Gratitude

Happy Days

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I facilitate the Grief and Happiness Alliance every week on Zoom.  Each week we do some writing related to our situations and we end with learning different happiness practices. Every gathering ends with the participants smiling. Being around people who are also grieving or dealing with loss is a great place to share and get support.

This week, instead of our usual format, we wrote about happiness.  We started with a short meditation where I encouraged the participants to remember times in their lives when they were especially happy. Then I asked them to make a list of things they have been happy about. They didn’t need to write about each experience, just identify it.  For instance, I was happy at my wedding to Ron and my wedding to Jacques.  I could have written a big, long story about each of these and all the other things I thought of. But I stuck with making a list, and by the end of the meeting, I had over 70 items on my list!

We all wrote long lists and enjoyed sharing our favorite happy moments. All the participants found joy in our moments together.  I am sharing this with you to encourage you to make a list like this too!  Aim for at least 100 things.  I know that sounds like a lot, but the more your write, the more you will think of, and the more you will smile.

And it doesn’t have to end there.  If you get to a point where you are feeling a little down, get out your journal and your list.  Pick one thing on the list and write about it in detail including everything that made you happy during that experience.  The more often you do this, the more often you will feel yourself smiling and the longer that happiness will last.

Every morning when I write in my journal, I write about what brought me the most joy the day before. This is a great way to start my days.  It also keeps me thinking throughout the day about what is bringing me happiness. What you focus on is what you experience. You can be so much happier just by focusing on happiness!  Try it and let me know how good it feels.

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

Your Beautiful Mind

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Everyone has a mind which acts like our closest friend.  Our mind talks to us more than anyone else we know, and it doesn’t always seem to be on our side. Offering advice is one of its favorite things to do. I know sometimes I will say something I don’t mean, and I can just see my mind in the background laughing and saying “See, I made you say that!”  When this happens, I realize that I have to be mindful of each word I speak.

In that early time alone after my husband died, my mind was especially active. Reflecting my feeling of being lost and not knowing what to do, my mind seemed especially agitated saying things like “You’re always going to be alone,” “You’re too sad to do anything,” “Or you don’t need to eat now. It’s too much trouble.”  Trying to consciously think about anything seemed too hard, so my mind would jump in to fill up all the emptiness.

Now when I hear people who are dealing with loss saying things like my mind was saying to me, I realize that those negative words aren’t coming from their hearts, and I see how their mind would love to take over and make them even more confused about what they are dealing with.

What can you do about this?  First, recognize what is happening.  When you are mindful, you can take control of your life.  To be mindful means to be conscious and aware. You focus on the present moment and communicate from there from your heart.  Do you remember times your mind took over and wasn’t acting in your best interests, and maybe you didn’t have the energy to disagree with it?  I remember my mind telling me I didn’t need to get out of bed, I didn’t need to talk to anyone, and I didn’t need to eat healthily.  Giving in to what it was telling me was easier than using my energy to talk back.

When you realize that your mind is keeping you confused, it’s time to take action. The first step is to realize that you are in control. You can make decisions about what is best for you. And your mind isn’t your enemy. It’s just doing what it knows how to do. The very best way to deal with this is to make friends with your mind.  I know this may sound silly, but most of what your mind is doing is trying to get your attention. Your attention is a precious gift. What you pay attention to guides all you do in life.

Let’s start with meditation. I hear people say they can’t just sit still and have their mind clear. Most people say this, and do you know who is telling them that?  You’re right, it’s their minds. Try sitting up straight in a chair with your feet on the floor. I like to meditate barefooted. Close your eyes and take a slow, deep breath. Is your mind talking to you? Reminding you that you don’t have time to sit around, or reminding you about that yummy chocolate cake calling to you from the kitchen?  When this happens, thank your mind. Tell your mind how much you appreciate how hard it is trying to help you. Tell your mind that it’s time for it to relax and take a break. Wish it well, then go back to your meditation.

This isn’t easy to do when you first get started, but the more you do it, the easier it becomes, and your mind can get some rest so that it is not so frenetic trying to guide your every move.

Try this.  Commit to living in each moment. The more you do this, the more your mind calms down.  You will gain a sense of peace and happiness. This is vital when you are dealing with loss.  When your mind starts to wander and tell you sad stories, say “Thanks for your input, but I’ve got this.” The more you do this, the more it becomes part of your life, and it’s so worth it!

People ask me how I can grieve and be happy at the same time, and I just smile and tell them that right now, right in this moment, my life is good, and I am grateful.  You can find this happiness, too.

Take a deep breath and smile.  You are on your way to that happiness that you can always tap in to, and it feels so good!

 

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

How Long Does it Take?

