The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Happiness

What Brings You Comfort? 

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I’ve been thinking about comfort a lot lately. About ten years ago, I was having difficulty sleeping because of pain I had in my shoulder and hip. We had a relatively new mattress, but I could not get comfortable. My doctor suggested a specific type of mattress topper, and it brought tremendous relief.

Now, all these years later, I realized that the top was deteriorating, and I was sinking deeper and deeper into the bed. I have been putting off doing anything about it because this is the bed I shared with Ron. That was a special, sacred place we shared every night. As my sleep has been more and more difficult, I finally decided to buy a new mattress just for me.

Shopping was a little challenging for me. I finally asked myself how it served me to stay in my old bed, and I realized it was time for me to move forward. In the store, I felt like Goldilocks. My salesperson did an assessment to determine which mattress would serve me best. As I tried one mattress after another, there was an issue with each one: too hard, too soft, too hot.  Finally, I reached the mattress that was considered the perfect one for me, and it was. And I happily bought it.

I realized that my salesperson was building me up toward this mattress as she moved me from one mattress to the next. And when I peacefully relaxed into the mattress especially determined for me, I realized that the process was worth the effort. This got me thinking about the process of finding comfort while grieving.  Each experience I have while grieving leads me to the next one. Some things that felt so painful at the beginning of my loss are things I barely notice now. And I am grateful for that.

I made a list of things that bring me comfort that contains things like visiting with a friend, enjoying nature, going for a walk, reading, and listening to music I enjoy.  I see that I don’t rely on someone else to bring me comfort, and that I can find comfort in most situations.  The more I accept the responsibility for living my best life, the happier I am.

Now when I start to feel uncomfortable, I look at why I am feeling that way and turn it around to focus on why I do feel comfortable right now.  Sometimes I turn to writing to help with this challenge. I can tell you one thing I know for sure; I can’t wait for the comfort I will experience tonight after my mattress is delivered this afternoon!

I encourage you to look for and then appreciate the comfort you experience, no matter what direction it comes from!

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Gifts of Love

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I was talking with Dr VJ Raju this morning. He was telling me about the tradition of celebrating the death of a loved one each year after the death. He said for his mother, he plants 100 trees every year.  This gift not only honors here, but it also helps our planet especially now with all the major fires that are destroying trees with devastating effects. This made me think about how important gifts are when honoring someone or demonstrating love.

I always used to send flowers, but when I thought about how soon the flowers die, that seems to me a reminder of the loss of the loved one. I still like to send flowers for happy occasions, but if I send flowers because of a loss, now I send a living plant that will last lots longer.

When Jacques died, we set up a scholarship fund for students to go to the school of arts that we had founded years before. We requested that in lieu of flowers, that donation be made to that fund. So many people told me that they were happy that they could contribute to something that Jacques loved so much and that it benefitted children.

When I published my book, Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief, I realized that it would be a perfect gift for someone dealing with loss, and it does costs lots less than flowers! I addition to that, the book can bring the receiver comfort and support for months or even years. Many people have sone this and let me know how much they appreciated something that they could give that provides comfort and support.

Other thoughtful gifts could be a warm comforter that could be snuggled with accompanied by some tea. A journal is another thoughtful gift maybe with some ideas you write that your friend could use to write about when they are challenged getting started. I have created a set of 52 cards, and I send them to the person I seek to comfort, one each week for a year. I have done this several times and the receivers have told me how much the cards meant to them especially when they feel like people have forgotten what they are dealing with. Another idea would be to put on your schedule contacting this person each week for a year. This could be a phone call, a text, an email, or a card, or any combination of all these things.

Whatever you give for a gift for someone bereaved, by thoughtful, and make it something that will last. Grief doesn’t end after the first weeks, and thoughtful gifts can support for a while.

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Serendipity and Inspiration

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Have you had the experience of creating a vision in your mind of something you would love to do, then things start happening around you showing you that you can do it? Is this serendipity, or is it part of the process of creation? I have had this happen so often that I have learned to pay attention when it happens. When I recognized the power of paying attention, I reflected on my life and saw lots of examples. Here are a few.

When my son Jason was born, I had complications, and the nursing staff was unhelpful to say the least. I could not understand how a nurse could treat a patient without care or compassion. I said to myself, “If I were a nurse, I would never do that to my patients.” Before that time, I hadn’t considered being a nurse, yet I became one, a caring and compassionate one.

