The Grief and Happiness Alliance

journaling

What’s Your Story?

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Every person experiences grief differently for every instance that happens. For instance, my father died suddenly with no warning. My mother suffered for a very long time before she died at home. My sister did too, but she had multiple hospitalizations. She didn’t die of Covid, but she did die during the pandemic, so I didn’t get to see her one last time. Both my husbands died of the same thing. A good friend died in a car accident, and another died of cancer. Each of those experiences were entirely different. And there have been so many more people I have known.

And there are so many other reasons to grieve. Maybe you lost a home, or a job, or a relationship. Or maybe you have been a victim of a crime, or someone you care about went to prison. Or maybe your beloved pet died. As you can see from all this, every one of us deals with grief often many times to different degrees.

For each experience of grief you have, your story is different. And how you tell that story will affect how you deal with that grief.  I didn’t know what to do when Jacques died. He had many emergencies during which we didn’t know if he would survive. I was amazed that each time he did. For instance, we decided to go to a Prince concert. Jacques went to a doctor appointment the afternoon of the concert. Then we went to dinner and to the concert. Jacques had a hard time walking into the convention center, but he was so excited that he wouldn’t let his weakness stop him.

The concert started over an hour late because Prince refused to go on because there was poor attendance. Prince finally came on stage and Jacques was getting weaker. When we finally got home, there was a message on the answering machine that said that the lab tests they ran that day indicated that he needed to go to the emergency room immediately. That message was five hours old. He was hospitalized in serious condition. Fortunately, he was able to come home eventually.

My story about that was that I was angry with Prince! My mind was filled with resentment for him being so selfish when he was too vain to go onstage without the crowd size he wanted. I was mad because my husband could have died because Prince didn’t live up to his contract to perform. I don’t know if my story helped me, but it did give me something to focus on at a scary time.  I ultimately forgave Prince realizing that he had nothing to do with my husband’s health.

When my husband Ron realized how quickly his health was failing, we moved to Maui. Though we both knew his condition, together we focused on living in the moment which caused my story at that time to be positive and allowed us to make the best of the time we had left. This also helped me to focus on a positive story for me after he died.

I never dreamed that I would move forward into a life focused on helping to support others during their grieving process! I am grateful to be able to help so many people.

What is your experience grief? The thing to remember about this is that you can always change your story, whatever it is. Focus on the positive, and take the best care of yourself in the process.

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

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You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Grief and Age

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When my brother-in-law died in his 50’s, I saw a significant change in my sister. Observing her, I saw the balloon of her happiness deflate. She became addicted to watching television and allowed the rest of her life float by as she sat in her recliner. A few years later, a medical emergency hospitalized her, so I drove the five-hour trip to visit her. She was still in her chair. Her daughters told me that she never returned to the bed she had shared with her husband because he died there. I bought her a new bed and redecorated her room while she was hospitalized, so she finally went to bed though she still spent most of her time in that chair.

An article was recently published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, JAMA July 29, 2024, saying how grief can age a person. As I read though all the diagnoses thought to be caused or worsened by grief, my sister had many of them, including a broken heart. Though now I am dealing very well with my grief having learned to live a healthy life, I saw me in that list too. I noticed on that list inflammation and hypertension, also known as high blood pressure. My blood pressure was so high that I had to be seen by a cardiologist.  That doctor told me I had PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. That made sense to me after caring for two husbands until they died. Fortunately, I saw my blood pressure normalize with treatment.

If you have new symptoms or are having flare ups of previous medical conditions, please go to your doctor. Taking good care of yourself is always a good idea, and it is essential while grieving. I have heard people who are grieving tell me that they just didn’t care about their physical health anymore. Be aware if you are having those thoughts or medical symptoms. Though they may be triggered or worsened by your grief, seek medical help.

While grieving, many people seek help from a therapist. If you’d like to do that, make an appointment.  Talk to others you know who have sought help to see if they can recommend someone, or your doctor may know of a good therapist. Grief groups or Death Cafés can be great support. If you try one and don’t relate to it, try another. You have a vast array to choose from. Try looking online for support, like the Grief and Happiness Alliance weekly gatherings which are free.  You can sign up to attend here. https://www.griefandhappiness.com/the-grief-and-happiness-nonprofit-organization

I suggest you think about any symptoms you have now or worsened conditions you already have. Please seek help in the way that serves you best.

