Joy

My Ohana

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Ohana is the Hawaiian word for family, and it means so much more.  We refer to our Ohana as our chosen family, too. My son is my only blood family member who lives on Maui, but I am surrounded by chosen family members. Our feelings go deep. We truly support each other through life. My Ohana was there for me in Ron’s last weeks and after his transition. I felt so loved.

Shena came to Maui to live in the cottage on our property right after we got here.  Cottages like this in Hawaii are also called Ohanas because they are often used for extended family living together in a compound like atmosphere.  She has become my Ohana daughter and she calls me her Ohana Mama, a title I am delighted to have.  We celebrate holidays together and know we can always depend on each other for anything we need.

I have other neighbors who are Ohana, too. We are always bringing each other food, stopping by to visit, or meditating together. Whatever we grow in our gardens, we share, and we have developed an extended Ohana with people who visit weekly to share the bounty of our gardens and eggs from our chickens as well as yummy foods we make with that bounty like luscious homemade dill pickles.

Before the pandemic, we celebrated Friendsgiving being sure to include anyone we knew who didn’t have someone to share Thanksgiving with.  This was especially wonderful since Ron isn’t here to celebrate our favorite holiday with.  We are trying to figure out now something creative to do this year since we can’t have a big gathering.  We love and support each other in so many ways. I am eternally grateful for these wonderful people.

Do you have an Ohana, even if you call it something different, or maybe you haven’t recognized the group of people who are so special to you as a group?  I made a list and discovered I have quite a few!  I started with my Ohana, my traditional family, then added my Produce Share Family, my Intentions setting group, my book group, all the employees at the ambulance company I own, my Ventura friends, my faculty member friends at the University where I teach, and friends at Mango, the company who is publishing my book. And I could even list more!

Think of all the groups you belong to, formally or informally.  I imagine that once you start our list you will realize you have more support and Ohana than you ever thought you do.  If you don’t have a long list, what can you do to form a new Ohana of your own?  Share some love and support!

 

Pre-order my book Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Sign up for my free Zoom class: Writing Together Through Grief by clicking here.

Refreshing Gratitude

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I was grieving when someone told me about the importance of gratitude. My reaction was, “Ya, right. What do I have to be thankful for since my husband died, and I am all alone?” I did think about it though.  Maybe there was something there?  I admit I had been pretty self-centered, feeling sorry for myself and my sorry life.  Yet the more I thought about it, I realized that attitude was not serving me.  I didn’t want to always live in the dark. I really did want to feel better.

I decided to figure out what I had to be grateful for. Initially, this was a difficult task.  I had no problem letting lots of negativity flow in. Since it was right there in front of me, I started looking at things I wasn’t grateful for, and there were lots. By looking at each thing that was bothering me, I realized that I had created many of them, like I was frustrated because friends weren’t calling me or asking me to do things. As I thought about that, I realized that my friends probably didn’t know what to do or say to me.

I was the first of everyone I knew to lose a spouse, so they didn’t have any experience dealing with that kind of loss. I decided to help them. When I wanted to go someplace, like to a lecture at the university or a concert, I would call someone who I thought would enjoy the same experience and ask for a ride.  My idea worked. I had just been sitting at home by myself, and then I started going out to places I enjoyed with friends I missed.

With the success of my first venture, I started figuring out what else I could do. I asked a few friends over to dinner, and it became something we decided to do together every month going to each other’s homes. And I signed up for a pottery class with a friend and a Native American Arts class with another friend. The more I reached out, the more positive experiences came my way.

Realizing how much I had to be grateful for, I got in the habit of starting my day by writing at least three things in my journal that I am grateful for.  I have continued that practice now for years. Occasionally, I may start feeling a little sad or lonely, so I will get out my journal and review things I am grateful for. My list is very long, and I always smile and feel better as I read parts of it.

When things start to seem all wrong in your world, switch that up by paying attention to what is right! Always be grateful for all the wonderful people, experiences, and things in your life. This attitude brings much joy!

