The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Happiness

Creating Community

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Sharon and I shared a similar experience in that we moved with our husbands to Maui only to have them die not long after we arrived. While Maui is beautiful, it is one of the most isolated places in the world to live. So both of us discovered ways to meet people and get involved in our community which has brought us joy and a sense of belonging. We love it here.

When Ron and I first moved into our home, our lawn was carpeted with fallen lilikoi, or passion fruit as some people call it. While I love the taste and fragrance of lilikoi, I had no idea what to do with so much of it. We also had lots of papayas and bananas. While this bounty of fresh tropical fruit was wonderful, we couldn’t begin to eat it all, and I couldn’t stand to see it go to waste. I discovered an app called Nextdoor.com where I could post things that my neighbors could read, so I used it to notify my neighbors that I had fruit to share. Every Friday afternoon from 4 to 5, I invite anyone who wants to come to share what they have from their gardens that is more than they can use. We have a regular following now who come very week as well as new people who come occasionally. We’ve developed our own little Ohana, the Hawaiian word for family. And we all have all the produce and eggs we can eat. I met Sharon there.

When Sharon moved to the island, she had the comfort she found from her church, but she was happy to meet new people. She spends lots of time in her big beautiful yard tending fruits and vegetables. At one point, she had quite an abundance of vegetables, so she decided to invite the people she had met so far to her home for a luncheon of a big batch of ratatouille. The food was luscious, and I made new friends there. She also was involved in the Maui Farmers Union United who is happy to have home gardeners involved, so she invited me to their meetings. I loved this group and joined to go to their monthly potlucks and learn all about food farming on the island. And I also discovered Neil and Elena there, part of our Produce Share family.

Monday Sharon did another pop-up luncheon, this time with both green and red gazpacho due to an abundance of tomatoes and avocados. Yum! And served with new friends!

Recently Shena invited me to an Intention Circle. A new experience for me, a group of eight people gather to listen to each other’s intentions and meditate considering them and supporting each other. It was a powerful gathering, and the best part was I met eight new friends! I have discovered that in order to meet people and have wonderful experiences on Maui, I just need to be creative and to say yes when invited to new experiences. Often in grief we tend to isolate ourselves or cocoon, and that is OK. But when we are ready, saying yes to the experience of life can support us in ways we haven’t dreamed of before. You can create your own event or experience, and you can accept invitations and try new things. Try it. You’ll be so glad you did.

 

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Surrendering

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We hold on so tight to our beliefs and our possessions, yet sometimes holding on actually builds resistance in a way that prevents forward movement. Can you think of a way that holding on is affecting you?

Ron and I had a home in Ventura, California. We were a mile from the beach, we could easily walk to stores and restaurants, we were surrounded by friends, and we had a huge yard to garden in and with lots of avocado trees. I thought this was our forever home. We traveled to Europe, Central America, and South America, but we mostly traveled to Maui. Ron had lived on Maui many years before, and I knew he loved Maui.

On a visit to Maui he suggested that we move here. Immediately I panicked. What about all my friends and family? What about our wonderful home? And at the same moment, I knew Ron wanted to spend his last days on Maui, so I said yes. I had no idea what I was in for. We easily found a place to buy on Maui and quickly sold our Ventura home for an amazing profit that allowed our move to happen with ease and grace.

The process of this move showed me how much stuff we had accumulated. Our Ventura home was about double the size of our new Maui home, and it was full. How was I going to live not only without the home I loved, but also without all our stuff? And to top it off, Ron’s health was getting progressively worse, so basically, he watched while I packed. With each item I packed, I considered if I really wanted to ship whatever it was across the ocean. Did I really need or even want it?

Friends came to help me pack, and I was grateful to give things to them. Somehow knowing that someone I loved would have something I had considered precious eased the pain. And it felt so good to give things away. We also had a garage sale the turned into a joyous party with all our friends complete with the Bloody Mary’s Chappy brought.  We made over $3,000 dollars, so we really got rid of lots of stuff. And of course, I was giving more things away to my friends. When we still had stuff left and it was time to close, Rose made a big FREE sign, and it all disappeared.

