The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loneliness

Are you afraid?

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When I asked my group what they would like for me to write in a blog, Brandy mentioned the fear of going it alone after being with someone for so many years. I can understand that, and I did experience fear after Jacques died. I was afraid of a violent neighbor. I was afraid of being alone. I was afraid of not knowing what to do. And I kept finding things to be afraid of. When Ron and got together, he taught me about fear. He told me that there are only two real emotions: love and fear. I could choose to be in love, or I could choose to be in fear. At that point, I had fallen in love with Ron, but I still had things I was afraid about. I started researching this idea to see what others thought. I discovered that this concept dated back to ancient times.

What I discovered is that fear is not real. For instance, most of my life I had a deathly fear of heights. I assumed it was because when I was very young, I had fallen out of a two-story window and landed on the concrete fracturing my skull. Now that would be a good reason. I would feel terror whenever I had to be in a situation where I was up high. I would shake, feel sick to my stomach, and become short of breath. I had always worn glasses, and as an adult I discovered I could have Lasik surgery to correct my vision. The surgery was quick and simple, and as I got off of the operating table, I suddenly discovered why I had been afraid of heights. With my astigmatism corrected, the floor was now where it belonged. It no longer appeared to me that each step I took felt like stepping off a cliff. In that instant, my fear of heights disappeared.

The dictionary says that fear is an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous or will cause you pain. If fear is simply an emotion, you can choose not to feel it. If something is dangerous, you can rationally figure out a way to deal with it so as not to experience the danger. For instance, it is dangerous to walk across a busy street without looking both ways. When you look both ways, you will only cross that street when there aren’t vehicles headed your direction thus eliminating the need for fear.

Not experiencing things that will cause you pain is not so simple. You may fear being alone because of the pain of your loved one’s death. That is a cause that you cannot change, but you can look at the situation differently. Consider how that fear serves you. What do you get out of being afraid? Chances are, you don’t get anything positive. If you aren’t getting something positive, why have it?

Recently I had an issue with my kidneys. My friend who is a homeopathic doctor asked me what I was afraid of because in Chinese medicine, fear is the emotion of the kidneys and bladder. I thought about this and realized that at this point in my life I don’t really have any fear. It did cross my mind that both of my husbands died of complications from renal dialysis, but in examining my feelings about that, I realized that I am not afraid of death. I have had a wonderful life full of rich experiences and love, so if I would die right now, it would be with a smile. And it seemed to me that death is the biggest thing that people fear, and if I didn’t fear that, I really am fearless.

When you do discover things that you fear, figure out why you are afraid and fix that. If you fear your financial situation, get help to figure out how to best live within your means and pay off your debts. If you are afraid of being alone, call a friend, take a class, join an organization, or find another way to get out and be with people. If you fear the future, focus right now on loving yourself. Put your energy into that love and how it can serve you. When you bring joy into your life right now, the future won’t be as scary because all you really have is this moment, so make this moment great and full of love, especially self-love.

I recently had a wonderful conversation with Justin Kauflin, a gifted jazz pianist who became totally blind when he was eleven years old. He had become a semi-finalist in the prestigious Thelonious Monk competition, and he was frightened about playing in front of the judges. His fear caused him to not play his best. He didn’t move on in the competition. As he reflected on this experience, he realized that instead of being afraid of performing in front of judges like Herbie Handcock who he greatly admired, he could have felt, “Wow! I get to perform in front of Herbie Handcock!” This experience allowed him to release the stage fright which had plagued him.

As you examine your life and your fears, what do you need to do to release those fears? Think of it as Justin does. I get to live my life! I get to enjoy my moments. I get to love myself and everyone else. How wonderful is that! Start enjoying your moments in this one, right now.

Stuck

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Do you feel stuck in your grief? Do you sometimes feel like things will never be better than they are right now? Do you long for the way things were before your loss? Do you think you will never feel whole again or even feel better? Did you know that usually all these thoughts come from your monkey mind, what Eckhart Tolle calls “the voice in your head”? And I hear you say, “But I don’t want to feel this way! Why would I do this to myself?” And the answer is, you are letting that monkey mind run amuck.

That voice in our head is frequently like background music that is constantly running. And you can do something about it. First, recognize that it is there and that basically it’s just trying to help. So I invite you to take a moment right now to listen to what it is telling you. You may be having a bad day and feel alone. Your monkey mind may be saying something like “Oh, poor me. I am so alone and being alone makes me feel so bad.  All I want to do is cry even though I know that doesn’t help.” So let’s take a look at what she said from the perspective of this very moment. First, are you “poor”? Probably not. You have a home to live in, food to eat, and some friends and family. Next, right now do you have to be alone? In this moment, can you decide to take some flowers from your yard to a neighbor? Or you could email a friend. Or you could send a note of support to someone. So right there are 3 different people you can be in contact with so that you are not alone. And next, do you really feel bad? If you do feel bad, make a list of 10 things that make you feel good, then start doing them. You will be too busy to feel bad. And the last thing she said was about crying. If you do feel like crying, cry, right now. If you can’t just cry at this moment, maybe you don’t really need to. And if you do cry at this moment, cry it out. The tears can wash away what has been building up, and when you are done, you can have a fresh start in this moment.

