Gratitude

Who Do You Listen To?

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After Ron died, I was drifting, not knowing what I was supposed to do next since I had spent so long tending to his needs and doing all I could to cherish the valuable moments we had left. Only after a close friend of ours died suddenly did I realize that I could help his wife, and in so doing, I helped myself start rising up from the fog I had been slogging through. Helping her helped me find ways to help others in grief. And the more I helped others, the easier I could breathe.

I have worked now for three years to find ways to support people through the private Facebook groups I  lead, the classes I teach on writing through grief, the interviews I do online, the social media I post all of which offer positive support, and the book I have written.  I am not saying this for praise. I do all this out of a commitment I have to help others. While I appreciate when people express gratitude to me, that doesn’t drive me. I feel my life’s work is to support those dealing with loss, something that is needed more every day with all that is going on in our country.

Lately, I have been having people on social media criticizing me for the work that I am doing saying that I should be ashamed of writing what I have online to shamelessly promote my book. I have to say that it has shocked me.  And it didn’t just happen once.  In what I post in my blog and on social media posts, I occasionally mention my book.  I do this so that people who would appreciate what I can say to help them. I read many books when Ron died.  I learned much from them, but what I was looking for was positive ways to deal with what I was experiencing, so that’s what I wrote.

When criticized for something I have been selflessly doing, it hit me hard, and I found myself questioning if I was doing the right thing. In questioning my actions, I realized how important it is for me to stay positive and do the right things for the right reasons. I don’t know why someone would choose to say what they said.  What I do know is that I am here to help. I am here to share my love with you. I am here to offer you support. I am here to brighten your day and your life. I am here for you, and I will continue to do all I can in a variety of ways to help you find each moment the best it can be at that moment.

Thank you so much for reading my words.

Come on Over to the Bright Side!

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When Jacques died, I didn’t see anything as positive.  My world was dark.  Most of those who I thought were my friends were no place to be found. I didn’t have anyone to talk to. And I became really good at feeling sorry for myself. I was not happy living this way.

I had not been working at a paying job for over two years as I stayed home to care for Jacques. I was contemplating what I was supposed to be doing then when someone I used to work with called me and offered me a job. My knee jerk reaction was to decline because I had left the job I had working with her because the workplace environment had become impossible, filled with negativity.  I knew that I never wanted to be surrounded by all that again.  Then she explained to me that there had been a major change essentially dividing the department in two.  She was in the new department, and all those with the negativity were in the old department. She said the new department was a wonderful place to work and invited me to “Come on over to the bright side.”  I did, and I am grateful.

This experience taught me that I could choose where I wanted to be, and I wanted to be surrounded by positive, happy, creative people. It also taught me the importance of me focusing on being positive, happy, and creative, no matter what I was dealing with.  This changed my life.  I worked to lift myself up from the depression of grief I had been dealing with and to find a way in each situation to find what was good and stay positive.

I saw an interview this week of the uncle of Jacob Blake, the man who had been shot in the back seven times by a police officer. Jacob’s uncle said his family was “on top of the world.” He said they we so happy because they weren’t going to a funeral. Then I heard a reporter who had a phone interview with Jacob who was in his hospital bed. Jacob said he was grateful to be alive and that he wouldn’t let this incident bring him down. I was struck by the positivity of this family.  I felt that no matter how challenging things became for them, they would get through it together focusing on what is good and positive.

This reminded me of seeing a video of George Floyd’s little daughter sitting on his shoulders, both of them smiling and laughing. George was killed by the police which started enormous demonstrations across our country which are still going on focusing on the reform of law enforcement. And what George’s little daughter said was “My Daddy changed the world.”

Each of us can change the world starting with focusing on the positive.  There is so much good in our lives. I start every day with writing a list of what I am grateful for in my journal. I have filled several journals since I started doing this, and I am amazed at all the things I am grateful for, and I never run out of positive things to say. I also write in my journal every day, and I focus there on making everything positive.  Can you imagine how wonderful our country could be if everyone started focusing on what is good about it? Focusing on the love we all can share?

