Grief

The Music of Your Heart

by

When dealing with loss, we often find ourselves sitting alone. In this space, it is easy to start slipping down into sadness, missing the one we lost.

If I start to arrive at that spot, there are a couple of things I may do. First, in the silence of sitting alone, meditation can bring you peace. In this instance, I become still, close my eyes, and focus on my breath. Really concentrate on your breathing both in and out. Try slowing it down as you focus until you reach a place where you are still and your mind is clear. Maintain this clearness by that focus on your breath. This can bring a great sense of calm.

People have told me that their challenge in meditating comes from that voice in their head trying to convince them that they can’t meditate. Their minds are too busy. If this happens to you, find music that you can focus on to eliminate the space for that annoying voice to bother you. Many apps are available for your phone, or you can search on something like Pandora, Spotify, or Apple Music for music for meditation. I especially like crystal bowls and gongs, and I also love particular Baroque music like Bach’s Air in a G String.

I find such peace and beauty in music that it can calm me down and allow me to rest. I listen when a beautiful, peaceful song is played around me or finds its way into my mind. I feel it as a signal that I need to slow down, focus, and pay attention to what it is trying to tell me.  If it’s Bach, I feel close to Jacques. If it’s a beautiful, slow jazz number, I think of Ron.

I encourage you to put on the music that suits you best, sit, relax, clear your mind, and just experience that blissful peace for a while. You’ll be so glad you did.

 

Check of the meditation music on my YouTube Channel. I can listen to it all day!

Who cares who is watching?

by

When I was growing up, I was always doing things to impress my parents, to see if they were watching. Most times they didn’t. After I left home, I would do things to impress my husband to see if he was watching, but generally he wasn’t impressed. Then I started doing things that I could share to impress people at my class reunions, but they didn’t care much either. When I married Jacques, he did notice what I did and shared with me how much he appreciated me. I knew he was watching, and that was a much more positive inspiration to do good things.

After Jacques died, I began to feel like everybody was watching me, wondering what I would do next, afraid to get too close for fear of dealing with the subject of death. I felt like everyone was judging me, waiting to see if I was being a good widow. I know how absurd that sounds, but in grief, we aren’t always rational. I recall one time when a gentleman friend offered to accompany me to an event I didn’t want to attend alone, not as a date but as a friend. I actually heard people say that it was much too soon for me to be dating. I guess widows are just supposed to stay home and grieve forever.

As I reflected on all this, I realized that what I did or said was no one else’s business, just as what they said or did was not my business. I realized I was judging them, and they were judging me. That hit me hard. As I journaled and meditated about that, I realized that the most important thing for me to do at that time was to release all judgment, my judgment of anyone as well as my judgment of myself. And I did. And it felt like a miracle happened. Every time I felt myself start to slip, I would smile and recognize that I didn’t need to judge, and I didn’t need to pay attention to judgement, so I just focused on what was positive instead. I would forgive myself and move forward. It took a little time, but the more I released, the lighter I felt.

I now live in a judgement free zone. I focus on what is beautiful and good, on what is positive and filled with joy. I only pay attention to what I love about others, about me, and whatever happens. And my life is pretty fabulous. I encourage you to examine your thinking. Do you spend your time on the negative or the positive? I guarantee, the more positive you are, the more wonder and joy will discover.

 

Take a class with me!

What Are We Doing?

by

When I was talking to Saundy the other day, she was expressing her distress about the children being held at the border. She wants to do something, but she feels helpless. I thought about her comments when I heard about the shootings this weekend. What can we do? Are we actually helpless?

In situations like these, many of us grieve, piling experiences up until we either become overwhelmed by them or become numb by them. Either of these reactions don’t serve us, so what does?

The answer can come from us focusing together on love. The people who are committing these atrocities are generally working in isolation. When we read about them, we usually discover that they are loners seeking attention. They get inspired by people who espouse hate and gain much recognition from negativity. In an attempt to become idolized and recognized, they step on to a lonely stage not realizing that there are no positive outcomes once they cross that negative line of abomination.