Pre-order my book Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Sign up for my free Zoom class: Writing Together Through Grief by clicking here.

These Times are Not Normal

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What unusual times we are living in right now.  I never dreamed that our country would experience the type of hate, disrespect, and violence we are now. Some days I feel overwhelmed by yet one more outlandish act that has occurred. But as soon as I start to think that direction, I remember the commitment that I made to myself that I live my life based on love, fully and completely.

Getting absorbed into the sensationalism that comes along with unimaginable things that have occurred this year is an easy trap to fall into, so it is imperative for us to keep our eyes open and write our own script. Instead of worrying and crying about the results of the pandemic, what can we do with our love to bring comfort and support to those affected? Instead of rioting in rage at the senseless shootings and violence, what can we do with our love to peacefully demonstrate and make positive changes? Instead of complaining about the political situation going on, what can we do with love to help get people out to vote and work on positive goals to help everyone?

Michelle Norris said, “Hate is fear in a different octave.” A truth I have learned in my life is that there are only two true emotions, love and fear. Essentially, then, hate is an element of fear. Since I have chosen to lead my life in love, I no longer can dwell on fear or hate. Looking at life that way, I am choosing for my actions to be based in love.

Those of us who are dealing with grief and loss often drift into despair. When we do that, we are forgetting to love ourselves. When we get lost in the anger that came from the doctor not making the diagnosis sooner, or fury with the driver who caused the accident, or the disappointment in our own body that didn’t hang on to a pregnancy, or our loved one who wouldn’t quit smoking, drinking, or overeating, that doesn’t serve us. Those things all happened in the past, and the only time we can do anything is in this moment right now. This is the moment when you can choose to focus on love, the love you feel about your loved one, and the love you are now nurturing yourself with.

Look at how you feel right now.  Are you serving yourself, loving yourself?  If not, spend some time exploring that idea through meditation, journaling, or prayer.  You can feel much better when you choose to.

Sending you so much love.

Loving Again

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I was married to Jacques for 22 years. We had so many things in common and many differences. We loved theatre and music. We loved deep, long conversations. We loved to laugh. We loved to travel. We loved to entertain. We had any amazing life together.

I came to Jacques with fragile self-esteem after a long relationship where I couldn’t seem to do anything right, I was an embarrassment, and I wasn’t smart enough. Jacques saw the real me. He told me I was beautiful. He was amazed at the many talents I had an would introduce me as a renaissance woman. He loved me deeply. With all this, it took me awhile to totally believe him.  But I did eventually and even was appointed as a commissioner to the Self Esteem Commission in our county. Working on the commission, I grew to recognize my strengths and grew strong while helping others.

Jacques and I worked on many theatre productions together and he sang in a quartet that I managed. He was a bioethicist, and we worked together to support people who were grieving. We had a wonderful life. His last two years were a physical struggle, so I donated my business to a non-profit organization and stayed home to take care of him.  When he died, I was crushed and had no idea how to go on.

After much self-care and dedication, I was ready to be open to new experiences. When I met Ron, I was amazed how much we had in common in spite of our differences. I surprised myself by starting to date him. As much as I liked him, I was conflicted because although the traditional marriage vows say “until death do you part,” I had a hard time letting go of the idea that I had committed to Jacques forever, and I didn’t feel unmarried. When Ron told me I was a renaissance women, I took that as a message from Jacques.

After Ron and I had been together happily for four years, I woke up on December 26, 2010 and realized that New Year’s Day would be 1/1/11. When Ron awoke, I told him about that date and said wouldn’t that we a great wedding date? He immediately said yes, and that he’d make all of the arrangements.  We put on an amazing wedding and reception, and we were married 6 years before he died.

I am grateful he was patient with me all those years before we married. And I am grateful that I was able to realize that there is so much love in my heart that I was able to share it with two wonderful men. Although you may think you will never love again, being open to possibilities can provide beautiful opportunities for you. I wish you love in every form.