 

I am focusing on finding what is positive about every situation, spreading love and joy. I invite you to join me in this campaign. Come on over to the bright side!

Growing From Your Loss

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When someone you love dies, everything changes. Initially you have deep yearning for things to go to how they were when you both were healthy and living the life you dreamed of. Now you know that not possible, and you may be struggling to know what to do now. That happened for me. I set my intention to be inspired with what my next steps were supposed to be. 

My inspiration didn’t come all at once. Instead I moved forward one step at a time. I always loved writing, so that was my natural place to start. I wrote in my journal today. I didn’t worry about thinking of something to write about. I made lots of things that brought joy to my life in spite of my sorrow, and there was lots to write about. I still write things that bring me joy every day.  

I also write gratitude lists which also have never ending inspiration. People grieving can easily fall into the hole of negativity, of poor me. When you focus on joy and gratitude, that leaves less space for sorrow. And I do still write my gratitude lists everyday.

At the times I really wanted to talk to Ron, to have his guidance or his opinion about something, I wrote him a letter. I would pour my heart out just like I was talking to him. Those letters could get long! When I finished, I often wrote a letter from him back to me. I choose to think he’s inspiring my words, but even if this words come from deep in my heart or from the resources of the deep knowledge in my mind, I do find answers and inspiration in these letters. 

When Ron’s good friend Chappy died, I started writing his wife every week for the first year, a process that helped both of us.  And these letters inspired the book I wrote, Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief which is being published by Mango Press. 

The growth through loss that I am experiencing is through writing. You growth can come through what you most love. The key is to focus on what is positive, what brings joy to your life. There’s no need to rush here, Baby steps can lead your way.  What do you love? What brings you joy? Do everything related to that.

Say you loved to cook, but you stopped when you just had you to cook for. That can be changed to I deserve beautiful healthy foods to nourish me, then find recipes for one, or create them. Save each new recipe you try to use again, and maybe that will even lead to a cookbook. I might just create one I can just print from my computer and share with my friends when they start cooking for one.

Maybe your refuge is your garden or your art or craft supplies. See how this ca inspire you. Any of these can keep you busy. Or maybe it’s time to change jobs, or take classes, or join an organization that interests you. A friend sent me a card long ago that said Bloom Where You’re Planted.  Take care of yourself now. Learn, grow, bloom!

 

For a sneak peak of my new book, click here!

Surrender to What Is

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Are you upset, angry, frustrated, or depressed about the pandemic and the way it is being dealt with in our country? Let me ask you, do any of those emotions serve you?  When you are spending time with emotions that aren’t doing anything to make your life and the lives of others better in some way, why using your precious time in that way?

I understand that everything is not as we would love it to be at this point, so why not do something about it?  For instance, if you are upset or angry about how the government is dealing with the whole pandemic or any part of it, get out your journal.  Make a list of each thing someone else is doing that you feel is wrong.  Write it all down. Don’t stop writing until you have covered everything that ticks you off. When you finish your list, take a breath, or a few. Relax and release all that negativity from your consciousness.

Now, choose one item on that list to focus on.  How can you, just you, make a difference in whatever it is.  For instance, if you are frustrated that when you arrive at the grocery store, people aren’t wearing masks there or don’t keep their social distance, go to another store where they do.

I had to buy groceries yesterday. I haven’t been out in five weeks to do that and our cupboards were pretty bare.  Usually on Maui the traffic is a dream compared to the mainland.  The speed limits are lower and the drivers courteous.  Yesterday was crazy. People were speeding and dangerously cutting in and out of traffic.  I was going the speed limit and keeping appropriate distances, but lots of the drivers weren’t.  I decided to stay in the slow lane and practice good driving.  There is no way I could know if someone wasn’t rushing their passenger to the hospital, or someone was having a baby, or they were trying to get to a loved one who was dying. Getting angry with the crazy drivers would only make me upset and make my driving worse. I recognized that this was an anomaly and wished those anxious drivers well.

