The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Health

Kale and Caramel and Lily

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My good friend was talking a walk (a few weeks ago when we could) when she ran into a friend on her way. Walking on Maui is such a wonderful experience as everything is verdant, tropical, and fresh, and the trades winds are gently blowing. Gazing across the water to other islands is breathtaking. Encountering a friend is more the norm than the exception. This morning, Robin ran into Lily Diamond, blogger, author, and natural beauty. In catching up, Lily told Robin about the cookbook she wrote in dealing with her grief for her mother. I was fascinated by what Robin told me about Lily, so I went to her website and bought her cookbook: Kale and Caramel.

Lily moved to Maui when she was two and lived here until she went off to Yale for college. Her family lived immersed in the natural lifestyle of the island.  Her mother, an herbalist and aromatherapist, raised Lily by teaching her a love of nature and living, spending time in long walks learning all about the plants they encountered. Lily fully embraces all five senses in how she lives with aroma, sight, touch, sound, all as important as flavor. After Lily graduated from college, her mother was diagnosed with cancer and she returned to Maui to help her father care for her.

In dealing with her grief after her mother died, Lily wrote a beautiful cookbook sharing her mother’s healing teaching of the synthesis of flowers and herbs with food to nourish us inside and out. Kale and Caramel is gorgeous. Both reading the book and experiencing the beauty of the pictures makes your mouth water and your heart soften.  In her book, she says:

“It is said that the mind will only truly change when it grows so weary of itself it cannot stand to repeat its machinations even one more moment. And so it was with me. The heavier the grief weighed on me, the more I wanted to be free. For years, I let grief subsume me in its shadowy net, allowed feeling to run through me like water.”

Finally, “What came when I stopped long was being, pure and wild. Being with food that nourished me. Being with plants and flowers that healed by virtue of their very existence, their wildness. Being, no matter how much my heart hurt.”

Kale and Caramel is a cookbook I actually read. I feel my body relax and my breathing slow as I give in to its beauty and life, inspiring me to only eat what serves me, to smell what enlivens or relaxes me, and to live my very best life. Lily celebrates her mother as well as what she learned from her. I highly recommend that go to her website, read her blog, and enjoy her cookbook.

I celebrated by husbands by writing my book, Loving and Living Your Way Through grief. What can you do to create lasting memories of the best qualities of your loved one? Explore your creativity and see what you are inspired to do, then create that tribute, whatever it may be.  I would love for you to share your journey on your way.

 

Kale and Caramel

Grief in the time of Covid 19

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In dealing with my own grief after two husbands died, I discovered that helping others deal with grief gave me a sense of purpose. I wrote a book, created a writing through grief program I held at my home, facilitated a Death Café, and created a social media platform to help people take care of themselves through their grieving and see what is still positive in their lives. Then Covid 19 descended on the world.  I immediately put my Writing Through Grief with Emily into a private Facebook group that people can join without any payment since being in touch with others is vital especially during this period of isolation. Yet I wanted to do more, so I wrote this blog to give you some perspective on the grief that we all are dealing with now.

Up until now, we all grieved for something at some point is our lives, but we tended to keep our grief to ourselves or to share it with others who were also grieving. Those not grieving tended to shy away from those who were so that the grief or loss would not somehow rub off on them. But now we are all in the same experience of grief though on different levels. What we do know is that anxiety over Corona Virus 19 is affecting everyone, and we are all grieving.

What is happening, and what can we do?

Everyone in the world is dealing with some kind of loss even if it isn’t death

  • Weddings have been postponed as well as romantic honeymoons that were already paid for
  • Students were supposed to graduate from high schools and universities and walk across the stage to receive their diplomas won’t have that opportunity
  • The vacation cruise of a lifetime ended in the horror of quarantine, a sick crew, and rotten food as well as exposer to the virus or even becoming sick with the virus
  • Grandparents are not able to travel to be with their children as their grandchildren are born
  • Jobs and income have suddenly disappeared for so many who are ill prepared
  • People who were in the process of moving to a new home can’t.
  • People who were not home when the “stay at home orders” were issued and now can’t return to their families and homes
  • Businesses have had to close and face financial ruin
  • Loss of things are no longer possible, like when a partner dies, they won’t be having children or growing old together.

These issues and many more are all reasons to grieve. And everyone will deal with their grief in their own way.  The key here is to recognize your grief, and the grief of your loved ones, and support each other through it.

