The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Happiness

Surrender to What Is

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Are you upset, angry, frustrated, or depressed about the pandemic and the way it is being dealt with in our country? Let me ask you, do any of those emotions serve you?  When you are spending time with emotions that aren’t doing anything to make your life and the lives of others better in some way, why using your precious time in that way?

I understand that everything is not as we would love it to be at this point, so why not do something about it?  For instance, if you are upset or angry about how the government is dealing with the whole pandemic or any part of it, get out your journal.  Make a list of each thing someone else is doing that you feel is wrong.  Write it all down. Don’t stop writing until you have covered everything that ticks you off. When you finish your list, take a breath, or a few. Relax and release all that negativity from your consciousness.

Now, choose one item on that list to focus on.  How can you, just you, make a difference in whatever it is.  For instance, if you are frustrated that when you arrive at the grocery store, people aren’t wearing masks there or don’t keep their social distance, go to another store where they do.

I had to buy groceries yesterday. I haven’t been out in five weeks to do that and our cupboards were pretty bare.  Usually on Maui the traffic is a dream compared to the mainland.  The speed limits are lower and the drivers courteous.  Yesterday was crazy. People were speeding and dangerously cutting in and out of traffic.  I was going the speed limit and keeping appropriate distances, but lots of the drivers weren’t.  I decided to stay in the slow lane and practice good driving.  There is no way I could know if someone wasn’t rushing their passenger to the hospital, or someone was having a baby, or they were trying to get to a loved one who was dying. Getting angry with the crazy drivers would only make me upset and make my driving worse. I recognized that this was an anomaly and wished those anxious drivers well.

Another issue we are dealing with now is a lack of integrity or a lack of essential information being disseminated.  We could get angry and complain about this, but that wouldn’t serve us. What we can do is only pay attention to reliable resources and ignore the rest.  And find ways to deal positively with the situation we are in.  My neighbors left a beautiful arrangement of flowers from their yard on my doorstep. Another neighbor always picks up prescriptions when I need them.  We all call each other when we go to buy groceries to see if anything is needed.  Find positive, creative things to do to make where you are staying right now the best it can be.

I love that saying about making lemons into lemonade. When you start feeling yourself being drawn into the negativity, actively do something right then to change what you need to, like turn the television off. Focus on all the joy, beauty, wonder, and love we all can share. Only speak positively.  When you surrender to what is, make it be love.

Coincidence?

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Do you sometimes have an intense yearning to be with your loved one? I know I do. I’ve been wanting to be able to talk to him about all the results of the pandemic, just to hear his voice and his wisdom.  Before I go to sleep at night, I think about him hoping he’ll be in my dreams, but that’s only happened a couple of times.  Last week, my mind kept drifting back to him. Then, as I was watching television, our song came on as part of the show.

I remember the night when we discovered our song.  Be had been talking in bed, about to go to sleep, when he suddenly remembered he had something he wanted me to listen to. He retrieved his tape recorder (that’s how long ago it was!) and played for me Stevie Wonder’s song “As.”  Listening to the words together, we both knew it was our song. I always smile and feel good when I hear it, and the words will run through my mind for days.

The next night, a friend of ours who is intuitive texted me.  I hadn’t heard from her in a very long time. She said she had a message for me from Ron that everything was all right. Interesting, because she couldn’t have known that I had been saying and writing “all is well” for days, and I thought nobody knew that but me. The next night I was watching a different show on television, and there it was again. They were playing “As” as part of the show.

Another friend of ours who is a psychic called.  Now, I don’t have very many friends who identify as being intuitive or psychic, and I hadn’t talked to this friend in probably a year. She said that Ron is watching over me right now and knowing “all is well.”

For all these things to have happened over four days, there has to be something to this.  Ron used to tell me that I am a powerful manifest-er.  I hadn’t realized that until I started reflecting on my life.  I discovered example after example of times that I would create things out of what seemed to be thin air.  For my first book, a book representative from a publishing company came to my office at the university to sell me a book to use in my class, and I told him that the book I wanted to use hadn’t been written yet.  He asked me what it was, and I described it to him. He loved the idea which led to a bidding war between two companies for my first book contract.  Before he asked me, I hadn’t even thought about writing a book.

My first house, awards I have won, my live theatre, my art gallery, and my café all had similar starts.  I would think, wouldn’t it be wonderful to have or do something, and there it was with little initial effort on my part.  I see that my desire to be with Ron is manifesting itself in the way it can under the circumstances.  The manifestation comes as a feeling in my heart, a comfort in my being, a joy in my soul.

