Grief

What’s Your Choice?

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When my husband Ron died, I felt somewhat lost. The first few weeks were as difficult as you could imagine. I felt very alone and adrift, like I was floating through a fog where nothing made sense.  When I started to come around after that, I remembered how sad I was for a long time after my husband Jacques died. I realized that I did not want to experience that again, so I started journaling about what I could do differently, and that led me to see that I wasn’t sure what my purpose in life was anymore.

Not feeling a purpose was a big realization for me.  I knew that if I had a focus, something I could strive for or actively do, I could start to rise up from the sad place where I had been spending my time.  The challenge was what would I focus on?  I started with little things first. I decided to spend less time watching Hallmark movies on television. I hadn’t watched many before this time, and I found that they could be on, and I didn’t need to pay attention because they all had the same basic plot, so I knew how they’d end. When I realized that, I saw that spending my time that way wasn’t serving me.

I started spending lots of time journaling asking myself what I could be doing.  I wrote long lists of people I loved and who loved me, and of things I am grateful for. I wrote something about each person and each thing I was loved and was grateful for, and that helped lift the gloom. Then I tried making a list of things I could do, of what could be my purpose. I wrote lots of details about each item on those lists. The more I wrote, the more I could see that what was missing for me them was human contact.  The more I sat by myself, the lonelier I became. Now that wasn’t me! I love people. I love to have conversations and discover how I could support the people I loved. I started reaching out.

I asked friends over to visit and I signed up for art classes where I could meet new people. All that helped, but the one thing missing was being able to talk to anyone who also was dealing with loss, or at least telling me they were dealing with loss.  I realized how much my writing was helping me in dealing with my grief, so I decided to ask people to come write through grief with me. Since I didn’t know anyone who was currently dealing with grief, I got brave and created a Meet-Up group and asked people to join me. And they did! Every person who showed up did not know me or anyone else in the group, and we quickly bonded over writing and drinking iced tea.

Discovering the joy that came from meeting new people and getting to help them at the same time was just what I needed to pull me forward. Together we supported each other so we all started feeling better.  I am grateful that I chose to reach out and make a change in my life that serves me so well. All of this led me forward to write my book, Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief, and to find many different ways to provide comfort, support, love and happiness to people who are grieving or dealing with loss.

My choices through each step of this process all served me. Each choice I made opened me up more to new possibilities in my life and to the realization that all I am doing is based on the conscious choices I have been making. I love what I am doing now, and I make a special effort to pay attention to all of my choices which help me to now be happier than I have ever been!

Your choices can bring happiness to you too. What choices are you making today?

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Is Sound Really Healing

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I was first introduced to sound healing years ago when I went to a sound healing session at a retreat. I was blown away.  The session was outdoors on a wood deck surrounded by diaphanous curtains.  I laid down on my back and had a small pillow filled with flax seeds and lavender cover my eyes. Then for the next hour, I was comforted by the gentle sounds ranging from chimes, to gongs, to pan flutes, to Djembe drums, to rain-sticks, to Tibetan singing bowls, to drums, to tuning forks, to crystal bowls, to a didgeridoo and more. I felt like I could have stayed in that magical place for hours.  I was comforted in a way I had not experienced before.  And the wonderful feeling stayed with me for days.

When I moved to Maui, I discovered a group sound healing event. This was held in a large room with shiny wood floors. We brought yoga matts, pillows, and blankets to get as comfortable as we could. We started by siting for a lovely meditation.  Then we all got comfortable on the floor with our heads directed toward the center of the room where there was a huge assortment of Tibetan and crystal bowls as well as two giant gongs which provided deep vibrational sound. The sound went on for an hour and included the leader’s lovely soprano’s wordless ethereal singing. All of this enabled profound meditation, and I always felt lighter when the event was over.

I wanted to learn more about how sound healing works since it has been used for hundreds of years and believed is to heal many physical ailments. I met Julia Denise Berrey here on Maui where I live. She is a Feldenkrais practitioner who also uses crystal bowls with her healing techniques. She explained to me about how each of her bowls has a different frequency which provide different results in the way bodies react to the sound. She tells of the common belief of the difference between the frequency of 440 Hz which is believed to be man-made and addictive while the frequency of 432 is said to boost your immune system. Both frequencies sound very similar but have different effects.  Lots of research has been done on this theory and the results are controversial. By searching online, you can discover in depth many of the things that sound can help heal.

Julia also told me that the frequency of 528 Hz is the frequency of love. I decided I would check this out.  I found things that were recorded at 528 Hz online, so I listened to them with earphones on to get the full results.  All I can say is wow. What I experienced was so comforting that I now listen to it for meditation and even for just listening to. I jumped at the opportunity to go to the beach in Wailea to experience a meditation and sound healing session hosted by my friend Carol McNulty Huffman and Julia who played her crystal bowls and a pan drum. The beautiful sounds Julia produced along with the crashing ocean waves and the drums from a luau not far away felt amazing.

