The Grief and Happiness Alliance

journaling

Who cares who is watching?

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When I was growing up, I was always doing things to impress my parents, to see if they were watching. Most times they didn’t. After I left home, I would do things to impress my husband to see if he was watching, but generally he wasn’t impressed. Then I started doing things that I could share to impress people at my class reunions, but they didn’t care much either. When I married Jacques, he did notice what I did and shared with me how much he appreciated me. I knew he was watching, and that was a much more positive inspiration to do good things.

After Jacques died, I began to feel like everybody was watching me, wondering what I would do next, afraid to get too close for fear of dealing with the subject of death. I felt like everyone was judging me, waiting to see if I was being a good widow. I know how absurd that sounds, but in grief, we aren’t always rational. I recall one time when a gentleman friend offered to accompany me to an event I didn’t want to attend alone, not as a date but as a friend. I actually heard people say that it was much too soon for me to be dating. I guess widows are just supposed to stay home and grieve forever.

As I reflected on all this, I realized that what I did or said was no one else’s business, just as what they said or did was not my business. I realized I was judging them, and they were judging me. That hit me hard. As I journaled and meditated about that, I realized that the most important thing for me to do at that time was to release all judgment, my judgment of anyone as well as my judgment of myself. And I did. And it felt like a miracle happened. Every time I felt myself start to slip, I would smile and recognize that I didn’t need to judge, and I didn’t need to pay attention to judgement, so I just focused on what was positive instead. I would forgive myself and move forward. It took a little time, but the more I released, the lighter I felt.

I now live in a judgement free zone. I focus on what is beautiful and good, on what is positive and filled with joy. I only pay attention to what I love about others, about me, and whatever happens. And my life is pretty fabulous. I encourage you to examine your thinking. Do you spend your time on the negative or the positive? I guarantee, the more positive you are, the more wonder and joy will discover.

 

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Change Your World!

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I read a short book today named A Pocket Guide to Gratitude by one of our Reclaiming Your Joy After Loss group members, Karen Schaal.  It reminded me of my journey with gratitude that I thought I will share with you. Reflecting now, I can see clearly the division in my life from before I really started practicing gratitude to when I adopted a practice of focusing on gratitude every day.

My life was good. I was married to Jacques, a kind, brilliant, loving man, was involved in my community, and I loved what I was doing with my life. Then I had the opportunity to support him through the last two years of his life. Then I was alone. My attitude was negative. I was lonely. I didn’t know what to do with myself, so I mostly felt sorry for me. None of that was helping me at all, but I didn’t see it at the time. I was inspired to write a list of things I was grateful for after watching the move The Secret. I was hesitant at first with my negative attitude trying to convince me I didn’t have anything to be grateful for. Surprisingly, I discovered I had lots to be grateful for. The more items I wrote on my list, the more grateful I became, and the more things I thought of to be grateful for.

Soon I realized that I was thanking people all the time. I was smiling more than I had in years, and my attitude had mostly switched to positive. I did learn to pay attention when I would automatically react with a knee-jerk negative thought, but as I paid attention to this, it happened less and less. I have continued my gratitude practice for 12 years now and it grows stronger all the time. Reading that book today, it really hit me that I am such a different person than I was before. I focus on the good, on reaching out, and on being grateful for every moment making every moment something to be grateful for.

Recognizing what you are grateful for can’t help but make you smile. And all those smiles bring so much positivity into your life. I encourage you to focus on what you are grateful in your life. One way you can do this is by “Flipping the script.” What I mean by this is to notice when you start drifting into negativity. For instance, you might say “I have nothing to be grateful for since my loved one died, and I am alone.” Yes, that is sad, but you can find something positive by saying, “I am grateful for all the years, the moments I had with my loved one.” Or “I am grateful for the wonderful conversations we had.” Thinking those thoughts with a positive attitude can bring you a smile. And you will discover things to actively do to bring more smiles based on those thoughts. You could invite a friend for a cup of tea or glass of wine and have a lovely conversation. Or you could spend some time with a friend or family member doing something that brings you both joy.

You can feel so much better when you focus on all the good in your life instead of on the negative. I encourage you to write down 5 things you are grateful for right now in this moment. Then see how good it feels. Then keep up the practice. You’ll be so glad you do!

 

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Letters to My Mother

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My parents we married 80 years ago today. They were married on Mother’s Day. So this week, my thoughts keep drifting toward them. I lead a Writing Through Grief group here on Maui, and one of our favorite exercises is to write letters, so I’m going to write a letter to my mother this week. The problem is, I haven’t done this before, and there are so many things I could say. I’ve been thinking of ideas to focus on. Here are a few:

  • I could pick out a few of my favorite memories and reminisce with her, like the time we found her mother’s love letters to her first husband when we were cleaning out her garage together. Or how when I was writing my book she would sit in a chair behind me so she could watch me write over my shoulder. She was fascinated by my computer which at that time was a new thing. Or I could write about how we shopped together to buy material for my bridesmaids’ dresses, then we shopped together again to buy material for my daughter’s wedding dress.
  • I could write to her about how I discovered how much she must have loved me when I was rocking my baby in the middle of the night and feeling overwhelmed by my love for him. She wasn’t one to express her emotions, but at that moment, I knew how she must have felt when she held me.
  • I could thank her for what she did for me throughout my life remembering how hard she worked to help me get to college, and how hard it must have been to let her 18 year old daughter move so far away. And how she let my best friend move into my bedroom when her new husband was sent off to Vietnam..
  • I could tell her how grateful I am that she chose to come live with us during her last year and all the amazing adventures we had during that precious time.

