The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Gratitude

Change Your World!

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I read a short book today named A Pocket Guide to Gratitude by one of our Reclaiming Your Joy After Loss group members, Karen Schaal.  It reminded me of my journey with gratitude that I thought I will share with you. Reflecting now, I can see clearly the division in my life from before I really started practicing gratitude to when I adopted a practice of focusing on gratitude every day.

My life was good. I was married to Jacques, a kind, brilliant, loving man, was involved in my community, and I loved what I was doing with my life. Then I had the opportunity to support him through the last two years of his life. Then I was alone. My attitude was negative. I was lonely. I didn’t know what to do with myself, so I mostly felt sorry for me. None of that was helping me at all, but I didn’t see it at the time. I was inspired to write a list of things I was grateful for after watching the move The Secret. I was hesitant at first with my negative attitude trying to convince me I didn’t have anything to be grateful for. Surprisingly, I discovered I had lots to be grateful for. The more items I wrote on my list, the more grateful I became, and the more things I thought of to be grateful for.

Soon I realized that I was thanking people all the time. I was smiling more than I had in years, and my attitude had mostly switched to positive. I did learn to pay attention when I would automatically react with a knee-jerk negative thought, but as I paid attention to this, it happened less and less. I have continued my gratitude practice for 12 years now and it grows stronger all the time. Reading that book today, it really hit me that I am such a different person than I was before. I focus on the good, on reaching out, and on being grateful for every moment making every moment something to be grateful for.

Recognizing what you are grateful for can’t help but make you smile. And all those smiles bring so much positivity into your life. I encourage you to focus on what you are grateful in your life. One way you can do this is by “Flipping the script.” What I mean by this is to notice when you start drifting into negativity. For instance, you might say “I have nothing to be grateful for since my loved one died, and I am alone.” Yes, that is sad, but you can find something positive by saying, “I am grateful for all the years, the moments I had with my loved one.” Or “I am grateful for the wonderful conversations we had.” Thinking those thoughts with a positive attitude can bring you a smile. And you will discover things to actively do to bring more smiles based on those thoughts. You could invite a friend for a cup of tea or glass of wine and have a lovely conversation. Or you could spend some time with a friend or family member doing something that brings you both joy.

You can feel so much better when you focus on all the good in your life instead of on the negative. I encourage you to write down 5 things you are grateful for right now in this moment. Then see how good it feels. Then keep up the practice. You’ll be so glad you do!

 

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Are you afraid?

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When I asked my group what they would like for me to write in a blog, Brandy mentioned the fear of going it alone after being with someone for so many years. I can understand that, and I did experience fear after Jacques died. I was afraid of a violent neighbor. I was afraid of being alone. I was afraid of not knowing what to do. And I kept finding things to be afraid of. When Ron and got together, he taught me about fear. He told me that there are only two real emotions: love and fear. I could choose to be in love, or I could choose to be in fear. At that point, I had fallen in love with Ron, but I still had things I was afraid about. I started researching this idea to see what others thought. I discovered that this concept dated back to ancient times.

What I discovered is that fear is not real. For instance, most of my life I had a deathly fear of heights. I assumed it was because when I was very young, I had fallen out of a two-story window and landed on the concrete fracturing my skull. Now that would be a good reason. I would feel terror whenever I had to be in a situation where I was up high. I would shake, feel sick to my stomach, and become short of breath. I had always worn glasses, and as an adult I discovered I could have Lasik surgery to correct my vision. The surgery was quick and simple, and as I got off of the operating table, I suddenly discovered why I had been afraid of heights. With my astigmatism corrected, the floor was now where it belonged. It no longer appeared to me that each step I took felt like stepping off a cliff. In that instant, my fear of heights disappeared.

The dictionary says that fear is an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous or will cause you pain. If fear is simply an emotion, you can choose not to feel it. If something is dangerous, you can rationally figure out a way to deal with it so as not to experience the danger. For instance, it is dangerous to walk across a busy street without looking both ways. When you look both ways, you will only cross that street when there aren’t vehicles headed your direction thus eliminating the need for fear.

Not experiencing things that will cause you pain is not so simple. You may fear being alone because of the pain of your loved one’s death. That is a cause that you cannot change, but you can look at the situation differently. Consider how that fear serves you. What do you get out of being afraid? Chances are, you don’t get anything positive. If you aren’t getting something positive, why have it?

Recently I had an issue with my kidneys. My friend who is a homeopathic doctor asked me what I was afraid of because in Chinese medicine, fear is the emotion of the kidneys and bladder. I thought about this and realized that at this point in my life I don’t really have any fear. It did cross my mind that both of my husbands died of complications from renal dialysis, but in examining my feelings about that, I realized that I am not afraid of death. I have had a wonderful life full of rich experiences and love, so if I would die right now, it would be with a smile. And it seemed to me that death is the biggest thing that people fear, and if I didn’t fear that, I really am fearless.

When you do discover things that you fear, figure out why you are afraid and fix that. If you fear your financial situation, get help to figure out how to best live within your means and pay off your debts. If you are afraid of being alone, call a friend, take a class, join an organization, or find another way to get out and be with people. If you fear the future, focus right now on loving yourself. Put your energy into that love and how it can serve you. When you bring joy into your life right now, the future won’t be as scary because all you really have is this moment, so make this moment great and full of love, especially self-love.