I am telling you all this because self-care is absolutely essential to support you while you deal with grief. Seeking out beautiful sounds to listen to is readily available by just doing an online search. And experiencing these sounds at an in-person experience is worth the effort to find a place to do this.  This is just one way you can use to help you feel better.  I would love to hear of other ways you have used for self-comfort. Together we can support each other.

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Unheard

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Do you feel alone sometimes?  Maybe is seems that no matter how many times you say something, people just aren’t hearing you? This is not unusual, and you aren’t alone.  Often when we are grieving, we just don’t feel the strength we need to keep fighting the same battle. When this happens, we usually must keep trying until someone hears. I have a big example from my life.

Many years ago, I started having problems with my knee which was painful and swollen and a challenge to deal with. I went to different doctors, acupuncturists, massage therapists, physical therapists, and surgeons. One surgeon finally told me that I had a torn meniscus that he could repair it and I would be cured, after more physical therapy. After the surgery, he told me my meniscus was not torn but the lining of my knee looked like thick red shag carpet and that he didn’t know why it looked like that. Recovery from the surgery was tough because my whole leg swelled so much that my skin split.

Years went on with no relief. I took lots of anti-inflammatory drugs, but to little avail. I learned to not sit on the floor ever, to walk slowly, and to just put up with the pain. I always mentioned it to whatever doctor or therapist I saw. I had cortisone shots in my knee and more physical therapy, but it continued to get worse. Finally, the swelling was so bad that I could not pull pants up over my knee. I researched and found who was supposed to be the best doctor to deal with knees. He decided to drain the fluid from my swollen knee to provide relief. What he pulled from my knee was not the clear yellow synovial fluid he expected, and he sent me to a general surgeon.

The new surgeon had an MRI done that indicated lots of blood free in my knee. As I told him my history, he stopped me when I said red shag carpet.  He told me that the combination of what the MRI showed and the description I told him of the carpet, he told me that he was almost certain that I had Pigmented Villanodular Synovitis. His surgery confirmed his diagnosis. He said that hopefully that the surgery and some radiation treatment would do much to lessen the symptoms, but he wasn’t sure, and since it could lead to amputation, he sent me to an oncologist.

Fortunately, I had a dear friend who was an oncologist. He also was brilliant and loved to learn new things, so he read everything he could find that had been written on the diagnosis, which didn’t take him long because at that point, not much research has been done. He was, however, able to calculate the amount of radiation I required to deal anything left of what was left of the giant cell tumors that had resided in my knee for so long. I did the radiation, did more physical therapy, and I am much better though I still have pain and am unsteady walking.

Why did I tell you this long story? Because it took me years of reaching out for help with little results.  That often happens to people who are grieving. They most commonly try to deal with grief in isolation, not wanting others to see how broken they feel. Or they don’t feel like talking to anyone else at all. When they do come to a point where they would like to ask for help, they are unsure of where to go, so frequently they delay getting support and suffer more alone.

My advice is to keep searching. Keep asking. Eventually someone will say “I know just who you should see.” Or you will read some books dealing with grief, from self-help type books to fiction that deals with people grieving. And hopefully you will talk to friends who have also dealt or are dealing with loss.

After my first husband to die transitioned, I didn’t try much of anything. In my lonely cocoon, there was no room for someone to join me. I was lonely, but I mostly hid from anyone who could comfort me. I gradually did what my mother would have said by “pulling myself up by my bootstraps.” Though I never was for sure what that meant, I did start to take care of myself anyway I could figure.  When my second husband to die transitioned, things were so different. I had experience to help me. I had learned much about what I didn’t want to do, so I started again.

I wrote much with just me as an audience about how I was feeling and wondering what I could be doing. And I read much, every grief book I could find. And I was finding much that wasn’t helpful, but some that was. Since my writing was helping me, I started teaching my writing techniques to others who were dealing with grief and loss.  The more we talked together, the better we all felt. And I am still teaching people how to write to deal with grief.

And the unexpected gift that came to me in all this process was that I learned that just because I have had much loss in my life doesn’t mean that I have too always be sad. I learned the value of a smile shared with someone, even a stranger.  I learned that it feels good to share conversations and laugh. I learned that I could take good care of myself. And I do.

Learning all this has allowed me to smile again regularly and to reach out to help anyone I can along the way. My intention it to provide comfort support, love, and happiness to anyone I touch who is dealing with grief. I am here to help you.

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

 

Gifts of Love

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I was talking with Dr VJ Raju this morning. He was telling me about the tradition of celebrating the death of a loved one each year after the death. He said for his mother, he plants 100 trees every year.  This gift not only honors here, but it also helps our planet especially now with all the major fires that are destroying trees with devastating effects. This made me think about how important gifts are when honoring someone or demonstrating love.

I always used to send flowers, but when I thought about how soon the flowers die, that seems to me a reminder of the loss of the loved one. I still like to send flowers for happy occasions, but if I send flowers because of a loss, now I send a living plant that will last lots longer.

