Gratitude

Love Remains

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I remember in 1965 Burt Bacharach released the song What The World Needs Now. He wrote it as the Vietnam War was raging. I remember those times when the flower children gathered to sing folksongs about peace and happiness. The yearning for love in the world brought people together in a positive way.  You’d think that now, almost 50 years later, that we as the people of the world would have figured out how to live in peace with unconditional love for one another, for everyone.

How does this relate to grief? Those grieving are dealing with profound loss in their lives, no matter what the cause. And unconditional love is the most potent way to deal with that loss. You may say “But the person I loved the most died.” While that is so, it doesn’t mean that your love died. My two husbands, my parents, my sister, and so many friends and relatives have died, and I still love them all and will for the rest of my life. I am sure you have lots of love that you carry in your heart too.

Try writing in your journal or just sit quietly with your eyes closed and focus on your biggest or most recent loss. Write or think or dream about the person focusing just on the love you shared. What do remember about the times you felt the best.  What were you doing? Where were you? What made that time so special? Enjoy remembering the beautiful feeling of love you shared then.

Ron and I used to spend lots of time sitting on our lani. We would talk, read, meditate, dream, play, and write. And sometimes friends joined us there too. We didn’t need to plan anything. We just enjoyed each other’s company. Jacques and I enjoyed participating in theatre together.  We always loved watching each other perform. We also had long, wonderful conversations.

When you think about what has evoked those wonderful feelings before, how can you replicate or bring forth those feelings again? I loved to go to theatre or concerts with both of my husbands, so I look forward to enjoying attending those types of events with my friends now. The feelings you experience will be different, and that’s good because you are different now too.

I encourage you to focus on love now. Tell people you love that you love them.  Often, we may assume that they already know, but everyone loves to hear they are loved.  If saying it is hard, try writing it. Send them a card or a letter. What can you participate in where love is all around? Maybe volunteer somewhere you can do something positive. Or go to a wedding when invited. Or invite friends over for a game night.

When we all focus on doing all we do with love, society in general can rise up from all the negativity we experience now. What can you do today?

 

Listen to Burt’s song here: https://youtu.be/FfHAs9cdTqg?si=ykvM0hNiiVmkF9mv

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

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Being Alive

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I vividly remember the moments when Ron, Jacques, my mother, my mother-in-law, and my aunt took their last breaths. Ron, mom, Fran, and Aunt Ila all slipped peacefully from this physical presence. Jacques had a look of panic. I felt like he wasn’t ready, like he didn’t really believe his time had come.

I am recalling this today after seeing a picture of someone and noticing his drastic change of expression after experiencing a traumatic and possibly fatal occurrence. Usually he looks angry or smug, but his look today was different, almost serene. I have never seen that look from him before. I wonder what people think when they look at me?

In reflecting on all these experiences, I thought about my general expression and what I would like it to project. I frequently say that I am happier than I ever have been, so from now on, I choose to smile so all who look at me can feel the warmth of that expression and reflect that happiness. Unlike the people I mentioned earlier, I now know my plan is to peacefully pass with that smile on my face when my time comes, and I plan to live every moment I have left to the fullest in the meantime.

Next week is my 75th birthday. I didn’t think I would live that long. Dad didn’t. Ron didn’t. I feel like I am on bonus time now, so I plan to make the very most of it. And I don’t feel old at all. I’m not even sure what being old feels like.

Although I have made it my objective to live in the moment, I have been somewhat lax in implementing that.  My new intention is to pay attention, to experience each moment, to revel in the time I have been gifted.  For instance, I love to paint and have a project in mind I have been looking forward to for weeks, but each day I have found myself doing something else. Today is the day I am painting!  I am also completing my new book proposal. And I am taking time to read and relax intentionally.

Being alive, to me, is living in the moment, following inspiration, taking excellent care of myself, providing comfort and compassion to others, taking deep breaths, enjoying all the beauty in the world, and focusing on what is good and right.

In the moments I have left, my intention is to pay attention to being alive! How about you? What does being alive feel like for you?

 

Let’s Connect:

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Say What You Need to Say

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I awoke this morning with the song “Say” by John Mayer running through my head.  The song played through the movie The Bucket List which was released in 2007 and led to a phenomenon of people making a list of what they want to do before they die, then doing whatever they needed to do to complete that list.

I googled the song so I could listen to all the words which inspired me to think about my own Bucket List. Most of the things I thought of I have already accomplished, like finding the man of my dreams and marrying him. I did that. Twice. I traveled to five of the seven continents. I guess I could put Australia on the list, and I don’t plan to go to Antarctica.

