The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Gratitude

Who Loves You?

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When your loved one dies or you are experiencing a big loss of another kind, the biggest thing you will probably deal with is a loss of love. While your love doesn’t go away with a loss, it’s just not the same. Love is the most precious emotion we get to experience so the absence of the experience of being with your loved one can be devastating. You can, however, deal with this loss in a positive way that can support you through your loss.

Self-love is essential always, yet this is especially so at stressful times. The good news is that you always have access to the most significant kind of love you will ever have because that’s self-love. In early grief even the idea of self-love seemed odd to me. How could that help me? How could I provide comfort for myself? The answer is easier than you would think.

The first thing you can do is make a list. I love lists for everything. On this list, write everything you love about yourself.  Take your time with this, and as you think of more items for your list, add them.  Just start writing and see what comes up. Aim for at least 100 things! You can do this!

On my list, items vary from how strong my fingernails have finally become, to how much I enjoy holding babies or watching puppies play. Maybe you love your smile or how you have your mother’s nose. Consider how passionate you are about things like fixing dinner for friends or taking flowers from your garden to shut-ins. Include all those good things about you that everyone else might not know.

Your list will grow and grow as you consider how wonderful you are. Your next step can be writing a letter to yourself describing in depth the wonders of you. What would you like to be remembered for? What do you consider your legacy to be? What are you passing down to future generations? After you write this letter, put it someplace special so you can get it out to read when you could use some support.

One more thing you can do is a self-love workout. Each morning when you look in the mirror, give yourself a pep talk to start your day. Include things like, “You are so beautiful today. I love your smile. Your hair looks so pretty today. I love the glow on your face when I see you are happy. I am amazed at your kindness and generosity. Thank you for reminding me of the importance of forgiveness.” I am sure you can go on and on. Say this all out loud as you gaze at your beautiful self.

Before you go on about your day, be sure to say, “Good morning beautiful. I love you more than you can imagine!”

Say it every day!

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

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Choose!

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When I woke up this morning, I was so inspired! It felt wonderful. While I was still in bed, I opened my eyes and looked at the clock and it was 11:11. Oh no! I had slept half the day. I needed to get up right away. Then I actually opened my eyes and realized that was a dream and it was 6:30, closer to my usual time to wake. “Whew.” I took a deep breath to release the panic, and started my morning with the fresh energy that came from being startled.

As I started to write in my journal, I realized all that was a wink from my dear departed husband, Ron. January 1, 2011, or 1 1 11, was the day we got married. That clock in my dream was from him. I laughed and could just see his great big smile. This inspiration led me to plan a great day, starting with getting dressed in clothes I could wear outside.  I’ve been hibernating for a while, but today I chose to dress for walking.  The sun is shining, and I am ready!

I recently had the opportunity to see singer, songwriter Karen Drucker give a talk. She was bubbling with energy and smiles. She said, “Today choose to be grateful, happy, peaceful, loving, joyful, and mindful.” That’s a lot! And it sounds like a perfect day to me.

Thanks, Karen, for that inspiration. I am writing it in my journal to remind me to choose all this every day!

I have a big talk coming up at a conference in Las Vegas. I’ve been working on it for a while, and today with all that fresh energy, the entire concept for what I will say poured out of me. I could see myself on that stage, smiling and engaging the audience so they were entranced with my message. That all came to me because I chose today to be positive, to pay attention to inspiration, to enjoy my day, and to be creative.

I hope today will be fabulous for you, too! Follow Karen’s advice and see what happens! This blog is a little shorter than usual today because I have a walk to go on!  Bye! See you later!

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

You can sign up for our newsletter here

Last Letters

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Chances are we won’t know when our last breath occurs. Hopefully it will be at a time of peace when we just go to sleep and not wake up. If this is the case for me, I’ve been wondering if I would have said everything I would want to say before I took that last breath.. Who knows when that’s going to come. It could be any moment, or it could be years down the road. I have relatives that lived long lives, and I’ve had relatives that lived short ones without being able to have any idea when their last moments would be. Because of this, I plan to say what I need to say now.

My husband Ron was only on hospice for a week, and he made good use of that time. He made sure to say whatever he wanted to say to anyone he wanted to say it to. We made a list to be sure he would contact everyone he wanted to. We invited anybody that could get to Maui to come be with him during that last week. He was surrounded by good friends; many had been friends for his lifetime. He also had people who were significant in his life that he hadn’t talked to in years and others he had only known a short time. We made a big effort to get them all called, and by the time he finally went to sleep, we had crossed off all the names on this list, and I could see how grateful he was.