Now it’s time to make friends with that monkey mind. Decide to work together toward your good. Thank your monkey mind and give it some love. As with any relationship, nurturing it will make it stronger and allow more joy in your life.

When you get those stuck feelings, pay attention. Write the feelings down and examine if they are true. If they aren’t true, let them go. If they are true, now you can go about healing or fixing, or whatever you need to do to make things better. The key is to live only in truth and to take good care of yourself. Fully embrace yourself with love.

 

 

Let it go!

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When I was alone after Jacques died, the evenings were long and lonely. I had a hard time focusing on books or television, and I realized I longed for company. I started looking for somewhere to go or something to do so that I wouldn’t be around people who said, “Oh, that’s Emily. Her husband died.” I wanted to be anonymous and just fit in. Does this sound familiar?

 

Two years before Jacques died, I had let go of my business, a live theatre, school of arts, café, and art gallery. I had loved having that business, but when I realized that I needed to be with Jacques full time the last couple of years of his life, I was able to move away from the business and be home with Jacques. Returning to that business was not an option, so I needed to figure out what to do next.

 

I found a quilting class at a quaint little shop that I could walk to from my house. I had sewn all my life, so this wasn’t new. But I did get to learn new techniques and see the beautiful quilts everyone was creating. The class was relaxing, and I felt so creative. I didn’t know anyone in the class, and I didn’t make any effort to get acquainted with anyone. I was perfectly happy sewing and listening to my classmates stories.

 

One evening one of my classmates was telling about a beautiful, expensive, intricate quilt she had made for her son. You could hear the love in her voice as she described it. Then she told about how the unbelievable thing happened to her. She attended a big community picnic with her son and his family. And her son’s wife had the nerve to bring that quilt and put it on the ground for the family to sit on, and even share their picnic lunch on! She was appalled and heart broken. I’ll never forget how her friend in the class responded. She said, “Go home and get your dictionary out and look up the word gift. When you give something away, it isn’t yours anymore. You didn’t notice how proud your daughter-in-law was of that quilt that she wanted to show it off. She and your son treasure that quilt. Let it go!”

 

I felt like she had turned on a light bulb in my head!  At that moment, I let my wonderful business go. I had been feeling like since I had created it, spent all that money on it, and spent untold hours there and all that involved, that somehow it was still my baby. I realized right then it was not, and a palpable wave of relief washed over me. I was filled with gratitude for this gift.

 

And the bigger gift for me was realizing that letting things go created a wide open space for me. I stopped worrying about what I could have, should have, would have done, and realized that I was truly living in the moment. In the moment, there is no room for the baggage of what no longer served me. I felt clear and fresh and ready for the rest of my journey.

 

So my gift to you is the reminder to release everything that doesn’t serve you. Let it go! And revel in the joy of the results.

 

P.S. This picture is of a quilt I designed and made by hand after I took that class. It took me two years to finish. I used Hawaiian style motifs that I cut myself. Traditionally, Hawaiian quilts are made of one huge motif, but I couldn’t decide what I liked best, so I made small squares I could easily do on my lap in the evenings. You’ll see turtles, dolphins, breadfruit, hibiscus, pineapple, and anthurium squares. Working on creative projects is a great way to help with grieving!

You Wish!

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Do you ever think about how you wish your life was different? How you wish you were more in control of your life? I used to do just that. I would add more junk mail to the pile that I know I’d get around to reading later. I would climb back into the bed because it wasn’t made anyway and it looked so inviting. I would eat one more serving of what I made for dinner because then I wouldn’t have to put it away. I would skip flossing my teeth because I could always do it tomorrow. Does any of this sound familiar? If it does, you can fix it!

 

How would you like your life to be different? Make a list of what you would really like. Then look at that list one item at a time. Let’s say you always feel tired and never get enough sleep or you get too much. You have identified a problem you have, and you know your life would be ever so much better if you could solve it. So the answer is, develop a new habit. You may go to bed at irregular hours, or got to bed too early or too late. You may watch TV, play games on your phone, or read until late into the night. Then when you get up, you are tired, so you don’t make the bed, and later that open bed looks so inviting that you climb back in for a short nap that may not be so short.

 

When you decide you really want more energy, decide to start a new habit. Set a specific time you want to go to bed by every night then do it. No excuses. Do it without your tv, your phone, your light, or your book. Meditate and practice conscious breathing. Instead of counting sheep, count things you are grateful for, and go to sleep. This may see hard at first, but as you cultivate the habit, it will become easier every night. Then every morning as soon as you get up, let the first thing you do be to make your bed. You won’t want to mess up that neat bed by day sleeping, and that will make it easier for your to fall asleep at night. If you get tired in the day, find a peaceful place to sit up straight, close your eyes and meditate. When your meditation is finished, you will feel refreshed and ready to go on about your day.

 

When you have one new habit established, decide the next thing you want to tackle. Throw out your junk mail before you add it to a pile. Serve yourself a reasonable portion of food and put the rest away before you eat so you won’t be tempted to overeat. Floss your teeth every time you brush (it really doesn’t take that much time!)

