The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Grief

Pain is Essential to Healing

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I just finished reading Ibram X. Kendi’s book: How to be and Antiracist, such a powerful book helping me to put into perspective what is happening in our country today. The book is filled with humanness and things to think about. And he puts in the perspective of the fragility of life.

Kendi’s wife and Kendi himself both experienced cancer in the early times of their marriage. His was Stage 4 colon cancer. After losing Chadwick Boseman to colon cancer last week, I immediately thought, Oh no! We can’t lose another brilliant mind right now while we are in the middle of this, especially since his writing is helping us to understand and learn what we need to so that we can deal with the issue of racism. I was relieved to read that Kendi was in that very small minority of people who survived Stage 4 colon cancer.

In relating his story in the book, I was struck by his sentence: “Pain is essential to healing.” Those of us who have suffered loss go through the process of learning this lesson. We have felt the depth of despair that follows loss. And for many of us, dragging ourselves up from those depths can be seemingly impossible. Yet ultimately, we find our way to the new people we become. The deeper our pain, the more profound our change becomes.

The way I dealt with that upward journey was to focus on learning what I was to do next. Last week I wrote in my blog about discovering my purpose and how that became my focus in healing. Ironically, just after I published my blog, I saw a clip of the speech that Chadwick Boseman made to the graduating class at his alma mater, Howard University. His message was for the graduates to focus on their purpose. Watching that made me feel like he was giving me a reminder that I am on the right track.

Feeling that our lives have no purpose when we are dealing with loss is a common reaction. Recognizing that this is happening is the first step to dealing with it. When you feel that deep pain, take some time to explore it. What hurts? How does it hurt? Are you clinging to that pain? Are you ready to release it? Try making friends with your pain. Acknowledge your pain, respect it, and ask it what it wants from your experience with it. I encourage you to journal about this and see what you discover.

I found that my pain was all encompassing, affecting every aspect of my life. And I discovered that it had served its purpose ,and that I didn’t need it to hold me down like an anchor, forever impeding me from moving forward.  When I recognized this, I thanked the pain for the part it played in the process of my grief, and I released it with love. This process brought a tremendous relief. Although I knew I wasn’t finished with grief, I also knew that I no longer would be held down by it. I could now look at my life and find what I wanted to do next.

I encourage up to deal with your pain and discover its lessons.

 

Click here if you would like a preview of my new book, Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief.

Use It Or–

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Yesterday I drove down past the airport (wonderful to get out of the house for a moment even though I was just in my car), and I noticed there were cars parked everywhere. The cars were parked bumper to bumper and side to side and were covered with dust.  I imagine they had been there quite a while, probably since March when everything shut down. I am amazed at how many rental cars there are on Maui! And with no tourists on the island, the cares just sit there. The cars in this picture are in the dirt next to the Costco parking lot.

Ron had a Saturn Outlook that he just loved. It’s a really big car, so I don’t really like to drive it. I tried to drive it every once in a while, or loan it to a friend, but I didn’t do it often enough and I had to replace the battery, twice. I have finally come to terms that I don’t have to keep it just because it was Ron’s, so I am selling it to a friend. When I saw these cars yesterday, I wondered if any of them are going to start when the time comes that tourists can come back to the island of Maui.

I’ve always heard that if you don’t use something, you lose it.  That certainly happened to me when I didn’t drive Ron’s car. And I notice that it’s harder to get up and moving if I have only been sitting for a long while. Our bodies are meant to be used, as are our minds. When grieving, lots of times it is easier to sit, to stay home, to veg out on television, and a certain amount of this is fine. But in grieving, it is easy to get used to sitting in the same chair, binge watching a television show that doesn’t mean anything to us and allow our precious time to slip through our fingers.

Where are you in life right now? What do you want to do or accomplish this week, this year, this lifetime? Take some time to explore this. I know with both Ron and Jacques, though I knew they were ill, it seemed like they would always be there; then they weren’t. What recognizing this taught me is to leave nothing unsaid, unexperienced, or undone that I aimed to do before I couldn’t anymore. Because of this, I now do whatever I desire. My friends and I often say, “I love you.” I know none of them will wonder about my feelings for them when I am not here to tell them.  If I want Ben and Jerry’s Chunkie Monkey, I savor every bite.  If I want to take a class or write a book, I do just that.

I live each moment as if it were my only moment with no regrets.  I encourage you to do that, too. If you don’t do it, you may not get to.  Live full out with positivity, love, and joy!

Can grief break your heart?

