The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Grief

Tenacity

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My mom loved to do crossword puzzles, the really big 1,000 piece puzzles.  She would spread them out on the dining room table, and we’d be eating off TV trays in the living room. Sometimes I’d sit with her and try to help, but I’ve got to admit, they were somewhat overwhelming.  Mom was tenacious though. She always finished each puzzle.

Eventually, when the puzzle was complete, it would be swept back into the box. I always wondered what it would be like if the whole puzzle fell to the floor, breaking into 1,000 pieces. Picking up each little piece would be tedious, and some pieces were sure to go missing.

Grief can feel like that puzzle broken on the floor. The person grieving would search for every piece, but it would take a while, and some pieces may never be found. One would think there has got to be an easier way, and there is. By making a conscious choice to do what you need to so you can move forward in your life, you will start to feel better.

The two main things you can do at this point in your grieving process are to pay attention and to get out of your own way. Pay attention to experiences you have, to thoughts that come to you, and to feelings that linger. Journaling helped me more than anything else especially early on.  During this tender time, we are likely to feel blank and empty or easily overwhelmed, so writing about these feelings when they happen can be helpful.

What occurs for you may vary.  You could have the experience of friends fading away as they go on with their lives, or the lack of motivation to get out of your bed, or eating too much or too little. You may be overwhelmed by thoughts about what to do next or how you will ever be able to move forward. Feelings of loneliness, sorrow, or hopelessness can dominate every waking moment. The good news is, there is a way to deal with all of this.

First recognize that you are in control, though it may not feel that way. We tell ourselves things like “I can’t do this,” I don’t know what to do,” or “I am too tired to do anything.” These are all examples of getting in your own way.  The first step is to eliminate all this negative self-talk. Make a decision to notice when your monkey mind starts whispering in your ear saying things like “I can’t,” or “I don’t.” Change those thoughts as soon as they come to you. Flip the direction to “I can,” “I do,” or “I am.”  Then follow through with your new intention.

Everything you experience is either positive or negative. Feeling both at the same time is impossible. Joy and pain do not exist in the same moment. Keep this in the front of your mind and focus on what you will experience.

Now pay attention to what is happening and get out of your way. Be a tenacious person who never gives up or stops trying.  You can do this. Start now.

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

Balance

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Life is a delicate balance. We breathe in. We breathe out. Our hearts beat. Our hearts relax after each beat. We are awake. We sleep. For every action, there is a counteraction. This balance allows our bodies and hearts to live, to thrive.

When a loved one dies, our balance is thrown off. As we mourn, our balance is askew. Think of old-fashioned balance scales where 2 pans hang down from a bar. What you want to weigh goes on one pan and weights are added to the other pan until both pans are at the same level.

When death occurs, people mourn. The people who are closest to the person who died usually mourn the deepest. Picture yourself on one side of the scale and your loved one on the other side. When your loved one dies, they leave the scale causing your side of the scale to fall to the lowest point, completely out of balance.

The process of grieving allows you to place what helps you on the other side of the scale gradually bringing the scale back into balance. In early grief, you are at the lowest of the low, and when you are ready, you start discovering what you need to bring you back into balance. You start with the basics.

Your body takes care of itself by drawing air into your lungs. Paying attention to your breathing allows you comfort. You can control your breathing to a certain extent, and closing your eyes and taking deep breaths helps you reset. Your heart beats to keep your body functioning. The stress of grief can cause the heart to beat faster and the blood pressure to rise. Focusing on deep breathing and relaxing can help to normalize both of these.

Your metaphorical heart may feel broken, and love can help mend that break.   Healing comes from receiving the love that your friends and family bring to you as you deal with your loss. Just as important is the love that you reflect on these people. Taking time to recognize that giving and receiving love brings you strength and gives you comfort.

Pay attention to what brings the balance that you crave back to you. Everything you do, even if it feels ordinary, contributes to your balance. Remembering to eat, to walk, to sleep, to bathe all contributes to leveling those scales. The more you enjoy these ordinary things, the sooner the scales will level.

Focus on what serves you, what heals you, and your balance will return.

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, here:

https://smile.amazon.com/Ignite-Forgiveness-Journey-Peace-Harmony-ebook/dp/B0BLFCYYD6/ref=sr_1_1?crid=9C6VAFE42H5C&keywords=ignite+forgiveness+book&qid=1669836040&sprefix=Ignite+forg%2Caps%2C284&sr=8-1

Plans

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I remember a quote I learned while studying literature at the university by Scottish poet Robert Burns: “The best said plans of mice and men /Gang aft a-gley. Translated, that is “Often go awry.” In the case of people dealing with the death of a loved one, that could be changed to “Always go awry.”

