Happiness

The Gift of Giving

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Each year I find myself giving fewer gifts of the kind I have given before. This must be the way it is for many people since I receive very few gifts anymore. And that’s OK because I have been looking at my possessions and giving away things that I don’t use, need, or enjoy anymore. Releasing stuff is so freeing!

And I am always looking for something unique that appeals to the heart of the receiver.  I listen when people talk about what they love so that when the time comes, I will have an idea of what to give. I love to gift things to people like for a friend who loves to take painting classes, I’ll find a painting class I can purchase for her. And it’s even more fun if we can go to the class together! For friends who love to cook, I find something I know they would have fun with in the kitchen and I often get the gift of something they made with this gift in return. Yum!

I also love to give the gift of art. These gifts are one of a kind beauty that benefits both the receiver of the gift and the artist who created what I give. And now that we are starting to be able to go out more, I love to give the gift of experience like a whale watching tour, or tickets to a play or concert. And of course, I love to tag along on these adventures when I can.

When I am able to travel, I love to buy gifts that are special from where I travelled, like leather handbags from Florence, Italy, or beautiful ceramics from Bali. For people who have a cause they support, I love to make a donation in their name.

One of my favorite Christmases, I gathered my favorite recipes that I have made many times, and my mother and grandmother’s recipes, as well as special recipes friends have shared with me. I created a binder with all these recipes and made a copy for family members and friends I knew would cherish them.

I also love to give copies of books I love. I especially like this when I can pass on books that I have read and know I won’t read again. And I love to pay it forward when friends give me books that I can pass on to other friends.  I have also participated in clothing exchanges where friends get together and bring items they are ready to release from their wardrobes and share them so that we all walk away with new items for our wardrobes. I also love to give the gift of nourishment by sharing the bounty of my garden and by sharing things I bake.

What do I receive from all this giving? The answer is simple: joy! The more I give away, the more space I have to enjoy. The more I feed other people and provide them with things that bring them happiness, the better I feel.

As I wrote this, I realized that I am giving gifts more than I ever have before, and that feels good! Some of the gifts I enjoy giving and receiving the most are smiles and handwritten notes and hugs and love. These gifts are invaluable even though they don’t cost a cent!

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Holidays and Grief

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Christmas used to be such a special time. When I was growing up, we celebrated with my mother’s three sisters and their families. All the children slept on the floor like a big slumber party, and we would be very quiet because we were anticipating Santa’s reindeer on the roof. And they always came! We knew because we heard the reindeer’s hooves, sleigh bells, and Santa’s jolly Ho Ho Ho’s! As I reflect on these joyous family memories, I am amazed that the older cousins didn’t spoil the illusion.

When my children were young, we would travel to my mother and father’s house to gather with the family who had remained close enough to still come.  My husband Jacques used to call it Hazel’s Hassle (my mom was Hazel) because so many people crammed into mom and dad’s small home. My cousin still tickled me every chance he got even though we were adults by that time. Mom and her sisters provided a feast. I loved watching the four of them gathered in the small kitchen laughing and smiling.

Jacques and I were engaged our first Christmas together. We both were challenged financially at that time, so I got a small Christmas tree for my children to have at my house, and then we transported the tree, decorations, and all, to Jacques’s house because we planned to have dinner at his house.  What a mess to transport that little tree! We had decided we wanted a new Christmas tradition that we could establish our first Christmas together and do every year. We decided our tradition would be to make homemade ravioli. His mom was from Sicily, so she made the filling, I made the pasta, and Jacques made the sauce. Over the years, whoever was around while we were preparing the ravioli would help us put together the ravioli.

I still made ravioli when Ron and I got married. We also invited lots of people.  One year we even had two of his ex-wives!  It was always a beautiful celebration of love and friendship.  Now that Ron’s gone, I usually invite people who don’t have a place to go to join me for ravioli, but the pandemic has put a damper on that.