He had the opportunity to tell special friends or family members exactly what he wanted to say. I was in awe listening to him have these last conversations with people that he could express things so deeply, and I thought what a wonderful life he had lived in unconditional love with so many different people. So many of us don’t get that opportunity to say goodbye because we don’t know when that last moment will be. My grandmother went to sleep one night and didn’t wake up. I was just 13 years old, and I tried to remember if I had told her that I loved her. I know we exchanged big hugs. She was the one person in my life at that point that hugged me, and that meant the world to me, so I knew she knew I loved her but I’m not sure if I ever expressed it in words. 

My father died suddenly. I am proud to be his daughter and am amazed at the things he was able to accomplish. He was such a good man. My mom dealt with a brain tumor for a long time. I know I got to tell mom what I wanted to tell her, but it was awfully late in her life. I wish we would have been able to have those conversations as we went along. I’ve had friends die suddenly and I didn’t get to tell them goodbye. This made me think about people that I’m close to now. I want to be sure to not leave things unsaid. 

I have new friends who are special to me, and I want them to know how much I care for them, how much I noticed what they’ve done for me, how much I am honored to have been able to do things for them, and how wonderful it is to have deep friendships. Right now, I commit to making a list of all the people I want to express my gratitude to so that they can know while I’m still around. This can lead to beautiful conversations, or at least they will know how I feel about them and the wonderful times that we’ve spent together. I will make sure that everyone I have something to say to is on that list, and I will write to each of them while I still can. I plan to enjoy all the time that I can with the people that I love.

I’d love for you to make a list or at least talk to the special people that you really want to talk to while you can, or like me, use the list and write letters so your words will always be there. The people I love will have something left from me, and I’m grateful for that.

 

 

I have special gift for you since you read this blog. I have created so beautiful stationery for you to use to write your letters. I would love to gift it to you at no charge. Just send me a message to emily@griefandhappiness.com including your name, and if you would like, your address to include on the stationery. Be sure to include the email address you would like me to send the printable PDF file to you.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

You can sign up for our newsletter here

Memories

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Our lives carry millions of memories. These memories can inspire us and amplify all the good in our lives. And the tons of memories  also can weigh us down to the point we can’t easily move forward.

Considering these opposite subjects of fear or loss, and happiness or joy, compile a list of each one. Write these lists on separate pieces of paper.

Start with the memories that are sad, maybe even tragic. Or the memories that are embarrassing or frightening. They may be of extreme frustration. They may be of loss that seems unbearable. Take your time with this list.  Don’t include things you have worked through and released because you have already let them go.

Now write about each item on this list one at a time. For each one, answer these questions:

  1. How long ago did this happen?
  2. Is this any part of your life now?
  3. Do you feel like you are carrying the effects of it now?
  4. Do you want to release it so that it no longer bothers you?

When grieving, much of the pain comes from memories of things you had no control over and of things you wish you had done differently. And most of these things are on the list you just wrote.

You can’t change anything that has happened already, but you can change how you think about it and deal with it now.

There is a beautiful Hawaiian tradition called Ho’oponopono. You can use it for any of these memories you wrote here. The results of sincerely doing each item on this list will change your life dramatically. To do this practice, take one item at a time and write or recite each step.

  1. I am sorry
  2. Please forgive me
  3. Thank you
  4. I love you

This example of how I did this practice will show you how it works. A doctor made a mistake in my husband’s care that led to much of the pain my husband suffered. This is how I dealt with each step of this process.

  1. I am sorry. I apologized for the anger I felt toward the doctor. I knew in my heart that he would not have intentionally afflicted this pain on my husband.
  2. Please forgive me. Forgiveness is essential in any case where you have done anything that needs to be forgiven. I asked for forgiveness for carrying this anger for so long.
  3. Thank you. Look for the good in the situation and be thankful for that. I am thankful for all the good, helpful things that the doctor did for my husband.
  4. I love you. Loving that doctor and all the good things he did allowed me to let go of the anger I had been carrying.

Work your way through your list answering all the questions about each item. You may need to do the practice more than once. Do it till you can release what needs to be about each item. By practicing forgiveness and giving more love out into the world changes not only your life but the lives of those around you.