Those things that happened, the messages and the music, happened for a reason, not as a coincidence.  I realize that when something is meant to be, I don’t need to wish and hope for it. What I do is know that it is already there or already done. All I have to do is open my eyes and heart and see it and feel it my soul to experience it.  All is well.

 

Want a sneak Peek of my new book Loving and Living Your Way Through Greif? Click here!

 

International Women’s Day

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“International Women’s Day is a global day celebrating the social, economic, cultural, and political achievements of women. The day also marks a call to action for accelerating women’s equality.  The first International Women’s Day was in 1911.”

https://www.internationalwomensday.com

I see this day as a day to celebrate each of us individually for the impact we have made in the world.  In my lifetime, I have won many awards, earned many degrees, and written four books, but I see my impact in ways I have served other people. All service starts with individual acts, and much or most of what you do is service. I am listing some of the ways I have served others to encourage you to reflect on all the service you have done which impacts all of society.

I have been a wife. In this role, I have created a living home environment and demonstrated what a wonderful relationship looks like. I also cared for two husbands for two years each though the process of living fully until they died.

I have been a mother. In this role I raised two amazing, brilliant, talented children and have loved five stepchildren. The nurturing role of being a mother is a creative feat to be admired.

I have been a daughter and daughter-in-law. In these roles I have been nurtured by loving parents and inspired by their examples. I also was able to serve them especially in their late years.

I have been a nurse, scrub tech, and EMT. In these roles I cared for many patients and provided much teaching on how to be healthy.

I have been a teacher in many fields. In this role I have taught swimming, childbirth education, nursing assistants, writing, communications, theatre, weaving, vegan cooking, and writing through grief.

I have been a business owner. In that role I have provided arts education for children, healthy food from my café and catering company, art shows in my gallery, entertainment in my theatre, life-saving and emergency transportation from my ambulance company, and housing for friends.

I have been a public servant. In that role I serving on the Bakersfield Californian Editorial Board, served on the Kern Medical Center Ethics Committee, served as President of the Bakersfield Chapter of the American Association of University Women,  served as class president of my nursing class, served on the Democratic Central Committee in Kern County, served on the Dorian Society board, served on the board of the after school program for the Greenfield School District, was a member of Ventura County Pitter’s Guild, am a life member of the Veterans of Foreign Wars Auxiliary, and more.

I am an artist. In this role I have in theatre acted, directed, designed costumes, make-up, and sets. I have also sewn, quilted, weaved, painted, drawn, and created ceramics.

I facilitate groups in my home. In this role I host an intention setting circle, a writing through grief group, and a produce share where our neighbors bring the abundance from their gardens.

I am a writer. In this role I have written four books. My most recent book, Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief, will be available later this year.

As you can see, everything I do is basically in service of others.  I’ll bet most of what you do serves others too.  I encourage you to write in your journal a list of all the ways you serve. I am sure you have done much more than you realize, and you will be amazed at what you discover. And this Sunday, March 8, celebrate you and/or the women you know for all the things they do to make this world a better, more loving, peaceful place. I’ll be celebrating with you!

 

An equal world is an enabled world.

#IWD2020 #EachforEqual

Look Up

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Have you noticed an apparent obsession with screen time that people have? In restaurants, look around and see how many cell phones you see? I don’t use my cell phone while walking on sidewalks because it seems like everyone else is, and I prefer not to get bumped into. And in movie theatres, even though they announce to please not use your cell phones, you can always see screens glowing during movies.  All this preoccupation with screens has led me to make a decision to be mindful of when I use my devices.

When I am with someone, I put my device away. I look at people who are speaking to me, and I look in the eyes of the person I am speaking too.  Saying this seems odd since BCP (before cell phones), this is how people communicated, but often now, this doesn’t happen. And it’s not only looking at people, it is hearing too. Little white pods seem to be growing out of everyone’s ears. The gym I go to plays good work out music, yet still most people there have their listening devices firmly in their ears listening to something else. What’s happening is we are becoming a society of isolated people.

In life, communicating with other people is vital. When I see children splashing in the waves or the mud and laughing, they are living their lives full out, enjoying the experience. When I see them in a restaurant with their families glued to their games, they are missing out on the experience of getting to know their loved ones, and most often, there is a blank expression on their faces. And people take so many pictures and selfies, that they don’t see anything beyond their screens. We seem to be trying to hypnotize ourselves.

To bring more joy, laughter, and love into your life, try looking up. Make eye contact, smile, talk to people. Keep your phone in your pocket for when you actually need it. Find ways to experience life instead of avoiding it. I feel so much better when I am actually connected with people and enjoying the beauty all around me. I encourage you to be mindful with what you choose to do, and experience the wonderful results that can make your life sweeter.