So how can love change this? I have written before about how there are only two emotions: love and fear. Everything stems from these two. In order to make positive changes, releasing fear and focusing on love is essential. Studies have been done that show that when many people focus on love when dealing with a situation at the same time world wide, positive change happens not only in relation to acts of violence, but also in things like accidents and health emergencies. While this might seem unrealistic to you, try putting it I to action in your life.

Upon reflection, I can see how negatively and fear of death severely affected Jacques’ last couple of years. People stopped coming around, and loneliness and pain was heart breaking. Everything was different when Ron transitioned. We spent our time focusing on the joy in each moment. We were surrounded by love with laughter, friends, and music.

When we all decide to focus our lives on love, we will witness change. Instead of focusing the negativity of what’s happening in our government and society, try focusing on sending love and forgiveness to those who we see as the enemy or the problem. Instead of focusing on complaining about what politicians are doing, focus on finding something they do that is positive. For instance, instead of writing a letter complaining of the treatment of families and children at the border, write about how wonderful it will be for families to be reunited when the problems are solved that created the situation.

While this may sound naive, actually, this is the behavior that can create the change we are desiring. I encourage you to remember the words to John Lennon’s song Imagine.

“… Imagine all the people …. living for today…nothing to kill or die for … living life in peace….
I hope someday you’ll join us and the world will be as one.”

Let’s commit right now to focusing on peace and love. We can do this. Together we can change the world!

 

Take a class from Emily!

Birthdays

by

Birthdays can be a big challenge. Ron’s Birthday was last week, and it really hit me hard. I thought of his big party we had to celebrate his 70th. We lived very close to a place where we could make our own wine, so months before the party we started creating our wine so it was ready to bottle on his birthday. We invited everyone to come help us and our granddaughter’s jazz trio entertained us while we ate cake, then we all walked to our house for a fabulous Greek dinner. What great time we had! 

My birthday was a week before he died. He was in the hospital and I had been staying with him to help with his care around the clock. On the day of my birthday, he insisted that I go home to shower and had Shena pick me up because I was too tired to drive. Instead of taking me to the hospital, she took me to my favorite restaurant where all our friends were waiting for a birthday party for me. He and Shena had been planned it for me before he ended up in the hospital. It was beautiful, but I just wanted to be back with him. 

His birthday this time made me remember about how we always made our birthdays special for each other, a time to celebrate our lives and our love. Soon it will be my 70th, and I keep thinking how much I wish we could celebrate it together. And I think we will. I will have cake and flowers and a glass of wine like we would have shared, and I will revel in the sweet memories of our special times together while I also realize how far I have come. I am in a good place now, and I know he wanted that for me. 

Love lasts forever, and birthdays are a regular time to reflect and be grateful for all we shared.

 

Be sure to sign up for our closed Facebook group, Reclaiming Your Joy After Loss. This group is just for people like you! And you can sign up for my classes! 

Guilty!

by

 

Do you feel guilty related to your grief? Don’t be surprised if you do. Just about everyone who grieves also feels guilt related to who died, what caused the death, or the grieving afterward. No emotion has caused me more pain, or amplified my loss more than guilt. Guilt is just part of what we do. If we don’t have something to feel guilty about, we are good at creating it. Check out this list and see if any of the examples are something you feel, and there is good news.  You can do something about it!

  • The last thing you thought about your loved one was negative and you didn’t get a chance to change your thinking.
  • The last thing you said was hurtful or negative and you didn’t get a chance to apologize.
  • You didn’t insist that your loved one got treatment some enough.
  • You couldn’t seem to do anything about treatment you thought was wrong or harmful.
  • You didn’t visit your loved one often enough or spend enough time.
  • You didn’t do something you said you would.
  • You weren’t there at the time of death.You didn’t come right away when you were called.
  • You didn’t notice when there was something wrong you could have done something about.
  • You survived your loved one’s death.
  • You were happy or felt relieved about the death.
  • You were angry at God.

