The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loss

Going it Alone

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In an online meeting I was attending this morning, we were introducing ourselves, and when I told them about my book, they all wanted to talk about their grief. Most of the group expressed how they hadn’t really dealt with their grief because it was hard for them to talk about. They said things like they didn’t think other people would want to hear about, or they didn’t want to bring other people down, or that they didn’t want to deal with the sadness that comes to them when they do talk about their grief.  They also pointed out that they knew people grieving over losses other than grief.

Right now, it seems like we all are dealing with some form of grief whether it is from the loss of a loved one or the loss of a job, a home, an income, a pet, or anything important to our lives. And most of us just deal with our grief on our own then wonder why we are having a hard time.

When grieving, people tend to withdraw from other people to avoid the sadness, the crushing pain, or the reactions they get when they mention it. Does this sound like you or someone you know? With my own grief, I tended to keep to myself for the first couple of months. I just didn’t want to talk to anyone. And I didn’t want to listen to anyone either. Hearing them talk about anything other than my loss was difficult to deal with.  How could they care about what to fix for dinner or a new purchase they made?

Eventually I got to a point where I did want to talk or listen, but by then I needed to connect with people again. I tried to find groups on social media that I could join and be able to communicate, but I discovered so much sadness. At first, I was replying to every devastating story I read, and in the process, I seemed to be absorbing that sadness. I would stop writing when I was in tears. I realized that doing this wasn’t helping anyone.  The people who were writing the stories just needed to tell their stories and weren’t prepared to listen to a response. I assumed that because I never received a response from anyone I wrote to.

Eventually I decided to find new friends and I created a Meet Up group and invited people to join me to write about what we were grieving.  This worked. Meeting face to face we were all able to share and respond to each other. We all realized how much we needed to share our stories.  By meeting with this new group, I became more comfortable in reaching out to my friends, and they responded. I think they always wanted to but weren’t sure what to say. My reaching out to them broke the ice and we easily fell back into the relationships we had before my loss. And, when they were ready, they talked to me about how the loss affected them, too.

If you feel stuck now, don’t despair. People still love you. New people will love you, too. When you are ready, open your heart and allow people back in.

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Bereavement Leave

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I am thrilled to hear that President Biden has proposed the Family Medical Leave Act which would include bereavement leave. Although this hasn’t passed yet, and we can’t know exactly what it will stipulate until it is enacted if it is, at least it is a step in the right direction.

Allowing adequate time for people to deal with the dying and death of a loved one should be a priority in our society. When each of my parents died, even though I had a good job working for the state, bereavement leave wasn’t part of my benefits.  I only could get off work using sick leave and then I wasn’t allowed more than three days.  I also was working part time at another job at the time, and they graciously allowed me to take time off that I needed to tend to all I had to deal with at the time, but that time off was unpaid.

I wonder when businesses or the government are making rules about bereavement if the people making the rules have ever suffered a loss.  I can imagine someone in the Human Resources department of a company telling and employee who had just called in to report that his son had been killed by a car in a crosswalk, that the HR person would say “I’m sorry for your loss, but this company does not provide bereavement leave. Be sure to come in to work today so that you won’t risk losing your job for not showing up.” Yes, things like this do happen.

Think about it. Recall how you felt immediately after your loved one died. Even three days later, were you capable of doing whatever your job was?  I felt like I was teaching like a robot, providing essential information but not engaging with my students.  The evaluations my students submitted about me the quarter my father died unexpectedly were the worst I ever received, even though my evaluations were usually very good.  When employers expect their workers to keep the standards they always had while they are dealing with the fresh trauma of grief is completely unreasonable.

Because I took care of both of my husbands at home for two years before their deaths, I wasn’t working at the time they died.  There was no way I could have worked either time. I was fortunate to have close friends who handled any arrangements that were essential while I sat in a fog or curled up in bed. I can’t imagine how I could have worked either week.

I wrote this blog because I want us all to think about the concept of bereavement leave so that any time it comes up, we can advocate for it. This could be anything from talking to a friend who owns a business and asking them what they do.  This could start a conversation that could lead to change.  Also, contact your lawmakers and ask them to advocate for bereavement leave whenever they can. Even talk with your friends.  You may just be planting a seed that can lead to positive changes.

And when loss comes to you, be sure to take care of yourself. Rest, eat well, meditate.  Allow yourself the time to reset your focus. And when loss come to those you care about, be sure to support them with love.  That’s always my intention to do for you.

 

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

Bereaved Mother’s Day

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I wrote an open letter to Moms who have had pregnancy losses, stillborn babies, and infants and young children who died.  I am sharing this letter with you today in case you are in this special sisterhood of moms, or if you know someone who is. Please share this message for any mom you know will be dealing with this loss on this and every Mother’s Day.

