Grief

Acknowledge Your Feelings

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When dealing with loss, we are bombarded by feelings. Some of those feelings, like remembering love and moments of joy, can bring comfort, while others can drag us down to the depths of despair. When those feeling hit, you may fall into the abyss of suffering, unable to rise up from the mire. You have a choice of how to deal with these feelings.  You can fall into that deep hole and suffer, but you know that suffering doesn’t serve you, or you can recognize what is happening and deal with it constructively.

I found that when times like this hit, that the best thing for me to do was get out my journal and write. One way writing helped was to write a letter, which could be to my loved one, to God, to someone who brought up the feeling to me, and tell whoever I write to what I am experiencing right then and how I felt about it. One thing I dealt with was my anger at how Ron’s nephrologists handled his care. I felt that what they had done caused him great physical suffering and ultimately his death. This was a big burden to carry around.

I started dealing with this by writing to Ron, asking what he would want me to do. After more than one long letter to him exploring my feeling about this, I realised I was ready to write the nephrologists, and I did.  And I wrote the place where the dialysis was administered, and the company who manufactured the dialysis solutions, and the hospital. I was able to tell them objectively what we had experienced and the changes I saw that they needed to make. I heard back from all of them, and though I don’t know if they actually made any changes, I was able to release the anger because I felt I had done all I could under the circumstances. Think about who you could write that could make a difference in how you are feeling.

Another way to write to help you deal with your feelings is to first identify the feelings you are dealing with. Make a list which might include things like anger, loneliness, loss, guilt, and depression. Include any feelings that you are dealing with right now. Next, identify the feeling that is bothering you’re the most right now. Then, have a conversation with that feeling as if it is a person. Tell that person exactly how you are feeling including all the details. Then ask either what that feeling thinks you can do about it, or tell it what you plan to do to deal with it. Be sure to allow that feeling to respond to you through your writing. Don’t think about your writing. Just let it flow. You will be amazed at what shows up on paper.

Using these writing techniques, you can discover what your heart already knows, and you can see what you need to do to heal. This kind of writing allows you to take the very best care of yourself so that you can focus more clearly on the present moment and discover the beauty, peace, joy, and love that is always there.

 

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Pain is Inevitable, Suffering is Optional

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When grieving, we all feel pain. We can recognize it and deal with it constructively, or we can melt into the deep abyss of suffering, unable to rise up from the mire. The good news is, you have choice in this matter. You can choose to survive and thrive.

Compare the loss of a loved one by death to the birth of a baby. In labor, the contractions start slowly, giving your body time to adjust. As the pains come more frequently, they are more intense. Finally when the pains are so close together and so strong, relief comes in pushing hard till the release of the baby sliding into the world.

Death is the opposite it birth, a similar process but reversed. The loss starts with incredible pain that’s deep and hard and seemingly eternal. Yet soon, you can take a breath. And in those breaths you find moments of peace. Grief alternates like those labor pains. The further away you get from the actual transition, the further apart are the waves of pain.

The key here is what you do in the in between, those times when you may feel empty or deeply sad. Sometimes it may feel like you are in a fog and things don’t feel quite real. Recognize these times as a place to heal. But how can you do that?

Journaling through this journey helped me more than anything else. If you feel that you are suffering, write about that. What does your suffering look like? If suffering was a person, what would you say to him/her? Tell it how you feel. Ask it what it wants from you? When you tire of the conversation, you can tell it that you no longer want to visit with them and politely say goodbye. Although suffering may still come to your door on occasion, you have the strength to not open it.

You can do this exercise in your journal with any feeling that comes up. You may feel anger, rage, depression. Or any other emotion. When you recognize that an emotion is directing your thoughts and actions, get out your journal and work on it in writing. And if the emotion try’s to visit you again, just say to it, “Sorry I can’t deal with you right now. I have plans to spend time with love and joy instead.”