 

What would make your life better? What would make you happier? What would make you feel more in control? Choose what new habits you can start to make things better and start them. Some habits have a bad reputation of not being good for you so you may avoid all habits, but you don’t have to. Good habits can bring you the peace you desire. They can help you keep your surroundings in order. And they can make you happy. Just imagine how good it will feel every day to start out with your bed made, your teeth clean, and your clutter in the trash. And think how good it will feel to identify what your challenges are and figure out what kind of a habit you can create to eliminate those challenges so that you don’t even have to think about them anymore.

 

So get started, now! What are you going to do to rock your world?

Thanksgrieving

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We all grieve. Everyone loses someone or something critical, and those losses come back to remind us of our grief on the holidays. We can choose to deep dive into that grief and be miserable, or we can choose to do something with those memories that can bring us joy.

I choose joy. While I cherished being with my loved ones for the holidays, now I find others to make the holidays special. On Thanksgiving, I invite people to join me who don’t have someplace to go. I get the pleasure of preparing a big Thanksgiving dinner with my son Jason’s help. He loves to cook the turkey. I fix mostly the menu my family always did. And to remember my loved ones who won’t be joining us, I fix something special for each of them.

Thanksgiving was Jacques’ very favorite holiday, so the turkey is special to remember him by. I always cook it in a Reynolds turkey cooking bag to keep it nice and juicy. Even though I’m vegetarian, I know my guests aren’t. My mother-in-law Fran was famous for her cornbread stuffing, so we have to have that! Mom always made what she called Waldorf salad that was just bananas, apples, walnuts, and mayonnaise. I make that for her, though I frequently the only one who eats it (and I love it!). I make sweet potatoes for me! I just wrap them in foil and put them in the oven with the turkey. And for dessert, Ron had to have apple pie. Of course, he wanted apple pie for every holiday, and any other day in between. And when Abby, my daughter, joins us, we have to have cherry pie.  I made it one year on Washington’s birthday, and she wants it for every holiday since them. If you don’t have a big dinner, have something special just for you, even it’s your mother’s jello salad or your own pumpkin pie.

The best part of the day is when everybody says what they are thankful for before we eat. Focusing on gratitude is what the holiday is all about. You can do this on your own, too.  On Thanksgiving Day, I like to do a whole journal entry on what I am grateful for. My list just keeps getting longer. Before I started creating gratitude lists, I found that I was finding ways to feel sorry for myself and being alone. Focusing on the negative didn’t help at all. So the more I wrote gratitude lists, the better I felt. Now every day I include thing I am grateful for in my journal every day.

At the end of the day, I can just feel my departed loved ones being grateful that I am remembering them with joy on Thanksgivin

Holidays and Grief

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Holidays present a special challenge to those grieving. Especially hard are the first ones that come by for the first time after a loved one departs. I realized that I was just ignoring the season when my first Christmas came. I had made the effort to create a Christmas card with a drawing I had done on the front, and I expressed inside the gratitude I had for all those who had supported me this year. Writing the card itself was challenging because I wanted to say just the right thing.

I know lots of people have stopped sending out cards, but for me it was a way to reach out to all those I care about.  I made a long list and sent lots of cards. In the love and work I put into the cards, I was hoping people would notice that I was reaching out for support. But they didn’t.  I got very few cards this year.  I assume that everyone is busy and they feel Christmas cards are a nuisance, but they weren’t to me. I did write a reply to every card I received, and I learned that just because something is important to me doesn’t me that anyone else will call.  I do not believe that anyone was trying to be hurtful.

So, on Christmas Day I was sitting alone, remembering the huge family gatherings that we had when I was growing up.  My mom had three living sisters and a brother and they would take turns as to who would host Christmas. There was not much money between us all, but we still had wonderful celebrations with lots of food, games, and love. I looked at my Facebook and noticed that members of grief groups were posting heavily that day, and most of them had the same feeling, that they were not invited. When I thought about that, I remember the first Christmas after Jacques, who I was with for 23 years, had died. Though his family dropped by for a short visit, I was basically by myself, and in tears, and thinking who would want to be around this crybaby dragging their Christmas down. As I thought that this year, I could hear my Ron, who I was with for 10 years, say to me, “Now how does thinking that serve you.” That woke me up. What could I do to improve the situation?

The first thing I did was to make a list of everyone who I could think of who may be alone that day or may have had a recent loss or tragedy in their family. The I wrote an individual note to each of them to send by email, by messenger, or by regular mail. I expressed my love and support and suggested we get together for the next holiday if possible at least by phone or mail since I live so far away from everyone else in the world!  Then I went farther and wrote a note to each one I noticed in the grief groups online who felt alone that day. I told them they had a virtual friend and that frequently people don’t have any idea what to say to people who are grieving so that if there is someone they needed to hear from, they could try to reach out first.

I didn’t hear back from many people, and that was OK.  At least I reminded them that I am alive, and that I would love to stay involved with my family and friends. The next holiday will be better, and I know I’ll find more people to reach out to then.