The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Happiness

How Long Does Grief Last?

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Grief has no finish line. No measuring tapes are involved. Grief is as individual as breathing.

Early grief is all encompassing. We sometimes feel we are drowning in grief. Every breath is a struggle. Sleep is our reprieve.

Then miraculously and often unnoticed, each breath is a little easier. We can’t anticipate when this will happen. Yet it does. Our body starts to crave easy air, and we breathe a little deeper.

Our stoic expression feels like it will crack if we speak or try to smile, then one day a friend says the sweetest thing, and our lips turn up slightly, and we realize that feels good.

Our heads have been feeling filled with dark clouds heavy with the rain of tears. Slowly the clouds lighten and then a golden ray of sun peaks through.

As this all progresses, we are not likely to notice, then one day we realize our breathing is easy and we haven’t been noticing the air entering and leaving our bodies.

We stretch, energizing our muscles, feeling the tingling in our hands and feet, knowing we are ready to move.

As we walk outside, we discover that the trees still sway, the flowers still bloom, the birds still sing. Our absence hasn’t been noticed by the world around us.

Our strength begins to return. We realize a desire to experience beauty, conversation, food, movement.

At times our tears break through and we experience great longing, yet those times become further apart.

We reflect on the detailed memories we have of times well spent with our loved ones, of love expressed, of comfort felt.

We slip into our new normal, whatever that is, not forgetting our loved one, cherishing our memories, and discovering the peace and joy in the rest of the moments of our lives.

Grief is never over, just assimilated into our lives granting us the richness that comes from experiencing the depths of our love.

 

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Are you positive?

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“It’s most important that you surround yourself with positivity always and have it in your mind at all times.”– Tyler Perry

Have you noticed how much we are like chameleons?  Here in Hawaii we have lots of chameleons, known as Jacksons, who look like small prehistoric creatures with horns. The first one I saw someone noticed on my lawn. I almost didn’t see it because it was the exact color of the grass. My friend picked him up and held him in front of his black shirt, and to my amazement, it started changing color, first to like a camouflage with many shades of green and grey, and then to solid black. This reminded me of how we all change to reflect our surroundings.

When I sit with someone grieving who is crying, generally, my tears start, too. When I am with someone sharing a funny story, we all end up laughing together. If I happen to watch a scary show, I usually end up with nightmares. If I watch the news about all the negativity our country is experiencing, I can easily fall into that negativity if I don’t pay attention to what I am doing. And if I hold a tiny baby in my arms, love just naturally pours out of me to surround that infant.

The thing is, we can just allow all this to happen, or we can take control.  In grieving, I noticed how everything seemed sad. The books I read were sad. The shows I watched on tv were sad. What I read in social media was sad. Sad people would visit to tell me how sad they were that Ron had died. Then one day I realized that as long as I remained surrounded by sadness, I wasn’t going to be able to feel any better. Then I thought of my Aunt Mona.

Aunt Mona had many tragedies befall her in her life, but you would never know it by talking to her. She always smiled and exuded love. When her sixteen-year old grandson was driving her and her husband to a family gathering, he had a terrible accident where my uncle was killed and my aunt had severe injuries.  When I visited my aunt at home, she was sitting up in the hospital bed in her living room with a big smile so happy to see me. She had a VHS tape of the movie Patch Adams on her bed with her, and she told me she watched it often because it made her smile and feel so good. Now if I have a little low time and start to slide into self-pity, I think of Aunt Mona and smile, loving her memory and smile.

I have discovered that if I focus on positivity, then that’s how I feel, and that feeling is so much better than the opposite! So now I read positive books, I spend time with positive friends, and I notice what it positive and beautiful in everything around me. I can’t help but feel great when I do this, and the more I do it, the more it multiplies. I’ve even stopped using negative words. When you pay attention, you may be shocked at the number of negative words you use without thinking. Keep track of each time you say no or not or any other words that aren’t completely positive. Then change what you say. Ron taught me that when I noticed I was talking negatively, I needed to stop and say, “I take that back,” then restate whatever it was in a positive way.  For instance, if I said “I just can’t stand her. She makes me so mad,” I could change that to “I choose to stay positive and smile in her presence knowing that only I can affect how I feel, and I would always rather be happy.”