I could write a whole book about her. I only wish I would have talked to her about so many things while I still could. We didn’t communicate well, and I am sure that’s one of the reasons I became a writer because I want nothing left unsaid.

In our writing group, after we write a letter, we take a breath, then write another letter that is from who we just wrote to back to us. So when I write my Mom, I would write from her back to me. These letters aren’t planned. We just let whatever comes to us flow out on to the page. We have received beautiful, meaningful answers. I’m sure we could debate on where these answers come from, but what matters to me is the peace and joy they can bring.

So I encourage you today to write a letter to your mother. You may want to write it in your journal or find a special place to save it so you can go back and read it when you could use some mom time. And if your mom is still here, be sure to put it in the mail.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Happy May Day!

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Happy May Day! I remember as a child creating little paper baskets that I could put flowers in. I filled them with roses from our garden and hung them on my neighbors’ doorknobs. I always dreamed of dancing around a maypole with flowers in my hair grasping a ribbon attached to the top of the pole. And I heard that May Day was celebrated with cake, so I was always looking for one that never seemed to appea r. I think I’ll bake my own cake today!

May Day is a Northern Hemisphere celebration supposedly to welcome summer, though summer doesn’t officially start till June 21. I plan to celebrate anyway. I choose to go for a walk and pay attention to all the lovely flowers blooming now. If you have flowers you can pick from your garden, I encourage you to share some to celebrate with your loved ones. We don’t really need to have a certain day set aside to celebrate. I see the value of celebrating every day that I am alive, that I can do something significant to help others, and that I can breathe and enjoy this wonderful world! I feel all my loved ones who have transitioned smiling and me today and sending lots of love!

I am happy to wish you Happy May Day and hope that you will pass this greeting along with a great, big smile!

The Power of Your Words

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I’m sure you’ve heard someone say, “Be careful what you wish for!” Have you thought about what that means? When we wish for something, the universe grants that wish, whatever it is; however, how it is granted may not be what you thought you were asking for.

When you say, I know I will never be happy again since the love of my life died. When you say that, you never will be happy again. When you say I can’t afford a new home, or new car, or a trip, or even groceries, then that’s what happens. You can’t afford any of that. Now is any of that what you really want? I hear you yell NO! So why do you ask for it? I doubt that you think that’s what you are doing, but it is.

When I felt so alone after Jacques died, I thought about what I really wanted. I made a conscious decision to not ask for something specific, but actually to say, “I love and I am loved.” Notice what I didn’t say. I didn’t say “I want to,” rather I made the statement knowing that it was true right then, not some vague place in the future. And sure enough, I started noticing love in my life, love that was already there on so many levels, from friends and from family and love for things like my job teaching writing, that I had created a theatre, a school of arts, a gallery, a café. The more I thought about love, the more love I saw, and this prepared be to be fully ready for Ron when I met him. I recognized him right away as the romantic and deep spiritual love that I knew was waiting for me to see.

So how can you go about having what would make your life the best it can be? An easy way to start is to journal. Journal every day. Put journaling on your calendar or in your to do list and make no excuses to avoid writing. Start by writing what you need to do to unclutter your mind. You probably have thoughts floating around of not being worthy of what you want, thinking you can’t afford what you want, thinking you can’t have what you want. Instead of carrying thoughts like this around which get in the way of your true desires, write all that stuff down. When you read what you have written, you’ll see that it isn’t your truth. When you actually see it in writing, you then can release it. You can say “I am so much more than that! I do deserve what I want. I am worthy.” So, write all that down, how wonderful you are, how deserving.

Now, every day write the truth of what you want. If you are lonely, write “I am loved and I love unconditionally.” If you are wanting your ideal job, say “I am grateful for my skills, inspiration, and talent which insure the perfect job for me where I can make a beautiful difference in the world!” When you start saying that instead of that old story that you just can’t get a job, be ready for what comes to you. Recognize opportunities, and enjoy where they take you.

When you slip into the sadness that can come in grieving, instead of saying, “I am so sad,” or “I just can’t handle this,” get out your journal and write all about a beautiful memory of a time you spent with your loved one, or write about something you can do right now that brings you joy, whatever that is. When you write from a positive perspective, that’s what comes in your life. If you find yourself using negative language, notice that. Stop saying whatever it was. Consciously say to yourself, “I take that back,” and then restate your words with a positive focus. Eliminate words like can’t, won’t, don’t, and should from what you speak.

So I offer you this. Keep that appointment with yourself each day to write in your journal. Allow your journal to show you the beauty and joy of your life, and focus on that. When you do, when you look in the mirror, all you’ll see is beauty and joy!