While the JAMA article does indicate that grief can age you, it doesn’t have to if you take really good care of yourself.

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Unanswered Questions

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Sometimes my husband would tell me stories of his past that were quite fascinating. I always wanted to know more when he reminisced, but he would stop himself from getting immersed in his past. I wish I would have written all the stories he told. His life and accomplishments amazed me.

My husband was estranged from his son from the time he was in college. He didn’t want to talk much about that. They got back together a few years after his dad and I got together. By that time, his son had a great career and was happily married. His dad was thrilled that we got to see them occasionally. His son came to visit us on Maui with his wife and young son. Ron said they had so much to talk about.

After Ron died, his son asked me about what I knew about his dad so he could share this information with his son when he grew up. For most of those questions, I had no idea what the answer was. I chose to write all I could remember about all those wonderful stories he told me so I could share that with them. I was disappointed when I could only remember a few pages.

All the lost stories are permanently gone. As I thought about all the stories I would love to hear about my parents, I realized they are lost too. My sister knew some of them because she was 9 years older and remembered everything, but those stories also disappeared with her passing.

I have started a new journal to write the memories I know I’d like to share. I’ll be sure to let my children know where it is so they can read it if they want to.  I will also ask them if there are things they would like to know from me so that I can tell them now. I have so many relatives and friends who had stories I would have loved to hear, but those stories died when they did.

Now is the time to ask the questions you are curious about. Ask those questions now.

I have started a new journal to write the memories I know I’d like to share. I’ll be sure to let my children know where it is so they can read it if they want to.  I will also ask them if there are things they would like to know from me so that I can tell them now. I have so many relatives and friends who had stories I would have loved to hear, but those stories died when they did.

Now is the time to ask the questions you are curious about. Ask those questions now.

 

 

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The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Learning From Losses

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Painful as it may be, loss is full of lessons that can guide us to a more mindful, happier life. I have lost many people in my life which led me to reflect on their lessons, so I am sharing them with you.

My Father. I learned to talk to people while I can. I go deep. My father was a World War II Veteran. I know absolutely nothing about his service in the war, but I did see his lifelong service and connection to Veterans. I wish now I knew why.

My friend in high school who died by falling into a grain silo. I must always be mindful. I wasn’t mindful last week when I took a painful fall. We all can prevent accidents and mistakes by paying more attention to all we think and do.

My Grandmother. She was the only person in my family who hugged me. I looked forward to her warm embrace every time I saw her. I didn’t learn at the time the value of those hugs and how I could share them with others. When I was with Jacques, his whole family always hugged me. I softened, and now I enjoy giving and receiving hugs.

My band teacher. I learned the importance of integrity in everything I do. I never missed a band practice and was always on time because all our band members respected the rest of the band. I always practiced my flute at home to be ready when we rehearsed, and my uniform was always clean and pressed.  And I learned to love music at the same time.

My camp counselor. Her name was Tish, and I will never forget her. She taught all of us kindness and respect. All the campers she worked with felt her love and tended to share it with the new friends made at camp. I still smile when I think of her.

My husband Jacques. I learned the importance of commitment, and lots more. When he agreed to do something, it got done. He was a great philosophy professor, and a wonderful singer and actor. Everything he did, he did well. People felt his commitment, enjoyed his talent, and recognized his love for all he did.

My mother. My mother was always busy, a trait I picked up. She carefully chose what she got involved in and she finished everything she started doing a great job. And she always found joy in what she did. She played bridge with the same four friends almost every week from when she was in college until she died. She was close to her bridge partners like they were sisters.

My sister. I learned when it was too late that I could have had a much better relationship with her. We were nine years apart, and she wasn’t thrilled about having a baby sister who she had to help take care of. In her later years, I discovered her sweetness and wished I had softened toward her so much sooner.

Through all this loss and the loss of so many people in my life, I see endless lessons. I have learned commitment, and I finish what I start. I have learned the value of the present moment and the importance of not waiting to say what I need to or do what serves me and others best. And most importantly, I have learned to cherish my friends and families. I let them know I love them. I never used to say that to anyone but my husbands, but now I say it often and realize that my life is filled with love.