Chose to be positive, even when those around you aren’t. If tears start to come as you reflect on how much you miss your loved one, take a deep breath, smile, and focus on a beautiful memory you have of him or her. The more you do this, the more it becomes habit, and it’s a great habit to have. I find that now I smile much of the time, and sometimes I’ll notice and say to myself, “What are you smiling about now?” Then I remember. I am smiling because life is good. I always focus on love and how I can share it. And that the best way to live is by being positive!

Practice Joy!

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I can hear you now. “I am grieving. There’s no joy in my life.” I can understand you feeling that way, but that’s not how you have to feel.

Right now, our country, and actually the world, is consumed with fear, despair, disease, and confusion. Where is the joy there?  We seem to have hit bottom, but let’s not stay there. The more we surround ourselves with the bad news, the more overwhelming it becomes, and the good news is, you are in control of what you focus on.

Today, right now, let’s focus on what is good in your life. Give your attention to that, and only to that all day. No news on tv. No newspapers. No negative conversations.  This is easier than you think. Turn on some great music that makes you feel good instead of the tv. Smile at anyone who starts a negative conversation and say, “How about we talk about something that makes you happy today?”

Now that you have eliminated negative distractions, let’s find some joy for you. Years ago, I found myself negative much of the time. That is where all my focus seemed to be, and it was pretty miserable. I consciously decided that I didn’t want to live that way. How freeing that was! You can do this too!

Try starting by doing a peaceful meditation. As you meditate, when you breathe in silently say love, and when you breathe out, silently say joy. Do this the full time of your meditation. When you finish, take a nice deep breath, smile, and open your eyes. Keep that smile throughout the day.

Now get out your journal or something to write on. Set your timer for ten minutes and start writing everything in your life that has brought you joy. Don’t stop to think about it, just write. Write anything and everything that comes to you. Don’t worry about spelling. Keep writing without pausing to think. Here’s the start of my list as an idea:

“When Ron first kissed me, when I bought my first home, my children, my house I love now on Maui, living on Maui, the dog I had as a child “Taffy,” my friends, tamale pie, the birds that sing in my yard, sunsets, toddlers laughing, puppies, walking on the beach, marrying Jacques, marrying Ron, writing each of my books, teaching others to write, my setting intentions group, Soul Sisters, Jazz, baroque music, Stephen Colbert, reading, writing . . . .”  I could go on for pages!

You may find when the timer goes off you want to write more because it feels so good to focus on all these wonderful things!  Keep writing for as long as you want to. And if you only write a couple of things, focus on them. Whenever I would start to feel down or distracted, I got out my list and read it, usually adding more things as I thought about them. Now, every day when I write in my journal, I write something that brought me joy that day.

As you focus on what is positive, as you only allow true, loving words in your presence, your joy will build and build. You can breathe easier. Everything will seem brighter, more beautiful. You discover yourself releasing negative feelings and memories and using you time to focus on what is already a kind and loving life.

Welcome to joy!

 

For a sneak peek at my book, click here!

Growing From Your Loss

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When someone you love dies, everything changes. Initially you have deep yearning for things to go to how they were when you both were healthy and living the life you dreamed of. Now you know that not possible, and you may be struggling to know what to do now. That happened for me. I set my intention to be inspired with what my next steps were supposed to be. 

My inspiration didn’t come all at once. Instead I moved forward one step at a time. I always loved writing, so that was my natural place to start. I wrote in my journal today. I didn’t worry about thinking of something to write about. I made lots of things that brought joy to my life in spite of my sorrow, and there was lots to write about. I still write things that bring me joy every day.  

I also write gratitude lists which also have never ending inspiration. People grieving can easily fall into the hole of negativity, of poor me. When you focus on joy and gratitude, that leaves less space for sorrow. And I do still write my gratitude lists everyday.

At the times I really wanted to talk to Ron, to have his guidance or his opinion about something, I wrote him a letter. I would pour my heart out just like I was talking to him. Those letters could get long! When I finished, I often wrote a letter from him back to me. I choose to think he’s inspiring my words, but even if this words come from deep in my heart or from the resources of the deep knowledge in my mind, I do find answers and inspiration in these letters. 