When we first start to think about having a baby, we picture the perfect little bundle we love to hold and rock. We prepare by learning everything we can about taking care of ourselves while pregnant and taking care of our precious baby when it arrives. We are not likely to be thinking that our experience will be less than perfect, but so often everything does not turn out the way we expected.

Something we don’t often think about is that the process of becoming a mother requires being brave. From the moment you become pregnant, and even before that if you are trying to get pregnant, you start showing signs of bravery like showing the strength you have to go through the physical process of being pregnant and having a baby, and to deal with all the emotions that come along with that. You have the courage to deal with changes in your body, in your relationships, and your finances. You have the strength to evolve into the mother you always wanted to be.  And you are devastated when things don’t turn out the way you planned. The good news is that when this happens, ultimately you will gain strength from dealing with your loss. I discovered writing about my baby was a great comfort to me when I needed it the most.

So it is the fall of 1969. After two years as an infertility patient, I am finally pregnant. I am so excited to tell my parents who had two granddaughters and were hoping that I would have a son. Mom and I had never talked much, but we do talk about this baby. She teaches me how to crochet, and the first thing I make is a baby blanket. My husband was pleased that we had finally succeeded, and the baby is on the way.

Then, I started bleeding. My doctor put me on bedrest and I strictly obeyed his instructions knowing I would do anything for this precious baby.  I was in bed for a month, except for going to his office once a week to get a shot of something that was supposed to help my situation.  Then one night, I knew that my time with this pregnancy was up and we went to the hospital. I didn’t really understand what was happening when it did, and when I asked, they just said I wasn’t pregnant anymore. I asked to see the baby, and they wouldn’t let me. I asked if it was a boy or a girl, and they told me not to worry about that. I asked them what would happen to the baby now, and they wouldn’t tell me that either. I had lost so much blood that kept me in the hospital for a couple of days to build my strength. All the while, I was having nightmares about where my baby had been taken and why they wouldn’t let me see him. I just knew he was a boy. This was so long ago, and at that time, they thought keeping information from the mother was best for her.  Of course, we know now that it is not.

When I returned home, my husband stayed away, not talking to me about what had happened. I was sure he was disappointed in me because I had lost the baby. I had never heard of anyone having a miscarriage before, so I thought there must be something very wrong with me. I had no one to talk to, so I started writing to Matthew, my name for my baby.  The more I wrote to him, the better I felt. I realized that I hadn’t done anything wrong, and I hadn’t failed. My Matthew became my guardian angel.  I found comfort in my silent conversations with him, and I found my strength again. And eventually, I became pregnant again.  I knew this time that I would have a boy and that somehow Matthew knew him.  Later I had another baby, a girl this time. In the many moves I have had since then, that journal I wrote in disappeared, but I have continued throughout my life having my silent conversations with Matthew.

When we experience something as traumatic as the loss of a pregnancy, a baby, or a child, we often feel helpless with such a variety of feelings to deal with. If we choose to ignore those feelings and try to go on like nothing happened, we are likely to keep feeling worse, yet we may be afraid to deal with what has happened. To move forward in our lives, finding comfort after our loss is essential. Instead of hiding your feelings, try writing about them. You will discover that the more you write, the easier it is to deal with those feelings.

So now let me help you get started writing. No matter how recent your loss, now is the time to get a special journal just for writing about it. Write from the perspective as the mother you are. I am going to give you a list of things to write about to get you started. I have these questions on a handout for you, so for now, just listen to the ideas. Then we will take about 10 minutes to write about that one item.

 

  1. Write about how you felt when you discovered you were going to be a mom. Include all the details, positive and negative. What were your plans, your hopes, and dreams?  What were you doing to get ready? What kind of life were your planning for your child?
  2. Write about the experience of your loss. Include all the details. What happened? How did you handle it? Who was there for you?I know that recalling all this is hard, and it is painful.  Write about it anyway.  What happens is that when you keep all this experience in your mind, you can almost torture yourself with it, like I did when I didn’t know what happened with my baby. When you write out your experience, the process starts for you to be able to deal better with your loss.  You may need to write the experience several times in different ways focusing on different aspects of your loss. The more you write, the less you will have to write. Compare this to washing clothes.  They can start out very dirty, but the more you wash them, the cleaner and brighter they become.
  3. Write about things you would have loved to experience with your baby and follow through with this as time goes by exploring everything about your child.
  4. Write what you will tell other children you have about this baby they didn’t get to meet. Talk to them about the beauty of unconditional love that you share with all your children.
  5. Write on holidays and special days like when school would start. Talk to them about how they would like to dress up for Halloween or what they would love to get in their stockings for Christmas.
  6. Write about what activities they would enjoy growing up from sports to clubs, to art they would like to create.
  7. What would their experience as a teenager be? What college would they like to go to. What career would they like to have?
  8. Write them every birthday and every Mother’s Day. Those days are especially likely to bring up thoughts and feelings.

