The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Happiness

How is Your Day?

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I woke up this morning feeling so good, and It made me think.  We all notice when we don’t feel good, and then we spend time and energy dealing with that. But I was thinking instead this morning of how wonderful it is to just feel good. I started looking at what was different in my life right now that is contributing to this elation.

Sunday my friend invited me to her house for dinner with a couple of other friends.  (We did social distance) After dinner, we played a card game named Uno Flip.  I had played Uno years ago, but I never played Flip.  We had so much fun that we all laughed for an hour.  I realized then that though I am happy, I hadn’t laughed that much in years.  My whole body felt good. Though that was 4 days go, I still feel great.  I am sure that was the start of this good feeling.

In addition to that, I have committed to going on a walk every day.  I have been listening to a book as I walk, but this morning, I decided to just enjoy the silence, the birds, and the breeze. I reflected as I walked on how much I love where I live.  I can see both sides of the island as I walk, and there is such a wide variety of tropical flowers that I took time to observe and enjoy.

I also have been writing every day. Although I am an author and I teach writing, I’ve been taking a couple of online writing classes to just explore ideas and writing techniques.  I am discovering more about me and am having some powerful inspiration which is fun to pursue. I even decided to teach a Zoom writing class on Saturdays to explore writing through grief. There is no charge and no pressure with this class. I’d love to have you join if you are interested.

I’ve also been gardening, cooking, reading, and painting, so much fun!  I hear people say they are so bored with the shutdown and restrictions because of the pandemic, but I haven’t felt that at all.  I fill my time with what I enjoy, and I never run out of things to do even if it is sitting in my comfy chair in my back yard, listening to all the birds sing, and sipping some refreshing iced water.

One of my favorite songs is Lovely Day by Bill Withers. As I walked by a picture of Ron and I today, I blew him a kiss and thought of this song. Look at a picture of your loved one, smile, and listen to this song. Lovely Day

I wish for you a lovely day.

 

Sign up for my Writing Together Through Grief Zoom Class here

These Times are Not Normal

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What unusual times we are living in right now.  I never dreamed that our country would experience the type of hate, disrespect, and violence we are now. Some days I feel overwhelmed by yet one more outlandish act that has occurred. But as soon as I start to think that direction, I remember the commitment that I made to myself that I live my life based on love, fully and completely.

Getting absorbed into the sensationalism that comes along with unimaginable things that have occurred this year is an easy trap to fall into, so it is imperative for us to keep our eyes open and write our own script. Instead of worrying and crying about the results of the pandemic, what can we do with our love to bring comfort and support to those affected? Instead of rioting in rage at the senseless shootings and violence, what can we do with our love to peacefully demonstrate and make positive changes? Instead of complaining about the political situation going on, what can we do with love to help get people out to vote and work on positive goals to help everyone?

Michelle Norris said, “Hate is fear in a different octave.” A truth I have learned in my life is that there are only two true emotions, love and fear. Essentially, then, hate is an element of fear. Since I have chosen to lead my life in love, I no longer can dwell on fear or hate. Looking at life that way, I am choosing for my actions to be based in love.

Those of us who are dealing with grief and loss often drift into despair. When we do that, we are forgetting to love ourselves. When we get lost in the anger that came from the doctor not making the diagnosis sooner, or fury with the driver who caused the accident, or the disappointment in our own body that didn’t hang on to a pregnancy, or our loved one who wouldn’t quit smoking, drinking, or overeating, that doesn’t serve us. Those things all happened in the past, and the only time we can do anything is in this moment right now. This is the moment when you can choose to focus on love, the love you feel about your loved one, and the love you are now nurturing yourself with.

Look at how you feel right now.  Are you serving yourself, loving yourself?  If not, spend some time exploring that idea through meditation, journaling, or prayer.  You can feel much better when you choose to.

Sending you so much love.

I’ve Got the Cure For You!

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My son introduced me to a new song by Rick Astley named Dance.  The lyrics are: “I’ve got the cure for you. All you gotta do is dance.” Watching it reminded me how good it feels to dance. It gets my heart pumping and my energy up.