When Ron’s good friend Chappy died, I started writing his wife every week for the first year, a process that helped both of us.  And these letters inspired the book I wrote, Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief which is being published by Mango Press. 

The growth through loss that I am experiencing is through writing. You growth can come through what you most love. The key is to focus on what is positive, what brings joy to your life. There’s no need to rush here, Baby steps can lead your way.  What do you love? What brings you joy? Do everything related to that.

Say you loved to cook, but you stopped when you just had you to cook for. That can be changed to I deserve beautiful healthy foods to nourish me, then find recipes for one, or create them. Save each new recipe you try to use again, and maybe that will even lead to a cookbook. I might just create one I can just print from my computer and share with my friends when they start cooking for one.

Maybe your refuge is your garden or your art or craft supplies. See how this ca inspire you. Any of these can keep you busy. Or maybe it’s time to change jobs, or take classes, or join an organization that interests you. A friend sent me a card long ago that said Bloom Where You’re Planted.  Take care of yourself now. Learn, grow, bloom!

 

For a sneak peak of my new book, click here!

My Mother’s Grief

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My Mom and Dad were married for 54 years. They were 18 when they got married in a small California town during the Depression. They spent their time together until Daddy got drafted into World War II.  When he came home, they were closer than ever. They spent years together active in the Veterans of Foreign Wars, including Daddy being in leadership in the State of California including being State Commander. This required visits all over California, and they drove everywhere they went. On so many long trips, they saw many accidents on the road, and Mom would report them to me in detail, always saying that she knew that she and Daddy would someday be in one of those accidents and die together on the road. I hated when she said that, but I knew that she said it out of deep love. She couldn’t imagine living without him.

On the Sunday before Veteran’s Day in 1989, Daddy was the keynote speaker at the big community event held annually to honor all the Veterans from our town. Much beloved, he had a warm reception to his talk. The next evening, Mom called to say Daddy had been taken to the hospital. She wasn’t sure what was wrong, but they told her to go home and get some rest and to visit him in the morning.  I assured her that I would join her in the morning as I lived an hour away.  An hour later, she called to tell me that he had died.

I don’t think we are ever really ready for a death, but when it comes so suddenly, it is a shock. The rest of the week what a big celebration of his life and service. Porterville always has had a tradition of patriotism which included a huge parade and Band-o-Rama on Veterans day every year.  Mom and Dad had been in charge of that parade for many years. This year, the parade was done in Daddy’s honor. They had a beautiful old convertible with a black wreath at the start of the parade representing him not being there for the first time in so many years. Then he was honored again at the Band-O-Rama as the town’s best loved veteran.

Mom held up well during that week, or so we thought.  As I reflect, she hardly spoke at all, and I didn’t see her crying.  I went with her to make the funeral arrangements, and she was pretty silent there, too, so I did most of the talking.  The service was amazing. I have never seen so many people at a service. They had taps and a 21-gun salute at the graveside, and Mom was silent.

I had to leave at the end of the week.  I hated leaving her alone, but I had to go back to work and my family.  We stayed in touch and I stepped in to help with the Ambulance business she and Daddy owned together. She still didn’t talk much. She did play bridge every week with the same group she had played with since they all first got married. And she went to church sometimes. But I knew she spent much time alone. My daughter wanted a picture of the three of us taken for her birthday, and when I saw the proofs of all the shots from the photo studio, I realized that mom wasn’t smiling. And I also realized she hadn’t smiled at all since Daddy died.

Five years after Daddy’s death, I got a call that mom had been taken to the hospital. She had spent Thanksgiving with us and drove an hour to go home a couple of days later.  We had been shopping and she bought a new electric blanket. After she got home, she tried to put the blanket on her bed that Sunday evening and fell. This was before the time of cell phones and medical alerts. When she didn’t show up for bridge, her friends called her company and they went to check on here and found her on the floor badly dehydrated. Nothing was broken, but she just didn’t have the will to get up.

When she recovered enough to go home, I told her she had a choice to make. She could stay in her home with someone to stay with her all the time. She could stay with me. Or we could find a place for her at a facility for elders. She decided to come home with me. I enjoyed having her with me. We were able to have good talks sometimes. And she loved my husband who could get her to smile. And my daughter could get her to smile on occasion too. Then we discovered that she had an inoperable brain tumor. And because her doctor told me the diagnosis on the phone on his way to his vacation, I had to tell her. We held each other and cried a long time.

