The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Healthy Eating

Can grief break your heart?

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Grief actually does have physical effects on your body which can be severe. Have you had your heart race through the night leaving you exhausted when you wake in the morning? Has your whole body ached? Do you barely have enough energy to get around? Have you had unexplained headaches? Has eating become a challenge, or does just the thought of eating make you nauseas? Is your blood pressure high? All of these symptoms are common especially in early grief.

Studies have shown physical reactions your body can have to grief, each of them causing lots of symptoms. Inflammation is your body’s attempt to dealing with things that harm it. When your body gets inflamed during grief, it can worsen health issues you are already dealing with or it can cause new ones.  This inflammation can affect your immune system which can lead to infections. You may develop high blood pressure or a racing pulse. All of these issues require medical attention. They may lead to PTSD, which my doctor told me I was dealing with. Or they may lead to something called Broken Heart Syndrome where intense stress leads to your heart becoming physically weak.

The message here is to take care of yourself. Here are a few things you can do.

  • Eat wisely. I know eating may be the last thing on your mind, but your body needs the strength and energy food provides. For me, I had a really hard time eating at all and lost much weight after each husband died. This led to low energy. I have also known many widows who gained lots of weight, using food as a comfort. This also doesn’t you’re your energy level and can lead to many other physical problems. The key here is good choices both in what you eat and the amount of what you eat.
  • Move your body. Exercise is likely to be the last thing on your mind, but just sitting can be deadly. Do something you really like. Walking, swimming, dancing, and running are all good. As is yoga, Tai Chi, and Qigong. There are lots of good videos online that you can watch and move along with.
  • Sleep can be tricky in grief. Often you either want to not stop sleeping or get out of bed, or you can’t seem to fall asleep no matter what you do. Figure out what works best for you and aim for 8 hours of sleep for every 24. I couldn’t sleep for a long while after Jacques died and finally got a prescription from my doctor. I ended up taking it way too long, not realizing that was a problem. Stopping taking it was hard at that point, but I did. Please be careful if you do try taking something. And be sure to be clear with your doctor how long you should take it.
  • Talk to someone. And talk about whatever you want to whether it be the story of your loved one’s transition or the flowers in your garden. Talking can be hard, but it can help so much to get things out instead of bottling them up inside. If you don’t feel like talking to a person, write. Write and email, text, or letter. Or write in your journal. Expressing what you are feeling helps take the pressure off. And don’t hesitate to go to a counselor if you feel you want to. Or you can join a grief group like the private ones I offer online where you can meet new friends virtually.

Amy Davis offers this great advice: “Lean into it. You only get to grieve your loved one once. Don’t spend the whole time trying to distract yourself or push it down. It does go away eventually, and you will miss feeling that connected to that person again. And if you feel like your whole life has fallen apart, that’s fine! It totally has. Now you get to decide how to put yourself back together. Be creative. There’s new life to be lived all around you.”

As I always say, live in the moment. Focus only on what you are dealing with in any moment. And be sure to love yourself in the process.

Kale and Caramel and Lily

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My good friend was talking a walk (a few weeks ago when we could) when she ran into a friend on her way. Walking on Maui is such a wonderful experience as everything is verdant, tropical, and fresh, and the trades winds are gently blowing. Gazing across the water to other islands is breathtaking. Encountering a friend is more the norm than the exception. This morning, Robin ran into Lily Diamond, blogger, author, and natural beauty. In catching up, Lily told Robin about the cookbook she wrote in dealing with her grief for her mother. I was fascinated by what Robin told me about Lily, so I went to her website and bought her cookbook: Kale and Caramel.

Lily moved to Maui when she was two and lived here until she went off to Yale for college. Her family lived immersed in the natural lifestyle of the island.  Her mother, an herbalist and aromatherapist, raised Lily by teaching her a love of nature and living, spending time in long walks learning all about the plants they encountered. Lily fully embraces all five senses in how she lives with aroma, sight, touch, sound, all as important as flavor. After Lily graduated from college, her mother was diagnosed with cancer and she returned to Maui to help her father care for her.

In dealing with her grief after her mother died, Lily wrote a beautiful cookbook sharing her mother’s healing teaching of the synthesis of flowers and herbs with food to nourish us inside and out. Kale and Caramel is gorgeous. Both reading the book and experiencing the beauty of the pictures makes your mouth water and your heart soften.  In her book, she says:

“It is said that the mind will only truly change when it grows so weary of itself it cannot stand to repeat its machinations even one more moment. And so it was with me. The heavier the grief weighed on me, the more I wanted to be free. For years, I let grief subsume me in its shadowy net, allowed feeling to run through me like water.”

Finally, “What came when I stopped long was being, pure and wild. Being with food that nourished me. Being with plants and flowers that healed by virtue of their very existence, their wildness. Being, no matter how much my heart hurt.”

