The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loneliness

What Would You Do?

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Do you have times when you drift into thinking that you want to go back to the way it was when you were with your loved one? You think of conversations, of things you loved to do together? I know I do this sometimes, but I always come back to knowing that I can’t go back, that things will never be the same. And at times that brings tears or longing, yet I know I can’t stay there.  It doesn’t serve me to dwell on what was or what might have been, so I have found a way to help me through.

We did lots together and talked about other things we would do together some day. I decided to honor him by honoring those things.  I started by making a list of things we loved to do together that I want to keep a part of my life. Then I added things I would do on my own that he would have supported me in and loved to see me do. Here’s my list.

Things we did together that I continue to do now:

  • We had a daily spiritual practice. We would meditate, write in our journals, read to each other, say our intentions and affirmations, and share a joy we each had the day before. I don’t let a day go by without continuing to do this, most often joined now by my dear neighbor Robin.
  • We loved taking good care of our hone and garden. I continue this by planting and harvesting vegetables, tending to my flowers and fruit trees, and being sure my home is clean and well maintained.
  • We loved to be surrounded by art, so I am continuing to support artists by purchasing works that inspire me. And I create artwork of my own in the studio that Ron had built for me. I do drawings, painting, and sculptures. I even made new pillows for my couch yesterday.
  • Ron was so thrilled when I first started going to Soul Sisters Retreats. And I am so glad. I have made lifelong friends, met so many people who inspired me, and deepened my spirituality.
  • Ron loved mentoring people through their projects and dreams, so I do this too. I’ve been having deep conversations with people about what to do with their lives no that things are so different. I love to brainstorm, like we used to, to come up with ideas and get to watch them develop.

I have also created new things to do that honor him.  I have written a book to help others through the grieving process called Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief which is in the process of being published, and I have created support groups to write together through our grief and to set intentions.

As I look at all of these things, I see that I am honoring Ron and inspired by him.  Try making a list of the things you would like to do that are inspired by your loved one that will keep their memory with you while allowing you to blossom on your own. I would love to read you list or hear about what you do!

Stay well!

 

The picture is one of my drawings.

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

Grief in the time of Covid 19

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In dealing with my own grief after two husbands died, I discovered that helping others deal with grief gave me a sense of purpose. I wrote a book, created a writing through grief program I held at my home, facilitated a Death Café, and created a social media platform to help people take care of themselves through their grieving and see what is still positive in their lives. Then Covid 19 descended on the world.  I immediately put my Writing Through Grief with Emily into a private Facebook group that people can join without any payment since being in touch with others is vital especially during this period of isolation. Yet I wanted to do more, so I wrote this blog to give you some perspective on the grief that we all are dealing with now.

Up until now, we all grieved for something at some point is our lives, but we tended to keep our grief to ourselves or to share it with others who were also grieving. Those not grieving tended to shy away from those who were so that the grief or loss would not somehow rub off on them. But now we are all in the same experience of grief though on different levels. What we do know is that anxiety over Corona Virus 19 is affecting everyone, and we are all grieving.

What is happening, and what can we do?

Everyone in the world is dealing with some kind of loss even if it isn’t death

  • Weddings have been postponed as well as romantic honeymoons that were already paid for
  • Students were supposed to graduate from high schools and universities and walk across the stage to receive their diplomas won’t have that opportunity
  • The vacation cruise of a lifetime ended in the horror of quarantine, a sick crew, and rotten food as well as exposer to the virus or even becoming sick with the virus
  • Grandparents are not able to travel to be with their children as their grandchildren are born
  • Jobs and income have suddenly disappeared for so many who are ill prepared
  • People who were in the process of moving to a new home can’t.
  • People who were not home when the “stay at home orders” were issued and now can’t return to their families and homes
  • Businesses have had to close and face financial ruin
  • Loss of things are no longer possible, like when a partner dies, they won’t be having children or growing old together.

These issues and many more are all reasons to grieve. And everyone will deal with their grief in their own way.  The key here is to recognize your grief, and the grief of your loved ones, and support each other through it.

 

Symptoms of Grief

What you are experiencing right now may not be what you think of as grief, so here are some things to observe:

  • Are you worried or anxious? What are you worried about? Your concern could be being able to get food, to pay your bills, to be safe where you are staying.
  • Are you concerned about friends are relatives who are in the health care field or first responders?
  • Are you worried because you don’t know how long the stay at home orders will last and worried about how this will affect all of your life?
  • Are you drinking too much or taking drugs to numb the pain?
  • Are you ignoring the stay at home orders so that you can go out and exercise or visit friends?
  • Are you sad that you can’t be with a loved one who is hospitalized or that you can’t adequately care for a loved one who is sick at home?
  • If a loved one dies, are you not able to be with them or say goodbye before they die? Are you concerned about what will happen for a funeral or burial or cremation?
  • Are you sleeping constantly or having trouble sleeping?
  • Are you eating too much or are you forgetting to eat?
  • Are you worried about anything you don’t have control over?