Another issue we are dealing with now is a lack of integrity or a lack of essential information being disseminated.  We could get angry and complain about this, but that wouldn’t serve us. What we can do is only pay attention to reliable resources and ignore the rest.  And find ways to deal positively with the situation we are in.  My neighbors left a beautiful arrangement of flowers from their yard on my doorstep. Another neighbor always picks up prescriptions when I need them.  We all call each other when we go to buy groceries to see if anything is needed.  Find positive, creative things to do to make where you are staying right now the best it can be.

I love that saying about making lemons into lemonade. When you start feeling yourself being drawn into the negativity, actively do something right then to change what you need to, like turn the television off. Focus on all the joy, beauty, wonder, and love we all can share. Only speak positively.  When you surrender to what is, make it be love.

Dangling

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I saw a leaf dangling in the breeze, barely connected to the branch where it had grown, and I thought of me and my relationship with grief. Dangling is that tenuous position where I delicately hang, fluttering in the breeze not sure of whether to hang on or let go.

Hanging on seems important. I’ve been grieving for so long for one person after another that there is some security in grief. I know how to be and what to expect there, but it certainly is not a place of peace or comfort. Always feeling that ragged edge of constant yearning and sadness is heavy in my heart. Grief does serve an important purpose, and grief never really goes away, but I see now that I don’t have to live fully immersed in it. Instead of drowning from its weight, I can place it gently into a special place in my heart, offer it my gratitude, and see how much more life has in store for me.

Instead of continuing to dangle precariously, I am choosing to use my inner strength and live to break free, or really rather to break open away from that strenuous and draining clutch on that branch to the freedom of letting go allowing the wind to gently blow me forward to blue skies and sunshine.

I now breath deep with an ever present smile knowing that my world is filled with the giving and receiving of love and constant beauty. I love that I have discovered my purpose along the way of holding your hand and supporting and guiding you along your way to also discover all the joy, love, and beauty that awaits you as you open your heart and eyes and arms to embrace it all. I am grateful to be on this journey with you.

Surrender

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Where are you right now? Are you where you want to be? Where you thought you would be? The one thing that can keep us stuck, feeling like we don’t know what to do, where to go, or who to be, is the struggle to be where we used to be or where we always wanted to be.

When dealing with the loss of a loved one, you know that things will never be the same. And that’s hard. You may have had that perfect husband or wife that you always dreamed of. Or you may have had a loving, caring mother or father that has always been a big part of your life. Or maybe your darling son or daughter died, or your best friend. Whoever it was, having that person present in your daily life has ended, and you can’t go back not matter how much you think you want to.

You never really dreamed about what it would be like to be without this special person in your life, and you can’t see your future without him or her. Since you can’t go back, and you can’t go forward, what you have left is right now.  The kindest thing you can do right now for yourself is to surrender to what has happened. Surrendering does not mean forgetting your love and your loss. Surrendering means recognizing that right now, in this moment, you are alive, and your loved one is not and will not be physically by your side anymore.

Dwelling in the past makes it impossible for you to deal with today and tomorrow. Surrendering to the knowledge that you are still here, and you have this moment to live, as well as the rest of your life, is powerful.  Immediately after a death, everything seems kind of surreal. You expect to see your loved one, or you want to talk to them, or you need their opinion on something. Not being able to pick up the phone and call them, or roll over in bed to snuggle, or fix them dinner is heartbreaking each time it happens, until you come to terms with your loss and surrender.

I am not encouraging you to forget them. They all are and will be a very special part of your life, but you will find that when you surrender to the lack of their physical presence, you will be able to take a deep breath. You will be able to focus on this moment, right now, and live only there. Lovingly reminisce about yesterday. Dream about all the wonders of your tomorrows. And right now, in this moment, live in gratitude for the one you loved, for the life you have, and for the possibilities waiting for you. Surrender to all things bright, and beautiful, and lovely, and keep your focus right here on the very special person you are and the wonderful present you create.

 

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