What has helped me the most now to deal with the holidays is to sit down and consciously write out my intention for the season. This intention is not a to-do list. Rather I decide what will serve me best through the holidays to create happiness and joy. This year I decided to have a small outside gathering with a few friends to create Christmas ornaments. I hosted that on a sunny day a week ago. The next thing I decided to do was create a Christmas card from a drawing I did and write a heartfelt message to send to those I love. And I set the intention to not stress about Christmas gifts.  The perfect things will come to me to give to the people I want to. In years before, the gift giving took so much time and caused stress, so now I am simplifying, and it feels good.

The gift I will give to me is to spend some quiet time setting one major intention for the new year that will guide my decisions and bring me happiness in what I do. I have found that focusing on one specific intention works so much better than having lots or resolutions to keep track of.

And the most important thing I am doing the holidays is to take good care of myself.  I do this by eating well, going for walks, doing my morning practice of writing and meditating every day. I say yes to invitations, and I say no when that is the appropriate answer. I also am sure to hydrate and smile genuinely often!

What intention can you create? What new traditions can you establish? When will you say yes or no? What will you do to take good care of yourself and to engage with others? Make these holidays filled with love and happiness.  You can do this. I know you can!

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which will meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

The Power of the Pen 

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Yesterday I had the nicest surprise when I opened my mailbox and there was a small envelop with a handwritten address to me on it.

Last month I received a message online about a special drive a private Hospice in Canada was doing.  They asked for people to write a note of support to someone who was grieving with no name on the note. Then I put the note in an envelope and put that envelope into another envelope that I sent to that Canadian hospice. Once they received all the notes people sent into them, they opened them and randomly chose a note to match each note that was sent so that everyone who had submitted a note of support was sent back a note of support from someone they didn’t know. The note I got in the mail yesterday was in response to the note I had submitted. Reading the heartwarming note I received made my day.

I was reminded of my fourth grade teacher whose sister was a fourth grade teacher in another city. The teachers had us write a letter to a student in the other class, then the teachers delivered them for us.  We did this exercise for several exchanges, and many of us became pen pals for years. This was a wonderful way to get practice writing and to learn how to write letters. I remember how I looked forward to getting that letter in the mail.

Writing letters is becoming a lost art. In this season of writing Christmas cards, I’ve been thinking about the art of letter writing. Each year I send out about seventy Christmas cards because I love to be in touch with friends I have known over the years. I love to keep in touch, and I am sure when a card I have sent appears in the mailbox, the person receiving it smiles.  I know this tradition of sending Christmas cards is dying out because as my list grows every year, the number of cards I receive dwindles.

The condolence cards I have received over the years meant the most to me when they included a handwritten note. Having someone take the time to thoughtfully write a note so me was so special, and I was grateful and lifted by each note.

I would like to give you a challenge today to write a note to someone you know who is grieving. Then put it in an envelope and mail it to that person. Smile when you put it in the mailbox and know that they will smile when they receive the note. This only takes you moments, but it can brighten the whole day of the receiver. Hopefully this will feel so good to you that you’ll write lots more notes and make lots more people happy!

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which will meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

The words that can provide comfort and support to others

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Every Saturday people come together to write through grief with me on Zoom. This week, I was so moved by what Rev. Rachel Hollander wrote that I asked if she would share it with us for my blog post this week, and she graciously said yes. Rev. Rachel is the President of the new Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization. She is amazing and is a gift to the organization. Her beautiful picture accompanies this blog.

If you would like to join us on Saturdays, please send me your email and I will put you on the Zoom invitation list.

 

Here we go….

Whatever you are feeling is completely acceptable.

If you want to cry, scream, laugh, rage, hide, smile, remember or forget.

It’s all acceptable.

There is no “wrong way” to grieve (unless, of course, you are harming yourself or another. In that case, call me).

If remembering feels good, brings up sweetness and sadness, go for it.

If remembering stings too much, let that go for now. There’s time.

BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF!

Show yourself the same level of Compassion that you would show for a beloved friend.