Even when you feel weak and out of control, remember that ultimately, you are in charge of your life. Make the conscious choice to take the best care or yourself, to live your very best life. Ron told me once when I had said “I’m sorry” too many times in one day, “Do you think I want to be with a sorry woman?” That caused me to pay attention to what I was doing. What you speak is who you are. So when suffering comes to visit and you turn it away, in your journal, write a list of who you are. Start each item if you list with “I am.” I am strong. I am beautiful. I am joyful. I am hope. I am love. I am sure you can list many more things about the perfect person you really are.

You can rise up from that mire of suffering. You can live that beautiful inspiring like you long for. Take good care of your precious self.

I am always here for you.

 

How Long Does Grief Last?

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Grief has no finish line. No measuring tapes are involved. Grief is as individual as breathing.

Early grief is all encompassing. We sometimes feel we are drowning in grief. Every breath is a struggle. Sleep is our reprieve.

Then miraculously and often unnoticed, each breath is a little easier. We can’t anticipate when this will happen. Yet it does. Our body starts to crave easy air, and we breathe a little deeper.

Our stoic expression feels like it will crack if we speak or try to smile, then one day a friend says the sweetest thing, and our lips turn up slightly, and we realize that feels good.

Our heads have been feeling filled with dark clouds heavy with the rain of tears. Slowly the clouds lighten and then a golden ray of sun peaks through.

As this all progresses, we are not likely to notice, then one day we realize our breathing is easy and we haven’t been noticing the air entering and leaving our bodies.

We stretch, energizing our muscles, feeling the tingling in our hands and feet, knowing we are ready to move.

As we walk outside, we discover that the trees still sway, the flowers still bloom, the birds still sing. Our absence hasn’t been noticed by the world around us.

Our strength begins to return. We realize a desire to experience beauty, conversation, food, movement.

At times our tears break through and we experience great longing, yet those times become further apart.

We reflect on the detailed memories we have of times well spent with our loved ones, of love expressed, of comfort felt.

We slip into our new normal, whatever that is, not forgetting our loved one, cherishing our memories, and discovering the peace and joy in the rest of the moments of our lives.

Grief is never over, just assimilated into our lives granting us the richness that comes from experiencing the depths of our love.

 

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Anticipatory Grief: The In Between

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Everything seems to be up in the air. Each morning when I wake up, I question what will happen now.  Questions fill my thoughts about all the people getting sick and maybe dying in the pandemic, people demonstrating because of people dying at the hands of the law enforcement who is supposed to protect us, and people dying who do not have access to adequate medical care because of the pandemic. And on top of that, the people I know who are dying right now are because of cancer. In all these instances, we as a culture right now are dealing with Anticipatory Grief. What does that mean, and what can we do?

Anticipatory grief comes before a death or a great loss. When you discover that someone you love has been given a terminal diagnosis, that anticipatory grief starts right then. Anticipatory grief can also occur when you just think of something that may happen. My dear Black friend who has four sons has bouts of anticipatory grief when she just hears about George Floyd or Elijah McClain or Rayshard Brooks, or way too many more Black men killed by police. Or it may happen when you look in your elderly mother’s eyes and you wonder how much longer she will be with you.

When you deal with anticipatory grief, you are likely to have a constantly shifting range of feelings which keep you off balance so that you never quite know what is actually happening. Before Ron died, he lost 37 pounds in one week and became very weak, yet when I looked at him, I saw the handsome strong man I had always loved.  I was shocked later when I saw a picture of him taken at that time which showed a weak, emaciated man, not my Ron. We tend to see what our hearts want to see. I dealt with my anticipatory grief by staying so busy with his care that I didn’t allow myself to think that soon I would no longer have those tasks to keep me busy. I vacillated between holding on and letting go.

One thing that is certain is that more grief will enter your life. The experience you are having now may help you prepare for it, or it may have the opposite effect of terrifying you at the thought of having that experience again. Recognizing when grief may be coming can allow you to start deal with it before the situation is acute. The most important two things to deal with at this time are spending the best quality time possible with your loved one and take the best possible care of you.