This list is by no means comprehensive. We can experience or make up all kinds of things to feel guilty about. The thing to keep in mind here is that guilt implies an intent to harm. If any action you did or thought you had was not done with an intention of harming your loved one, you are not guilty. Guilt implies that you failed at something or did something wrong, and most of the items on the list above don’t fall into that category. So as you reflect on the guilt you feel, see if it is about something that isn’t bad or wrong at all.

Has someone told you not to feel guilty? That really doesn’t help. I know that when someone tell tells me how not to feel, I am most likely to feel whatever they say that much more! So when someone says that, just smile and say thank you, then ignore what they said. But sometimes you are guilty, and if that is the case, you do need to deal with that. If you really did make a mistake like giving someone the wrong medicine that lead to their death, or you were driving drunk and had an accident leaving someone you loved to die, those are legitimate reasons for feeling guilty. Getting help from a counselor, minister, or grief group is essential in cases like these.

Our brains like order. When things are out of order in our lives, we tend to try to create things to get back on track. Consider this when you are looking at things you feel guilty about. When you realize what it is that bring you guilt, examine that and see if realistically there actually was something you could have changed, something you could have done differently. In Will Smith’s movie Seven Pounds, he suffered tremendous guilt after using his cell phone while driving lead to the death of his wife. The movie is how he dealt with that guilt. What he chose was extreme making for an interesting movie, but you don’t have to be dramatic. You may discover a path to doing something wonderful to help you through your feelings and get things back into order. Candy Lightner’s daughter was killed by a drink driver, so Candy decided to create something that would prevent others from suffering the way she did. Candy is the founder of Mothers Against Drunk Drivers. What could you do or create that would give you something positive to focus on?

In your memory of the experience that led to your grief, is it true? This may seem like a strange question. You say, “Of course my experience was true!” But was it, all of it, really? For instance, when you tell a close friend of your experience, do you say the same thing that you would say to your employer, your mail delivery person, or your daughter? Sometimes we shift the focus of the story we tell and add or leave out details. So which story is the truth? In creating a variety of stories, you may start feeling quilt when you realize how different they end up being. The solution for this is to stay in truth and focus on the positive.  Are there things you would have liked to have done before your loved one died? I would have loved to have spent more quality time with my mother before she died. We hadn’t spent a lot of time together throughout my whole life, and after she died, I realized how much I had missed. I knew more about my grandmother than my mom. If I had it to do over again, I would have gone way back in time and been a better daughter to her, but that couldn’t happen, and feeling guilty that I couldn’t change anything did not serve me. I had to accept the situation, integrate it into my life by being a better mother, friend, or sister now while a can, then move one with my life.

This leads to all those things that you could have, should have, would have done that didn’t happen. Maybe you could have had a standing date each week with your loved one to catch up. Maybe you could have insisted that your mother get her financial affairs in order. Maybe you would have been nicer to your friend had you known he was going to die suddenly. Maybe you would have been a better wife, brother, friend, employee, or whatever roles you played. Think of all you should have, could have, would have and realize that there is nothing you could do about any of those things now, so speeding time with them does not serve you. Do decide now what you can and will do, then do these things. That will help you release all those old, negative thoughts.

Perhaps your relationship with your loved one wasn’t always rosy and you fall into dwelling on the bad times. Guilt can run wild with telling you that you weren’t good enough, that you shouldn’t have raised your voice. I went through a period where I kept replaying things Ron said that I didn’t like. He would sometimes criticize me in front of others, and that drove me crazy. A friend pointed out an example of that to me, and I dwelled on it for a few days. Now this isn’t something that happened all the time and he was generally supportive of me, and I know he thought he was being supportive when he would say something like that. I dealt with it by focusing on all the good things in our relationship and realizing that no harm was intended. Then I had to let it go. Stewing about things past would never change anything or bring me joy, and realizing that allowed me to keep things in perspective and move on.

