The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Joy

Are you creative?

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Everybody is creative. Think about that. What do you create? What do you want to create? I’ve spent my life creating things without really thinking about it. I’ve created a family (with help from my family members of course!) I’ve created  the books I’ve written. I’ve created groups to learn new things. I’ve created costume, set, and make-up designs for the theatre. I’ve created quilts and ceramic sculptures.  But I never thought I could draw. 

In an effort to learn something new, I decided to take a drawing class, and I was amazed. The gifted teacher took us step by step through the process of drawing birds. And my birds were beautiful. They really looked like birds. And though the drawings of each of the class members were really different, they all looked like the birds we drew.

This class was so good for me. The time flew by in class. I was shocked when it was over so soon because I had been completely absorbed in what I was doing. I was relaxed and invigorated at the same time. I was looking forward to drawing more.

This time I spent being creative renewed and freshed my spirits. I was smiling, and just thinking about the class makes me smile more. I’ve taken two more classes from this teacher. This weekend I learned to draw canoe plants which are plants that were brought by canoes to the Hawaiian islands. 

What I learned from taking these drawing classes is that I had always had the gift of being able to draw. I saw how I was guided by a skillful teacher, but what I created was drawn by me. I recognized how good it feels to get totally absorbed into making something beautiful. While drawing, I had no cares or worries. I just felt great. 

Now whenever I look at my drawings I hung on my wall, I smile, I take a deep breath, and I know that whenever I could use a boost, some cheering up, all I have to do is get out a pencil and paper and sit outside to be inspired by nature.

What do you do to be creative? 

The Music of Your Heart

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When dealing with loss, we often find ourselves sitting alone. In this space, it is easy to start slipping down into sadness, missing the one we lost.

If I start to arrive at that spot, there are a couple of things I may do. First, in the silence of sitting alone, meditation can bring you peace. In this instance, I become still, close my eyes, and focus on my breath. Really concentrate on your breathing both in and out. Try slowing it down as you focus until you reach a place where you are still and your mind is clear. Maintain this clearness by that focus on your breath. This can bring a great sense of calm.

People have told me that their challenge in meditating comes from that voice in their head trying to convince them that they can’t meditate. Their minds are too busy. If this happens to you, find music that you can focus on to eliminate the space for that annoying voice to bother you. Many apps are available for your phone, or you can search on something like Pandora, Spotify, or Apple Music for music for meditation. I especially like crystal bowls and gongs, and I also love particular Baroque music like Bach’s Air in a G String.

I find such peace and beauty in music that it can calm me down and allow me to rest. I listen when a beautiful, peaceful song is played around me or finds its way into my mind. I feel it as a signal that I need to slow down, focus, and pay attention to what it is trying to tell me.  If it’s Bach, I feel close to Jacques. If it’s a beautiful, slow jazz number, I think of Ron.

I encourage you to put on the music that suits you best, sit, relax, clear your mind, and just experience that blissful peace for a while. You’ll be so glad you did.

 

Check of the meditation music on my YouTube Channel. I can listen to it all day!

Change Your World!

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I read a short book today named A Pocket Guide to Gratitude by one of our Reclaiming Your Joy After Loss group members, Karen Schaal.  It reminded me of my journey with gratitude that I thought I will share with you. Reflecting now, I can see clearly the division in my life from before I really started practicing gratitude to when I adopted a practice of focusing on gratitude every day.

My life was good. I was married to Jacques, a kind, brilliant, loving man, was involved in my community, and I loved what I was doing with my life. Then I had the opportunity to support him through the last two years of his life. Then I was alone. My attitude was negative. I was lonely. I didn’t know what to do with myself, so I mostly felt sorry for me. None of that was helping me at all, but I didn’t see it at the time. I was inspired to write a list of things I was grateful for after watching the move The Secret. I was hesitant at first with my negative attitude trying to convince me I didn’t have anything to be grateful for. Surprisingly, I discovered I had lots to be grateful for. The more items I wrote on my list, the more grateful I became, and the more things I thought of to be grateful for.

Soon I realized that I was thanking people all the time. I was smiling more than I had in years, and my attitude had mostly switched to positive. I did learn to pay attention when I would automatically react with a knee-jerk negative thought, but as I paid attention to this, it happened less and less. I have continued my gratitude practice for 12 years now and it grows stronger all the time. Reading that book today, it really hit me that I am such a different person than I was before. I focus on the good, on reaching out, and on being grateful for every moment making every moment something to be grateful for.

Recognizing what you are grateful for can’t help but make you smile. And all those smiles bring so much positivity into your life. I encourage you to focus on what you are grateful in your life. One way you can do this is by “Flipping the script.” What I mean by this is to notice when you start drifting into negativity. For instance, you might say “I have nothing to be grateful for since my loved one died, and I am alone.” Yes, that is sad, but you can find something positive by saying, “I am grateful for all the years, the moments I had with my loved one.” Or “I am grateful for the wonderful conversations we had.” Thinking those thoughts with a positive attitude can bring you a smile. And you will discover things to actively do to bring more smiles based on those thoughts. You could invite a friend for a cup of tea or glass of wine and have a lovely conversation. Or you could spend some time with a friend or family member doing something that brings you both joy.

You can feel so much better when you focus on all the good in your life instead of on the negative. I encourage you to write down 5 things you are grateful for right now in this moment. Then see how good it feels. Then keep up the practice. You’ll be so glad you do!

 

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What do you see in your mirror?

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I have a strong memory from years ago when I bumped into a colleague at the University. She had recently returned to teaching after her husband died suddenly in the classroom while lecturing. She had a far-away slight smile and few words. I understood her reluctance for casual conversation, but I noticed spots of moisturizer that hadn’t been rubbed into her face. She was grateful that I pointed them out and left for the rest room to attend to them. I thought at that time that she was having trouble looking at herself in the mirror.