Grateful for My Love

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Valentine’s Day is always a tough one.  Everywhere I look I see hearts, flowers, and diamonds. People are smiling and holding hands, and here I sit trying to remember what it felt like to be kissed.  When I realized what I was doing, I decided I had better shift my focus, so I started remembering the Valentines of days past.

I never wanted to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day because I always imagined it would be crowded, but on our first Valentine’s, Ron showed up and wanted to take me out to dinner. We walked to one of our favorite places, and we happened to be the first ones there so not having reservations was not a problem. And he brought me a beautiful necklace that had two hearts, overlapping. One was silver and the other gold. A perfect representation of us. We had a wonderful evening with dessert back at my place after dinner.

Thinking about that sweet experience, I started to recall things I was grateful about both Ron and Jacques. And I started writing them down.  I always write what I am grateful for every day, but this was different. I intentionally wrote about the sweet romantic things my husbands did that remind me of how very much they loved me.  I wrote, and wrote, and wrote.

I recalled how when Jacques and I got married, I made my dress and he didn’t get to see it before the wedding. We got married at his house.  Everyone was gathered in the living room, and he came to the bedroom to get me when it was time to start the wedding. He was so entranced by the dress, that he came in to look at it and all the little details till the minister came to get us, and everyone laughed.

One year I purchased a little black journal with red hearts on it for Ron. And I filled it up with 100 examples of one thing on each page that was a reason I loved him and was grateful for him.  Once I started writing it, I had no problem filling up the book. I still have that book and can open it every once in a while, when I am missing him.

Once I started writing just beautiful things about my loves and wonderful experiences we had, I couldn’t help but smile. This Valentine’s Day try making a list of things you are grateful about for about your loved one.  It doesn’t have to be a husband. Write about your mother, your son, you’re your friend, your special pet: anyone you miss.  Smile as you write and feel the comforting presence of their love.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Wabi-Sabi and Grief

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Wabi-Sabi is the Japanese aesthetic of finding the beauty of imperfection.  Grief is like this. There is nothing perfect about grief. Grief goes all over the place with highs and lows and unexpected sharp turns and cliffs. Yet grief also has the beauty of precious memories, the coming together of family and friends, and the peace of relief when we catch our breath.

A roller-coaster is akin to the Wabi-Sabi of grief. While if you step back to look at a roller coaster, it may seem chaotic a messy. Creating a roller coaster actually takes years of thought and effort to design. Things like safety and thrills as well as what makes a new roller coaster bigger, better, and faster are all considered to create a carefully crafted, perfectly operating machine. And when the roller coaster ceases to function, a great deal of work is required to take it apart. The relationship you had with your loved one also took a long time to build and perfect, and it was likely filled with twists and turns and will take a long time and effort to shift when transition comes.

As your relationship grew with your loved one, your path was not always straight. Chances are it ranged from blue skies and butterflies, to passion and deep love, to occasional hick-ups bringing disagreements or resentment, but overall, it was pretty wonderful and definitely had thrills at times, just like that roller coaster.  The last time I was on a roller coaster, I experienced an overwhelming need to stand up right in the middle of the ride and just get off. This all could be included in the experience of grief. There are high and lows. Sometimes it goes so fast that you can’t catch your breath, while other times you can escape into the depths of meditation for a brief period of respite. And you always wish to somehow get off, to have the grief to not be happening or have it be over.

Looking at your grief from the perspective of Wabi-Sabi where you know that grief is not a straight line from point A to point B, will allow you to recognize that all of the experiences are part of a whole, big experience. Each part is a simple part, not the whole thing. If you collapse into tears, the tears will not flow forever. If your feel isolated, the aloneness won’t last forever. Look at each experience as just part of a some-what messy or imperfect Wabi-Sabi whole. Experience the sadness that you need to. Cry the tears that you need to. Spend time alone when you need to. And also remember the joys of the times you spent together. The smile of your loved one. The depths of your love. Eventually the high points and beauty of the experience will be much more and last longer than the low points. You have that to look forward to as you do the rest of your life. Instead of focusing on the negativity of this imperfect part of your life, focus on the beauty of the imperfection.

When I taught basket weaving, some students would come to learn how to make a perfect basket. But I taught my students how to allow the process of responding to the materials being used to allow the basket to become a unique, imperfect work of art. The picture I include here is an example of a basket I wove. Allow your grief to become that work of art that is perfect in its imperfection.

 

Reclaiming Your Joy After Loss