The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Judgement

Knot by Knot

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“Knot by Knot I untie myself from the past.” Charles Wright, American Poet

Reading this quote, I reflected on all the knots that I have untied related to grief. Many of the knots were locked in the ropes tightly bound around my feet, my hands, my brain, and my heart. The metaphorical ropes tied to my feet held me in place, not being able to get up from my bed or chair making it impossible to step forward. The ties on my hands held me back from accomplishing even basic tasks, and they thwarted my creativity. The binding of my brain blocked my thoughts. The ropes that enclosed my heart felt the worst as I struggled to feel even basic emotions let alone love of any kind.

After what felt like forever, I started coming out of what appeared as perpetual numbness, I slowly started to feel the tightness of the knots, one by one, and knew I had to start breaking free from the suffocation. Not being a superhero, I found I could not just take a deep breath expanding my chest and break free from all the knots at once, then move forward as if nothing had happened. Instead, I had to become mindful and focus on each knot, one at a time, to sooth the pain they were causing.

Though the siren song of my bed was alluring, I focused on my feet. Not moving caused physical pain and I knew relief could come from getting up, so I did. Venturing outside to sit on my lani, listen to the birds, smell the flowers, and watch the clouds drift by thawed my frozen muscles. The gentle breeze found its way into my lungs and refreshed my soul. As I untied the ropes from my feet, I also removed those ropes and discarded them so they would not have the power to trip me.

One by one I untied each knot. The process was not quick and was guided by where the most pain was occurring. As I released each knot, I thanked the binding for the lesson it gifted me. Being able to release my feet showed me that though I had stayed still for a while, I was perfectly capable of becoming unstuck from my lethargy.

Disentangling all the other interlacements, though challenging, released more freedom. Concentrating on moment by moment, I explored each heartache and started to map my way forward. Now far past my initial grief, I am liberated from all those knots. I worked my way through the complexities that all grieving people experience to some extent.

No matter where you are in your grieving process, know that eventually, knot by knot, you too can release each tie that binds. You will be so glad that you did.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

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Wellbeing

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I once heard someone say that when you contribute to the wellbeing of others, you contribute to the wellbeing of yourself. As I reflected on that statement, I realized that I have always loved to help other people out without consideration of what the effects of that kindness had on me.

When I was in elementary school, I always was the first to volunteer to help new students to our school find their way around. Though I was shy around people I knew, I loved meeting new people and learning about their lives. I lived in a small town, so learning how things were different where my new friends had moved from was fascinating to me.

The summer before I entered junior high school, I traveled with my parents by car from California to Miami Beach, Florida for a convention my Father needed to attend. In the deep south I noticed that school playgrounds had students who were all the same color. And I noticed signs saying “White only” over drinking fountains, and on restaurant and rest room doors. When I asked my parents about this, they did not explain anything, but they did tell me to mind the signs.

With my parents’ unwillingness to explain why what I was noticing was happening, I became curious and started reading anything I could find to help me understand.  I received quite an education from all the reading about how people seemed to pay more attention to our differences than to our similarities.  I committed to be kind to people and to not judge them.

I’ve made it my mission to get along with people who others couldn’t. This has allowed me to have unique experiences and opportunities that I wouldn’t have had if I had chosen to worry about what others thought of me. Count on me to stand up for people who need support and to do the jobs that others think are beneath them. This contributed to my wellbeing.

My lifework now is to tend to others who find themselves dealing with grief for so many different reasons. In our culture we are generally compassionate at the time someone is overwhelmed with great loss, but the further away we get from when that loss occurred, the less we think of the person dealing with it. After dealing with people forgetting me when I could really have used the support, I am now remembering those I can help.

Beyond being there, offering love and support, I encourage these friends to realize the importance that happiness plays in helping them to move forward in their quest to discover the joy that is available to them in each moment of the rest of their lives. I smile as I remember each of these people and wish them well on their journeys.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Change

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The Greek philosopher Heraclitus, 540 B.C., is accredited with the quote “There is nothing permanent except change.” And the concept of a desire for change has been constant ever since, and probably before that too. When a U.S. presidential campaign occurs, it seems that once every four years the country focuses on changes the people see as essential at the time.

