The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Grief

Bring My Flowers Now

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I enjoyed watching the Grammy Awards last night, though the constant reminders of the death of Kobe Bryant and his daughter kept me thinking about his family. In that context, one song really affected me. Tanya Tucker sang “Bring My Flowers Now” for which she earned her first Grammy 47 years after her first Grammy nomination.  Not only that, but it took her 30 years to write the song.

I related to her lyrics as a read them.  The chorus is:

“Bring my flowers now, while I’m liven’ . . .

Don’t spend time, tears, or money on my old breathless body,

If your heart is in them flowers, bring ‘em on.”

This reminded me of my sweet Jacques who believed I should always have fresh flowers. When they were blooming in our garden, he’d cut them to bring inside. When they weren’t blooming at home, he would bring them from the grocery store, and always from the florist for special occasions. I never doubted his love. I didn’t need the flowers to know that, but I did love how he cared for me.

Love doesn’t have to be demonstrated with flowers. But a constant demonstration of love is a beautiful gift. My daughter always signs any messages with “I love you.” This is a special reminder. And there are so many other ways to demonstrate love.  My neighbor and good friend Dawn brings us servings of delicious food she makes.  Robin meditates with me daily and runs to the grocery store or pharmacy for me when I can’t go myself. Henry gives my son rides since he doesn’t drive, and he’s always available with his truck when we need to haul something big. Kind words from people I work with, and vegetables and fruits that my neighbors share are all signs of love.

I make a point to say what I need to say to those I love while I can. As Tanya says:

“The days are long, but the years are lightning

They’re bright and they will never strike again.

I wish I’d been a better friend, daughter . . . .”

I wonder what people are thinking today that they wish they had told Kobe while they could. An uncertainty we will always have is when it will be too late to express our love. Take this inspiration to express your love, to express your gratitude, and to love yourself. Don’t put it off. In the end, love is all that matters.

 

Listen to Tanya’s song here.

Wabi-Sabi and Grief

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Wabi-Sabi is the Japanese aesthetic of finding the beauty of imperfection.  Grief is like this. There is nothing perfect about grief. Grief goes all over the place with highs and lows and unexpected sharp turns and cliffs. Yet grief also has the beauty of precious memories, the coming together of family and friends, and the peace of relief when we catch our breath.

A roller-coaster is akin to the Wabi-Sabi of grief. While if you step back to look at a roller coaster, it may seem chaotic a messy. Creating a roller coaster actually takes years of thought and effort to design. Things like safety and thrills as well as what makes a new roller coaster bigger, better, and faster are all considered to create a carefully crafted, perfectly operating machine. And when the roller coaster ceases to function, a great deal of work is required to take it apart. The relationship you had with your loved one also took a long time to build and perfect, and it was likely filled with twists and turns and will take a long time and effort to shift when transition comes.

As your relationship grew with your loved one, your path was not always straight. Chances are it ranged from blue skies and butterflies, to passion and deep love, to occasional hick-ups bringing disagreements or resentment, but overall, it was pretty wonderful and definitely had thrills at times, just like that roller coaster.  The last time I was on a roller coaster, I experienced an overwhelming need to stand up right in the middle of the ride and just get off. This all could be included in the experience of grief. There are high and lows. Sometimes it goes so fast that you can’t catch your breath, while other times you can escape into the depths of meditation for a brief period of respite. And you always wish to somehow get off, to have the grief to not be happening or have it be over.

Looking at your grief from the perspective of Wabi-Sabi where you know that grief is not a straight line from point A to point B, will allow you to recognize that all of the experiences are part of a whole, big experience. Each part is a simple part, not the whole thing. If you collapse into tears, the tears will not flow forever. If your feel isolated, the aloneness won’t last forever. Look at each experience as just part of a some-what messy or imperfect Wabi-Sabi whole. Experience the sadness that you need to. Cry the tears that you need to. Spend time alone when you need to. And also remember the joys of the times you spent together. The smile of your loved one. The depths of your love. Eventually the high points and beauty of the experience will be much more and last longer than the low points. You have that to look forward to as you do the rest of your life. Instead of focusing on the negativity of this imperfect part of your life, focus on the beauty of the imperfection.