All of these things and more can be happening now, and if they do, what can you do if you recognize these are feeling you have, or you see someone you care about dealing with experiences like these?

Even though Jacques, my first husband to die, had been ill for two years, we didn’t talk about him inevitably dying and I was ill prepared.  When Ron, my second husband to die, became ill, we talked about it because I didn’t want things to be as bad as they were before.  We agreed that living in the moment was the most important things for us to do. We couldn’t change the past or know the future, so we focused on each moment.  In those moments, we made sure everything was taken care of that needed to be, like finances, trusts, and having a durable power of attorney for health care. Having these things settled gave us peace of mind so that we could focus on loving each other and saying everything we wanted to say to each other.  He also made a special effort to contact everyone he wanted to say goodbye to and visited with them in person or by facetime. When the time came, everything was filled with love and peaceful.

In the conditions we are facing today, being prepared is likely to be more challenging. Start by making a list of all you are concerned about whatever your situation is now. Then go through that list and prioritize what is on it.  If you aren’t getting enough to eat, put “find a way to obtain enough food” at the top of your list. After you prioritize your list, address each item. If you are with someone while you are staying inside, wherever that may be, do this together.  For instance, I found a small local grocery store that encourages you to email them your grocery list, they check availability and get back to you. When your list is settled, you pay by credit card and drive to the store.  They will look out for your car and bring your groceries to the car. And some places will deliver to you. I just signed up to get a box of fresh vegetables delivered each week from a local farm.

Address each item on your list with what action you will take.  There may be some items that you can’t do or fix or control, like you can’t go on the vacation you planed, or you can’t visit your loved on in the hospital. For items like these, recognize that the outcome is out of your control and release them. That may be a challenge to do, but worrying over it or being sad about it really doesn’t serve you, and right now what you need to focus on what you can do and have.

What else can you do?

  • Stay in the present moment. We can’t do anything about what is past, and things are changing so rapidly, we can’t anticipate the future.
  • Speak only the truth. Your integrity can help keep you strong.
  • Acknowledge your grief and the grief of others around you.
  • Don’t judge any one else’s grief. We each have to handle it in our own way.
  • Practice compassion for everyone in whatever circumstance they are dealing with
  • Donate what you can to who or what you feel most strongly about.
  • Create virtual parties on Facebook or Zoom with friends to celebrate what is positive.
  • Create a virtual memorial or fundraiser for someone you know who has died and won’t be having a funeral.
  • Join a virtual grief group.
  • Explore your spirituality or religion. How can you find comfort there?
  • Rage and scream and cry if you need to, but don’t direct it at whoever you are staying with. And don’t stay in a negative place. After you have let it all out, take a breath and get focused on what you can do.
  • Listen to others who need to talk. Really listen without interrupting and without judgement. You can take your turn to talk to, but express feelings one person at a time.
  • Do something positive for medical personal and first responders. Be creative.
  • Write letters to those you know who die in the process of this pandemic. Especially when you don’t have a chance to say goodbye, express your feelings in writing. I keep a notebook just to write letters to Ron. Sometimes, I even write a letter back to me from him. This helps.
  • Write poetry, songs or journal entries expressing all your feelings. Write about your happy memories.
  • Stay open to joy. Everything is not all bad. Find things to smile about and enjoy. I write in my journal every day something that brought me joy.

Remember to take good care of yourself during all this madness. Eat well. Do what exercise you can. There are lots of exercise programs and yoga programs on YouTube that you can do at home. Keep clean.  Keep where you are staying clean. Meditate.

And take a deep breath. You’ve got this.  We are all in it together and here to help each other through whatever happens.

 

Contact Emily Thiroux Threatt

Email: emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com

My web site:

https://lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com/

Facebook: Writing Through Grief With Emily: https://www.facebook.com/groups/2869332503181276/

Facebook: Reclaiming Your Joy After Loss

https://www.facebook.com/groups/ReclaimingYourJoyAfterLoss/permalink/871295139998225/

Instagram: emily_thiroux_threatt

Twitter: @ThreattEmily

Emily’s classes on grief and writing: https://www.reclaimingyourjoywithemily.com/

It’s The End of the World as We Know It

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This is a guest post.  My friend Sophia Leva-Marie wrote this post and it so resonated with me that I asked her if I could share it with you.  I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

 

It’s the End of the World As We Know It 

 

That chorus was definitely running through my mind as my call rang through to my client from Seattle.  From empty streets to bare cupboards, children at home ALL of the time, travel bans, and sequestered Italians singing from their balconies, it is a new world.