I remember when I was in high school, I wore a button on my jacket that said, “Make Love, Not War.” The friends I spent time with and I believed that if we all focused on ending war, that could happen. And look at the world now. That giant change we desired still hasn’t occurred.

When Obama won the election, his theme was, “CHANGE we can believe in.” That fostered so much hope. And positive changes were made, yet still not everyone believed in those changes.

I will never forget the discussion my husband Ron and I had when the winner was declared for the 2016 presidential election. He said for me to watch because that election was going to bring changes that time. At that point, I had no idea what that would mean. The changes that came at that time were the antithesis of the changes I longed for.

Now we are at the precipice of change yet again. There is so much on our ballots now beyond just the decision of who our next president will be. At this time, voting is essential for us to experience the change we desire.

Please vote to express the change you want to see.

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

What’s Going On?

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Last night a tornado warning came across our phones and tv telling us to find shelter. I was shocked. I hadn’t heard of tornados on Hawaii before, so I researched it and discovered that Hawaii ranks 48 out of 50 states in possibility of tornados. That’s pretty low odds, so I thought I was probably safe, but it sure made me think.

All over the world we are experiencing unprecedented happenings from the volcano eruption in Iceland, to the tornado swarm in the southeast area of the United States, to the wildfires on Maui, to the huge fires in many areas of the world, to the rising temperatures worldwide, to devastating wars, to protests and picket lines, and to political division.

That’s a lot.

I woke up this morning with Marvin Gay’s song “What’s Going On” running through my head.  Melody Russel wrote in American Songwriter “The song carries a profound meaning, delving into Gaye’s fervent social and environmental apprehensions…. It was a reflection, a mirror held up to a society in turmoil.… The masterwork captures the spirit of the early 1970s, highlighting a period marked by activism, civil unrest, and a passionate call for change.”

Over 50 years later, I still don’t see the answer to Marvin Gay’s question, “What’s going on.” I keep thinking that maybe we just are hearing lots more about what’s happening with the easy access to the internet we have now. While we can’t prevent most of the natural disasters, we can work together to care for each other and our world.

While we most often deal with the grief that comes from personal loss, we all are dealing with some form of a more universal loss. Just as we need to take care of ourselves as we deal with our personal loss, it’s critical that we recognize the collective grief of our friends, our community, our country, and our world. Consider how we can hold each other up and move forward with support and loving kindness.

We have learned that If we don’t learn from history, we are doomed to repeat it. There is so much we can do to that is positive and supporting. I encourage you to think about the loss that is going on around you and choose some ways that you can make a difference, then do something. You could commit to voting, recycling, driving less, using water wisely, eliminating flammable materials from your property, or participating in community organizations. There is so much to choose from that can make a difference. Just chose something and start making a difference.

Our collective grief is softened by caring what happens to people and the planet. When we believe that our loving can change the world, it will. Let’s do this.

 

 

“What’s Going On” listen here.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance website

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief website

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here. https://a.co/d/eWNx3j1

 

The Enduring Meaning Behind Marvin Gaye’s Signature Hit “What’s Going On?”

The Enduring Meaning Behind Marvin Gaye’s Signature Hit “What’s Going On?”

Compassion

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An article in the online magazine Greater Good Magazine says: “Compassion literally means ‘to suffer together.’ Among emotion researchers, it is defined as the feeling that arises when you are confronted with another’s suffering and feel motivated to relieve that suffering.”

David H. Breaux was a Stanford Graduate who majored In Urban studies. He dedicated his life to the study of compassion. He wrote what he believed compassion to be and was inspired to ask people in Davis, California, to write a book with what he collected. He was well loved, 50 years old, unhoused, and the victim of a serial killer.

In 2010, David was searching for a way he could contribute positively to society. After much contemplation, he created his compassion project where he would stand on a corner in Davis, California, and ask people “Would you care to share your written concept of the word compassion?” He considered that asking people to write about compassion would increase their awareness of compassion. His hope was to serve society by inspiring more compassion in the people he touched.