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August fourth five years ago Ron took his last breath. We had been together for ten years. In some ways that seems so long ago, while in others, it seems like yesterday. I don’t love him any less than I ever did, and I am sure that won’t change.

Last week I flew to California to attend Soul Sisters retreat. I went a few days early to visit some friends in Ventura who I hadn’t seen since the pandemic started. When I arrived, I was surprised to be so emotional. I was going to be staying with my friend Rose. She wasn’t home yet when I got there, so I sat outside to watch the sunset and the tears flowed. Ron and I lived there in what I thought was my forever home before we moved to Ventura.

I remembered how much I loved our home there, how beautiful we had made it, how close it was to the beach, and how we could walk to anyplace we wanted to. I also remembered how grateful I was that we lived so close to the hospital, and all the emergency trips we had to the ER to stabilize his heart enough to have more time.

While I was in Ventura last week, I went with Rose to an outdoor concert in the grassy park near the mission downtown where we heard powerful women play drums and sing in different languages while the audience danced a picnicked while I stood and stared at the nearby restaurant where Ron and I got married on 1/1/11. And of course, the tears flowed again.

I had planned to see lots of friends while I was there, and I just couldn’t in the fragile state I was experiencing. I do miss getting to see them, yet I realized this was a time I needed to take care of me. Leaving Rose’s warm support and love to go to the retreat was hard, but I did long to see my Soul Sisters.

When I drove down the beautiful coastal highway, the memories continued. When I arrived at Temescal Park, it was like going home. I had gone to the retreat for ten out of the last 12 years.  We had virtual retreats during the pandemic, but I missed two times to be with Ron as his health declined. Being there was the balm that I needed. Happiness, kindness, and love abounded. Everyone was so happy to be there, and Rickie Byars powerful music filled the air and our hearts. Deep, positive experiences continued throughout the weekend as we honored women of all ages, ethnicities, and backgrounds.

I have been surprised at how much the anniversary of Ron’s transition is affecting me, and I am deeply grateful for the love and support of my very special friends and chosen family.

Be sure to hold your grieving friends close as they experience various emotions as time goes on.  Their loved ones may have transitioned, but their love remains, and your support can make a huge difference.

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

 

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Immediately following the death of a loved one, or after a significant loss in your life, there usually comes a period that can be described as darkness. This is more a feeling that an actual lack of light. I remember that it seemed that everything was faded. I didn’t see the viridescent vegetation in my garden or the spectrum of blues in the ocean while I stood on the beach. Everything around me lost its brilliance.

The television show Call the Midwife stirs me every time I watch an episode.  I see in each episode births and deaths and how these events affect all who are present. One character said “Darkness is beautiful or how else shall we shine.” We see constant reminders of people helping people, supporting them in their times of need. There are so many wonderful examples of people helping others in ways that they can bring beauty into the darkness.

I once was walking downtown and slipped on the wet sidewalk. I fell hitting the ground hard. Immediately I saw a homeless man next to me who checked to see if I had been injured then helped me to my feet. I thanked him as he disappeared behind others who just stood there watching.

I wanted to go to a dance exercise class shortly after we moved to Maui, but I was hesitant leaving Ron by himself because I never knew when he would have to be rushed to the hospital. One of the men who was working on repairs for our house heard our conversation and said he would love to stay with Ron because they both enjoyed their conversations. I loved the class I got to attend.  We danced the whole time I was there, so I didn’t get to interact with the participants. I missed a class because Ron was in the hospital, and the next week when I came back, there was a big basket full of treats for Ron from cookies to fruits and even books to read. They brightened a dark time in our life.

Once Ron became weak and was having trouble breathing when we left seeing a movie. I got Ron seated and remembered that his doctor had just prescribed an emergency kit of three different prescriptions for him to take on his way to the hospital if something like this happened. As I turned to find where I could get some water, a man was standing behind me with a cup of water.  He had noticed Ron having trouble and had found a cup of water for him in perfect timing.

These and so many more instances have been there for me in dark times. I am always on the lookout for ways to helps others in their darkness. And I always remember these shining points of light people have been for me exactly when I needed them.

Shine your light, and always be grateful when someone’s light shines on you.