I thought about one of my first dates with Ron.  I always had dreamed about having a strong partner who was taller that I am who I could dance with.  I am six feet tall, and Ron was 6”2”, and I sure hoped he could dance! We went to my high school reunion.  They had a band, and everyone was dancing. He was hesitant to dance, so I didn’t know what to expect. But the music was so good, we ended up on the dance floor.

He could dance. He could dance so well! As we danced, the other couples moved away from us and ended up watching us and clapped at the end of the song! We had so much fun!  He told me that in high school he wanted to dance but was afraid that girls would say no when he’d ask.  His solution was to teach himself to dance so well that the girls would be asking him.

We danced often in Maui. It felt so good. I remember how surprised Shena seemed to be by Ron’s dancing. She said, “He’s got some moves!” I can’t help but smile when I think about dancing with him. My dream of a dance partner came true.

Ron and I hadn’t been together long when I had to have knee surgery for a complicated problem.  He came over before dawn to pick me up to take me to the hospital. I had told him about how my friend Yvonne had told me she wanted to be with someone who would dance in the kitchen with her, so we had started dancing in the kitchen sometimes when I was cooking.  That morning he took me into the kitchen, turned on the boom box that he brought with him, playing one of our favorite slow songs and took me into his arms to dance. He wanted us to have a dance together because we weren’t sure how long it would be before I could dance again.

Oh, how I loved to dance with him. I miss that closeness. Now I dance by myself. There are so many free dance classes on YouTube, and I can just pick something to suit my mood. It’s a great way to get some exercise and pump up my spirits.

I was just talking with a dear friend of mine who is dealing with the recent unexpected loss of her loved one. She told me about how one of her girlfriends came over with some food and a bottle of wine and played music from her phone and they danced for two hours. She said they smiled and laughed and danced until they were worn out, and it was such a perfect release for her. What a wonderful gift to give to a friend.

When you hit a low spot, remember this. Turn up some toons and dance!

Come on Over to the Bright Side!

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When Jacques died, I didn’t see anything as positive.  My world was dark.  Most of those who I thought were my friends were no place to be found. I didn’t have anyone to talk to. And I became really good at feeling sorry for myself. I was not happy living this way.

I had not been working at a paying job for over two years as I stayed home to care for Jacques. I was contemplating what I was supposed to be doing then when someone I used to work with called me and offered me a job. My knee jerk reaction was to decline because I had left the job I had working with her because the workplace environment had become impossible, filled with negativity.  I knew that I never wanted to be surrounded by all that again.  Then she explained to me that there had been a major change essentially dividing the department in two.  She was in the new department, and all those with the negativity were in the old department. She said the new department was a wonderful place to work and invited me to “Come on over to the bright side.”  I did, and I am grateful.

This experience taught me that I could choose where I wanted to be, and I wanted to be surrounded by positive, happy, creative people. It also taught me the importance of me focusing on being positive, happy, and creative, no matter what I was dealing with.  This changed my life.  I worked to lift myself up from the depression of grief I had been dealing with and to find a way in each situation to find what was good and stay positive.

I saw an interview this week of the uncle of Jacob Blake, the man who had been shot in the back seven times by a police officer. Jacob’s uncle said his family was “on top of the world.” He said they we so happy because they weren’t going to a funeral. Then I heard a reporter who had a phone interview with Jacob who was in his hospital bed. Jacob said he was grateful to be alive and that he wouldn’t let this incident bring him down. I was struck by the positivity of this family.  I felt that no matter how challenging things became for them, they would get through it together focusing on what is good and positive.

This reminded me of seeing a video of George Floyd’s little daughter sitting on his shoulders, both of them smiling and laughing. George was killed by the police which started enormous demonstrations across our country which are still going on focusing on the reform of law enforcement. And what George’s little daughter said was “My Daddy changed the world.”

Each of us can change the world starting with focusing on the positive.  There is so much good in our lives. I start every day with writing a list of what I am grateful for in my journal. I have filled several journals since I started doing this, and I am amazed at all the things I am grateful for, and I never run out of positive things to say. I also write in my journal every day, and I focus there on making everything positive.  Can you imagine how wonderful our country could be if everyone started focusing on what is good about it? Focusing on the love we all can share?