In dealing with loss, we have a tendency to lose ourselves. Our self-identity fades away as personal things lose their importance. This is a slippery slope that can lead to depression and blockages to moving forward. After I met Ron, I still had times when I would drift into contemplation, considering who I was and what I should be doing, feeling kind of blank. Ron would notice when this would happen and encourage me to spend time in front of the mirror. I resisted because I couldn’t imagine how this would help. I did start noticing, though, when I would pass a mirror or see myself in a picture, that who I saw when I felt like that was not who I wanted to be. Sometimes I would look sad or haggard or old, and I thought I wouldn’t want to hang around with someone who looked that that. I realized then that my look reflected how I was feeling inside that I wasn’t expressing out loud.

It wasn’t easy, but I started paying attention when I noticed these looks instead of just looking away, and I made it a practice to smile and make me look like the person I wanted to feel like. I took a while and I had to be diligent, but it worked. The age and pain on my face faded away and I started feeling better. The more I genuinely smiled, the better I felt. I found positive things to focus on and to do. When I caught a glimpse of that sad lady, I would smile and remember that I wasn’t her anymore. I practiced by smiling at babies because they love to smile back!

I sometimes catch a look that doesn’t reflect the real me when I go to take a selfy or record a video for my class. When I do, I just delete the look and the feeling and do it again with a smile!

What does your mirror tell you? Do you really look at yourself or just check to see that your hair is combed the way you want it and your make-up is where you want it to be? Take time each day to look into your mirror, smile big, and say “I love you.” Then notice how your beauty shines through!

 

https://www.reclaimingyourjoywithemily.com

What Are We Doing?

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When I was talking to Saundy the other day, she was expressing her distress about the children being held at the border. She wants to do something, but she feels helpless. I thought about her comments when I heard about the shootings this weekend. What can we do? Are we actually helpless?

In situations like these, many of us grieve, piling experiences up until we either become overwhelmed by them or become numb by them. Either of these reactions don’t serve us, so what does?

The answer can come from us focusing together on love. The people who are committing these atrocities are generally working in isolation. When we read about them, we usually discover that they are loners seeking attention. They get inspired by people who espouse hate and gain much recognition from negativity. In an attempt to become idolized and recognized, they step on to a lonely stage not realizing that there are no positive outcomes once they cross that negative line of abomination.

So how can love change this? I have written before about how there are only two emotions: love and fear. Everything stems from these two. In order to make positive changes, releasing fear and focusing on love is essential. Studies have been done that show that when many people focus on love when dealing with a situation at the same time world wide, positive change happens not only in relation to acts of violence, but also in things like accidents and health emergencies. While this might seem unrealistic to you, try putting it I to action in your life.

Upon reflection, I can see how negatively and fear of death severely affected Jacques’ last couple of years. People stopped coming around, and loneliness and pain was heart breaking. Everything was different when Ron transitioned. We spent our time focusing on the joy in each moment. We were surrounded by love with laughter, friends, and music.

When we all decide to focus our lives on love, we will witness change. Instead of focusing the negativity of what’s happening in our government and society, try focusing on sending love and forgiveness to those who we see as the enemy or the problem. Instead of focusing on complaining about what politicians are doing, focus on finding something they do that is positive. For instance, instead of writing a letter complaining of the treatment of families and children at the border, write about how wonderful it will be for families to be reunited when the problems are solved that created the situation.

While this may sound naive, actually, this is the behavior that can create the change we are desiring. I encourage you to remember the words to John Lennon’s song Imagine.

“… Imagine all the people …. living for today…nothing to kill or die for … living life in peace….
I hope someday you’ll join us and the world will be as one.”

Let’s commit right now to focusing on peace and love. We can do this. Together we can change the world!

 

Take a class from Emily!

70

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Earlier in life, I thought 70 was pretty old. Now that I am 70, I’ve changed my mind on that. The older I get, the younger I feel. When my mother was 70, she looked and acted like my former perception of 70, so I thought that was what was in store for me. I’ve since drastically changed my perception. Now I know that I can have and do anything I want, and I can release everything I know longer need. What does that look like?

When I have faced a few health challenges, I pay attention to them and reflect on what the challenges are trying to teach me. For instance, when I started getting dehydrated, I realized that I needed to drink more water. I know that sounds simple, but I just hadn’t been paying attention to what I was drinking, so when I drank less, I also ate less and started to feel lousy. I saw that there was a simple fix to that, and as I drank more, I started to eat more, and my energy came back, and I feel so much better! This made me remember that taking good care of my self is my priority. Like they say when we fly, put the oxygen mask on yourself first. That’s the only way I will be able to live the life of service that I desire.

Another example was that I was getting so low on energy. I just sat and read or worked on the computer. The longer I sat, the less energy I had. Again, there was an easy cure. I got up! I went to a retreat in the mountains where there was lots of walking in a beautiful space. I visited family who walk everywhere, and I went on beautiful walks with them.  I even went to an Aeriel yoga class. Floating in silk doing Vipassana was a transforming experience! Now I am looking forward to the joy of movement, of walking, of feeling wonderful!

My Ohana, Hawaiian for family, gave me a wonderful celebration in honor of my birthday. I danced all night and loved every moment! That felt so great! I realize the age is just a number. I can choose to feel old. I can choose to feel young. I choose to feel great in every moment and to release any thought or stuff that no longer serve me! My intention in this new decade is to focus on life, on living, on service, and on love! And I encourage you to join me on this journey.

 

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