Ron and I did very well by always focusing on the present moment. We would talk or meditate or just sit together.  He was given a book for his birthday a month before he died. He really wanted to read it, but his eyes just didn’t work very well, so I read the whole book to him. That time together was so precious. Take time to say everything you want to say, ask everything you want to know, forgive anything that is left hanging, and be sure you know your loved one’s wishes about everything important.

Take very good care of your physical and emotional health. Seek out others in similar situations and hear their stories. Often, we think we are the only one to experience something like this and that no one understands how we feel, yet that’s not the truth. Your experience is unique to you, but there are lots of people out there with similar experiences you can learn from. Join Facebook Groups or Death Cafes or support groups. Read good books or blogs. Be sure to bathe. I remember one time Ron insisted that I take a shower. I was shocked at the moment, then realized that I really did need to. That I needed to pay attention to me. I also would forget to eat, and I had two bad falls that slowed me down because I was just moving too fast. Take a deep, hard look at yourself and discover what is most important to you and focus on that.

You also can help others whom you see entering this territory. Just letting someone know that they have your support and that you are looking out for them can give them so much comfort.

Together we form a family of love, care, and support for each other. In these shifting times, let us focus together on how we ca help more, give more, learn more, and love more. I love you, my friend.

My Mother’s Grief

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My Mom and Dad were married for 54 years. They were 18 when they got married in a small California town during the Depression. They spent their time together until Daddy got drafted into World War II.  When he came home, they were closer than ever. They spent years together active in the Veterans of Foreign Wars, including Daddy being in leadership in the State of California including being State Commander. This required visits all over California, and they drove everywhere they went. On so many long trips, they saw many accidents on the road, and Mom would report them to me in detail, always saying that she knew that she and Daddy would someday be in one of those accidents and die together on the road. I hated when she said that, but I knew that she said it out of deep love. She couldn’t imagine living without him.

On the Sunday before Veteran’s Day in 1989, Daddy was the keynote speaker at the big community event held annually to honor all the Veterans from our town. Much beloved, he had a warm reception to his talk. The next evening, Mom called to say Daddy had been taken to the hospital. She wasn’t sure what was wrong, but they told her to go home and get some rest and to visit him in the morning.  I assured her that I would join her in the morning as I lived an hour away.  An hour later, she called to tell me that he had died.

I don’t think we are ever really ready for a death, but when it comes so suddenly, it is a shock. The rest of the week what a big celebration of his life and service. Porterville always has had a tradition of patriotism which included a huge parade and Band-o-Rama on Veterans day every year.  Mom and Dad had been in charge of that parade for many years. This year, the parade was done in Daddy’s honor. They had a beautiful old convertible with a black wreath at the start of the parade representing him not being there for the first time in so many years. Then he was honored again at the Band-O-Rama as the town’s best loved veteran.

Mom held up well during that week, or so we thought.  As I reflect, she hardly spoke at all, and I didn’t see her crying.  I went with her to make the funeral arrangements, and she was pretty silent there, too, so I did most of the talking.  The service was amazing. I have never seen so many people at a service. They had taps and a 21-gun salute at the graveside, and Mom was silent.

I had to leave at the end of the week.  I hated leaving her alone, but I had to go back to work and my family.  We stayed in touch and I stepped in to help with the Ambulance business she and Daddy owned together. She still didn’t talk much. She did play bridge every week with the same group she had played with since they all first got married. And she went to church sometimes. But I knew she spent much time alone. My daughter wanted a picture of the three of us taken for her birthday, and when I saw the proofs of all the shots from the photo studio, I realized that mom wasn’t smiling. And I also realized she hadn’t smiled at all since Daddy died.

Five years after Daddy’s death, I got a call that mom had been taken to the hospital. She had spent Thanksgiving with us and drove an hour to go home a couple of days later.  We had been shopping and she bought a new electric blanket. After she got home, she tried to put the blanket on her bed that Sunday evening and fell. This was before the time of cell phones and medical alerts. When she didn’t show up for bridge, her friends called her company and they went to check on here and found her on the floor badly dehydrated. Nothing was broken, but she just didn’t have the will to get up.