 

Symptoms of Grief

What you are experiencing right now may not be what you think of as grief, so here are some things to observe:

  • Are you worried or anxious? What are you worried about? Your concern could be being able to get food, to pay your bills, to be safe where you are staying.
  • Are you concerned about friends are relatives who are in the health care field or first responders?
  • Are you worried because you don’t know how long the stay at home orders will last and worried about how this will affect all of your life?
  • Are you drinking too much or taking drugs to numb the pain?
  • Are you ignoring the stay at home orders so that you can go out and exercise or visit friends?
  • Are you sad that you can’t be with a loved one who is hospitalized or that you can’t adequately care for a loved one who is sick at home?
  • If a loved one dies, are you not able to be with them or say goodbye before they die? Are you concerned about what will happen for a funeral or burial or cremation?
  • Are you sleeping constantly or having trouble sleeping?
  • Are you eating too much or are you forgetting to eat?
  • Are you worried about anything you don’t have control over?

All of these things and more can be happening now, and if they do, what can you do if you recognize these are feeling you have, or you see someone you care about dealing with experiences like these?

Even though Jacques, my first husband to die, had been ill for two years, we didn’t talk about him inevitably dying and I was ill prepared.  When Ron, my second husband to die, became ill, we talked about it because I didn’t want things to be as bad as they were before.  We agreed that living in the moment was the most important things for us to do. We couldn’t change the past or know the future, so we focused on each moment.  In those moments, we made sure everything was taken care of that needed to be, like finances, trusts, and having a durable power of attorney for health care. Having these things settled gave us peace of mind so that we could focus on loving each other and saying everything we wanted to say to each other.  He also made a special effort to contact everyone he wanted to say goodbye to and visited with them in person or by facetime. When the time came, everything was filled with love and peaceful.

In the conditions we are facing today, being prepared is likely to be more challenging. Start by making a list of all you are concerned about whatever your situation is now. Then go through that list and prioritize what is on it.  If you aren’t getting enough to eat, put “find a way to obtain enough food” at the top of your list. After you prioritize your list, address each item. If you are with someone while you are staying inside, wherever that may be, do this together.  For instance, I found a small local grocery store that encourages you to email them your grocery list, they check availability and get back to you. When your list is settled, you pay by credit card and drive to the store.  They will look out for your car and bring your groceries to the car. And some places will deliver to you. I just signed up to get a box of fresh vegetables delivered each week from a local farm.

Address each item on your list with what action you will take.  There may be some items that you can’t do or fix or control, like you can’t go on the vacation you planed, or you can’t visit your loved on in the hospital. For items like these, recognize that the outcome is out of your control and release them. That may be a challenge to do, but worrying over it or being sad about it really doesn’t serve you, and right now what you need to focus on what you can do and have.

What else can you do?

  • Stay in the present moment. We can’t do anything about what is past, and things are changing so rapidly, we can’t anticipate the future.
  • Speak only the truth. Your integrity can help keep you strong.
  • Acknowledge your grief and the grief of others around you.
  • Don’t judge any one else’s grief. We each have to handle it in our own way.
  • Practice compassion for everyone in whatever circumstance they are dealing with
  • Donate what you can to who or what you feel most strongly about.
  • Create virtual parties on Facebook or Zoom with friends to celebrate what is positive.
  • Create a virtual memorial or fundraiser for someone you know who has died and won’t be having a funeral.
  • Join a virtual grief group.
  • Explore your spirituality or religion. How can you find comfort there?
  • Rage and scream and cry if you need to, but don’t direct it at whoever you are staying with. And don’t stay in a negative place. After you have let it all out, take a breath and get focused on what you can do.
  • Listen to others who need to talk. Really listen without interrupting and without judgement. You can take your turn to talk to, but express feelings one person at a time.
  • Do something positive for medical personal and first responders. Be creative.
  • Write letters to those you know who die in the process of this pandemic. Especially when you don’t have a chance to say goodbye, express your feelings in writing. I keep a notebook just to write letters to Ron. Sometimes, I even write a letter back to me from him. This helps.
  • Write poetry, songs or journal entries expressing all your feelings. Write about your happy memories.
  • Stay open to joy. Everything is not all bad. Find things to smile about and enjoy. I write in my journal every day something that brought me joy.

Remember to take good care of yourself during all this madness. Eat well. Do what exercise you can. There are lots of exercise programs and yoga programs on YouTube that you can do at home. Keep clean.  Keep where you are staying clean. Meditate.

And take a deep breath. You’ve got this.  We are all in it together and here to help each other through whatever happens.