When I taught basket weaving, some students would come to learn how to make a perfect basket. But I taught my students how to allow the process of responding to the materials being used to allow the basket to become a unique, imperfect work of art. The picture I include here is an example of a basket I wove. Allow your grief to become that work of art that is perfect in its imperfection.

 

Reclaiming Your Joy After Loss

Three Things

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I’ve always been told that things come in threes, and that seems to be so.  When
I woke up this morning at the start of this new decade. I was thinking about what I had done last year that brought me joy, and I thought of three things.  That led me to think about what I am doing right now that brings me joy, and again, three things popped into my mind. So, I thought, what will my three things be for this year? And, you guessed it, three more things!

In 2019, I finished writing the manuscript for my book, Reclaiming Your Joy After Loss.  This project took me about a year to complete and was a major life changing activity for me.  In writing it, I worked through my own grief while discovering how I could help others do the same.  I also took a life changing trip to Bali traveling by myself.  I had several challenges in actually traveling to get there and back, but I handled them all, and I was deeply inspired by Bali: the people, their focus on family, their art, their lack of materialism, the way they worship, and the beauty. And the third thing was teaching 90 online university students using a new course delivery platform. I have taught online since the early 1990’s and love it, but this was my best semester yet.  This showed me how wonderful it is to try new things and find better ways to relate to my students.

My present three things are the joy I have found in opening my home to others by hosting writing workshops, hosting an intention setting circle, hosting a weekly produce share, and hosting parties with my friends to celebrate.  I also have discovered the joy of drawing, something I always thought I couldn’t do.  Now I love to draw. And my third thing is the joy in taking care of myself.  I love to work out with my trainer, take daily walks, do water aerobics at the pool, and eat a healthy vegetarian diet.  Finding new recipes is always fun, and I love to discover yummy vegan recipes.

Recognizing how good my life has been and is, I am now setting my intention for my future. Soon I will find the perfect publisher for my book and be helping thousands of people find ways to bring joy into their lives. I will greatly expand the number of friends I have and serve. And, I am open to new experiences whatever they may be. I don’t necessarily need to know what the experiences will be. I am just ready to go where my heart leads me.

What are your three things?  What was wonderful about 2019? What is wonderful about right now? And what does your future have in store for you?  I encourage you to write all this in your journal.  Writing things down somehow solidifies their truth and reminds you of all the joy you actually have. I’d love to hear what you discover!

 

Click here to sign up for my Writing Through Grief class.

Moments of Grief

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I have a wonderful studio that Ron had built for me when we moved to Maui. He knew I would miss the studio I had on the mainland, so he arranged for a bigger studio to be built here. As wonderful as my studio is, by the time it was completed, I needed to be with Ron most of the time, and even though the studio is on our property, it’s  far enough away from the house so that when time was of the essence when he had medical emergencies, I couldn’t get back up to the house fast enough. So, I didn’t spend much time there.

After Ron’s transition, I just couldn’t bring myself to go to the studio. Now, two years later, I am feeling creative again and have been appreciating what a wonderful gift studio is to me.  I was there a couple of days ago and was suddenly overcome by tears. I realized that it was a profound moment of missing him. When the tears slowed, I was able to complete what I was doing before I came back up to the house, though still a little shaken.

Ron used to spend much time on our lanai, Hawaiian for patio, where he would enjoy the beauty, the birds, the rainbows, and the butterflies that would actually come up and land on him. He told me that there would come a time that when I saw a butterfly or heard the birds or saw a rainbow, that I would know he was right there with me. Also, we got married on 1/1/11, so whenever I see 1111, I feel his presence also.