Matthew was due on Labor Day and would have turned 50 last Fall. I am grateful I have had him with me through our silent conversations throughout my life.

Let me finish by recalling one of my journal entries to him. You can see from this that over time, the thoughts your write of how life would have been with that child can bring your smiles instead of pain.

Dear Matthew,

It’s Labor Day and today would have been your eighth birthday. We are having our friends over to have a bar-b-q.  How you would have loved hamburgers and potato salad. I made a big, luscious chocolate cake with homemade vanilla ice cream, which I know would have been your favorite. I would love to have given you an easel and a whole set of paint since I know you love to create things. Your brother and sister would have loved to celebrate with you. You hold such a special place in my heart. I will always carry you there.

Love,

Momma

 

Now start your own journey with your child. Write all about everything you can think of related to your loss. And keep writing until you know that you don’t need to anymore.

 

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

Are You Dealing With Fear?

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“There are only two emotions: love and fear.”

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Throughout time, many philosophers and psychiatrists have said that the only two emotions are love and fear. There is even scientific research agreeing with that theory.  Kathleen Seeley told me that we are only born with two fears: fear of falling and a fear of loud noises.  Those two fears are part of what comes naturally to us to protect us. Any other fears are what we create or imagine.

I grew up with a terrifying fear of heights.  I convinced myself that the fear had been created by a fall I had out of a second story window when I was four years old. Even though I was that young, I still have vivid memories. I was criticized and made fun of because of my fear, and I even had a friend try to cure me by walking me to the edge of a balcony to show me that I had nothing to be afraid of.  It didn’t work.

I have worn glasses much of my life partially for a significant astigmatism so when I heard that Lasik eye surgery could fix that, I was thrilled to have it done. The surgery is done under local anesthetic, so when it was completed, I got up off the operating and had a miraculous experience.  Suddenly, the floor was where it was supposed to be.  I am sure that sounds strange, but I realized all my life I had been seeing though something like glasses with funhouse lenses causing me to perceive each step I took as stepping over the edge of a sharply bent floor.  At that moment I realized that my fear was not real. This caused me to look at my life differently, and to question when I started to feel fear.

I suggest that you think about anything that you feel afraid about and see if you can figure out what causes that fear and if it is something you can release. This can change your life.  I had the pleasure of attending a day long workshop with Byron Katie.  She taught us all how to do what she calls The Work. She developed this powerful method of questioning what you are feeling or believing that can be transformational for you.  Her questions are:

  1. Is it true? (Yes or no? If no, move to 3.)
  2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true? (Yes or no.)
  3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
  4. Who or what would you be without the thought?”

You can find exactly how to do The Work by visiting her website: https://thework.com/

Fear is common in grief. A few things you might fear are:

  • Living by yourself for the first time.
  • Being responsible for taking care of your home, your car
  • Going out socially alone
  • Have no one to sleep with at night
  • A concern for having enough money or losing your medical insurance
  • Having no one to share your life with

You may not have even thought about these things in the context of fear, yet this is all fear. And the good news is, you can do something to change how you are feeling.  A good start would be to use Byron Katie’s The Work.  Or you can start by writing in your journal all the things that you are afraid of now, and what you can consciously release just by discovering that you have that fear.

In my case, after Ron died, I started reviewing how my life was different.  I was relieved to discover how grateful I was that I had learned how to release fear from Ron and Byron Katie, and that I am choosing to live in a state of love instead of in a state of fear. A quote I love by Jack Canfield is: “Feel the fear and take action anyway.”

And I love this quote from Rumi:

“If you want the moon, do not hide from the night. If you want a rose, do not run from the thorns. If you want love, do not hide from yourself.”

What is the Ideal Way to Deal With Grief?

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Here is the dilemma.   There is no ideal way to grieve.  Each grief is as individual as each fingerprint.  How you grieve depends on lots of different considerations:

  1. How long did you know who you are grieving for?
  2. How close were you to this person?
  3. What are your personal feelings about death?
  4. What do you think happens after death?
  5. What new responsibilities do have because of this death?
  6. Is your income affected?
  7. Are you relieved?
  8. Are you devastated?
  9. Are you alone?
  10. Are you angry?

