Grief

Who Do You Listen To?

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After Ron died, I was drifting, not knowing what I was supposed to do next since I had spent so long tending to his needs and doing all I could to cherish the valuable moments we had left. Only after a close friend of ours died suddenly did I realize that I could help his wife, and in so doing, I helped myself start rising up from the fog I had been slogging through. Helping her helped me find ways to help others in grief. And the more I helped others, the easier I could breathe.

I have worked now for three years to find ways to support people through the private Facebook groups I  lead, the classes I teach on writing through grief, the interviews I do online, the social media I post all of which offer positive support, and the book I have written.  I am not saying this for praise. I do all this out of a commitment I have to help others. While I appreciate when people express gratitude to me, that doesn’t drive me. I feel my life’s work is to support those dealing with loss, something that is needed more every day with all that is going on in our country.

Lately, I have been having people on social media criticizing me for the work that I am doing saying that I should be ashamed of writing what I have online to shamelessly promote my book. I have to say that it has shocked me.  And it didn’t just happen once.  In what I post in my blog and on social media posts, I occasionally mention my book.  I do this so that people who would appreciate what I can say to help them. I read many books when Ron died.  I learned much from them, but what I was looking for was positive ways to deal with what I was experiencing, so that’s what I wrote.

When criticized for something I have been selflessly doing, it hit me hard, and I found myself questioning if I was doing the right thing. In questioning my actions, I realized how important it is for me to stay positive and do the right things for the right reasons. I don’t know why someone would choose to say what they said.  What I do know is that I am here to help. I am here to share my love with you. I am here to offer you support. I am here to brighten your day and your life. I am here for you, and I will continue to do all I can in a variety of ways to help you find each moment the best it can be at that moment.

Thank you so much for reading my words.

Paint Your Blues Away

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Sometimes I can get a bit overwhelmed with all that is happening and then dealing with grief on top of that. When I had a piano or my flute and these feelings came up, I would sit down and practice. I could easily get lost in the music, sometimes for hours, and when I had played long enough, I found myself so refreshed. Listening to music that you deeply enjoy can provide similar results.

Since I don’t have my piano or flute now, I have turned to art.  There is something about creating something artistic, especially when you can get your hands dirty, that takes over your full concentration.  Thrifty person that I am, I used to think I had to have a specific purpose for anything I created, but I have realized now that art takes practice, especially when you are learning something new, and I can take as long as I want to in finding the perfect way to paint a flower, a landscape, or a person. The same thing goes for learning how to best use a medium, like water colors, acrylic paint, ceramic clay, colored pencils, or any other medium that sounds fun.

Start small, practicing how to do things, and develop a tentative plan for what you want to accomplish. I have found some great free classes on YouTube, and other wonderful classes that I have paid for.  I have created art with people from around the world which is like going on an adventure!  There are even specific art classes for people dealing with grief.  I discovered Danica Thurber’s Project grief where she offers a variety of art classes to deal with grieving.  She is a delightful, friendly young woman who exudes energy, talent, and compassion. And her classes are fun even for beginners in art. Check out her web site.  Project Grief Art

Try doing a search on YouTube or Google for free classes for any art medium you are interested in.  You’ll be amazed at what you find. Check out art classes for children because they include great, simple instructions for beginners. I would love for you to share with me good classes you find. Also, you can paste them with a brief description in the comments below so anyone who reads this blog can share.

The picture for this blog is of heirloom carrots that I painted while taking a free online class today with Let’s Make Art

Have fun with this.  Do something just to play. Creating something fun or beautiful is a great way to relieve stress.

Come on Over to the Bright Side!

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When Jacques died, I didn’t see anything as positive.  My world was dark.  Most of those who I thought were my friends were no place to be found. I didn’t have anyone to talk to. And I became really good at feeling sorry for myself. I was not happy living this way.

I had not been working at a paying job for over two years as I stayed home to care for Jacques. I was contemplating what I was supposed to be doing then when someone I used to work with called me and offered me a job. My knee jerk reaction was to decline because I had left the job I had working with her because the workplace environment had become impossible, filled with negativity.  I knew that I never wanted to be surrounded by all that again.  Then she explained to me that there had been a major change essentially dividing the department in two.  She was in the new department, and all those with the negativity were in the old department. She said the new department was a wonderful place to work and invited me to “Come on over to the bright side.”  I did, and I am grateful.