Later, when I was in the process of getting my master’s degree in English, I had no idea of what I would do with the degree when I got it. My husband Jacques suggested that I observe a writing class, and two of his colleagues gave me the opportunity to as well as hiring me to grade the essays they assigned.  Their techniques were different, and I could see how I, as a student, would like to be taught, as well as seeing the things that they did that worked and the things that didn’t. This inspired me to start my career as a writing teacher. I loved being innovative and encouraging my students to live their best lives in the process.

Later still, I had a dream of opening a live theatre and school of arts. I was unsure of how I could do this. Then I watched the movie “Music of the Heart” which portrayed the true story of Roberta Guaspari who founded the Opus 118 Harlem School of music as she fought for music education funding in New York City public schools. I had been fighting to find ways to support arts education in the city where I lived, and when I watched the movie, I knew if she could accomplish what she did, I could accomplish what I wanted for my community, so I did.  When I heard the song as the song in the movie, that was my confirmation that I was doing what I was meant to do. Here are some of the words to the song Music of My Heart.

You opened my eyes

You opened the door

To something I had never known before

And your love

Is the music of my heart

 

You can find the complete lyrics here  and  you can watch the movie online.

Then when my husband Ron died, I spent lots of time writing to help me deal with my grief. A few months after my Ron’s death, his good friend Chappy died. I used what I had learned by my writing to write a series of 52 cards to send to his wife Lori, once a week for the first year. I realized that what I said in the cards made and outline for a book that could help many people deal with grief and loss. I wrote that book, Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief, and it is providing comfort and support those many people. I also realized that teaching others how to write to deal with their grief was helping them to be happy while they were grieving, so my focus now is on creating The Grief and Happiness Alliance. I look forward to you joining me there.

Whether what I have experienced has come from serendipity or inspiration, I am grateful for it all, and all these occurrences have brought much happiness to my life. My hope is that you pay attention to the serendipity and inspiration you receive. How can you find more happiness in your life by following your heart?

 

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Grief and Celebration

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I was talking to my new friend Stavros this morning. He is Greek and grew up in Greece. He shared his first experience of a celebration after death, and said it was such a positive experience.  Everyone was laughing and talking about the fun they had throughout their lives with the dearly departed. Stavros grew up without fear of death because of this early experience.

This reminded me of Dia de los Muertos, a celebration in Mexico where the belief is that the souls of the deceased loved ones return on November 1 of every year where their families and friends can celebrate their lives. This colorful celebration is filled with food and laughter.

When my husband Jacques died, his celebration was at our theatre.  He had loved to sing and act there. His good friend Mike Huey put together a performance based on the play Our Town and filled with music and loving tributes from friends.

My husband Ron died at our home in Maui. Hawaii.  Our friend Shena put together a gathering where friends and family sang, did spoken word, and shared fond memories. This was put facilitated by Kimokea, an honored Hawaiian Kupuna, who dressed in his cultural grab and only spoke Hawaiian for the ceremony. The we all got into canoes and paddled out into the ocean to scatter Ron’s ashes and the flowers that those attending brought from their yards.

As a child, all the funerals I attended were so sad. Lots of black clothing and tears. I always at in the back, away from the open casket that I didn’t want to look into.  I wanted instead to remember my grandmother’s hugs and my grandfather’s caring for me. I am so relieved that as I have reached this point in my life that those around me have been choosing the lightness and joy of tributes, performances, and love for our celebrations now.

How does your culture celebrate the passing of loved ones?  What memories do you have of the celebrations of life you have attended for your loved ones? I am writing some wishes for my celebration, but honestly, my hope is that those whose love me will celebrate in the way they would most like to remember me. What is your hope?

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Loving Yourself

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Often while grieving we are hard on ourselves, expecting us to have superpowers to break through grief, then being disappointed when that happens. We also have periods of sadness we feel like it will never be over. And we may not be taking good care of us physically by doing things like staying in pajamas, not doing laundry, not bathing as often as we used to, letting our hair get dirty, not going to the gym, or not going for a walk. Not eating mindfully. Does any of this familiar to you? All of these are things you may experience during grief. The key with this is to recognize what you are doing and make an effort to do something different.

Having the strength to do anything may seem daunting.  Try picking just one thing and work your way through it until you can release it.  For instance, if in sadness you are just sitting, try standing up and stretching then find something to do, like call a friend, get a nice cool glass of water, and drink it, read a funny book, or watch a funny movie. If you are still in your pajamas, get dressed even if you aren’t planning on going someplace.  If you are dressed, you are more likely to leave the house or even answer the door.