Though I’ve never watched it, Survivor has been a popular tv show for years.  The question of, if you were marooned on a desert island, what would be important.  Frankly, I never got past my first answer – conditioner.  Now, here I am.  Living on the island of Maui, watching a global shutdown, days away from being told to stay in our homes, and conditioner – still a thing!

However, I’ve come up with another MUST HAVE – the understanding of Universal Law.  Because Universal Law is not susceptible to the Coronavirus.

This is not about burying your head in the sand, Maui or otherwise.  Coronavirus is a real 3-D thing happening.  Go to the market and/or Amazon Prime and stock up – check.  Cancel upcoming travel – check.  Get clear on finances – check.  Ask our bodies what other supplements or nutrition they need – check.

It’s not the time to panic though.  What it is time for is to KNOW that what you see is NOT all there is!

There are Universal Laws that are operating – no matter what is happening!

Here are a few…

Just because you perceive it, doesn’t mean it’s yours…  We are super aware beings… of people globally, of what’s happening with the Earth, of the asteroids… all the things.  Just because you can feel it in your body, doesn’t mean it’s yours.  Return to sender, baby!

What you focus on, expands…  Has your eyesight dimmed and your head exploded from all of the Facebook, Instagram, and news posts?  You can ask to receive any energy or news you require, instead taking our global “time-out” to be with your loved ones, to write or paint or play?  We get to add to the frequency of fear or of love.  It’s always a choice.  What channel are you tuning into?

There is unlimited abundance… Your clients are not your source.  Your job is not your source.  Your investments are not your source.  Your bank account is not your source.  They are just channels – and they can change in a moment.  However, true abundance is unlimited.  It’s not dependent on or affected by a human, an event, a program, or a virus.  There are infinite channels of abundance from SOURCE – even, and especially now – desiring to come play with you.  Are you open to receiving them?

EVERYTHING is energy… We are the space between the molecules.  We are energy in motion.  Our physical bodies are comprised mostly of water.  And, your “diet” includes your food, your environment, your reading & watching material, the people you surround yourself with, etc.  Your diet feeds your cells.  Your cells vibrate.  Your vibration creates your reality.  What are you feeding your energy?

Ask AND receive… We get to ask AND receive.  One of the most powerful asks is “SHOW ME“.  Show me the abundance I am.  Universe, I ask that you surprise and delight me all day long.  Show me how this can turn out to be even better than I imagined.  Show me how I can thrive.  Show me how I can serve even more.  Show me how I can BE and receive more love.  There is also no difference in the size of what we ask.  Abraham Hicks says that it makes no difference to the Universe if we ask for a button or a castle.  What are you asking for?

We are limitless… Yes, we are having a human experience.  Yet, we are SO much more than that.  It’s been proven that we are, depending on which scientist you tap, more than 80-90% dark matter.  That is unknown, unlimited Universal potential.  We are made up of the same material as stars.  We also have Trillions of cells, each of them having power to fuel a city for months at a time.  We are SOOOOOOOO much more than we think we are.  What % of you are you actually BEing?

EVERYTHING happens for a reason…  Everything happens for us.  No matter how it looks, life always happens FOR us, not to us.  This virus is here to serve humanity.  I wonder how.

These are just a few of the Universal Laws that are present.  It is a balancing act, living in this time.  We get to be present with what we are experiencing, we get to choose how we react & what we focus on AND we get to know that this is not all that is happening.

Now is THE time.  Now is YOUR time.  It is time to EXPAND even more…  It is time to listen to our INTUITION even more… It is time to RECEIVE even more…  It is time to DEEPEN INTO JOY even more…  It is time to ACCESS YOUR DIVINITY even more… It is time for GRATITUDE even more…  It is time to BE LOVE even more…  It is time to OWN YOUR POWER even more…  Now that’s a virus worth catching!

 

Sofia Leva-Marie

Moments of Grief

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I have a wonderful studio that Ron had built for me when we moved to Maui. He knew I would miss the studio I had on the mainland, so he arranged for a bigger studio to be built here. As wonderful as my studio is, by the time it was completed, I needed to be with Ron most of the time, and even though the studio is on our property, it’s  far enough away from the house so that when time was of the essence when he had medical emergencies, I couldn’t get back up to the house fast enough. So, I didn’t spend much time there.

After Ron’s transition, I just couldn’t bring myself to go to the studio. Now, two years later, I am feeling creative again and have been appreciating what a wonderful gift studio is to me.  I was there a couple of days ago and was suddenly overcome by tears. I realized that it was a profound moment of missing him. When the tears slowed, I was able to complete what I was doing before I came back up to the house, though still a little shaken.