Since my episode at the studio, I have been a little fragile. I have moments of grief when I see something about someone dying on TV or someone mentions a loved one they are grieving for. But each time something comes up, the birds, the rainbows, or the butterflies or show up. And so does 1111. Yesterday I was talking on the phone with someone from a company who is helping with a big fundraising project I am working on. I am very excited about this project to raise funds for the Jazz Camp Maui my granddaughter has created. When I hung up, I looked at my phone and it was 11:11. Ron loved the idea of this camp, so I knew he is right here supporting my efforts. Think of what special things remind you of your loved one and notice when you see or experience them.

As the holidays are coming, we all are more prone to moments of grief which is perfectly natural as we go through this experience. The key is to stay in the moment and not get lost in the sorrow.  Think of how our loved one would want us to feel. Remember the joy of our love for them. Find little ways to celebrate that joy from writing or calling someone who is alone for the holidays, to volunteering someplace that could really use your help. Discover how wonderful life still is, and how much better it is because of the love you got to share.

 

Sign up for my free class to help you through the holidays.

Do You Need Help?

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I love to help people. I always have ideas I like to share with people when the express something I know I have just what they need. But I am realizing that sometimes they need me to just shut up and listen really paying attention. 

Have you ever been in a situation where there was something heavy on your heart and you just needed to express it? You finally get the perfect opportunity and right when you get to the important part of your story, someone says “Oh, I know how you feel. That happened to me.” Then someone else says, “Me too! This is what you need to do about that.” Then the two of them get into a discussion and there you sit, in limbo. You didn’t get to finish your story, and you feel worse than you did before you started to share.

That happened to me yesterday, only I was the one getting into a discussion with a third person about what the story teller could do about her situation even though we hadn’t heard the whole story. Fortunately, our story teller let us talk a little, and then told us that she didn’t finish and that she wanted to complete expressing herself, and that she wasn’t looking for advice. She just needed to be heard. 

That took my breath away. Here I was trying to help yet did more damage than good. So we became silent and really paid attention while she finished what she needed to say. She took a big breath, and sat in silence. Then she thanked us explaining she just needed to be heard. And we offered no advice. 

I’ve been thinking of this experience. It caused me to ponder what I say and when I say it. I realize that instead of thinking about what I can say in response to what someone is saying, I just need to sit in silence, gently observing the speaker and holding support for her journey. Realizing this has been humbling. I commit to paying more attention now, listening, and allowing someone the opportunity to be heard. 

Of course I am still full of advice, but now I will always think before I speak. 

 

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The Music of Your Heart

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When dealing with loss, we often find ourselves sitting alone. In this space, it is easy to start slipping down into sadness, missing the one we lost.

If I start to arrive at that spot, there are a couple of things I may do. First, in the silence of sitting alone, meditation can bring you peace. In this instance, I become still, close my eyes, and focus on my breath. Really concentrate on your breathing both in and out. Try slowing it down as you focus until you reach a place where you are still and your mind is clear. Maintain this clearness by that focus on your breath. This can bring a great sense of calm.

People have told me that their challenge in meditating comes from that voice in their head trying to convince them that they can’t meditate. Their minds are too busy. If this happens to you, find music that you can focus on to eliminate the space for that annoying voice to bother you. Many apps are available for your phone, or you can search on something like Pandora, Spotify, or Apple Music for music for meditation. I especially like crystal bowls and gongs, and I also love particular Baroque music like Bach’s Air in a G String.

I find such peace and beauty in music that it can calm me down and allow me to rest. I listen when a beautiful, peaceful song is played around me or finds its way into my mind. I feel it as a signal that I need to slow down, focus, and pay attention to what it is trying to tell me.  If it’s Bach, I feel close to Jacques. If it’s a beautiful, slow jazz number, I think of Ron.

I encourage you to put on the music that suits you best, sit, relax, clear your mind, and just experience that blissful peace for a while. You’ll be so glad you did.

 

Check of the meditation music on my YouTube Channel. I can listen to it all day!