Paint Your Blues Away

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Sometimes I can get a bit overwhelmed with all that is happening and then dealing with grief on top of that. When I had a piano or my flute and these feelings came up, I would sit down and practice. I could easily get lost in the music, sometimes for hours, and when I had played long enough, I found myself so refreshed. Listening to music that you deeply enjoy can provide similar results.

Since I don’t have my piano or flute now, I have turned to art.  There is something about creating something artistic, especially when you can get your hands dirty, that takes over your full concentration.  Thrifty person that I am, I used to think I had to have a specific purpose for anything I created, but I have realized now that art takes practice, especially when you are learning something new, and I can take as long as I want to in finding the perfect way to paint a flower, a landscape, or a person. The same thing goes for learning how to best use a medium, like water colors, acrylic paint, ceramic clay, colored pencils, or any other medium that sounds fun.

Start small, practicing how to do things, and develop a tentative plan for what you want to accomplish. I have found some great free classes on YouTube, and other wonderful classes that I have paid for.  I have created art with people from around the world which is like going on an adventure!  There are even specific art classes for people dealing with grief.  I discovered Danica Thurber’s Project grief where she offers a variety of art classes to deal with grieving.  She is a delightful, friendly young woman who exudes energy, talent, and compassion. And her classes are fun even for beginners in art. Check out her web site.  Project Grief Art

Try doing a search on YouTube or Google for free classes for any art medium you are interested in.  You’ll be amazed at what you find. Check out art classes for children because they include great, simple instructions for beginners. I would love for you to share with me good classes you find. Also, you can paste them with a brief description in the comments below so anyone who reads this blog can share.

The picture for this blog is of heirloom carrots that I painted while taking a free online class today with Let’s Make Art

Have fun with this.  Do something just to play. Creating something fun or beautiful is a great way to relieve stress.

I’ve Got the Cure For You!

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My son introduced me to a new song by Rick Astley named Dance.  The lyrics are: “I’ve got the cure for you. All you gotta do is dance.” Watching it reminded me how good it feels to dance. It gets my heart pumping and my energy up.

I thought about one of my first dates with Ron.  I always had dreamed about having a strong partner who was taller that I am who I could dance with.  I am six feet tall, and Ron was 6”2”, and I sure hoped he could dance! We went to my high school reunion.  They had a band, and everyone was dancing. He was hesitant to dance, so I didn’t know what to expect. But the music was so good, we ended up on the dance floor.

He could dance. He could dance so well! As we danced, the other couples moved away from us and ended up watching us and clapped at the end of the song! We had so much fun!  He told me that in high school he wanted to dance but was afraid that girls would say no when he’d ask.  His solution was to teach himself to dance so well that the girls would be asking him.

We danced often in Maui. It felt so good. I remember how surprised Shena seemed to be by Ron’s dancing. She said, “He’s got some moves!” I can’t help but smile when I think about dancing with him. My dream of a dance partner came true.

Ron and I hadn’t been together long when I had to have knee surgery for a complicated problem.  He came over before dawn to pick me up to take me to the hospital. I had told him about how my friend Yvonne had told me she wanted to be with someone who would dance in the kitchen with her, so we had started dancing in the kitchen sometimes when I was cooking.  That morning he took me into the kitchen, turned on the boom box that he brought with him, playing one of our favorite slow songs and took me into his arms to dance. He wanted us to have a dance together because we weren’t sure how long it would be before I could dance again.

Oh, how I loved to dance with him. I miss that closeness. Now I dance by myself. There are so many free dance classes on YouTube, and I can just pick something to suit my mood. It’s a great way to get some exercise and pump up my spirits.

I was just talking with a dear friend of mine who is dealing with the recent unexpected loss of her loved one. She told me about how one of her girlfriends came over with some food and a bottle of wine and played music from her phone and they danced for two hours. She said they smiled and laughed and danced until they were worn out, and it was such a perfect release for her. What a wonderful gift to give to a friend.

When you hit a low spot, remember this. Turn up some toons and dance!