Grief

Grateful For All Who Served

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I learned recently to not say that someone “committed” suicide as that indicates a judgment when we can’t know what inspired the person to think that suicide was the answer.  Say instead: died by suicide.  Since I started helping people deal with grief, I can’t tell you how many instances of suicide I have some across.

Writer Nicole Spector says that when we say committed suicide it “puts responsibility on the victim, just as the phrase “committed suicide” suggests an almost criminal intent” (reference below). Suicide doesn’t necessarily indicate mental illness. The person may think that they are doing their loved ones a favor because they see themselves as a failure or because they are depressed.  We will never know for sure.

I was thinking about this on Memorial Day as I read an article in Military Times by Dean Lambert who I had the honor of interviewing for my podcast The Importance of End of Life Planning, April 19, 2022. His article, Can We Honor Deaths by Suicide on Memorial Day? (reference below) He asks if we can honor veterans who die of suicide as the result of the experiences they endured in the service to their country. His words are heartbreaking, and I couldn’t help but cry.

This reminded me of when after Ron died, I made an appointment with my cardiologist because my heart medication didn’t seem to be working. Usually, he was hard to get into because we don’t have enough doctors on this remote island, but he told me to come right in. He explained to me that what I was experiencing what not a medication problem but was PTSD.

I was shocked. I thought I was doing the best I could under the circumstances, but he knew the details of what had been happening with Ron, and he knew I had already experienced so much with Jacques.  Fortunately, with his help, I was able to take the best care of me and find the work I am doing now to help others which has been helpful to me at the same time.

I know how bad I felt at that time, I was devastated.  And when I read Dean’s story of his son, I was able to relate. So many veterans come back from serving in unimaginable situations, and they may feel they have to be strong for their loved ones while their lives have been permanently changed.  I want you to read Dean’s article. His message is so important. 

What is tragic now, but is something we can work toward improving, is that veterans who die by suicide are not honored in the same way other veterans are. As Dean says, “By correlating a veteran’s suicide death to combat-related PTSD, granting military death benefits could bring a measure of comfort and a great deal of closure for survivors. Military dependents might be eligible to receive income, financial support for childcare, health insurance, and other VA benefits.”

I lived in a small California town during the Vietnam War. Our town had the highest deaths from that war per capita of any place in the nation.  I saw classmates and friends who did come back who were totally broken. We all see homeless veterans on the streets who have not been able to adapt back into society. We owe it to all veterans to be sure they have the best of care and benefits for their whole lives for what they have done for us.  We tend to take this service for granted and way too many people only offer judgement.

In answer to Dean’s question, Can We Honor Deaths by Suicide on Memorial Day? I say yes, absolutely, without question. We must offer them our deepest gratitude.

 

 

Why mental health advocates use the words ‘died by suicide’

https://www.nbcnews.com/better/health/why-mental-health-advocates-use-words-died-suicide-ncna880546

 

Can We Honor Deaths by Suicide on Memorial Day?

https://www.militarytimes.com/opinion/commentary/2022/05/26/can-we-honor-deaths-by-suicide-on-memorial-day/

 

The Love Always Project

https://www.lovealwaysproject.org

 

The Importance of End of Life Planning

https://shows.acast.com/grief-happiness/episodes/the-importance-of-end-of-life-planning-with-dean-lambert 

 

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

 

 

 

The Value of Tears

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Every Sunday the Grief and Happiness Alliance meets on Zoom to write, do happiness practices, and make friends. Last Sunday we wrote about tears. Rev Rachel Hollander, who is the President of  The Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization, wrote this piece that touched me, so I asked if I could share it as the blog for this week. How do tears serve you as you deal with grief?

 

The Value of Tears

By Rev. Rachel Hollander

 

When I need a good cry, I watch one of two (or both!) movies.

Magnolia (1999) and The Wizard of Oz (1939).

Other movies and t.v. shows can bring tears as well, of course.

These two are my absolute go-to’s, though, when I feel like I just want to have a deep, cleansing cry.

Magnolia, for a few reasons. Aside from the film itself (which is magnificent), it is because the memory of my first viewing of it is tied directly to my Jimmy. He brought me to that movie, after he had already seen it, and he sat behind me to “watch me watch it.” And then he sat with me after it was over for the 45 minutes I stayed in my seat and sobbed.