Take a nice long bath or shower. I always feel so much better after I bathe. This seems to bring a delightfully energy to me. In my early days of grief, sometimes getting in the shower was just too hard to do. If you find yourself feeling this way, ask yourself some questions like will bathing help you feel better? Will you smell better? Will you be able to sleep better? Will you be more likely to visit with someone?  If you answer yes to any of these questions, go bathe now!

Are you moving enough?  I started walking just around my block. Then my walks got longer, and eventually I got back into the pool, and I went to the gym.  What kind of movement would you like to do?  How about gentle yoga, or just doing nice stretches a home. YouTube has a wealth of yoga demonstrations, as well as videos on Tai Chi and Qi Gong.  I love to do Qi Gong and meditate afterward. This allows me to release anything that is bothering me, and it makes me feel so good!

Are you eating too much or eating things that are healthy? Or maybe you are forgetting to eat, or you just don’t get around to eating.  I lost a lot of weight each time my husbands died. Eating just wasn’t a priority. This led to a great weakness, so I started being mindful for eating.  I committed to eating healthy, non-processed foods three times a day with one healthy snack. I started finding or creating new recipes which were easy just for me. If you are eating too much, try developing a relationship with your shopping cart. Make it a no candy, no cookies, no soda, and no chips zone. Treat your shopping cart well and it will serve you!

When you start to get down, recognize what is happening, and put your hands over your heart, take a deep breath and say, “I am happy.” Next breathe say “I am beautiful.” Next breath say, “I take good care of myself.” Then talk one more breath and say, “I love me.”

Doing what I recommend here is your map to happiness, and remember to smile always. Smiling along will make you feel so much better!

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

 

How Improving Your Morning Routine Can Change Your Life

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I have a confession to make. After my husband died, I found it harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning. I just didn’t feel ready to face the world.  First, I would try to convince myself that there was no need to rush, and that led to more sleep. Then I started bad habits like checking my email and social media accounts. That led to checking the news on my phone, which most often wasn’t good news. Then I would play just one game, which often let to more. I would try to talk myself into getting out of bed, but I wouldn’t listen.

Finally, I came to the point that I realized I was missing the part of my day when I am fresh and most creative, and I decided I needed to change. Your morning routine is likely different than mine was, but whatever it is, you can make it better.  Here are some hints that really work.

  1. The number one thing that will help is to get up earlier. If you automatically get up at 5 or 6, you can skip this step.  If you don’t, try getting up one hour earlier than you have been. This will give you a fresh new start on your day. If you have been having trouble sleeping, this may help. Often that trouble sleeping can be the result of staying in bed too long. If you need to set an alarm to get started on this new time, try that. You will discover that you can wake yourself up at the time you want to if your set your intention to do that. I didn’t think I would ever be able to do that because I used an alarm every day, but my husband convinced me to try, and it worked. Now I am no longer jolted out of my sleep and away from my dreams by an annoying alarm.
  2. Stretch in bed taking a few deep breaths. This is a loving way to gently get your body started for the day. Stretch out your arms. Pull you knees up to your chest. Roll your body back and forth. Take a few more deep breaths. This all feels so good!
  3. Now do your self-care. I just can’t do anything else before I brush my teeth. Be sure to floss your teeth, wash you face, and comb your hair. You don’t need to put on make-up or style your hair at this point. Then put on some comfortable, morning clothes.
  4. Next is your soul time. In your journal, start by writing at least five things you are grateful for. I am always amazed how good it feels to realize the wonderful things in my life. There are so many things to be grateful for! Then write a goal to accomplish today. Instead of writing a list, write just one thing. After you do that, you can decide what to do next. Then write one thing that brought you joy the day before. Be sure to smile while you write this along with why this thing made you happy. And take some time to meditate, if only for a few minutes.
  5. Eat something nourishing and healthy. Be sure you have food on hand that is easy to fix and enjoyable to eat. Be sure what you eat is fresh and natural avoiding processed foods. Your body will appreciate this loving care.

Changing my habit of seeing how long I could convince myself to stay in bed was a bit of a challenge. When I recognized how much better I felt when I did this new routine, I was happy to keep it up.  Now I feel energized as I start my day. My days are more fulfilling, and I am so much happier. Making a commitment to a positive change like this can make all the difference in how you feel. Try it, and enjoy the results!

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.