HYDRATE! Crying and grieving can cause dehydration. Don’t make things worse for yourself. Hydrate.

Reach out – or don’t reach out – as much as you feel comfortable. You are in charge of your process.

If there are people you can trust, lean on them. If you’re unsure, call me.

Let go of judgment, time-lines, and all of the “shoulds.”

Everyone does this differently. And we each grieve different people differently.

There are no rules for this. Well, except to hydrate. That is really essential.

Understand that this is not a linear process. You won’t go from “bad” to “good.”

You’ll have easier days – or moments – and then challenging ones. It’s all ok. It’s all part of the experience.

When/if you’re able, be with patient with the well-meaning folks who say truly stupid or un-helpful things. They usually know not what they do.

Accept soup, rides, flowers, support.

And, if it all becomes too much, decline offers gently.

It might seem odd to have to care-take those who are not grieving. And, yet sometimes we need to try. Aim for tact.

AND – do not be afraid to get what you need: “Thank you for the offer. I really need some quiet time right now. It’s been a rough day.”

There is no time frame or limit on grief. If someone asks why you are “still” grieving, remind them of how lucky they are that they don’t understand.

When you’re able, create an altar or small space to remember your beloved. A photo, a token, a stone, whatever. Give them a place in your world.

And, lovingly, remember.

 

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which will meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Comfort, Support, Happiness, and Friends

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I am thrilled to announce the formation of The Grief and Happiness Alliance  which is a membership program where you can find comfort, support, happiness, and friends.

Everyone deals with grief and loss in their lifetimes. When you are in that situation, having friends to relate to who are also dealing with loss can make all the difference in how you feel.

While we grieve for the loss of a loved one, we also grieve many other losses in our lives like losing a job, getting divorced, suffering and injury, having a life-threatening diagnosis, or having a friend move away.  People deal with these losses in different ways. Some people isolate themselves so others won’t see their pain, others are openly sad and hurting, while others attempt to ignore the pain.  I have found that the best way to deal with loss is to pay attention to it and use healthy, constructive methods to help yourself.

Let me show you three ways you can start right now to help you feel better.

  1. Take good care of yourself. Often while dealing with grief or loss we forget to eat, or we eat too much. We may not pay attention to our personal appearance. We may not take care of where we live. We may not stay in contact with people. We may feel that no one could understand how you are feeling. Instead of dealing with what you are experiencing in these ways that do not serve you, try being gentle with yourself. Plan what you will be eating and make healthy choices. Get out in nature even if it is only a walk in the neighborhood. Call a friend just to talk, or write that friend a letter, a card, or an email to keep in touch. Take a nice hot shower or soak in a refreshing bath. Go shopping, even if it is only online, and buy yourself something new to wear that you know you will feel good wearing. Mostly, love your precious self up. You are so worth it.
  2. Set a goal for each day first thing when you get up. You can start small. Make sure that the goal you set is something you can do in one day. For instance, set a goal to get outside and walk to the corner and back, instead of setting a goal to spend an hour at the gym working out hard when you haven’t stepped into the gym for months. The more goals you accomplish, the better you will feel. Make a list of things you’d really like to do, then get started with one item on the list at a time.
  3. Laugh! If you need something to inspire your laughter, search on You Tube for funny animals. Or watch a funny movie. My aunt and uncle were in a car accident where she was severely injured, and he died. During her recovery, she watched the movie Patch Adams every day. I asked her if she was getting tired of watching it, and she said no.  She pointed out she couldn’t help but laugh at the funny parts and she loved the love and kindness that was demonstrated in the movie.  Find a movie or a book or a television show or a comedian that always makes you laugh then laugh all you can.

These three ways are just the start of all you can do to help yourself. They are all simple and mostly free. And the more you do each of them, the better you will feel. When you can start to focus on today, this moment, and do whatever you need to so that you can feel your best, each moment is easier than the last. When you focus on what you have lost, those moments will continue to get worse.

Would you like some help with all of this?  I have just what you need.