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

 

https://lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com/2022/07/20/1548/

Incredibly Beautiful

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Sometimes I hear a quote that resonates with me, and that happened when I was watching the final episode of This is Us. Someone said “The end is not sad. It’s just the start of the next incredibly beautiful thing.” At the Zoom meeting of the Grief and Happiness Alliance each week we always start by writing about something that has to do with our grief and then we talk about what we write. This quote reminded me of my husbands, so I suggested that we write about it at our last meeting. Thinking of Ron, this is what I wrote:

“Ron transitioned on Friday evening.  His friends who had gathered stayed through the weekend before going back to the mainland. They took me along with them to go dancing where one of them played guitar and sang and a singer who is a good friend was singing too. They played every Sunday evening on a patio outside a golf club restaurant where the view of the ocean and the sunset was so beautiful. I sat there in kind of a fog listening to the music that Ron and I used to enjoy dancing to. They played a slow song that was one of our favorites. I closed my eyes, but the silent tears flowed anyway. When the song finished, there was an unusual silence. I opened my eyes to discover the musicians, all our friends, and even people I barely knew had circled around me showing their love and support. I knew then that I was not alone in my grief and was being held up by their love and strength.”

Then just last week I had this beautiful experience. “Last night I went to a jazz and blues concert in support of the Children’s Arts and Education Group, an organization I support because of all the support they have been to Jacques’ granddaughter, (she calls me grandma), and her husband in creating the Maui Jazz Camp. The they played an amazing version of Someday My Prince Will Come. I closed my eyes, and my husbands, Jacques and Ron, both appeared in my mind.  I danced with them both, one at a time. We swirled, and dipped, and smiled. The dancing was magical. They both were so strong and handsome. I felt the presence of them both and their love and their support. A profound experience and I am grateful.”

Recalling incredibly beautiful moments can bring you warm smiles, and maybe a few tears. And they can remind you of the wonder of loving someone, or two, so deeply.

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

Grateful For All Who Served

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I learned recently to not say that someone “committed” suicide as that indicates a judgment when we can’t know what inspired the person to think that suicide was the answer.  Say instead: died by suicide.  Since I started helping people deal with grief, I can’t tell you how many instances of suicide I have some across.

Writer Nicole Spector says that when we say committed suicide it “puts responsibility on the victim, just as the phrase “committed suicide” suggests an almost criminal intent” (reference below). Suicide doesn’t necessarily indicate mental illness. The person may think that they are doing their loved ones a favor because they see themselves as a failure or because they are depressed.  We will never know for sure.

I was thinking about this on Memorial Day as I read an article in Military Times by Dean Lambert who I had the honor of interviewing for my podcast The Importance of End of Life Planning, April 19, 2022. His article, Can We Honor Deaths by Suicide on Memorial Day? (reference below) He asks if we can honor veterans who die of suicide as the result of the experiences they endured in the service to their country. His words are heartbreaking, and I couldn’t help but cry.

This reminded me of when after Ron died, I made an appointment with my cardiologist because my heart medication didn’t seem to be working. Usually, he was hard to get into because we don’t have enough doctors on this remote island, but he told me to come right in. He explained to me that what I was experiencing what not a medication problem but was PTSD.

I was shocked. I thought I was doing the best I could under the circumstances, but he knew the details of what had been happening with Ron, and he knew I had already experienced so much with Jacques.  Fortunately, with his help, I was able to take the best care of me and find the work I am doing now to help others which has been helpful to me at the same time.

I know how bad I felt at that time, I was devastated.  And when I read Dean’s story of his son, I was able to relate. So many veterans come back from serving in unimaginable situations, and they may feel they have to be strong for their loved ones while their lives have been permanently changed.  I want you to read Dean’s article. His message is so important. 

What is tragic now, but is something we can work toward improving, is that veterans who die by suicide are not honored in the same way other veterans are. As Dean says, “By correlating a veteran’s suicide death to combat-related PTSD, granting military death benefits could bring a measure of comfort and a great deal of closure for survivors. Military dependents might be eligible to receive income, financial support for childcare, health insurance, and other VA benefits.”

I lived in a small California town during the Vietnam War. Our town had the highest deaths from that war per capita of any place in the nation.  I saw classmates and friends who did come back who were totally broken. We all see homeless veterans on the streets who have not been able to adapt back into society. We owe it to all veterans to be sure they have the best of care and benefits for their whole lives for what they have done for us.  We tend to take this service for granted and way too many people only offer judgement.

In answer to Dean’s question, Can We Honor Deaths by Suicide on Memorial Day? I say yes, absolutely, without question. We must offer them our deepest gratitude.

 

 

Why mental health advocates use the words ‘died by suicide’

https://www.nbcnews.com/better/health/why-mental-health-advocates-use-words-died-suicide-ncna880546

 

Can We Honor Deaths by Suicide on Memorial Day?

https://www.militarytimes.com/opinion/commentary/2022/05/26/can-we-honor-deaths-by-suicide-on-memorial-day/

 

The Love Always Project

https://www.lovealwaysproject.org

 

The Importance of End of Life Planning

https://shows.acast.com/grief-happiness/episodes/the-importance-of-end-of-life-planning-with-dean-lambert 

 

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.