We all have hopes, dreams, and plans for our future, but when the person you planned to be with in that future is no longer with you, the plans won’t be the same. My husband Jacques and I lived in the same city for 23 years. We always talked about where we would travel to and where we could move to for different experiences, but those plans were never realized. He retired long before his mother died, and since she was in her 90’s, we didn’t feel comfortable be far away. By the time she died, his health prevented us from following our dreams.

When I found myself alone, I thought of those conversations we had and felt that I couldn’t travel or move alone. I am sure that my life experience would have been different if I had the courage to follow those dreams alone. Instead, I found that everything was different for me. Although I had realized that my husband what dying, I didn’t make any plans for living alone.

I had planned to stay in the house where we lived all those years, but I moved to a much smaller place. I had to figure out how to find that new house, how to purchase it on my own, how to pay my bills, and how to find a job. Fortunately, that all worked out well for me, yet I still felt in limbo for a long time.

I had not planned on dating and getting married again. Then I met Ron, and everything changed. Ron taught me mindfulness, living in the moment. When his health was declining, he guided us to move to Maui.  He lived there before I knew him, and he somehow knew that it would be a beautiful, loving, supporting place for me to be as I adjusted to life without him. He did not have life insurance or assets that I would inherit, but to move to Hawaii, we sold that house for almost double what we paid for it after living there for only four years.  That allowed me to be secure financially, and I fell in love with living there for so many reasons.

When you find yourself on your own, you will be grieving not only for your loved ones, but for the plans and future you had looked forward to. You may find yourself having difficulty making decisions about all you need to do. Often you wonder what to do, what direction your life will take you. After Ron died, my biggest challenge was discovering what my new life’s purpose would be. I journaled to consider what was next for me. I wrote Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief to help and support people dealing with loss sharing what I learned in the process of my grieving.  Through all my writing, I discovered that my purpose was to guide others through the maze of grief as they create their new lives.

What new plans are you making? What’s your purpose now? In the words of American poet Mary Oliver “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life.”

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

Selflessness

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Often when I talk to people who are dealing with loss, they tell me that their sense of purpose is no longer clear to them. Everything in their lives seems different and they find themselves examining what they should do next.  I know I did. I had spent all my time with my husband before his transition, then I felt alone and lost.

I took much needed time to not do anything for a few weeks. I felt like I couldn’t even think. Gradually, I started reflecting on where I was in life, and where I might want to be. The thoughts seemed to get jumbled in my head, so I started writing them in my journal.  The more I wrote, the more I had to think about. I realized at that time that this kind of writing could be helpful to others who are also dealing with grief.

I started facilitating writing groups at my home where we would write about things related to what was going on in our lives while we were grieving. I loved participating in the conversations we had after we wrote. Solemn faces began to smile, and conversations became animated. I saw a glimpse of what would become my life’s purpose. The grieving soul can be lonely and could benefit greatly from the comfort and support that would come from exploring thoughts and feelings in writing, and then having someone to talk about what was written.

This experience led me to facilitate grief writing groups which evolved into the Grief and Happiness Alliance. I saw how important it was for us to deal with all that is related to grief, and that it was essential to not dwell just there, but to also discover the importance of happiness at this time. The instant when I felt that allowed me to implement my new life’s purpose of helping others through their grief leading them to find ways to be happy while in the process.

The more people I worked with, the more I heard them question their life’s purpose and it most often was finding a way to help others. Life is filled with opportunities where support is desired or necessary, and coupling these opportunities with something you are passionate about leads to a beautiful life’s purpose you can’t wait to fulfill.

The selfless acts of playing the piano or singing at a rest home where visitors are infrequent combines the passion for music with the service of a performance. Reading children’s stories to youngsters gathered at a library combines a passion for reading with the service of caring for the children. Listening to or simply sitting with a friend who is grieving combines your compassion with your love of service. When you consider the things which you are passionate about, you most likely can find a way to bring together service and passion. This is true selflessness.

What is your life’s purpose right now?

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

 

Fishing in the Wrong Pond

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I heard someone say the other day that she was fishing in the wrong pond, and that reminded me of going with my parents to Oregon to visit my aunt and uncle so that my father could go salmon fishing in the ocean with his brother-in-law. I wasn’t allowed to go out on the boat with them, so I would wait on the shore watching the big waves and anticipating having a luscious big fish on the bar-b-q for dinner. They always seemed to go to the perfect spot to fish, and always came back with a bounty.

Being in the right place at the right time leaves room for finding exactly what you want. With fishing, you are more likely to succeed if you go where you know the fish usually hang out instead of to a pond that may be pretty, but you never heard of anyone catching fish there. I think of this in relation to discovering who you want to be around when you are dealing with grief.