Consider these factors as you explore the guilt that you may feel:

  • Guilt is normal. Don’t let others minimize it.
  • You are not alone. Everybody feels guilt at some time.
  • Is the guilt you are feeling the truth? If yes, admit it and deal with it. If not, let it go.
  • Are you being rational? You can’t control someone else’s addiction or mental illness, Alzheimer’s, cancer, or anything else.
  • Think about who you can talk to about your guilt, then talk to whoever it is. A friend, counselor, group, minister?
  • Forgive yourself.
  • Do something positive to assuage your guilt.
  • Think about what your loved one would say about your guilt.
  • Find something good to dwell on
  • What has your guilt taught you?
  • Make restitution if there is a way to.
  • Know that you can feel good and bad or happy and sad at the same time.

When Ron came home from the hospital the last time, we had arranged for a hospital bed in a spare room that had a bathroom where it would be easiest for the caregivers to take care of him. I am sure he would have preferred to come home to our bed, but there just wasn’t room for all he required and for the care givers to move around him. I was exhausted having stayed up with him, helping with his care around the clock for the last week. After we got him settled, I went into our bedroom and just crashed. I could not stay awake. That night I had a dream that he came into the bedroom to wake me up so we could talk. In the dream, his care giver was standing in the doorway. The next day, I told him about the dream, and he told me that it wasn’t a dream.  He just wanted to snuggle with me in our bed one last time. I was devastated. He was never able to return to our room, and I felt guilty about that for a long time. Rationally I know that I wasn’t physically able to change that moment. I stayed by his side for the rest of the week, sleeping on the floor, until he died. I think I will always have tears with this memory.

I’ll bet you feel guilty about something. Something you said or didn’t say. Something you did or didn’t do. Guilt can be a nasty enemy. You don’t need that enemy clinging on to you. Shake it off. Let it go. Do this by forgiving yourself. Say out loud or write it down: “I forgive me. I forgive me. I forgive you. I forgive us.” Say or write it as many times as you need to. Know in your heart that your forgiveness is done. It is accepted. It is real. And it feels so much better for that nasty creature to be booted out of your life! Kick it out now!

 

Times of Remembering

by

On Memorial Day, my sweet neighbor Dawn brought me a bouquet of camellias and hydrangeas in remembrance of Ron. The camellias reminded me of the first day I visited Ron at his house and he picked me a beautiful camellia to put in my hair. He was so romantic. And that led us to talk of memories of Memorial Day. Ron and I always hosted a big bar-b-que. He made his famous ribs and chicken, and I cooked corn on the cob, potato salad, and peach cobbler and we invited everyone we knew. I miss those parties.

Now that I live in Hawaii, instead of having a bar-b-que, we celebrate Memorial Day by watching the Shinnyo Lantern Floating on television which takes place on Oahu.  This year was the 20thanniversary of this event that takes place on Ala Moana Beach. Families and friends honor their departed loved ones by decorating small lantern boats with the names, letters, poems, and flowers. Then the families wade out into the ocean to float the boats out into the bay. They have beautiful Hawaiian music and dancing combined with Japanese Buddhist Shinnyo-en traditions. Forty thousand people participate. After the lanterns float on the water for the evening, volunteers retrieve them to refurbish them to use again next year.

The touching part of the ceremony to me is how the presenters encourage the participants to discover their Shinnyo within to bless the community. On their website LaternFloatingHawaii.com, they define Shinnyo as:

“Shinnyo is reality, or the true nature of all things. It is the innate goodness, wisdom, and compassion inherently at the core of every living being. Shinnyo is the light that exists in all, without exception.

Shinnyo can also be understood as external forces, vibrant and infinite, that compassionaty lead us to moments of awakening – those serendipitous moments of feeling present and inspired. When we become aware of Shinnyo existing in and warmly encompassing us all, we can appreciate how interconnected we are.”

May we all remember our Shinnyo throughout the year by honoring our loved ones who have died and by supporting and loving the communities we live in.