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Grief actually does have physical effects on your body which can be severe. Have you had your heart race through the night leaving you exhausted when you wake in the morning? Has your whole body ached? Do you barely have enough energy to get around? Have you had unexplained headaches? Has eating become a challenge, or does just the thought of eating make you nauseas? Is your blood pressure high? All of these symptoms are common especially in early grief.

Studies have shown physical reactions your body can have to grief, each of them causing lots of symptoms. Inflammation is your body’s attempt to dealing with things that harm it. When your body gets inflamed during grief, it can worsen health issues you are already dealing with or it can cause new ones.  This inflammation can affect your immune system which can lead to infections. You may develop high blood pressure or a racing pulse. All of these issues require medical attention. They may lead to PTSD, which my doctor told me I was dealing with. Or they may lead to something called Broken Heart Syndrome where intense stress leads to your heart becoming physically weak.

The message here is to take care of yourself. Here are a few things you can do.

  • Eat wisely. I know eating may be the last thing on your mind, but your body needs the strength and energy food provides. For me, I had a really hard time eating at all and lost much weight after each husband died. This led to low energy. I have also known many widows who gained lots of weight, using food as a comfort. This also doesn’t you’re your energy level and can lead to many other physical problems. The key here is good choices both in what you eat and the amount of what you eat.
  • Move your body. Exercise is likely to be the last thing on your mind, but just sitting can be deadly. Do something you really like. Walking, swimming, dancing, and running are all good. As is yoga, Tai Chi, and Qigong. There are lots of good videos online that you can watch and move along with.
  • Sleep can be tricky in grief. Often you either want to not stop sleeping or get out of bed, or you can’t seem to fall asleep no matter what you do. Figure out what works best for you and aim for 8 hours of sleep for every 24. I couldn’t sleep for a long while after Jacques died and finally got a prescription from my doctor. I ended up taking it way too long, not realizing that was a problem. Stopping taking it was hard at that point, but I did. Please be careful if you do try taking something. And be sure to be clear with your doctor how long you should take it.
  • Talk to someone. And talk about whatever you want to whether it be the story of your loved one’s transition or the flowers in your garden. Talking can be hard, but it can help so much to get things out instead of bottling them up inside. If you don’t feel like talking to a person, write. Write and email, text, or letter. Or write in your journal. Expressing what you are feeling helps take the pressure off. And don’t hesitate to go to a counselor if you feel you want to. Or you can join a grief group like the private ones I offer online where you can meet new friends virtually.

Amy Davis offers this great advice: “Lean into it. You only get to grieve your loved one once. Don’t spend the whole time trying to distract yourself or push it down. It does go away eventually, and you will miss feeling that connected to that person again. And if you feel like your whole life has fallen apart, that’s fine! It totally has. Now you get to decide how to put yourself back together. Be creative. There’s new life to be lived all around you.”

As I always say, live in the moment. Focus only on what you are dealing with in any moment. And be sure to love yourself in the process.

Acknowledge Your Feelings

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When dealing with loss, we are bombarded by feelings. Some of those feelings, like remembering love and moments of joy, can bring comfort, while others can drag us down to the depths of despair. When those feeling hit, you may fall into the abyss of suffering, unable to rise up from the mire. You have a choice of how to deal with these feelings.  You can fall into that deep hole and suffer, but you know that suffering doesn’t serve you, or you can recognize what is happening and deal with it constructively.

I found that when times like this hit, that the best thing for me to do was get out my journal and write. One way writing helped was to write a letter, which could be to my loved one, to God, to someone who brought up the feeling to me, and tell whoever I write to what I am experiencing right then and how I felt about it. One thing I dealt with was my anger at how Ron’s nephrologists handled his care. I felt that what they had done caused him great physical suffering and ultimately his death. This was a big burden to carry around.

I started dealing with this by writing to Ron, asking what he would want me to do. After more than one long letter to him exploring my feeling about this, I realised I was ready to write the nephrologists, and I did.  And I wrote the place where the dialysis was administered, and the company who manufactured the dialysis solutions, and the hospital. I was able to tell them objectively what we had experienced and the changes I saw that they needed to make. I heard back from all of them, and though I don’t know if they actually made any changes, I was able to release the anger because I felt I had done all I could under the circumstances. Think about who you could write that could make a difference in how you are feeling.

Another way to write to help you deal with your feelings is to first identify the feelings you are dealing with. Make a list which might include things like anger, loneliness, loss, guilt, and depression. Include any feelings that you are dealing with right now. Next, identify the feeling that is bothering you’re the most right now. Then, have a conversation with that feeling as if it is a person. Tell that person exactly how you are feeling including all the details. Then ask either what that feeling thinks you can do about it, or tell it what you plan to do to deal with it. Be sure to allow that feeling to respond to you through your writing. Don’t think about your writing. Just let it flow. You will be amazed at what shows up on paper.