Someone told me of a grief group she attended where many tears were shed at every meeting, and I knew that wasn’t the place for me. But it was the right place for those who regularly went to that group. On Maui, I went to a Death Café. The idea intrigued me, and when a friend invited me, I went with her. We met at a Mexican restaurant, ate nachos, and shared our stories. The group was warm and inviting, and the people who attended were working with grief related to a variety of reasons. I made friends there and did return.

A place you can make new friends who are also grieving is the Grief and Happiness Alliance. I facilitate this group which meets every week. We write on a different topic each week, then we talk about what we wrote. And then we learn happiness practices.  I love this positive, creative group where I’ve made great new friends. There is no charge for these meetings because we are supported by the Grief and Happiness Nonprofit Organization.

You can come to the meetings by registering here: Grief and Happiness Alliance 

Another place you can attend is Dialogue on Death and Dying provided by the Transform Myself Ministry of Unity Church. I am on a panel of four people with different backgrounds who meet once a month to discuss anything related to death and dying. We meet on Zoom and people come to see us by getting a ticket on EventBright. The four of us talk, then we break into smaller groups to have more in depth conversations. Every month the discussion is different, and you can make new friends there too.

You can sign up to attend here: Dialogue on Death and Dying

Ask around in your community to see what is available in person there. You can also find groups for a variety if things where you live on MeetUp. Try something new like a Pickle Ball group or a reading group.

Find MeetUp in your Community: MeetUp

The key is to find the fishing hole that works for you. Having people to talk to is so important, as is just having fun! The key is to do something. You are not going to find that big fish in your living room. Find your own, special fishing pond.

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

Carve Out Your David

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After my husband died, I found myself searching for what I was supposed to do for the rest of my life. I have led a rich and fulfilling life, yet at this point, I felt like I had done all I set out to do although my path was circuitous. I spent much time writing about the experiences I have had in life just to explore my thoughts, and I found myself recalling when I went to the Galleria dell’Accademia in Florence, Italy, where I could see Michelangelo’s David sculpture.

I love to do ceramic sculpture.  There is something about having my hands in the ceramic clay and manipulating it to see what emerges. I generally don’t have something clear in my mind when I start a sculpture. Rather I see where the clay takes me. I am surprised when a perfectly proportioned head and face emerge, and they never look like anyone I know.

I had studied about Michelangelo when I was working on my degree in Fine Arts. They said he would start with a slab of marble then chip away at it until an image appeared. He said that the sculpture was already in the marble, and he was just revealing it. The David sculpture is huge, dwarfing the people standing at its base to admire it.  I imagined that the original piece of marble would have fit on the bed of a flatbed truck. The gallery also had a display of Michelangelo’s works in progress and the tools he used to chip away the marble.

In my writing I found myself contemplating how my life emerged by chipping away at its surface. I kept creating new ideas of who I was along my journey.  I morphed from one image of myself smoothing into the next, often doing more than one thing at a time. I was a college student when I had my babies. I was torn between being a full-time mom and working for the needed income and insurance my nursing job provided. In one day, I could go from delivering a baby when the doctor didn’t get in the room fast enough to leading a Girl Scouts meeting and fixing dinner.

I wanted to complete my education, but we had moved, and the new university would not give me credit for the classes I had already taken because their classes were different. At that point, I was close to graduating, and they insisted that I essentially start over. With their plan, it would take me five years to get a bachelor’s degree and more years postgraduate to meet my career goals.  I changed my major and got my bachelor’s degree and my master’s degree in a total of five years, and in the process changed my career from nursing to teaching writing.

In the meantime, I was raising my family, participating in community service, and doing lots of theatre from acting, to directing, designing, and producing. And all this led to creating a live theatre and school of arts complete with an art gallery, a café, and a catering business.

Seeing how Michelangelo carved out his marble painstakingly making tiny gouges I grasped how each step in my life’s path was like my own steps in creating the woman I am now. Those years in nursing were vital in me being able to provide the best care as I nursed both of my husband’s on their last two years with me. All I learned about writing contributed to the six books I have written. The theatre experience helped me create my Grief and Happiness podcast. The teaching experience helped me create the Grief and Happiness Alliance. The experience of community service in nonprofits helped me to create the Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit organization. And my grieving of my two husbands led me to do the work I do today.

Each experience I have had contributed to me finding my life’s purpose of proving comfort, support, love, and happiness to those dealing with grief and loss. And I am grateful for it all.

I encourage you to write about how your experiences have enhanced your life’s journey to become the beautiful person you are today.

 

I took the picture at the top of this blog and the picture below I took at Galleria dell’Accademia in Florence, Italy when I went to Tuscany. They illustrate the process of chipping away the marble.

 

The picture below is the back side of the famous David  sculpture. Usually the front side is photographed, so I included the back side so you could see it from a different perspective.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here