This experience taught me that I could choose where I wanted to be, and I wanted to be surrounded by positive, happy, creative people. It also taught me the importance of me focusing on being positive, happy, and creative, no matter what I was dealing with.  This changed my life.  I worked to lift myself up from the depression of grief I had been dealing with and to find a way in each situation to find what was good and stay positive.

I saw an interview this week of the uncle of Jacob Blake, the man who had been shot in the back seven times by a police officer. Jacob’s uncle said his family was “on top of the world.” He said they we so happy because they weren’t going to a funeral. Then I heard a reporter who had a phone interview with Jacob who was in his hospital bed. Jacob said he was grateful to be alive and that he wouldn’t let this incident bring him down. I was struck by the positivity of this family.  I felt that no matter how challenging things became for them, they would get through it together focusing on what is good and positive.

This reminded me of seeing a video of George Floyd’s little daughter sitting on his shoulders, both of them smiling and laughing. George was killed by the police which started enormous demonstrations across our country which are still going on focusing on the reform of law enforcement. And what George’s little daughter said was “My Daddy changed the world.”

Each of us can change the world starting with focusing on the positive.  There is so much good in our lives. I start every day with writing a list of what I am grateful for in my journal. I have filled several journals since I started doing this, and I am amazed at all the things I am grateful for, and I never run out of positive things to say. I also write in my journal every day, and I focus there on making everything positive.  Can you imagine how wonderful our country could be if everyone started focusing on what is good about it? Focusing on the love we all can share?

 

I am focusing on finding what is positive about every situation, spreading love and joy. I invite you to join me in this campaign. Come on over to the bright side!

Pain is Essential to Healing

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I just finished reading Ibram X. Kendi’s book: How to be and Antiracist, such a powerful book helping me to put into perspective what is happening in our country today. The book is filled with humanness and things to think about. And he puts in the perspective of the fragility of life.

Kendi’s wife and Kendi himself both experienced cancer in the early times of their marriage. His was Stage 4 colon cancer. After losing Chadwick Boseman to colon cancer last week, I immediately thought, Oh no! We can’t lose another brilliant mind right now while we are in the middle of this, especially since his writing is helping us to understand and learn what we need to so that we can deal with the issue of racism. I was relieved to read that Kendi was in that very small minority of people who survived Stage 4 colon cancer.

In relating his story in the book, I was struck by his sentence: “Pain is essential to healing.” Those of us who have suffered loss go through the process of learning this lesson. We have felt the depth of despair that follows loss. And for many of us, dragging ourselves up from those depths can be seemingly impossible. Yet ultimately, we find our way to the new people we become. The deeper our pain, the more profound our change becomes.

The way I dealt with that upward journey was to focus on learning what I was to do next. Last week I wrote in my blog about discovering my purpose and how that became my focus in healing. Ironically, just after I published my blog, I saw a clip of the speech that Chadwick Boseman made to the graduating class at his alma mater, Howard University. His message was for the graduates to focus on their purpose. Watching that made me feel like he was giving me a reminder that I am on the right track.

Feeling that our lives have no purpose when we are dealing with loss is a common reaction. Recognizing that this is happening is the first step to dealing with it. When you feel that deep pain, take some time to explore it. What hurts? How does it hurt? Are you clinging to that pain? Are you ready to release it? Try making friends with your pain. Acknowledge your pain, respect it, and ask it what it wants from your experience with it. I encourage you to journal about this and see what you discover.

I found that my pain was all encompassing, affecting every aspect of my life. And I discovered that it had served its purpose ,and that I didn’t need it to hold me down like an anchor, forever impeding me from moving forward.  When I recognized this, I thanked the pain for the part it played in the process of my grief, and I released it with love. This process brought a tremendous relief. Although I knew I wasn’t finished with grief, I also knew that I no longer would be held down by it. I could now look at my life and find what I wanted to do next.

I encourage up to deal with your pain and discover its lessons.

 

Click here if you would like a preview of my new book, Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief.

Use It Or–

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Yesterday I drove down past the airport (wonderful to get out of the house for a moment even though I was just in my car), and I noticed there were cars parked everywhere. The cars were parked bumper to bumper and side to side and were covered with dust.  I imagine they had been there quite a while, probably since March when everything shut down. I am amazed at how many rental cars there are on Maui! And with no tourists on the island, the cares just sit there. The cars in this picture are in the dirt next to the Costco parking lot.