Kale and Caramel is a cookbook I actually read. I feel my body relax and my breathing slow as I give in to its beauty and life, inspiring me to only eat what serves me, to smell what enlivens or relaxes me, and to live my very best life. Lily celebrates her mother as well as what she learned from her. I highly recommend that go to her website, read her blog, and enjoy her cookbook.

I celebrated by husbands by writing my book, Loving and Living Your Way Through grief. What can you do to create lasting memories of the best qualities of your loved one? Explore your creativity and see what you are inspired to do, then create that tribute, whatever it may be.  I would love for you to share your journey on your way.

 

Kale and Caramel

I Just Can’t Think About Food

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Both times I dealt with the death of my husband, I stopped eating. I’m sure there is a lot of psychology that goes along with that, but the simple fact was that I just wasn’t interested in food. I was cocooned in my blanket on my bed, and I had no inspiration to get up and eat. I have heard many other grievers finding themselves in the same spot. I did eventually find my way out of bed, but I had no appetite, and there was nothing in the kitchen.  So what was I to do?

 

When Jacques died and I finally decided I needed to eat something, I decided to eat anything I wanted to. I know that sounds scary,  but it turned out what I wanted to eat was mashed potatoes, asparagus, and peanut butter, not all at the same time. I found some good already mashed potatoes in the deli section at the store and fortunately asparagus was in season. By eating as much as I wanted when I was in the mood, I never got really hungry, so I didn’t eat too much, so I lost weight, which was a good thing. It took me months to start eating a more regular, balanced diet.

 

When I met Ron, he was healthy and loved to eat, so the weight started to come back on. When he started having heart and kidney issues, we started eating vegetarian. As we researched how to deal with his health issues, we discovered that being vegan could really help him. He found a Vegan Chef certification program online for me, so within six months, I became a certified vegan chef. Although I loved to cook and had even owned my own café and catering company at one point, I learned so much.

 

So after Ron died, I found myself not eating again, and losing weight which again was a good thing. I decided to go back to being vegetarian instead of vegan, and I became very aware of what I ate. Eating consciously is what I called it.  I am happy with what I eat now, keeping it very simple. I have given up eating processed food and discovered that everything tastes better that way. I do most of my shopping at Farmer’s Market which is a joy in itself!

With this background, I am going to dedicate one blog I write for you each month to healthy eating focusing on preparing food in small portions instead of for a family. Of course, all the recipes can be expanded to serve more. The recipes this week will make 2 to 4 servings, depending on how much you eat at a time, and they both keep well in the refrigerator for a day or two. My focus is on providing easy ways for you to take care of yourself which is so important in transitioning through grief. I will post printable copies of the recipes I include in my blog in the free section of my web site. https://lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com/free/  This week I’ll show how to transform everyone’s favorite Tuna Salad into a vegetarian or vegan delight!

 

Tuna-Free Salad

 

One can garbanzo beans

2 tablespoons chopped red onions

2 tablespoons chopped sweet pickles

½ cup chopped celery

¼ cup mayonnaise (use Veganaise for a vegan version)

½ to one teaspoon powdered or flaked  Nori (dried seaweed) This gives it the ocean flavor. You can usually find this in the Asian section of your grocery store.

Sea Salt and fresh ground pepper to taste

 

Rinse, drain, and dry the garbanzo beans. To assemble, use a pastry blender or a potato masher to break up the garbanzo beans. Add all remaining ingredients and mix well. You can eat this by itself, serve a scoop of it on greens for a salad, or put it in a sandwich with yummy whole grain bread, sliced tomatoes, lettuce, and sprouts. Feel free to vary the ingredients to include any of your favorite tuna salad favorites.

 

 

Egg-Free Salad

 

One can garbanzo beans or 14 oz. firm tofu

I tablespoon Dijon mustard

½ cup chopped celery

¼ cup mayonnaise (use Veganaise for a vegan version) (don’t use mayo if using tofu)

2 tablespoons chopped green onions

½ teaspoon Indian or Hawaiian black salt (the black salt gives it the eggy flavor)

Fresh ground pepper to taste

 

Option ingredients for variety:

I cup cooked red lentils (optional)

2 tablespoons nutritional yeast

3 tablespoons fresh dill, chopped

2 tablespoons chopped dill or sweet pickles

A little fresh lemon juice

1/4 teaspoon or turmeric, garlic powder, onion powder, paprika

 

Choose to use either garbanzo beans or firm tofu.

If you are using garbanzo beans, rinse, drain, and dry. Use a pastry blender or a potato masher to break up the garbanzo beans.

If you are using tofu, press the tofu to squeeze out any excess moisture. Crumble with your hands.

 

Add all remaining ingredients that you wish and mix well. You can eat this by itself, serve a scoop of it on greens for a salad, or put it in a sandwich with yummy whole grain bread, sliced tomatoes, lettuce, avocados, radishes, and sprouts. Feel free to vary the ingredients to include any of your favorite egg salad favorites.