What have you learned from your losses?

 

 

Emily Thiroux Threatt emily@griefandhappiiness.com

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here. ://a.co/d/eWNx3j1

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The Sound of Silence

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My voice has been changing for a few months and it kept getting harder to talk, so I went to my doctor who sent me to a specialist who sent me to a vocal therapist.

After all that evaluation, they decided to put me on vocal rest. I had to be totally silent for a month, no talking and even no whispering.

This turned out to be quite a challenge. Can you imagine not being able to speak at all? I am sure it will be worth it ultimately, and I have learned some things I want to share with you.

First, I am amazed that people think that since I can’t talk, that they have to speak softly or even whisper to me. I do not have a hearing issue, so people can speak normally around me, but they don’t.

People seem to get irritated at my inability to speak. I see them get frustrated and even walk away from me. Trust me, my inability speak is more frustrating to me than it can be to you. I tried texting my son who lives with me, but that irritated him. There are things we must communicate about, so I tried a modified game of charades.  While he was entertained by my efforts, he still didn’t understand me. He bought me a white board so I could write what I want to tell him. That was helpful.

Initially, I kept thinking about what I could contribute to conversations. It was too much trouble to write my thoughts on that white board, and I was realizing that all those little things my monkey-mind was urging me to share didn’t need to be shared at all. This was huge for me. I could see that much of my conversation was irrelevant or just didn’t need to be said. This turned out to be freeing. I hadn’t realized how much time I was spending organizing those thoughts and figuring out what I wanted to say. I am now noticing those random thoughts as they pop up and releasing them from my thinking.

In focusing on all I do related to grief and happiness, I have been smiling much of the time. However, being quiet, I have noticed that I haven’t been making the effort to smile.  I see that when I speak, my smile is part of my conversation to reinforce what I am saying. Without speaking the positive words I usually do, I just haven’t thought to smile. Becoming aware of my sad face, I am making a conscious effort to smile often.

I have turned to the comfort of my journal. I find my writing deeper and wider as I explore my thoughts and beliefs. I love Mark Nepo’s writing, and his books have wonderful journaling prompts that I am loving exploring. And I have more time to meditate and write without all those unnecessary conversations my mind is encouraging me to start. I find my silence brings me peace.

I heard from a dear friend who was very active in singing and acting. She developed nodes on her vocal cords and was required to be silent for six weeks. She learned to love the silence and didn’t really want to go back to speaking when her time was up. That resonated with me. I know when my time is up, I will be paying more attention to what I choose to say, and I will continue my practice of the peace that comes with silence.

I encourage you to be silent for a day and see how this affects you.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

You can sign up for our newsletter here

 

Friendship

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I love Springtime! So many birds are singing and building nests. Gorgeous orchids adorn my avocado tree. Delicate orange and black butterflies flit in front of the background of vivid blue sky with the bright white puffy clouds creating pictures. Yummy vegetables and colorful flowers thrive in my garden. And it’s the perfect time to grow relationships with all your friends and to cultivate new ones.

Friendship is one of the great experiences we get to have in our lifetimes. And friendship is like the flowers that grow and bloom in the garden that rely on loving tending with refreshing quenching with water, rich nutrients from the soil, protection from weeds and snails, and loving care from the gardener.

We nurture friendship just as gardeners nourish what they plant. Consider all your beautiful friends.  Which ones can you refresh with a cup of coffee and a conversation? How can we enjoy their blooming by noticing their growth and accomplishments? Who can we tend to by providing a willing shoulder to diminish their sorrow?

How can you relish the beautiful friendships you already have, and plant the bulbs of new friendships to come? Try writing in your journal a list of all the friends you already have. What can you do to blossom with them right now? Invite someone to go on a walk someplace beautiful to enjoy together. Invite someone else to share lunch and heart to heart conversation. Send a handwritten letter to someone else. Read that list of friends you wrote and plan special things to do with them.

As you take time to do something with or for each person on that list, savor the love and kindness you share and embrace what blossoms from your gardening.

Your garden of friends is already beautiful. Recognize all it provides you with, and always remember to water!

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

 

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here. https://a.co/d/eWNx3j1

You can sign up for our newsletter here