Now look at your happy list. For each item, recall the experience and what you were happy about. Did you love what happened and the people involved in your happiness? Do you feel joy as you recall what happened. What can you take from these experiences to bring more happiness, love, and joy into your life and the lives of those around you?

This may seem like a lot of work, but it’s worth it. Every day you will feel lighter as you release any trauma from your past and focus on the great life you are creating now filled with joy and love.

Now is the time for you to actively let go of past burdens and discover the wonder waiting for you as you move forward in your grief.

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

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Break Your Heart Open

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I recently ran across the phrase “Break your heart open.” That made me think about how often people who are dealing with grief or loss feel that their heart is tender from their loss. To protect that tenderness, it’s only natural for us to shield our hearts from any possible future loss.

The trouble with working so hard to keep your heart safe, the hurt places can form scars. Scars keep getting thicker and harder creating a shield that prevents strong healthy heart beats. Eventually your heart can shut down all together.

While I am referring to that simply shaped valentine style heart, the physical heart also is affected. There are so many tragic stories of when someone dies, their loved has such a hard time dealing with their heart that they don’t know to how to go on. While it may feel this way, know that you can go on.

I am sure you have heard people tell you that your loved one would want you to be happy, and while I believe that to be true, that’s not the best thing to tell you when you are missing someone so deeply. To bring you comfort, try writing a letter to whoever you are missing. This can be anyone you would love to talk too. I write my husbands on Valentine’s Day and on our anniversaries, my mother on Mother’s Day, My father on Father’s Day, my sister and other friends and relatives who have transitioned, I write to on their birthdays or on Thanksgiving.

These letters allow you to say whatever you would like to say. Often, I think of something I would like to talk to one of my loved one about, so I write them a letter. I’ll think Ron would know just what decision I need to make. Jacques would cheer me up. After I write one of these special letters, I always feel better. And I feel belter still if  I write a letter back to me from whoever I wrote to. I always get an answer. I just write out the letter as if I am taking dictation. I’ve had people say I am just writing what I want to hear. That may be, but I choose to believe I am writing out exactly what my loved one wants me to know.

When you feel like your heart is breaking, pay attention. Be easy on yourself. Do something comforting for you. Do something positive to help you put your mind on something else. Instead of being sad about your situation, let your heart break open. Open to comfort, open to happiness, open to love.  When you open your heart wide, you have lots of room for all the things that serve you best.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

You can sign up for our newsletter here

What Side of the Bed Do You Get Up On?

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When I was young, I remember my mom saying that I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and I couldn’t figure out what she was talking about. I shared a bed with my sister and we slept on the same side every night. I was on the left. She was on the right. And what difference did that make anyway?

As I reflect, I know now that she was talking about the attitude I woke up with, and that was rarely happy. Every day seemed the same, doing what I had to do. I was mostly lonely, and it seemed like no one cared what I did. So I did what I thought I was supposed to, and that was to be good.

My definition of being good changed throughout my life. It boiled down to doing the best I could, the most I could, but that never seemed to be enough. When I needed to make a decision, I would always wonder what my parents would expect me to do. It took a long time for me to see that I could do what I wanted to do and just be responsible to me for my decisions.

Whew! What a relief! My imagination became my guide. My choices became my own. I loved who brought joy to both of us. I quit a job I thought I was supposed to do and created a business I was passionate about. I lived where it was beautiful. And I manifested a life I had only dreamed about before.

Then my husband died. I felt so empty, so blank. I struggled to find who I was without him and what was next. Gradually, the broken pieces of my heart began to mend by taking care of myself and loving myself allowing me to love someone else again.

Then my next love, my next husband, died. While mourning, I decided loving again would be impossible, that I couldn’t live through it. Gradually, the memory of how my broken heart was able to heal in the past allowed me to focus on me again. I knew I was strong and the key to living had always been taking care of me.

Contemplation and exploration of this concept stitched my heart back together allowing my love to become stronger than ever, and now, it’s me who I love.

I nourish my heart with the unconditional happiness and love that causes it to beat as I pass that love and happiness forward. I see the warmth of my smile reflected to me allowing me the great comfort of knowing I finally have figured out how to live my very best life.

Now I get up on the right side of the bed every day and am grateful for my commitment to love and happiness.

What side of the bed to you get up on? You can change that if you choose.

 

 

Blog Links

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

You can sign up for our newsletter here