 

Contact Emily Thiroux Threatt

Email: emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com

My web site:

https://lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com/

Facebook: Writing Through Grief With Emily: https://www.facebook.com/groups/2869332503181276/

Facebook: Reclaiming Your Joy After Loss

https://www.facebook.com/groups/ReclaimingYourJoyAfterLoss/permalink/871295139998225/

Instagram: emily_thiroux_threatt

Twitter: @ThreattEmily

Emily’s classes on grief and writing: https://www.reclaimingyourjoywithemily.com/

It’s The End of the World as We Know It

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This is a guest post.  My friend Sophia Leva-Marie wrote this post and it so resonated with me that I asked her if I could share it with you.  I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

 

It’s the End of the World As We Know It 

 

That chorus was definitely running through my mind as my call rang through to my client from Seattle.  From empty streets to bare cupboards, children at home ALL of the time, travel bans, and sequestered Italians singing from their balconies, it is a new world.

Though I’ve never watched it, Survivor has been a popular tv show for years.  The question of, if you were marooned on a desert island, what would be important.  Frankly, I never got past my first answer – conditioner.  Now, here I am.  Living on the island of Maui, watching a global shutdown, days away from being told to stay in our homes, and conditioner – still a thing!

However, I’ve come up with another MUST HAVE – the understanding of Universal Law.  Because Universal Law is not susceptible to the Coronavirus.

This is not about burying your head in the sand, Maui or otherwise.  Coronavirus is a real 3-D thing happening.  Go to the market and/or Amazon Prime and stock up – check.  Cancel upcoming travel – check.  Get clear on finances – check.  Ask our bodies what other supplements or nutrition they need – check.

It’s not the time to panic though.  What it is time for is to KNOW that what you see is NOT all there is!

There are Universal Laws that are operating – no matter what is happening!

Here are a few…

Just because you perceive it, doesn’t mean it’s yours…  We are super aware beings… of people globally, of what’s happening with the Earth, of the asteroids… all the things.  Just because you can feel it in your body, doesn’t mean it’s yours.  Return to sender, baby!

What you focus on, expands…  Has your eyesight dimmed and your head exploded from all of the Facebook, Instagram, and news posts?  You can ask to receive any energy or news you require, instead taking our global “time-out” to be with your loved ones, to write or paint or play?  We get to add to the frequency of fear or of love.  It’s always a choice.  What channel are you tuning into?

There is unlimited abundance… Your clients are not your source.  Your job is not your source.  Your investments are not your source.  Your bank account is not your source.  They are just channels – and they can change in a moment.  However, true abundance is unlimited.  It’s not dependent on or affected by a human, an event, a program, or a virus.  There are infinite channels of abundance from SOURCE – even, and especially now – desiring to come play with you.  Are you open to receiving them?

EVERYTHING is energy… We are the space between the molecules.  We are energy in motion.  Our physical bodies are comprised mostly of water.  And, your “diet” includes your food, your environment, your reading & watching material, the people you surround yourself with, etc.  Your diet feeds your cells.  Your cells vibrate.  Your vibration creates your reality.  What are you feeding your energy?

Ask AND receive… We get to ask AND receive.  One of the most powerful asks is “SHOW ME“.  Show me the abundance I am.  Universe, I ask that you surprise and delight me all day long.  Show me how this can turn out to be even better than I imagined.  Show me how I can thrive.  Show me how I can serve even more.  Show me how I can BE and receive more love.  There is also no difference in the size of what we ask.  Abraham Hicks says that it makes no difference to the Universe if we ask for a button or a castle.  What are you asking for?

We are limitless… Yes, we are having a human experience.  Yet, we are SO much more than that.  It’s been proven that we are, depending on which scientist you tap, more than 80-90% dark matter.  That is unknown, unlimited Universal potential.  We are made up of the same material as stars.  We also have Trillions of cells, each of them having power to fuel a city for months at a time.  We are SOOOOOOOO much more than we think we are.  What % of you are you actually BEing?

EVERYTHING happens for a reason…  Everything happens for us.  No matter how it looks, life always happens FOR us, not to us.  This virus is here to serve humanity.  I wonder how.

These are just a few of the Universal Laws that are present.  It is a balancing act, living in this time.  We get to be present with what we are experiencing, we get to choose how we react & what we focus on AND we get to know that this is not all that is happening.