The Grief and Happiness Alliance is designed to support you in starting to move forward with your grief. Most people when dealing with grief and loss find themselves being mostly alone and not knowing what to do to feel any better. They also may be unfamiliar with the affect grieving can have on their lives, or maybe they do, but the grief they are dealing with now is bigger and more challenging. If this is you, participating in The Grief and Happiness Alliance can be a perfect experience. In the alliance, you will be meeting with others who are also dealing with loss. You are not alone. And you will experience ways to dealing with your grief by writing, by talking to each other, and by learning happiness practices that comfort and support you. Being listened to and listening to others often doesn’t happen when you are grieving, but the alliance is a place where you can do both., You will discover new friends, new ways to express yourself, and new happiness. And you will look forward to meeting online with The Grief and Happiness Alliance online that meets for an hour every week.

In The Grief and Happiness Alliance you can form comfortable relationships with new friends. You will have the opportunity to express emotions where you know you will be supported. Belonging to a group of people who share challenges like the ones you are experiencing, you will find opportunities to support each other. Each week we will do different writing and happiness practices that enable you to have tools to use to take care of yourself as you start moving forward. We will have occasional guests and enjoyable activities so there is always something new to experience.

As a member of the Alliance, you can create a notebook, either a hard copy or online, where you keep your writing and the PDF materials for class. This will be a special keepsake you can turn to for comfort as well as record your progress and your meaningful experiences along the way. You can stay in the Alliance for as long as you want to.

The Grief and Happiness Alliance is a membership program which is offered at no cost due to the generosity of the Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization.

Benefits of being a member of The Grief And Happiness Alliance:

  • Weekly group meetings which include happiness practices, writing sessions, and peer support.
  • Special activities and guests
  • Invitations to retreats
  • And more surprises along the way

When you sign up for The Grief And Happiness Alliance program today, you will immediately gain access to my online Grief, Love, Happiness, and Writing Haiku Poetry course for free.

Be sure join The Grief And Happiness Alliance now by clicking on this link: Grief and Happiness.

Our first meeting is Sunday November 14 at 10 AM Hawaii Standard Time, Noon PST, and 3 PM EST.

Be sure to share this information with anyone you know who could benefit from this program.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which will meet weekly starting November 14 by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

 

 

 

Sacred Conversations

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We almost never know when we have a conversation with someone that it will be for the last time.  In the case of someone dying from a terminal illness, you may know it is your last conversation, yet so often people die without warning, and we don’t get to have that last talk with each other. This can be devastating. You can, however, make sure this won’t happen to you, or maybe happen to you again.  The key is to always speak with your heart.

My last conversation with my husband Jacques was about an hour before he died when he asked me if he was going to get better. He was a brilliant man who had health issued for years with his final two years being the most challenging. He even taught the course nursing students were required to take at the college: The Ethics of Living and Dying. Shortly before he died, he asked me if he was going to get better.  I was shocked.  At this moment, I realized that he had been submitting to painful treatments and eating a diet he hated because somehow, he had decided that doing these things would heal him and he could go back to his wonderful life before the dressing changes, the constant lab work, the dialysis, the insulin shots, and the frequent hospitalizations.

I felt like a major failure. I was so sure that he realized that all he was going through was to keep him as comfortable as he could be in his decline. I was feeling that I had failed him by not helping him see what the reality of his situation was. As I reflect on that time now, this was probably for the best because he lived with hope. He never saw himself as dying.

Everything was different with my husband Ron. He knew exactly what was happening, and we talked about everything openly.  He focused his last week on having a final conversation with everyone he loved. So much love was exchanged that week and so much positivity. We left nothing unsaid.

Now I focus on love in every aspect of my life.  With this focus, I always tell the truth and don’t dwell in sorrow.  By being able to treat each conversation as if it is my last one with whomever I am talking to, I focus on smiling, being kind, and being truthful.  I recently had a friend die, and as I reflected on the last time we spoke, I remember the love and the smiles. I can live easily with that.

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which will meet weekly starting November 14 by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.