Ron used to spend much time on our lanai, Hawaiian for patio, where he would enjoy the beauty, the birds, the rainbows, and the butterflies that would actually come up and land on him. He told me that there would come a time that when I saw a butterfly or heard the birds or saw a rainbow, that I would know he was right there with me. Also, we got married on 1/1/11, so whenever I see 1111, I feel his presence also.

Since my episode at the studio, I have been a little fragile. I have moments of grief when I see something about someone dying on TV or someone mentions a loved one they are grieving for. But each time something comes up, the birds, the rainbows, or the butterflies or show up. And so does 1111. Yesterday I was talking on the phone with someone from a company who is helping with a big fundraising project I am working on. I am very excited about this project to raise funds for the Jazz Camp Maui my granddaughter has created. When I hung up, I looked at my phone and it was 11:11. Ron loved the idea of this camp, so I knew he is right here supporting my efforts. Think of what special things remind you of your loved one and notice when you see or experience them.

As the holidays are coming, we all are more prone to moments of grief which is perfectly natural as we go through this experience. The key is to stay in the moment and not get lost in the sorrow.  Think of how our loved one would want us to feel. Remember the joy of our love for them. Find little ways to celebrate that joy from writing or calling someone who is alone for the holidays, to volunteering someplace that could really use your help. Discover how wonderful life still is, and how much better it is because of the love you got to share.

 

Sign up for my free class to help you through the holidays.

The Music of Your Heart

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When dealing with loss, we often find ourselves sitting alone. In this space, it is easy to start slipping down into sadness, missing the one we lost.

If I start to arrive at that spot, there are a couple of things I may do. First, in the silence of sitting alone, meditation can bring you peace. In this instance, I become still, close my eyes, and focus on my breath. Really concentrate on your breathing both in and out. Try slowing it down as you focus until you reach a place where you are still and your mind is clear. Maintain this clearness by that focus on your breath. This can bring a great sense of calm.

People have told me that their challenge in meditating comes from that voice in their head trying to convince them that they can’t meditate. Their minds are too busy. If this happens to you, find music that you can focus on to eliminate the space for that annoying voice to bother you. Many apps are available for your phone, or you can search on something like Pandora, Spotify, or Apple Music for music for meditation. I especially like crystal bowls and gongs, and I also love particular Baroque music like Bach’s Air in a G String.

I find such peace and beauty in music that it can calm me down and allow me to rest. I listen when a beautiful, peaceful song is played around me or finds its way into my mind. I feel it as a signal that I need to slow down, focus, and pay attention to what it is trying to tell me.  If it’s Bach, I feel close to Jacques. If it’s a beautiful, slow jazz number, I think of Ron.

I encourage you to put on the music that suits you best, sit, relax, clear your mind, and just experience that blissful peace for a while. You’ll be so glad you did.

 

Check of the meditation music on my YouTube Channel. I can listen to it all day!

What do you see in your mirror?

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I have a strong memory from years ago when I bumped into a colleague at the University. She had recently returned to teaching after her husband died suddenly in the classroom while lecturing. She had a far-away slight smile and few words. I understood her reluctance for casual conversation, but I noticed spots of moisturizer that hadn’t been rubbed into her face. She was grateful that I pointed them out and left for the rest room to attend to them. I thought at that time that she was having trouble looking at herself in the mirror.

In dealing with loss, we have a tendency to lose ourselves. Our self-identity fades away as personal things lose their importance. This is a slippery slope that can lead to depression and blockages to moving forward. After I met Ron, I still had times when I would drift into contemplation, considering who I was and what I should be doing, feeling kind of blank. Ron would notice when this would happen and encourage me to spend time in front of the mirror. I resisted because I couldn’t imagine how this would help. I did start noticing, though, when I would pass a mirror or see myself in a picture, that who I saw when I felt like that was not who I wanted to be. Sometimes I would look sad or haggard or old, and I thought I wouldn’t want to hang around with someone who looked that that. I realized then that my look reflected how I was feeling inside that I wasn’t expressing out loud.

It wasn’t easy, but I started paying attention when I noticed these looks instead of just looking away, and I made it a practice to smile and make me look like the person I wanted to feel like. I took a while and I had to be diligent, but it worked. The age and pain on my face faded away and I started feeling better. The more I genuinely smiled, the better I felt. I found positive things to focus on and to do. When I caught a glimpse of that sad lady, I would smile and remember that I wasn’t her anymore. I practiced by smiling at babies because they love to smile back!

I sometimes catch a look that doesn’t reflect the real me when I go to take a selfy or record a video for my class. When I do, I just delete the look and the feeling and do it again with a smile!

What does your mirror tell you? Do you really look at yourself or just check to see that your hair is combed the way you want it and your make-up is where you want it to be? Take time each day to look into your mirror, smile big, and say “I love you.” Then notice how your beauty shines through!

 

https://www.reclaimingyourjoywithemily.com