about went to prison. Or maybe your beloved pet died. As you can see from all this, every one of us deals with grief often many times to different degrees.

For each experience of grief you have, your story is different. And how you tell that story will affect how you deal with that grief.  I didn’t know what to do when Jacques died. He had many emergencies during which we didn’t know if he would survive. I was amazed that each time he did. For instance, we decided to go to a Prince concert. Jacques went to a doctor appointment the afternoon of the concert. Then we went to dinner and to the concert. Jacques had a hard time walking into the convention center, but he was so excited that he wouldn’t let his weakness stop him.

The concert started over an hour late because Prince refused to go on because there was poor attendance. Prince finally came on stage and Jacques was getting weaker. When we finally got home, there was a message on the answering machine that said that the lab tests they ran that day indicated that he needed to go to the emergency room immediately. That message was five hours old. He was hospitalized in serious condition. Fortunately, he was able to come home eventually.

My story about that was that I was angry with Prince! My mind was filled with resentment for him being so selfish when he was too vain to go onstage without the crowd size he wanted. I was mad because my husband could have died because Prince didn’t live up to his contract to perform. I don’t know if my story helped me, but it did give me something to focus on at a scary time.  I ultimately forgave Prince realizing that he had nothing to do with my husband’s health.

When my husband Ron realized how quickly his health was failing, we moved to Maui. Though we both knew his condition, together we focused on living in the moment which caused my story at that time to be positive and allowed us to make the best of the time we had left. This also helped me to focus on a positive story for me after he died.

I never dreamed that I would move forward into a life focused on helping to support others during their grieving process! I am grateful to be able to help so many people.

What is your experience grief? The thing to remember about this is that you can always change your story, whatever it is. Focus on the positive, and take the best care of yourself in the process.

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Que Sera, Sera

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I recently heard the song Que Sera, Sera on a television commercial and it reminded me of hearing it as a child. Doris Day came out with this song in 1955, so I was pretty young, but the song stuck with me, and I sang it to myself often leading me to fanciful daydreams.

The lyrics of the song are:

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother what will I be?
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me

Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be

When I grew up and fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead?
Will we have rainbows day after day?
Here’s what my sweetheart said

Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be

Now I have children of my own
They ask their mother what will I be
Will I be handsome? Will I be rich?
I tell them tenderly

Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be
Que sera, sera

 

My daydreams led me to know in my future that I would be pretty when I learned to smile often, I would be rich in many ways, and I do have rainbows day after day here in Maui. Just writing this makes me smile!

Although the lyrics say, “Whatever will be will be,” I believe we have some say in the matter. I know that when I clearly focus on what is most important to me, it will come to me in some way. This isn’t always easy, and it doesn’t necessarily come when I would like it to, but when I maintain my focus, what I desire, or something more, does appear.

For instance, as a little girl, I wanted to be a pretty child, and I was sure that would bring me friends and popularity. I would be so serious about this, I often frowned as I thought. Over the years, I saw that beauty wasn’t when I became the first runner up of Miss Porterville. My life didn’t change from that honor. I didn’t even have a date for my Senior Prom.

Ten years later I ran into a guy I went to school with who I thought never would be interested in me. After all those years, he recognized me and said he apologized and was so sorry he didn’t ask me out in high school because he thought I would say no. This really made me think.

My wanting to be pretty made me afraid of rejection. Isn’t that silly? I can see that now, yet as I reflect, I see a young woman who didn’t think she was pretty. She focused on everything else till years late. She learned to focus on happiness, and she can see the beauty comes from her smile.

Also, in the past I thought that being rich was just related to money. I now enjoy the vast riches of friendship, love, and purpose. I am grateful to be financially secure, but that is not where my joy has come from.

And those beautiful rainbows? Where I live in Hawaii, they are free, and beautiful, and available to make me smile and inspire me almost every day.

I felt unstable after having two husbands die. I think I feared my future. Realizing that the fear didn’t serve me, and focusing on knowing that at that moment, I was fine, allowed me to find that smile again knowing that whatever will be is here now for me to enjoy.

Allowing myself to not worry about what is to come in my life, “whatever will be” has turned out very well.

 

 

Find more about the song by clicking here.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Cultivation

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Where I live in upcountry Maui now, I have the biggest garden I have ever had, and it takes lots of attention. Even with two people who help me, the tasks seem never ending. I am not complaining, however, because the rewards are worth all the time it takes.

I grow tropical flowers, fruit trees, lots of bananas, herbs and vegetables, and flowers. When we first moved here, one large section of our yard was covered with what looked like yellow golf balls. I discovered that those balls turned out to be one of my new favorite fruits, lilikoi, otherwise known as passion fruit. I found lots of ways to use lilikoi, but there were so many of them! I also had huge racks of bananas and many papayas.