 

I am focusing on finding what is positive about every situation, spreading love and joy. I invite you to join me in this campaign. Come on over to the bright side!

Pain is Inevitable, Suffering is Optional

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When grieving, we all feel pain. We can recognize it and deal with it constructively, or we can melt into the deep abyss of suffering, unable to rise up from the mire. The good news is, you have choice in this matter. You can choose to survive and thrive.

Compare the loss of a loved one by death to the birth of a baby. In labor, the contractions start slowly, giving your body time to adjust. As the pains come more frequently, they are more intense. Finally when the pains are so close together and so strong, relief comes in pushing hard till the release of the baby sliding into the world.

Death is the opposite it birth, a similar process but reversed. The loss starts with incredible pain that’s deep and hard and seemingly eternal. Yet soon, you can take a breath. And in those breaths you find moments of peace. Grief alternates like those labor pains. The further away you get from the actual transition, the further apart are the waves of pain.

The key here is what you do in the in between, those times when you may feel empty or deeply sad. Sometimes it may feel like you are in a fog and things don’t feel quite real. Recognize these times as a place to heal. But how can you do that?

Journaling through this journey helped me more than anything else. If you feel that you are suffering, write about that. What does your suffering look like? If suffering was a person, what would you say to him/her? Tell it how you feel. Ask it what it wants from you? When you tire of the conversation, you can tell it that you no longer want to visit with them and politely say goodbye. Although suffering may still come to your door on occasion, you have the strength to not open it.

You can do this exercise in your journal with any feeling that comes up. You may feel anger, rage, depression. Or any other emotion. When you recognize that an emotion is directing your thoughts and actions, get out your journal and work on it in writing. And if the emotion try’s to visit you again, just say to it, “Sorry I can’t deal with you right now. I have plans to spend time with love and joy instead.”

Even when you feel weak and out of control, remember that ultimately, you are in charge of your life. Make the conscious choice to take the best care or yourself, to live your very best life. Ron told me once when I had said “I’m sorry” too many times in one day, “Do you think I want to be with a sorry woman?” That caused me to pay attention to what I was doing. What you speak is who you are. So when suffering comes to visit and you turn it away, in your journal, write a list of who you are. Start each item if you list with “I am.” I am strong. I am beautiful. I am joyful. I am hope. I am love. I am sure you can list many more things about the perfect person you really are.

You can rise up from that mire of suffering. You can live that beautiful inspiring like you long for. Take good care of your precious self.

I am always here for you.

 

How Long Does Grief Last?

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Grief has no finish line. No measuring tapes are involved. Grief is as individual as breathing.

Early grief is all encompassing. We sometimes feel we are drowning in grief. Every breath is a struggle. Sleep is our reprieve.

Then miraculously and often unnoticed, each breath is a little easier. We can’t anticipate when this will happen. Yet it does. Our body starts to crave easy air, and we breathe a little deeper.

Our stoic expression feels like it will crack if we speak or try to smile, then one day a friend says the sweetest thing, and our lips turn up slightly, and we realize that feels good.

Our heads have been feeling filled with dark clouds heavy with the rain of tears. Slowly the clouds lighten and then a golden ray of sun peaks through.

As this all progresses, we are not likely to notice, then one day we realize our breathing is easy and we haven’t been noticing the air entering and leaving our bodies.

We stretch, energizing our muscles, feeling the tingling in our hands and feet, knowing we are ready to move.

As we walk outside, we discover that the trees still sway, the flowers still bloom, the birds still sing. Our absence hasn’t been noticed by the world around us.

Our strength begins to return. We realize a desire to experience beauty, conversation, food, movement.

At times our tears break through and we experience great longing, yet those times become further apart.

We reflect on the detailed memories we have of times well spent with our loved ones, of love expressed, of comfort felt.

We slip into our new normal, whatever that is, not forgetting our loved one, cherishing our memories, and discovering the peace and joy in the rest of the moments of our lives.

Grief is never over, just assimilated into our lives granting us the richness that comes from experiencing the depths of our love.

 

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