After we arrived in Maui, we waited 6 weeks before our belongings arrived since they had to be transported by ship. During that time, we barrowed two chairs, we bought a fold up table and a blow-up mattress, and we essentially camped out in our new home. I was amazed, but it actually felt good not to be weighed down by all the stuff. During that time, we talked about what we needed to be comfortable, and when our container arrived, we ended up getting rid of much more stuff.

The whole experience of downsizing and moving across the ocean enabled me to see what was important. For Ron and me, it was the time we got to spend together. If that was affected by “stuff,” we let that stuff go. We spent our time mostly sitting on our lanai (Hawaiian for patio or porch), listening to the birds, watching the butterflies and clouds, and telling each other stories of love. We realized that all we really needed was those two borrowed chairs and a blow-up mattress.

Since Ron’s transition, I haven’t accumulated much more. I have collected a little Hawaiian art, and I have decorated my home with artwork I have created. And I have added items to my pantry in order to be creative with preparing a healthy diet. I have surrendered all that no longer serves me. Whenever I notice something I know longer need, I ask myself if there is someone I know who could use whatever it is. If not, I pass it on to the women’s shelter or the Salvation Army.

I feel so much lighter, like I have lost the weight of the world, or at least of my earthly possessions. And I am grateful for this lesson. What can you surrender?

 

Take a class with me!

Are you creative?

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Everybody is creative. Think about that. What do you create? What do you want to create? I’ve spent my life creating things without really thinking about it. I’ve created a family (with help from my family members of course!) I’ve created  the books I’ve written. I’ve created groups to learn new things. I’ve created costume, set, and make-up designs for the theatre. I’ve created quilts and ceramic sculptures.  But I never thought I could draw. 

In an effort to learn something new, I decided to take a drawing class, and I was amazed. The gifted teacher took us step by step through the process of drawing birds. And my birds were beautiful. They really looked like birds. And though the drawings of each of the class members were really different, they all looked like the birds we drew.

This class was so good for me. The time flew by in class. I was shocked when it was over so soon because I had been completely absorbed in what I was doing. I was relaxed and invigorated at the same time. I was looking forward to drawing more.

This time I spent being creative renewed and freshed my spirits. I was smiling, and just thinking about the class makes me smile more. I’ve taken two more classes from this teacher. This weekend I learned to draw canoe plants which are plants that were brought by canoes to the Hawaiian islands. 

What I learned from taking these drawing classes is that I had always had the gift of being able to draw. I saw how I was guided by a skillful teacher, but what I created was drawn by me. I recognized how good it feels to get totally absorbed into making something beautiful. While drawing, I had no cares or worries. I just felt great. 

Now whenever I look at my drawings I hung on my wall, I smile, I take a deep breath, and I know that whenever I could use a boost, some cheering up, all I have to do is get out a pencil and paper and sit outside to be inspired by nature.

What do you do to be creative? 

The Music of Your Heart

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When dealing with loss, we often find ourselves sitting alone. In this space, it is easy to start slipping down into sadness, missing the one we lost.

If I start to arrive at that spot, there are a couple of things I may do. First, in the silence of sitting alone, meditation can bring you peace. In this instance, I become still, close my eyes, and focus on my breath. Really concentrate on your breathing both in and out. Try slowing it down as you focus until you reach a place where you are still and your mind is clear. Maintain this clearness by that focus on your breath. This can bring a great sense of calm.

People have told me that their challenge in meditating comes from that voice in their head trying to convince them that they can’t meditate. Their minds are too busy. If this happens to you, find music that you can focus on to eliminate the space for that annoying voice to bother you. Many apps are available for your phone, or you can search on something like Pandora, Spotify, or Apple Music for music for meditation. I especially like crystal bowls and gongs, and I also love particular Baroque music like Bach’s Air in a G String.

I find such peace and beauty in music that it can calm me down and allow me to rest. I listen when a beautiful, peaceful song is played around me or finds its way into my mind. I feel it as a signal that I need to slow down, focus, and pay attention to what it is trying to tell me.  If it’s Bach, I feel close to Jacques. If it’s a beautiful, slow jazz number, I think of Ron.

I encourage you to put on the music that suits you best, sit, relax, clear your mind, and just experience that blissful peace for a while. You’ll be so glad you did.

 

Check of the meditation music on my YouTube Channel. I can listen to it all day!