The movie will be forever linked to him. And to us.

Among the many parts of the film that break me open, there’s a particular moment that happens near the end….William H Macy’s character has failed to get the attention of the one he loves, he has failed in his attempt to rob his bosses, and he has literally fallen from grace, smashing his face on the pavement.

Broken and bleeding and finally yielding to tears, he says, “I really do have love to give. I just don’t know where to put it.”

This moment brings me to my knees. Every single time.

With The Wizard of Oz, the tears are tied to childhood, to memory, to what has been lost, to my own Life Pilgrimage. As well as is being so beautifully perfect.

From the opening message that reminds us that the movie is dedicated to “the young at heart,” the tears begin to flow.

And in the final moments when Dorothy tells Toto, “Well, anyway Toto, we’re home. Home.”

I have never watched this movie without sobbing.

Generally, I find crying to be healing. And absolutely necessary.

If I don’t cry on a regular basis, I notice that I will get headaches and I become cranky with the world.

Songs and music (with and without words) are also useful for this kind of release.

It’s what I would describe as: Delicious pain.

 

 

We would be happy for you to come write with us on Sundays too. No charge as the Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organizations exisits to serve people who are dealing with grief and loss by dunding our activities.  You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Are You Willing?

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I was just reading about a woman devastated by grief.  For the first year, she couldn’t smile or laugh. Her body hurt. Her heart hurt. Breathing hurt. She had no interest in anything even if it was something she had loved before. She had memory challenges. Food didn’t interest her. He weight dropped significantly. She didn’t read or watch tv or go out with friends. Suddenly, I realized that this was a description of me after Jacques died.

As I reflected on my situation, I realized that I wasn’t aware at the time that I had essentially checked out emotionally after Jacques died. That happened with my mother, too, when my father died. She stopped smiling, and she didn’t talk very much at all. My sister’s husband died in their bed, so she had the bed removed from her room and lived in her recliner in front of the tv which was always on. That’s where she stayed for years.

The thing that my mom, my sister, and I had in common with these situations was that we weren’t willing to change. My mom and sister just didn’t know how to be without their husbands, and initially, I didn’t either. What was different for me was I realized that I couldn’t survive in that place of emptiness. I had to change my thinking, and only I could do that on my own.

I started reading. I read Marci Shimoff’s Happy for No Reason because I did want to be happy, and at the same time, I couldn’t figure out how I could be happy alone. That book was rich with examples of people who were so much worse off than I who were truly happy, and I figured if they could be happy, so could I!

I read Lynn Twist’s the Soul of Money and that totally changed my perception of the importance of money in my life and how to best handle it. I gave away so many copies of that book because I loved it so much. My new attitude toward money allowed a sense of control and freedom in my life that I didn’t know I had been craving.

I had two friends that suggested I watch the movie The Secret. So, I watched it. I didn’t think that what they were saying about manifestation could be true. Then I thought I didn’t have anything to lose, so I tried manifesting little things, and discovered that I could actually decide how I wanted my life to be, and that I could make it happen, and I did.

I also started keeping a gratitude list.  That was hard for me to start because I thought I didn’t have anything to be grateful for since my husband died. Once I started writing out everything I could think of that I was grateful for, I realized that my life was good. I didn’t have to start from scratch to move forward. Knowing that my life was solid and secure, I could look ahead and focus on how my life was different now, and I started enjoying what I was doing.

The big revelation to me was that I was only able to make my life the best it could be under the circumstances was to be willing to change. Just because things weren’t the same as they were before Jacques’ death, that didn’t mean everything was bad. When I finally was willing to look at everything differently and to appreciate what I had and to be open to changes, then I could move forward. And I did. And I am thrilled that I did.  My life is so good now, and I am happier than I ever have been.

Are you willing to feel better, to breathe easier, to start enjoying your life again? What one thing can you do right now that will help you be open to your new, beautiful life? Please do whatever that is.  Take good care of your precious self in the process.