The people of Davis came together to support David’s project so that he was able to publish a book with all the definitions of compassion, Compassion, Davis CA: A Compilation of Concepts of Compassion by David H. Breaux is available on Amazon Kindle. As I read the book I couldn’t help to be inspired and feel the value of practicing compassion. I committed to becoming mindful of when I see compassion demonstrated and to continually look for ways I can practice compassion myself.

In the Grief and Happiness Alliance meetings, we write every week about prompts given concerning grief and happiness. The process of writing allows a deeper exploration of the subjects just as David asking people to write their definition of compassion instead of just telling him about it.  I encourage you to write your own definition of compassion and include how you will implement it in your life. I would love to have you post your definition in the comments below.

Practicing compassion brings joy and happiness to both the giver and the receiver. What act of compassion do you commit to completing this week?

 

More about David:

David spent much of his time at Compassion Corner where the Compassion Bench was built from his inspiration. Covered with mosaics created by local artists with positive, compassionate words, built with stuffed plastic bottles, and covered with clay by many members of the community. The bench is curved so that when people sit there to have conversations, they can see each other. This YouTube video shows how the community created The Compassion Corner Earthbench.

Julia B. Levine, Poet Laureate of Davis, California, wrote the poem Letter to a Lost Friend in honor of David Breaux.

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

The Truth

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Do you always tell the absolute truth? The most common answer to this question is “Of course I only tell the truth!” But do you? Really?

Years ago, there were many stories that I told. I wasn’t trying to be dishonest. I was trying to feel better about myself.  I felt that I could be seen in a better light if I just enhanced what I was saying just a little bit, but if that enhancement didn’t happen or didn’t happen the way I described, what I said wasn’t the truth.

One relationship I had ended badly, so when anyone would ask me about it, the story I told made me a victim and the other person the villain. I wasn’t exactly lying. I was trying to be persuasive and get sympathy. I look back now at my sorry self and see how what I said just made things worse.

Can you think of a time when you fudged a little? Something could be as simple as writing the weight you’d like to be rather than your actual weight on a health questionnaire is an example. Or something like telling yourself that buying just one extra carton of ice cream won’t affect your weight, when you know for you that one extra carton leads to three since they are on such a good sale.

Your dishonestly can be even more troubling when you say what you want to be true, like telling someone you love them because they said it first instead of recognizing that is not how you feel at that point.  You aren’t telling the truth when you embellish what you are saying like “That pie you made was so good,” when you knew it was a struggle to take another bite.  You just didn’t want to hurt the baker’s feelings. What you didn’t know when you said that was because of your compliment, that baker made several of that same pie for the bake sale later that week.  Those poor people who bought something they thought would be good and your baker friend lost their reputation as a good cook.

Little lies can build up locking you in a trap of having to create bigger lies to cover up for the first thing you said. Maybe when asked about the skills of a friend, you exaggerated because you knew that what you said could get them the job they needed. When that didn’t work out, then you found yourself being more dishonest when you tried to cover for what you said in the first place.

Lies we tell ourselves while we are grieving are things like, “I will never be happy again,” or “I can’t get over how I am feeling.”  What do you say about your grief that isn’t exactly true or that you don’t know if it is true or not?  Remember, if you say something often enough, it can become your truth. And I know you would love to feel better.

Be mindful of what you say. When you aren’t completely sure if something is completely true, don’t say it. What often happens is that we speak first and think about what we said later. The trouble with this is once the words come out of your mouth, you can’t take them back.

When I finally realized that I was not being exactly truthful because it was easier or because I just didn’t think before I spoke, I knew that not being in integrity was hurting me. Now I have developed the habit of being mindful of what I say, of thinking before I speak. I no longer embellish, exaggerate, or just fudge a little with what I say. Changing this behavior was not quick and took dedication, and it was so worth it.

True happiness can only come with true integrity.

 

 

 

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