When she recovered enough to go home, I told her she had a choice to make. She could stay in her home with someone to stay with her all the time. She could stay with me. Or we could find a place for her at a facility for elders. She decided to come home with me. I enjoyed having her with me. We were able to have good talks sometimes. And she loved my husband who could get her to smile. And my daughter could get her to smile on occasion too. Then we discovered that she had an inoperable brain tumor. And because her doctor told me the diagnosis on the phone on his way to his vacation, I had to tell her. We held each other and cried a long time.

Then a miracle happened. Her smile came back on a regular basis. And she laughed. Jacques could get her laughing easily every day. He loved to laugh and she laughed with him. Then she decided that it was time for her to move back home. I arranged for people to stay with her and drove to see her and take care of things a few times a week. She finally was at peace because she knew the time was short until as she believed, she would be with Daddy and her mother again.

Reflecting now, I wish I could have done something more to bring her joy. She had visits from her minister and friends and her sister, but she just wasn’t happy living without Daddy. She is a big part of my inspiration to do the work I do now, helping others to deal with their grief in a way that will lead them to find joy and happiness in their lives. If you see yourself in my mother, please reach out. Know that you can have peace and joy in your life again. And if you see yourself in me as I dealt with my mother, do something about it.  I realize now that I was not dealing with my own grief and become tangled in the overwhelming busyness of trying to take care of everyone else. Spend time with loved ones. Find things to do that bring you joy. And most of all, take care of and love yourself.

Coincidence?

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Do you sometimes have an intense yearning to be with your loved one? I know I do. I’ve been wanting to be able to talk to him about all the results of the pandemic, just to hear his voice and his wisdom.  Before I go to sleep at night, I think about him hoping he’ll be in my dreams, but that’s only happened a couple of times.  Last week, my mind kept drifting back to him. Then, as I was watching television, our song came on as part of the show.

I remember the night when we discovered our song.  Be had been talking in bed, about to go to sleep, when he suddenly remembered he had something he wanted me to listen to. He retrieved his tape recorder (that’s how long ago it was!) and played for me Stevie Wonder’s song “As.”  Listening to the words together, we both knew it was our song. I always smile and feel good when I hear it, and the words will run through my mind for days.

The next night, a friend of ours who is intuitive texted me.  I hadn’t heard from her in a very long time. She said she had a message for me from Ron that everything was all right. Interesting, because she couldn’t have known that I had been saying and writing “all is well” for days, and I thought nobody knew that but me. The next night I was watching a different show on television, and there it was again. They were playing “As” as part of the show.

Another friend of ours who is a psychic called.  Now, I don’t have very many friends who identify as being intuitive or psychic, and I hadn’t talked to this friend in probably a year. She said that Ron is watching over me right now and knowing “all is well.”

For all these things to have happened over four days, there has to be something to this.  Ron used to tell me that I am a powerful manifest-er.  I hadn’t realized that until I started reflecting on my life.  I discovered example after example of times that I would create things out of what seemed to be thin air.  For my first book, a book representative from a publishing company came to my office at the university to sell me a book to use in my class, and I told him that the book I wanted to use hadn’t been written yet.  He asked me what it was, and I described it to him. He loved the idea which led to a bidding war between two companies for my first book contract.  Before he asked me, I hadn’t even thought about writing a book.

My first house, awards I have won, my live theatre, my art gallery, and my café all had similar starts.  I would think, wouldn’t it be wonderful to have or do something, and there it was with little initial effort on my part.  I see that my desire to be with Ron is manifesting itself in the way it can under the circumstances.  The manifestation comes as a feeling in my heart, a comfort in my being, a joy in my soul.

Those things that happened, the messages and the music, happened for a reason, not as a coincidence.  I realize that when something is meant to be, I don’t need to wish and hope for it. What I do is know that it is already there or already done. All I have to do is open my eyes and heart and see it and feel it my soul to experience it.  All is well.

 

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