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

 

Unconditional Love

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Most of my life I had no idea what unconditional love was. I hadn’t thought much about love in general. I knew my parents loved me, but many times it seemed conditional. The first time I thought I fell in love, I realized that we could only be in love if I was perfect in his eyes in all things, and I wasn’t.  I learned from that the importance of being and doing what someone else expected of me. All that did for me is help me lower my self-esteem.

When my first baby was born, one night nursing him in the middle of the night, I realized what deep, true love really was. He was so little and so fully dependent on me. And I loved caring for him.  I also realized at that moment how my mother must have felt about me, but she was never able to demonstrate it.

I went through life thinking I could find true love if only circumstances were different. If only I was prettier, if only I got better grades, if only I had a magnificent job, if only I married a doctor, if only I was shorter (I grew to six feet tall when I was in seventh grade). All of those if onlys didn’t help me a bit.

When I met Jacques, I learned so much more about love. He loved me just the way I was, and I loved him that way too. I discovered along the way that we developed what I consider now to be a bad habit of judging people, and when you are judging others, you really are judging yourself too, and I fell back into that “if only” place I thought I had left behind.

We were both teaching college, and we’d say if only our students would pay more attention or take their education more seriously.  We both did lots of theatre and we were always complaining about actors not memorizing their lines or missing rehearsals. That judgement of others got in the way of us living our best lives.

I started learning about unconditional love from Ron. If I started to complain, he would say, wouldn’t it be better to do something positive about an issue than to get upset about it? That was hard for me at first, but I eventually realized that it is not my place to judge anyone else. When I learned that, the gateway began to open for me.

I finally started taking responsibility for myself. I stopped finding fault with others. That enabled me to make a huge shift. I started to love people for who they were. I choose to spend time with people I enjoy being with and I don’t judge them. And I don’t judge myself.

Why am I writing about all this right now? I have been observing the state of the world. So much of what is happening that is negative comes from judgement and hate. We could all learn from the song Hal David and Bert Bacharach wrote and Jackie DeShannon sang in the mid-sixties, What the World Needs Now:

What the world needs now is love, sweet love

It’s the only thing there is just too little of . . . .

No not just for some, but for everyone.

Imagine what our world would be now if we all chose to love one another instead of judging them. What if we are all at the beginning of a huge shift in the world? We can be if choose to.

Start right now. Remember the deepest love you have experienced or that you would love to experience. How does that feel? Take that feeling and pay it forward. If you realize you are judging someone or something, forgive yourself, forgive whoever you need to, and then start spreading that beautiful, unconditional love. May it circulate all over the world and beyond.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Stuck

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I spend a lot of time on my computer with all the work I am doing, and the more I do, the bigger mess I have. A friend noticed one day how many tabs I had open in Chrome. She said she’d never seen so many open at once! Now I know that’s not a good thing, especially when my computer gets confused and shuts down. I know I can do better; I just have to do it!  In the words of Henry David Thoreau: “Simplify, simplify, simplify.”

Now that I have identified this issue, I am working on it. I started bookmarking tabs I want to return to instead if keeping them open forever. I have stopped keeping so many documents open at once. I clean off my desktop. And I keep all my email accounts cleaned up.  What a relief!  You may be thinking, “But I don’t do all that stuff on my computer.” So where do you have things piling up in your life?

I used to have a giant to do list that kept getting bigger. So, I made a spread sheet to simplify it all.  I am amazed at the relief I feet of not expecting myself to get everything done all at once. I find when I set priorities, I can comfortably do what I want to instead of stress about not getting things done.

I recently did a challenge where I released 27 things a day for 9 days in a row.  I when first heard about it, I thought wow, that’s a lot. And even so, I decided to do it. And you know what? It felt really good! And I did the whole thing. And what surprised me most was that I am still releasing things every day, though not necessarily 27 things each time. The less stuff I have, the lighter I feel.

How would you describe your life right now? Too many items on your to do list? Too much stuff in your drawers and closets? Too many dreams of what you think you would like to do? Examine what is holding you back or weighing you down. In reading this, you had things pop out to you that said, “Hey, that’s me!” Do you want to stay there?