I could go on and on with this list.  What is most important, though, is how you feel right now and what you are willing or able to do. I have heard that following Elisabeth Kubler Ross’s Five Stages of Grief is the best way to deal with grief, so let me put that idea to rest.  To start off with, she wrote those stages about dying, not grieving.  While you may be able to apply some, or maybe all the stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance to your grief, chances are most of them won’t apply to you, and if they do, there are lots of other stages people have suggested like shock, disbelief, pain, and hope to name a few.

Does having a list to check off really help? I don’t think so. The best way to deal with your grief is to pay attention to what you are experiencing and act on that. For instance, the main feeling some people experience is loneliness. If you were accustomed to spending most of your time with your loved one who died, chances are, you may be having a hard time figuring out what to do now. If this is your case, what could you do to help with your loneliness?  I found that getting together with others who were also dealing with loss to write about what we were experiencing helped me a lot, as it did the other members of the group. Or you may prefer to spend time with people who aren’t dealing with loss so you can focus on something different.

If binge watching Netflix allows you some escape for a while helps, do that, and don’t judge yourself for doing it. Just be sure to come up for air sometimes and do something different. Discover what brings you some joy. Is it calling or Zooming with grandchildren? Or maybe you want to hear from an old friend.  Instead of waiting for that person to contact you, reach out. I just had a wonderful conversation on the phone with a friend who I hadn’t talked to in ten years. When we hung up, we both were smiling and have stayed in touch since.

The key here is not to judge yourself in relation to how others are dealing with their grief. Rather, find the ways to deal with your grief that suit you the best. Think about what you want to do, about what could help you feel better. Then do it, whatever it is. One thing that helps me is to walk on the beach.  I also love to garden and write. Discover something that you feel good doing and that you look forward to doing again, then do it. Just take good care of yourself, please. You are worth it!

 

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

Losing a Loved One Before Death

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Mom drove from her house an hour away to be with us on Thanksgiving. We had a pleasant weekend and even went shopping because she wanted to buy an electric blanket. She got so cold at night.  She drove herself home Sunday evening. On Tuesday I got a call from the business I owned that was on the same property as mom’s house. She always played Bridge on Tuesday mornings with the same three friends she had since they were all newlyweds. Her friends had called the company when she didn’t show up for Bridge. My staff checked on her and found her on the floor by her bed. She was alive but had fallen Sunday evening when she was trying to put the blanket on her bed. She was disoriented and dehydrated, so they took her to the hospital.

I drove up to the hospital right away.  The doctors said they didn’t know exactly what was wrong with her, but she needed not to be alone when they discharged her a two days later.  I stayed with her for a couple of weeks while she was seeing her doctor and having tests, then took her home with me. I called the doctor’s office because we had been waiting weeks for results.   The nurse said the doctor had been busy, but I insisted on speaking to him. It turned out he was getting into his car to leave on vacation, but he took my call. He told me she had a brain tumor, it wasn’t cancer, it was inoperable, and he couldn’t talk to her until after his vacation.

My mother watched me on the phone with him and asked what he said, so I told her.  We held each other and cried. After that, I was amazed at what happened.  My dad had died a few years before, and she stopped smiling.  After I told her this news, she started to smile again. She was happy that she didn’t have to live without him anymore. She lived eight more months.

Observing the changes in her mental state was challenging and fascinating at the same time. Sometimes she was there mentally, and sometimes she wasn’t. She ranged from carrying on conversations with me to having conversations out loud with people who had been gone for years, not noticing that I was there. I did have to watch her closely for her safety. We had a swimming pool she was fascinated with, so we had to keep the doors locked. One time she found an unlocked door and went running down the street laughing and seeming happy to be free, but terrifying to me as I chased her.

I was with her when she died. She had stopped eating and had lost so much weight that she was almost unrecognizable. I felt such a peace in the room when she left. Her sister was in the other room. Her sister had planned for me to be the one to manage her affairs if she couldn’t, and not long after this, her sister was diagnosed with the same type of brain tumor, and I got to go through the whole process over again.  Aunt Ila didn’t recognize me and didn’t know where she was, but she did talk about her younger years, so that’s where our conversations took place. I was grateful that she had asked me to help her so that I was prepared when the time came.

What I learned from these experiences is getting frustrated doesn’t help. I always let them both know that they were loved and taken care of. I missed them much before they were no longer physically there. And I learned the grace, comfort, and beauty of loving unconditionally. If you find yourself in a similar situation, be sure to take good care of yourself which is something we tend to forget when we are in the caretaker role.

Sending you much love on your journey–

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.