Not wanting the food to go to waste, I put an invitation on the Nextdoor computer app for people to come to my house to take what they could use, and people came! With the new friends we made, we decided to meet and share the abundance of our gardens every Friday. That was 9 years ago. We still meet every Friday.

Through those years we have become special friends. We have celebrated weddings and birthdays and holidays. We have supported each other through medical challenges and funerals. We consider each other Ohana, the Hawaiian word for family. I cherish these experiences and friendships.

This wonderful Ohana has thrived through our mutual support. Just as we cultivate our gardens by replenishing the soil, planting seeds and plants starts, pulling weeds, pruning, watering, and harvesting, we cultivate our friendships by staying in touch, sharing what we grow, sharing advice and skills, and we tend to both our gardens and friendships with love.

I share about the Ohana we created because loneliness can be one of the biggest challenges we face while grieving. When you find yourself lonely, be creative and think of how you can create your own Ohana. If you’d like to know your neighbors better, try inviting them to your home for a cookie exchange or dessert potluck. If you have friends you’d like to see more, invite them over for a game night. Or invite someone to go on a walk with you.

 

The key to developing relationships is to tend to them. Friendships thrive with cultivation. Think of something you would love to do with your friends, then do whatever you dream up. And keep doing it. That’s cultivation. There is no need for loneliness in your life.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Love Remains

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I remember in 1965 Burt Bacharach released the song What The World Needs Now. He wrote it as the Vietnam War was raging. I remember those times when the flower children gathered to sing folksongs about peace and happiness. The yearning for love in the world brought people together in a positive way.  You’d think that now, almost 50 years later, that we as the people of the world would have figured out how to live in peace with unconditional love for one another, for everyone.

How does this relate to grief? Those grieving are dealing with profound loss in their lives, no matter what the cause. And unconditional love is the most potent way to deal with that loss. You may say “But the person I loved the most died.” While that is so, it doesn’t mean that your love died. My two husbands, my parents, my sister, and so many friends and relatives have died, and I still love them all and will for the rest of my life. I am sure you have lots of love that you carry in your heart too.

Try writing in your journal or just sit quietly with your eyes closed and focus on your biggest or most recent loss. Write or think or dream about the person focusing just on the love you shared. What do remember about the times you felt the best.  What were you doing? Where were you? What made that time so special? Enjoy remembering the beautiful feeling of love you shared then.

Ron and I used to spend lots of time sitting on our lani. We would talk, read, meditate, dream, play, and write. And sometimes friends joined us there too. We didn’t need to plan anything. We just enjoyed each other’s company. Jacques and I enjoyed participating in theatre together.  We always loved watching each other perform. We also had long, wonderful conversations.

When you think about what has evoked those wonderful feelings before, how can you replicate or bring forth those feelings again? I loved to go to theatre or concerts with both of my husbands, so I look forward to enjoying attending those types of events with my friends now. The feelings you experience will be different, and that’s good because you are different now too.

I encourage you to focus on love now. Tell people you love that you love them.  Often, we may assume that they already know, but everyone loves to hear they are loved.  If saying it is hard, try writing it. Send them a card or a letter. What can you participate in where love is all around? Maybe volunteer somewhere you can do something positive. Or go to a wedding when invited. Or invite friends over for a game night.

When we all focus on doing all we do with love, society in general can rise up from all the negativity we experience now. What can you do today?

 

Listen to Burt’s song here: https://youtu.be/FfHAs9cdTqg?si=ykvM0hNiiVmkF9mv

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

You can sign up for our newsletter here

Say What You Need to Say

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I awoke this morning with the song “Say” by John Mayer running through my head.  The song played through the movie The Bucket List which was released in 2007 and led to a phenomenon of people making a list of what they want to do before they die, then doing whatever they needed to do to complete that list.

I googled the song so I could listen to all the words which inspired me to think about my own Bucket List. Most of the things I thought of I have already accomplished, like finding the man of my dreams and marrying him. I did that. Twice. I traveled to five of the seven continents. I guess I could put Australia on the list, and I don’t plan to go to Antarctica.

I live in a tropical paradise. I earned the education I desired and continue learning all the time. I have written 6 books. I host a popular podcast. I have wonderful family and close friends, including my Hawaiian Ohana.

So, what’s left?

I find joy every day in the service of people dealing with grief and loss.  I do that in lots of ways from writing, to talking, to teaching, and whatever way seems appropriate in the moment. All this has led me to think about writing a lifetime gratitude list where I consider all the wonder of my life.

This also leads me to think of what I didn’t say. With both my husbands, we said things to each other all the time so that when they transitioned, I didn’t feel like I missed something. On the other hand, I know I didn’t say what I would have liked to say to my parents, my sister, or to people who were very special to me, but their deaths were not anticipated at the time. Having these experiences has led me to communicate so much more effectively.  Especially, I say “I love you” lots!

What do you need to say or do? Instead of a bucket list, how about a Love and Gratitude list. Tell everyone you love that you love them! And let them know why you do–

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.