With my computer, when I get too much stuff going at the same time, it has enough sense to shut itself down, and to reboot.  Is it time for you to refresh and reboot? We drag so much along with ourselves as we grieve. Maybe you feel guilty for something you didn’t do or say before your loved one died.  That doesn’t serve you. Forgive yourself for whatever it was, and then release it. Maybe there are a lot of books that you are not interested in that your loved one left behind, ones that you will never read. Give them to someone who would love to have them, or to the friends of the library.

What feelings, possessions, or habits are lingering in your life that you can release? Chances are, you won’t miss them at all when they are gone. And you will feel lighter and happier along the way! So do a reboot on your life: refresh and renew!  You will be so glad you did!

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Bird Lessons

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A new pet has adopted me.  I probably wouldn’t have chosen him.  He just ended up in my yard and decided it was the place for him to be.  My son even named him Rodney the Rooster.  Roosters are ubiquitous in Hawaii. You’ll see them at airports, in parking lots, and at outdoor restaurants. Unfortunately, Rodney didn’t learn the lesson about crowing at sunrise. He crows all night and during the daytime, too.  Now he brought home a lady friend, and I am OK with that since he’s not quite as noisy, and together they feed on bugs that visit my garden, especially my roses. Watching him strut around my property, I started thinking about all the birds in my life.

When I was a child, a neighbor built an aviary in his back yard. I could hear all the birds and just had to see what they looked like, so I ventured out to peek over his fence.  He noticed me and invited me in.  I was fascinated. He was raising parakeets to sell to the store in town that sold birds, cages, and bird food.  He taught me how to take care of them, feeding them and cleaning up the aviary. He even taught me how to clip their wings. I was so much help to him that he gave me a light blue parakeet and a cage, with my parents’ permission of course. I very carefully clipped my bird’s wings so he wouldn’t be able to fly away from me. Unfortunately, he couldn’t fly away from my sister’s cat either.  The last I saw of him was his tail feathers sticking out of the cat’s mouth. I was devastated with this early lesson on life and death.

A favorite bird we had after I was married was a finch amazon parrot. He was huge, beautiful, and loud. He used to say “Hello pretty boy” all the time, and our whole neighborhood knew when it was dawn. We learned to cover his cage at night which fooled him into thinking that it wasn’t dawn until his cage was uncovered.  We had to leave for a couple of days, so we made sure he had plenty of food and water like we had before whenever we went away.  This time though, somehow, he managed to knock over his water, so we found that beautiful boy laying in the bottom of his cage when we returned home.  I felt responsible. It broke my heart.

I was done with birds, and then we were given 2 little love birds. They we so cute and sweet with each other.  Then one of them got sick, then I got sick, then the other one got sick, and they both died.  We buried them in the backyard. This happened at a time I didn’t have health insurance and I got very ill. I was sure I had pneumonia. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep.  My breathing was difficult, and I had a bad cough. A friend dropped by who happened to be a veterinarian, and he diagnosed me with psittacosis (parrot fever) because the birds had died, and he and told me what the prescription was that I needed.  Fortunately, my aunt was able to get a prescription for me from the doctor she worked for. We had to dig up the birds and give them to the health department who confirmed the psittacosis.

I learned about life and death, and about the responsibility of having birds for pets.  I decided to only enjoy birds in nature from then on. Moving to Maui has allowed me to do just that. There are so many chickens here, and they always seem to be crossing the road. I am surprised we don’t have Chicken Crossing signs, but they’d have to be everywhere!

Ron and I would sit on our lanai, called a deck on the mainland, and listen to the amazing birds singing, especially in the morning.  So many different songs! They would come and play in the water of our fountain close to the lanai. They almost always were in pairs and were beautiful to watch, especially the cardinals. Ron would go outside at dawn every morning to watch the cattle egrets fly in formation up the volcano we live on the side of.  They always flew right over our house. I think Ron attracted them.

I loved to watch the birds gather components for their nest building.  I am amazed what they found to use.  One bird had a thin piece of plastic that flowed all the way down to the ground. We watched as bit by bit that little bird got all of it into the tree.  I imagined him sharing with his fellow birds since there are so many of them!

I am grateful that I learned the importance of the freedom of the birds.  They don’t live by arbitrary rules that we make up when we capture them. Being free, their songs seem joyful. I’ll continue to listen to all these beautiful birds and take the time to enjoy their lovely songs. And I relish their company even at this distance.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.