I live in a tropical paradise. I earned the education I desired and continue learning all the time. I have written 6 books. I host a popular podcast. I have wonderful family and close friends, including my Hawaiian Ohana.

So, what’s left?

I find joy every day in the service of people dealing with grief and loss.  I do that in lots of ways from writing, to talking, to teaching, and whatever way seems appropriate in the moment. All this has led me to think about writing a lifetime gratitude list where I consider all the wonder of my life.

This also leads me to think of what I didn’t say. With both my husbands, we said things to each other all the time so that when they transitioned, I didn’t feel like I missed something. On the other hand, I know I didn’t say what I would have liked to say to my parents, my sister, or to people who were very special to me, but their deaths were not anticipated at the time. Having these experiences has led me to communicate so much more effectively.  Especially, I say “I love you” lots!

What do you need to say or do? Instead of a bucket list, how about a Love and Gratitude list. Tell everyone you love that you love them! And let them know why you do–

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Learning From Losses

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Painful as it may be, loss is full of lessons that can guide us to a more mindful, happier life. I have lost many people in my life which led me to reflect on their lessons, so I am sharing them with you.

My Father. I learned to talk to people while I can. I go deep. My father was a World War II Veteran. I know absolutely nothing about his service in the war, but I did see his lifelong service and connection to Veterans. I wish now I knew why.

My friend in high school who died by falling into a grain silo. I must always be mindful. I wasn’t mindful last week when I took a painful fall. We all can prevent accidents and mistakes by paying more attention to all we think and do.

My Grandmother. She was the only person in my family who hugged me. I looked forward to her warm embrace every time I saw her. I didn’t learn at the time the value of those hugs and how I could share them with others. When I was with Jacques, his whole family always hugged me. I softened, and now I enjoy giving and receiving hugs.

My band teacher. I learned the importance of integrity in everything I do. I never missed a band practice and was always on time because all our band members respected the rest of the band. I always practiced my flute at home to be ready when we rehearsed, and my uniform was always clean and pressed.  And I learned to love music at the same time.

My camp counselor. Her name was Tish, and I will never forget her. She taught all of us kindness and respect. All the campers she worked with felt her love and tended to share it with the new friends made at camp. I still smile when I think of her.

My husband Jacques. I learned the importance of commitment, and lots more. When he agreed to do something, it got done. He was a great philosophy professor, and a wonderful singer and actor. Everything he did, he did well. People felt his commitment, enjoyed his talent, and recognized his love for all he did.

My mother. My mother was always busy, a trait I picked up. She carefully chose what she got involved in and she finished everything she started doing a great job. And she always found joy in what she did. She played bridge with the same four friends almost every week from when she was in college until she died. She was close to her bridge partners like they were sisters.

My sister. I learned when it was too late that I could have had a much better relationship with her. We were nine years apart, and she wasn’t thrilled about having a baby sister who she had to help take care of. In her later years, I discovered her sweetness and wished I had softened toward her so much sooner.

Through all this loss and the loss of so many people in my life, I see endless lessons. I have learned commitment, and I finish what I start. I have learned the value of the present moment and the importance of not waiting to say what I need to or do what serves me and others best. And most importantly, I have learned to cherish my friends and families. I let them know I love them. I never used to say that to anyone but my husbands, but now I say it often and realize that my life is filled with love.

What have you learned from your losses?

 

 

Emily Thiroux Threatt emily@griefandhappiiness.com

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here. ://a.co/d/eWNx3j1

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Let’s Connect

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Sitting alone in the evening was such a tough time for me in early grief. I longed for someone to talk to about my day or what my dreams were. I turned to my journal at times like this where I could pour my heart out and figure out what I wanted, where I was going. Does this sound like experiences you have had?

When dealing with loss, I found that people who I considered friends tended to stay away from spending time with me. I was surprised at that.This was the time I longed for their presence, but they weren’t there.  I justified the absence by telling myself that they must be busy. When I had an opportunity to talk to a friend, I told her I missed her and would love to spend time with her. I was surprised when she told me that she was sorry. She wanted to spend time with me, but she didn’t know what to say. She didn’t want to make me feel worse by saying the wrong thing. Wow. What a shock.