Then a miracle happened. Her smile came back on a regular basis. And she laughed. Jacques could get her laughing easily every day. He loved to laugh and she laughed with him. Then she decided that it was time for her to move back home. I arranged for people to stay with her and drove to see her and take care of things a few times a week. She finally was at peace because she knew the time was short until as she believed, she would be with Daddy and her mother again.

Reflecting now, I wish I could have done something more to bring her joy. She had visits from her minister and friends and her sister, but she just wasn’t happy living without Daddy. She is a big part of my inspiration to do the work I do now, helping others to deal with their grief in a way that will lead them to find joy and happiness in their lives. If you see yourself in my mother, please reach out. Know that you can have peace and joy in your life again. And if you see yourself in me as I dealt with my mother, do something about it.  I realize now that I was not dealing with my own grief and become tangled in the overwhelming busyness of trying to take care of everyone else. Spend time with loved ones. Find things to do that bring you joy. And most of all, take care of and love yourself.

My Last Kiss

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I remember clearly the last time I kissed Ron as he transitioned. I knew he was gone when no energy was exchanged between us. I was simply kissing what was already the memory of my love. Songs and poems are written about the bliss of a first kiss, but people rarely discuss the last one.

In grief people easily talk about missing holding hands and physical closeness, but sex tends to be taboo. This is unfortunate because the loss of deep intimacy commonly affects those of us who have lost a partner.  Popping us when you see someone kiss on television, or when you smell a fragrance reminding you of lost moments, or when you see a happy couple walking hand in hand, your reaction can range from tears to depression.

What can you do? First, recognize that what you are feeling is normal and should be expected.  If you have someone you can talk to about what you are feeling, then talk.  Don’t let fear or embarrassment get in your way. I imagine most of us may have a hard time starting that conversation though. I turn to my journal where there is no judgement.  I can express what I am feeling and explore what they mean to me. Pour your heart out to your journal and see where that leads.

A word of caution here is to not jump into bed with the first person you run into who is willing.  I know that sounds bold, but it isn’t uncommon.  Our libido is strong and can drive us to the arms of a stranger, but that can lead to complications when it’s over.  When the only sex you have been having has been with someone you love deeply, you might equate a sexual encounter with that love leading to feelings ranging from guilt to desperation. If you do choose to have casual sex, be sure your eyes are open.

After Jacques died, I was so lonely. I found myself imagining someone coming along to make me feel feminine and sooth my soul.  A friend called me and said he knew how hard it could be to go places alone, so that if I ever wanted a companion, he was available. I took him up on it, and when I needed a plus one or just didn’t want to go someplace alone, he was there for me. What came up for me that I didn’t expect was people talking about me, even when I could overhear what they were saying.  The gist of the unkind words was that it was too early for me to be dating and that I must have been glad my husband died so that I could move on. Yes, they really did say that. People can be so thoughtless and hurtful. I chose not to go out with anyone else at that time, though this kind man still remains my friend.

What you do with your body is only up to you to decide.  While other people’s opinions really don’t matter, they can affect what you decide.  I decided that my life didn’t need to be fodder for gossip, so it took me a long time to realize I did want to be with someone again.  I discovered that what I wanted most in life was to love and be loved, so that eliminated casual relationships for me.

When I met Ron, I was immediately smitten.  Yet I had difficulty dealing with the fact that though wedding vows say till death do you part, I didn’t feel unmarried, and I had to deal with that.  One night we were standing in the parking lot of the restaurant where we just had a flirty, luscious meal and talked for hours, and he looked into my eyes and said, “I am going to kiss you now.” That perfect soft and loving kiss was perfect and started our commitment to each other.

From our first kiss to our last, I had no desire to be with anyone but him.  Our love life was what he called our Sacred Energy eXchange and was perfect. Because of that, I can’t imagine ever being with anyone else, but I do still find myself longing for that perfect kiss, that physical closeness.  I don’t know where I will go from here, but I do know I will take good care of myself in the process, feeling and honoring the sexuality that doesn’t end with the death in a relationship. And it’s OK, and it’s nobody else’s business.