When Jacques died, we set up a scholarship fund for students to go to the school of arts that we had founded years before. We requested that in lieu of flowers, that donation be made to that fund. So many people told me that they were happy that they could contribute to something that Jacques loved so much and that it benefitted children.

When I published my book, Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief, I realized that it would be a perfect gift for someone dealing with loss, and it does costs lots less than flowers! I addition to that, the book can bring the receiver comfort and support for months or even years. Many people have sone this and let me know how much they appreciated something that they could give that provides comfort and support.

Other thoughtful gifts could be a warm comforter that could be snuggled with accompanied by some tea. A journal is another thoughtful gift maybe with some ideas you write that your friend could use to write about when they are challenged getting started. I have created a set of 52 cards, and I send them to the person I seek to comfort, one each week for a year. I have done this several times and the receivers have told me how much the cards meant to them especially when they feel like people have forgotten what they are dealing with. Another idea would be to put on your schedule contacting this person each week for a year. This could be a phone call, a text, an email, or a card, or any combination of all these things.

Whatever you give for a gift for someone bereaved, by thoughtful, and make it something that will last. Grief doesn’t end after the first weeks, and thoughtful gifts can support for a while.

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Grief and Celebration

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I was talking to my new friend Stavros this morning. He is Greek and grew up in Greece. He shared his first experience of a celebration after death, and said it was such a positive experience.  Everyone was laughing and talking about the fun they had throughout their lives with the dearly departed. Stavros grew up without fear of death because of this early experience.

This reminded me of Dia de los Muertos, a celebration in Mexico where the belief is that the souls of the deceased loved ones return on November 1 of every year where their families and friends can celebrate their lives. This colorful celebration is filled with food and laughter.

When my husband Jacques died, his celebration was at our theatre.  He had loved to sing and act there. His good friend Mike Huey put together a performance based on the play Our Town and filled with music and loving tributes from friends.

My husband Ron died at our home in Maui. Hawaii.  Our friend Shena put together a gathering where friends and family sang, did spoken word, and shared fond memories. This was put facilitated by Kimokea, an honored Hawaiian Kupuna, who dressed in his cultural grab and only spoke Hawaiian for the ceremony. The we all got into canoes and paddled out into the ocean to scatter Ron’s ashes and the flowers that those attending brought from their yards.

As a child, all the funerals I attended were so sad. Lots of black clothing and tears. I always at in the back, away from the open casket that I didn’t want to look into.  I wanted instead to remember my grandmother’s hugs and my grandfather’s caring for me. I am so relieved that as I have reached this point in my life that those around me have been choosing the lightness and joy of tributes, performances, and love for our celebrations now.

How does your culture celebrate the passing of loved ones?  What memories do you have of the celebrations of life you have attended for your loved ones? I am writing some wishes for my celebration, but honestly, my hope is that those whose love me will celebrate in the way they would most like to remember me. What is your hope?

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Going it Alone

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In an online meeting I was attending this morning, we were introducing ourselves, and when I told them about my book, they all wanted to talk about their grief. Most of the group expressed how they hadn’t really dealt with their grief because it was hard for them to talk about. They said things like they didn’t think other people would want to hear about, or they didn’t want to bring other people down, or that they didn’t want to deal with the sadness that comes to them when they do talk about their grief.  They also pointed out that they knew people grieving over losses other than grief.

Right now, it seems like we all are dealing with some form of grief whether it is from the loss of a loved one or the loss of a job, a home, an income, a pet, or anything important to our lives. And most of us just deal with our grief on our own then wonder why we are having a hard time.

When grieving, people tend to withdraw from other people to avoid the sadness, the crushing pain, or the reactions they get when they mention it. Does this sound like you or someone you know? With my own grief, I tended to keep to myself for the first couple of months. I just didn’t want to talk to anyone. And I didn’t want to listen to anyone either. Hearing them talk about anything other than my loss was difficult to deal with.  How could they care about what to fix for dinner or a new purchase they made?

Eventually I got to a point where I did want to talk or listen, but by then I needed to connect with people again. I tried to find groups on social media that I could join and be able to communicate, but I discovered so much sadness. At first, I was replying to every devastating story I read, and in the process, I seemed to be absorbing that sadness. I would stop writing when I was in tears. I realized that doing this wasn’t helping anyone.  The people who were writing the stories just needed to tell their stories and weren’t prepared to listen to a response. I assumed that because I never received a response from anyone I wrote to.

Eventually I decided to find new friends and I created a Meet Up group and invited people to join me to write about what we were grieving.  This worked. Meeting face to face we were all able to share and respond to each other. We all realized how much we needed to share our stories.  By meeting with this new group, I became more comfortable in reaching out to my friends, and they responded. I think they always wanted to but weren’t sure what to say. My reaching out to them broke the ice and we easily fell back into the relationships we had before my loss. And, when they were ready, they talked to me about how the loss affected them, too.

If you feel stuck now, don’t despair. People still love you. New people will love you, too. When you are ready, open your heart and allow people back in.

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.