I was looking at my loneliness was something that someone else had to fix, but while sitting by myself I knew that I had to take the first step. I remembered that some of my friends ha asked me in the past had asked me how to cook vegan food that tasted good  since they knew I was a certified vegan chef.  With this inspiration, I asked some friends to come to my house to learn how to fix a tasty vegan meal. My friends were happy to join me knowing they had something positive to do together.

Reaching out to who I wanted to be with worked for me. I invited people to go to concerts, to classes, to a film festival, and to my house to make Christmas ornaments together.  Relieving them of their perceived obligation to deal with my grief opened the way for us to be comfortable spending time together. As they saw how I could speak comfortably about my husband who had transitioned allowed them the comfort to join in the conversation when they wanted to.

I found much comfort in writing about what I was dealing this a decided to reach out to people who were seeking ways to deal with their grief. At that time, I didn’t know that many people on Maui who were driving, so I put a message on MeetUp and invited people to come to my house to write about grief together and then talk about it. Suddenly I had a new group of friends who met regularly who were grateful to have found a caring group of friends to share experiences with.

Now I offer you the opportunity to write about things dealing with grief, then share what you wrote about with a whole new groups of friends who get you, like I do. We gather on Zoom once a week and our Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization covers the expenses so you don’t have to pay a thing. People who come to the gatherings have told meow much they appreciate what we do together and the new friends they make.  I have made many new friends from around the world by participating in in this group.

I invite you to connect with me and with your new friends who all are dealing with grief and loss. Much comfort comes from this practice of self-care. And I get to meet you and know you, and share with you, and I love that opportunity. Pease join us! You can make a reservation each week by clicked on this link.

I look forward to connecting with you!

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here. https://a.co/d/eWNx3j1

You can sign up for our newsletter here

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Sunrise, Sunset

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Even if you haven’t seen the play or movie of Fidler on The Roof, you probably have heard the main song, Sunrise, Sunset. Read these lyrics and see if a memory of this song comes to you:

Sunrise, sunset

Sunrise, sunset

Swiftly flow the days

Seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers

Blossoming even as we gaze

Sunrise, sunset

Sunrise, sunset

Swiftly fly the years

One season following another

Laden with happiness and tears

Lyrics by

Sheldon Harick

As I was gazing at yet another gorgeous sunset here on Maui, those lyrics floated by in my mind. I see the sunrises out of my bedroom each morning and see the sunsets from my lanai. I love to take pictures of these beautiful times of days, and no two pictures are ever alike.

This day was different from any other day I have experienced, and tomorrow will be different too. I can choose to let each day float by or choose to identify the love and beauty of the day, or to wallow in the sadness of a day.

Four of the most significant days in my life came at the sunsets of my loved ones.

When my father died, he had just given a big speech to his whole community honoring the veterans there, then the next day, he was just gone from a heart attack. I was in shock, but I was able to witness the community celebrating him all week because it was the week of Veterans Day. Though I was sad, I chose to be grateful for such a wonderful father loved by so many.

When my mother died, she had been deteriorating for a long time. Her physical self was unrecognizable. The last time I entered her room, I sat next to her bed and held her arm where I could feel her pulse as I told her all I wished I could have earlier in her life, especially that I loved her. Then I told her she didn’t have to wait, that Daddy and her mother were waiting for her, and it was OK for her to go.  I felt her pulse slow and stop. When I went into the other room to tell her sister, I felt the love I had never expressed to her overwhelm me, and I was grateful to have served her and taken care of her for the last years of her life.

When my husband Jacques died, he had been suffering from a myriad of health challenges for so long, but he always thought he would get better. I saw when he realized that wasn’t going to happen. He was getting into the car to go to yet another dialysis treatment. He looked in my eyes and said “Oh. S**t.” Then he collapsed into the car and slid down between the seat and the dashboard. I was unable to move him. I was in shock.

When Ron died, he was surrounded by his family and friends, all celebrating him through the week of his death.  He was so loved and supported during this time. He just appeared to fall asleep, then he was gone. Initially with his departure, I cried painfully, but after that, I was grateful that he wouldn’t have to experience all the pain he had been through anymore and I found peace in that.

While these are all sunsets, I have lots of sunrises too like when my children and grandchildren and now great grandchildren were born. With each graduation, each wedding, each wonderful experience they are all having, it brings me joy too.

I love and am grateful for it all. And the more experiences I have with all of my loved ones, the more grateful I am for this amazingly beautiful life I get to live. I think about the beauty and joy of each sunrise and sunset, and I encourage you to take the time to look up  at these gorgeous reminders of our precious lives and reflect on your sunrises and sunsets too.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

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You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.