Now is THE time.  Now is YOUR time.  It is time to EXPAND even more…  It is time to listen to our INTUITION even more… It is time to RECEIVE even more…  It is time to DEEPEN INTO JOY even more…  It is time to ACCESS YOUR DIVINITY even more… It is time for GRATITUDE even more…  It is time to BE LOVE even more…  It is time to OWN YOUR POWER even more…  Now that’s a virus worth catching!

 

Sofia Leva-Marie

Creating Community

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Sharon and I shared a similar experience in that we moved with our husbands to Maui only to have them die not long after we arrived. While Maui is beautiful, it is one of the most isolated places in the world to live. So both of us discovered ways to meet people and get involved in our community which has brought us joy and a sense of belonging. We love it here.

When Ron and I first moved into our home, our lawn was carpeted with fallen lilikoi, or passion fruit as some people call it. While I love the taste and fragrance of lilikoi, I had no idea what to do with so much of it. We also had lots of papayas and bananas. While this bounty of fresh tropical fruit was wonderful, we couldn’t begin to eat it all, and I couldn’t stand to see it go to waste. I discovered an app called Nextdoor.com where I could post things that my neighbors could read, so I used it to notify my neighbors that I had fruit to share. Every Friday afternoon from 4 to 5, I invite anyone who wants to come to share what they have from their gardens that is more than they can use. We have a regular following now who come very week as well as new people who come occasionally. We’ve developed our own little Ohana, the Hawaiian word for family. And we all have all the produce and eggs we can eat. I met Sharon there.

When Sharon moved to the island, she had the comfort she found from her church, but she was happy to meet new people. She spends lots of time in her big beautiful yard tending fruits and vegetables. At one point, she had quite an abundance of vegetables, so she decided to invite the people she had met so far to her home for a luncheon of a big batch of ratatouille. The food was luscious, and I made new friends there. She also was involved in the Maui Farmers Union United who is happy to have home gardeners involved, so she invited me to their meetings. I loved this group and joined to go to their monthly potlucks and learn all about food farming on the island. And I also discovered Neil and Elena there, part of our Produce Share family.

Monday Sharon did another pop-up luncheon, this time with both green and red gazpacho due to an abundance of tomatoes and avocados. Yum! And served with new friends!

Recently Shena invited me to an Intention Circle. A new experience for me, a group of eight people gather to listen to each other’s intentions and meditate considering them and supporting each other. It was a powerful gathering, and the best part was I met eight new friends! I have discovered that in order to meet people and have wonderful experiences on Maui, I just need to be creative and to say yes when invited to new experiences. Often in grief we tend to isolate ourselves or cocoon, and that is OK. But when we are ready, saying yes to the experience of life can support us in ways we haven’t dreamed of before. You can create your own event or experience, and you can accept invitations and try new things. Try it. You’ll be so glad you did.

 

Home

70

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Earlier in life, I thought 70 was pretty old. Now that I am 70, I’ve changed my mind on that. The older I get, the younger I feel. When my mother was 70, she looked and acted like my former perception of 70, so I thought that was what was in store for me. I’ve since drastically changed my perception. Now I know that I can have and do anything I want, and I can release everything I know longer need. What does that look like?

When I have faced a few health challenges, I pay attention to them and reflect on what the challenges are trying to teach me. For instance, when I started getting dehydrated, I realized that I needed to drink more water. I know that sounds simple, but I just hadn’t been paying attention to what I was drinking, so when I drank less, I also ate less and started to feel lousy. I saw that there was a simple fix to that, and as I drank more, I started to eat more, and my energy came back, and I feel so much better! This made me remember that taking good care of my self is my priority. Like they say when we fly, put the oxygen mask on yourself first. That’s the only way I will be able to live the life of service that I desire.

Another example was that I was getting so low on energy. I just sat and read or worked on the computer. The longer I sat, the less energy I had. Again, there was an easy cure. I got up! I went to a retreat in the mountains where there was lots of walking in a beautiful space. I visited family who walk everywhere, and I went on beautiful walks with them.  I even went to an Aeriel yoga class. Floating in silk doing Vipassana was a transforming experience! Now I am looking forward to the joy of movement, of walking, of feeling wonderful!

My Ohana, Hawaiian for family, gave me a wonderful celebration in honor of my birthday. I danced all night and loved every moment! That felt so great! I realize the age is just a number. I can choose to feel old. I can choose to feel young. I choose to feel great in every moment and to release any thought or stuff that no longer serve me! My intention in this new decade is to focus on life, on living, on service, and on love! And I encourage you to join me on this journey.

 

Check out my web site for more help.