Ron had a Saturn Outlook that he just loved. It’s a really big car, so I don’t really like to drive it. I tried to drive it every once in a while, or loan it to a friend, but I didn’t do it often enough and I had to replace the battery, twice. I have finally come to terms that I don’t have to keep it just because it was Ron’s, so I am selling it to a friend. When I saw these cars yesterday, I wondered if any of them are going to start when the time comes that tourists can come back to the island of Maui.

I’ve always heard that if you don’t use something, you lose it.  That certainly happened to me when I didn’t drive Ron’s car. And I notice that it’s harder to get up and moving if I have only been sitting for a long while. Our bodies are meant to be used, as are our minds. When grieving, lots of times it is easier to sit, to stay home, to veg out on television, and a certain amount of this is fine. But in grieving, it is easy to get used to sitting in the same chair, binge watching a television show that doesn’t mean anything to us and allow our precious time to slip through our fingers.

Where are you in life right now? What do you want to do or accomplish this week, this year, this lifetime? Take some time to explore this. I know with both Ron and Jacques, though I knew they were ill, it seemed like they would always be there; then they weren’t. What recognizing this taught me is to leave nothing unsaid, unexperienced, or undone that I aimed to do before I couldn’t anymore. Because of this, I now do whatever I desire. My friends and I often say, “I love you.” I know none of them will wonder about my feelings for them when I am not here to tell them.  If I want Ben and Jerry’s Chunkie Monkey, I savor every bite.  If I want to take a class or write a book, I do just that.

I live each moment as if it were my only moment with no regrets.  I encourage you to do that, too. If you don’t do it, you may not get to.  Live full out with positivity, love, and joy!

Can grief break your heart?

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Grief actually does have physical effects on your body which can be severe. Have you had your heart race through the night leaving you exhausted when you wake in the morning? Has your whole body ached? Do you barely have enough energy to get around? Have you had unexplained headaches? Has eating become a challenge, or does just the thought of eating make you nauseas? Is your blood pressure high? All of these symptoms are common especially in early grief.

Studies have shown physical reactions your body can have to grief, each of them causing lots of symptoms. Inflammation is your body’s attempt to dealing with things that harm it. When your body gets inflamed during grief, it can worsen health issues you are already dealing with or it can cause new ones.  This inflammation can affect your immune system which can lead to infections. You may develop high blood pressure or a racing pulse. All of these issues require medical attention. They may lead to PTSD, which my doctor told me I was dealing with. Or they may lead to something called Broken Heart Syndrome where intense stress leads to your heart becoming physically weak.

The message here is to take care of yourself. Here are a few things you can do.

  • Eat wisely. I know eating may be the last thing on your mind, but your body needs the strength and energy food provides. For me, I had a really hard time eating at all and lost much weight after each husband died. This led to low energy. I have also known many widows who gained lots of weight, using food as a comfort. This also doesn’t you’re your energy level and can lead to many other physical problems. The key here is good choices both in what you eat and the amount of what you eat.
  • Move your body. Exercise is likely to be the last thing on your mind, but just sitting can be deadly. Do something you really like. Walking, swimming, dancing, and running are all good. As is yoga, Tai Chi, and Qigong. There are lots of good videos online that you can watch and move along with.
  • Sleep can be tricky in grief. Often you either want to not stop sleeping or get out of bed, or you can’t seem to fall asleep no matter what you do. Figure out what works best for you and aim for 8 hours of sleep for every 24. I couldn’t sleep for a long while after Jacques died and finally got a prescription from my doctor. I ended up taking it way too long, not realizing that was a problem. Stopping taking it was hard at that point, but I did. Please be careful if you do try taking something. And be sure to be clear with your doctor how long you should take it.
  • Talk to someone. And talk about whatever you want to whether it be the story of your loved one’s transition or the flowers in your garden. Talking can be hard, but it can help so much to get things out instead of bottling them up inside. If you don’t feel like talking to a person, write. Write and email, text, or letter. Or write in your journal. Expressing what you are feeling helps take the pressure off. And don’t hesitate to go to a counselor if you feel you want to. Or you can join a grief group like the private ones I offer online where you can meet new friends virtually.

Amy Davis offers this great advice: “Lean into it. You only get to grieve your loved one once. Don’t spend the whole time trying to distract yourself or push it down. It does go away eventually, and you will miss feeling that connected to that person again. And if you feel like your whole life has fallen apart, that’s fine! It totally has. Now you get to decide how to put yourself back together. Be creative. There’s new life to be lived all around you.”

As I always say, live in the moment. Focus only on what you are dealing with in any moment. And be sure to love yourself in the process.