I recently had a wonderful conversation with Justin Kauflin, a gifted jazz pianist who became totally blind when he was eleven years old. He had become a semi-finalist in the prestigious Thelonious Monk competition, and he was frightened about playing in front of the judges. His fear caused him to not play his best. He didn’t move on in the competition. As he reflected on this experience, he realized that instead of being afraid of performing in front of judges like Herbie Handcock who he greatly admired, he could have felt, “Wow! I get to perform in front of Herbie Handcock!” This experience allowed him to release the stage fright which had plagued him.

As you examine your life and your fears, what do you need to do to release those fears? Think of it as Justin does. I get to live my life! I get to enjoy my moments. I get to love myself and everyone else. How wonderful is that! Start enjoying your moments in this one, right now.

Freedom

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This week we celebrate freedom in the United States of America, so I decided it’s a good time to celebrate my freedom.

I am grateful to live where I am so free. I am free to vote for who and what I want to. I am free to love who I want to. I am free to choose the food I eat. I am free to choose the kind of work I want to do. I am free to believe what I want to.  I am free to drink fresh clean water. I have free time and can do what I want to in that time.

When voting, things don’t always turn out the way I would want them to, but I am grateful to be able to take part in the decisions.

I love unconditionally, and I am thrilled to spend time with those I love the most.

With eating, I choose healthy, non-processed foods, and when I shop at farmer’s markets and produce stands, my food bill is much lower, and I am much healthier by eating yummy fresh fruits and vegetables.

I have worked in many fields in my life from nursing, to teaching, to writing books, to being an entrepreneur, to theatre, to owning a café an cantering, to being a vegan chef, to owning an ambulance company. I love them all and am grateful for the variety of experiences.

I am a spiritual person grateful for meditation, recording my gratitude, living by intention, doing affirmations, praying, and not judging anyone’s beliefs.

I am thrilled to have ready access to all the good, clean water I can drink, bathe in, and use.

I love my free time to use creatively in the arts, to spend time with people, and to serve my community.

Though I miss my sweet husbands on holidays, I take time to reflect on the fun we had on the holidays we shared, and I am grateful for my freedom.

I am free in body, mind, and soul.  I am free to take good care of my body by eating wisely and exercising. I am free to take good care of my mind by reading and being open to learn new things. I take care of my soul by doing my daily spiritual practice, by staying in integrity, and by loving unconditionally.  I am grateful to be free!

I encourage you to reflect on your freedom this week, too!

 

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Birthdays

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Birthdays can be a big challenge. Ron’s Birthday was last week, and it really hit me hard. I thought of his big party we had to celebrate his 70th. We lived very close to a place where we could make our own wine, so months before the party we started creating our wine so it was ready to bottle on his birthday. We invited everyone to come help us and our granddaughter’s jazz trio entertained us while we ate cake, then we all walked to our house for a fabulous Greek dinner. What great time we had! 

My birthday was a week before he died. He was in the hospital and I had been staying with him to help with his care around the clock. On the day of my birthday, he insisted that I go home to shower and had Shena pick me up because I was too tired to drive. Instead of taking me to the hospital, she took me to my favorite restaurant where all our friends were waiting for a birthday party for me. He and Shena had been planned it for me before he ended up in the hospital. It was beautiful, but I just wanted to be back with him. 

His birthday this time made me remember about how we always made our birthdays special for each other, a time to celebrate our lives and our love. Soon it will be my 70th, and I keep thinking how much I wish we could celebrate it together. And I think we will. I will have cake and flowers and a glass of wine like we would have shared, and I will revel in the sweet memories of our special times together while I also realize how far I have come. I am in a good place now, and I know he wanted that for me. 

Love lasts forever, and birthdays are a regular time to reflect and be grateful for all we shared.

 

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What Can I Celebrate Today?

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Every morning I write out my gratitude list before I do anything else. This way I start my day feeling positive and smiling, recognizing how wonderful my life actually is. I listened recently to an interview Oprah did with Lynn Twist, who Is a major inspiration in my life. Lynn learned much about money, scarcity, and enoughness when she was the Director of Development for The World Hunger Fund. Much of her philosophy is based on recognizing what you already have and making the most of it. In her interview, she suggested instead of just writing a gratitude list, that celebrating what you are grateful for can help solidify whatever that is, making it a highlight in your life.

So, what can you celebrate today? For me, when I woke up this morning I was thinking of how many people I know who are having serious health challenges right now, and instead of worrying about them, I realized I am grateful to be able to serve them. We made home-made chicken soup for a friend with pneumonia, brownies for a bed ridden friend with a sweet tooth, sent cards and notes to a friend grieving, sent cheery texts with beautiful pictures to a hospitalized friend, and talk on the phone to a friend asking for guidance. Instead of focusing on the negative, I focus on the positive. I celebrate today that each of these friends are alive and that I can shower them with love.

I encourage you to watch Lynn’s interview with Oprah, watch her TED Talk, and even ready her inspirational book, The Soul of Money. You will love her. My whole attitude toward money and life in general changed when I read that book.

 

 

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