Who cares who is watching?

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When I was growing up, I was always doing things to impress my parents, to see if they were watching. Most times they didn’t. After I left home, I would do things to impress my husband to see if he was watching, but generally he wasn’t impressed. Then I started doing things that I could share to impress people at my class reunions, but they didn’t care much either. When I married Jacques, he did notice what I did and shared with me how much he appreciated me. I knew he was watching, and that was a much more positive inspiration to do good things.

After Jacques died, I began to feel like everybody was watching me, wondering what I would do next, afraid to get too close for fear of dealing with the subject of death. I felt like everyone was judging me, waiting to see if I was being a good widow. I know how absurd that sounds, but in grief, we aren’t always rational. I recall one time when a gentleman friend offered to accompany me to an event I didn’t want to attend alone, not as a date but as a friend. I actually heard people say that it was much too soon for me to be dating. I guess widows are just supposed to stay home and grieve forever.

As I reflected on all this, I realized that what I did or said was no one else’s business, just as what they said or did was not my business. I realized I was judging them, and they were judging me. That hit me hard. As I journaled and meditated about that, I realized that the most important thing for me to do at that time was to release all judgment, my judgment of anyone as well as my judgment of myself. And I did. And it felt like a miracle happened. Every time I felt myself start to slip, I would smile and recognize that I didn’t need to judge, and I didn’t need to pay attention to judgement, so I just focused on what was positive instead. I would forgive myself and move forward. It took a little time, but the more I released, the lighter I felt.

I now live in a judgement free zone. I focus on what is beautiful and good, on what is positive and filled with joy. I only pay attention to what I love about others, about me, and whatever happens. And my life is pretty fabulous. I encourage you to examine your thinking. Do you spend your time on the negative or the positive? I guarantee, the more positive you are, the more wonder and joy will discover.

 

Take a class with me!

Change Your World!

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I read a short book today named A Pocket Guide to Gratitude by one of our Reclaiming Your Joy After Loss group members, Karen Schaal.  It reminded me of my journey with gratitude that I thought I will share with you. Reflecting now, I can see clearly the division in my life from before I really started practicing gratitude to when I adopted a practice of focusing on gratitude every day.

My life was good. I was married to Jacques, a kind, brilliant, loving man, was involved in my community, and I loved what I was doing with my life. Then I had the opportunity to support him through the last two years of his life. Then I was alone. My attitude was negative. I was lonely. I didn’t know what to do with myself, so I mostly felt sorry for me. None of that was helping me at all, but I didn’t see it at the time. I was inspired to write a list of things I was grateful for after watching the move The Secret. I was hesitant at first with my negative attitude trying to convince me I didn’t have anything to be grateful for. Surprisingly, I discovered I had lots to be grateful for. The more items I wrote on my list, the more grateful I became, and the more things I thought of to be grateful for.

Soon I realized that I was thanking people all the time. I was smiling more than I had in years, and my attitude had mostly switched to positive. I did learn to pay attention when I would automatically react with a knee-jerk negative thought, but as I paid attention to this, it happened less and less. I have continued my gratitude practice for 12 years now and it grows stronger all the time. Reading that book today, it really hit me that I am such a different person than I was before. I focus on the good, on reaching out, and on being grateful for every moment making every moment something to be grateful for.

Recognizing what you are grateful for can’t help but make you smile. And all those smiles bring so much positivity into your life. I encourage you to focus on what you are grateful in your life. One way you can do this is by “Flipping the script.” What I mean by this is to notice when you start drifting into negativity. For instance, you might say “I have nothing to be grateful for since my loved one died, and I am alone.” Yes, that is sad, but you can find something positive by saying, “I am grateful for all the years, the moments I had with my loved one.” Or “I am grateful for the wonderful conversations we had.” Thinking those thoughts with a positive attitude can bring you a smile. And you will discover things to actively do to bring more smiles based on those thoughts. You could invite a friend for a cup of tea or glass of wine and have a lovely conversation. Or you could spend some time with a friend or family member doing something that brings you both joy.

You can feel so much better when you focus on all the good in your life instead of on the negative. I encourage you to write down 5 things you are grateful for right now in this moment. Then see how good it feels. Then keep up the practice. You’ll be so glad you do!

 

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