Using these writing techniques, you can discover what your heart already knows, and you can see what you need to do to heal. This kind of writing allows you to take the very best care of yourself so that you can focus more clearly on the present moment and discover the beauty, peace, joy, and love that is always there.

 

Join my Facebook group to follow the progress toward the publishing of my book Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by Mango Press.

Pain is Inevitable, Suffering is Optional

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When grieving, we all feel pain. We can recognize it and deal with it constructively, or we can melt into the deep abyss of suffering, unable to rise up from the mire. The good news is, you have choice in this matter. You can choose to survive and thrive.

Compare the loss of a loved one by death to the birth of a baby. In labor, the contractions start slowly, giving your body time to adjust. As the pains come more frequently, they are more intense. Finally when the pains are so close together and so strong, relief comes in pushing hard till the release of the baby sliding into the world.

Death is the opposite it birth, a similar process but reversed. The loss starts with incredible pain that’s deep and hard and seemingly eternal. Yet soon, you can take a breath. And in those breaths you find moments of peace. Grief alternates like those labor pains. The further away you get from the actual transition, the further apart are the waves of pain.

The key here is what you do in the in between, those times when you may feel empty or deeply sad. Sometimes it may feel like you are in a fog and things don’t feel quite real. Recognize these times as a place to heal. But how can you do that?

Journaling through this journey helped me more than anything else. If you feel that you are suffering, write about that. What does your suffering look like? If suffering was a person, what would you say to him/her? Tell it how you feel. Ask it what it wants from you? When you tire of the conversation, you can tell it that you no longer want to visit with them and politely say goodbye. Although suffering may still come to your door on occasion, you have the strength to not open it.

You can do this exercise in your journal with any feeling that comes up. You may feel anger, rage, depression. Or any other emotion. When you recognize that an emotion is directing your thoughts and actions, get out your journal and work on it in writing. And if the emotion try’s to visit you again, just say to it, “Sorry I can’t deal with you right now. I have plans to spend time with love and joy instead.”

Even when you feel weak and out of control, remember that ultimately, you are in charge of your life. Make the conscious choice to take the best care or yourself, to live your very best life. Ron told me once when I had said “I’m sorry” too many times in one day, “Do you think I want to be with a sorry woman?” That caused me to pay attention to what I was doing. What you speak is who you are. So when suffering comes to visit and you turn it away, in your journal, write a list of who you are. Start each item if you list with “I am.” I am strong. I am beautiful. I am joyful. I am hope. I am love. I am sure you can list many more things about the perfect person you really are.

You can rise up from that mire of suffering. You can live that beautiful inspiring like you long for. Take good care of your precious self.

I am always here for you.

 

How Long Does Grief Last?

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Grief has no finish line. No measuring tapes are involved. Grief is as individual as breathing.

Early grief is all encompassing. We sometimes feel we are drowning in grief. Every breath is a struggle. Sleep is our reprieve.

Then miraculously and often unnoticed, each breath is a little easier. We can’t anticipate when this will happen. Yet it does. Our body starts to crave easy air, and we breathe a little deeper.

Our stoic expression feels like it will crack if we speak or try to smile, then one day a friend says the sweetest thing, and our lips turn up slightly, and we realize that feels good.

Our heads have been feeling filled with dark clouds heavy with the rain of tears. Slowly the clouds lighten and then a golden ray of sun peaks through.

As this all progresses, we are not likely to notice, then one day we realize our breathing is easy and we haven’t been noticing the air entering and leaving our bodies.

We stretch, energizing our muscles, feeling the tingling in our hands and feet, knowing we are ready to move.

As we walk outside, we discover that the trees still sway, the flowers still bloom, the birds still sing. Our absence hasn’t been noticed by the world around us.

Our strength begins to return. We realize a desire to experience beauty, conversation, food, movement.

At times our tears break through and we experience great longing, yet those times become further apart.

We reflect on the detailed memories we have of times well spent with our loved ones, of love expressed, of comfort felt.

We slip into our new normal, whatever that is, not forgetting our loved one, cherishing our memories, and discovering the peace and joy in the rest of the moments of our lives.

Grief is never over, just assimilated into our lives granting us the richness that comes from experiencing the depths of our love.

 

Join my Facebook Group to follow the progress on the publication of my book Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief