The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Love

The Importance of Right Now

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Internationally, our world is focused on the pandemic of the Covid 19 virus. You are hearing about it everywhere you turn. Let me give you some practical advice. 

A virus is a tiny parasite that can only survive in a living organism. It spreads by being introduced into your body. So all that advice about washing your hands and not touching your face is exactly what you need to do. Actually, this is exactly what we all need to always do. 

You can check yourself by taking in a nice deep breath and holding it for a slow count of 10. If you actually have the virus, this would be difficult to do. If you wait until it’s hard for you to breathe, you may have waited too long. Also, keep your mouth moist.  Sip water frequently and the virus can attach to dry places, but if it is washed down to the stomach, the acid there will kill the virus.

Now that you know all that, the best thing to do is let go of any fear you have related to the virus and focus completely on the moment right now. We can’t change the past of the virus appearing. We can’t know the future of how it may affect us. All you or we have is this moment.

What can you do? Focus on love. Call people you love and have wonderful conversations. Send emails to everyone you’d love to hear from. Look at all the beauty around you. Pour your inspiration into creating something you always wanted to. Hug your children. Fix special meals for your family or just for you. You are worth experiencing wonderful food and flowers and exercise and life.

Right now, immerse yourself in only positive, beautiful miracles in your life. And as far as the virus goes, remember that we all are born, and we all die. If it happens to be your time to transition, open your arms and your heart and embrace it. If it’s not your time, make the most of every moment you have left. Life is good! And so it is!

Grateful for My Love

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Valentine’s Day is always a tough one.  Everywhere I look I see hearts, flowers, and diamonds. People are smiling and holding hands, and here I sit trying to remember what it felt like to be kissed.  When I realized what I was doing, I decided I had better shift my focus, so I started remembering the Valentines of days past.

I never wanted to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day because I always imagined it would be crowded, but on our first Valentine’s, Ron showed up and wanted to take me out to dinner. We walked to one of our favorite places, and we happened to be the first ones there so not having reservations was not a problem. And he brought me a beautiful necklace that had two hearts, overlapping. One was silver and the other gold. A perfect representation of us. We had a wonderful evening with dessert back at my place after dinner.

Thinking about that sweet experience, I started to recall things I was grateful about both Ron and Jacques. And I started writing them down.  I always write what I am grateful for every day, but this was different. I intentionally wrote about the sweet romantic things my husbands did that remind me of how very much they loved me.  I wrote, and wrote, and wrote.

I recalled how when Jacques and I got married, I made my dress and he didn’t get to see it before the wedding. We got married at his house.  Everyone was gathered in the living room, and he came to the bedroom to get me when it was time to start the wedding. He was so entranced by the dress, that he came in to look at it and all the little details till the minister came to get us, and everyone laughed.

One year I purchased a little black journal with red hearts on it for Ron. And I filled it up with 100 examples of one thing on each page that was a reason I loved him and was grateful for him.  Once I started writing it, I had no problem filling up the book. I still have that book and can open it every once in a while, when I am missing him.

Once I started writing just beautiful things about my loves and wonderful experiences we had, I couldn’t help but smile. This Valentine’s Day try making a list of things you are grateful about for about your loved one.  It doesn’t have to be a husband. Write about your mother, your son, you’re your friend, your special pet: anyone you miss.  Smile as you write and feel the comforting presence of their love.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

ThanksGIVING

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I woke up this morning just overflowing with gratitude, grateful for a day to celebrate all that thanks! Then I started to think about the giving that goes along with that thanks. I realized that giving can make me just as happy (if not more happy) than receiving.  

What can you give today? Probably lots! I just drove by a school crossing guard who smiled and threw me a Shaka sign, an Hawaiian greeting where the thumb and little finger are extended from a closed fist. I couldn’t help but smile and throw him one back! Generally, when you smile at someone, that person will smile back as kind of a natural reaction, and that smile might be the only one that person has that day. So smile at people you see whether you know them or not. Spread that joy! And while you are at it, smile at yourself in the mirror!

You can also give little love and support with an email, a text, or a little handwritten note. This costs nothing but the moment it takes to do it, and it can make someone’s day.

Friday is Black Friday for all the big sales, and Monday is Cyber Monday for all things electronic. But the great day coming up is Giving Tuesday where the world is encouraged to donate to what they love and support. Millions of dollars are given this day, and it’s a wonderful way to start the holiday season. Facebook even matches the first seven million dollars donated through Facebook! If you are on Facebook, I’m sure you’ll see lots of opportunities to give. Anyone can create a fundraiser for anything they want to support. When you even give a dollar, or five dollars, that adds up fast when lots of people are doing it and can make a giant difference to your cause.

I created a Giving Tuesday Fundraiser for Jazz Camp Maui which my granddaughter Katie Thiroux created to teach jazz and Hawaiian culture to students and jazz teachers from all over the world right here on Maui each June. I love seeing the donations add up to support this fun cause. Jazz Camp Maui donation

Whatever your favorite cause is, now is the time to celebrate the season with your support.

And most of all, give a gift to you of some self love. Do something that makes you feel good whether it be curling up by the fire with a good book, going for a walk in a beautiful place, soaking in a bubble bath, or calling a good friend. Pick something special that will leave you smiling and feeling good inside. Then pass that good feeling on. Pay it forward to spend some joy thoughout the world!

Moments of Grief

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I have a wonderful studio that Ron had built for me when we moved to Maui. He knew I would miss the studio I had on the mainland, so he arranged for a bigger studio to be built here. As wonderful as my studio is, by the time it was completed, I needed to be with Ron most of the time, and even though the studio is on our property, it’s  far enough away from the house so that when time was of the essence when he had medical emergencies, I couldn’t get back up to the house fast enough. So, I didn’t spend much time there.

After Ron’s transition, I just couldn’t bring myself to go to the studio. Now, two years later, I am feeling creative again and have been appreciating what a wonderful gift studio is to me.  I was there a couple of days ago and was suddenly overcome by tears. I realized that it was a profound moment of missing him. When the tears slowed, I was able to complete what I was doing before I came back up to the house, though still a little shaken.

Ron used to spend much time on our lanai, Hawaiian for patio, where he would enjoy the beauty, the birds, the rainbows, and the butterflies that would actually come up and land on him. He told me that there would come a time that when I saw a butterfly or heard the birds or saw a rainbow, that I would know he was right there with me. Also, we got married on 1/1/11, so whenever I see 1111, I feel his presence also.

Since my episode at the studio, I have been a little fragile. I have moments of grief when I see something about someone dying on TV or someone mentions a loved one they are grieving for. But each time something comes up, the birds, the rainbows, or the butterflies or show up. And so does 1111. Yesterday I was talking on the phone with someone from a company who is helping with a big fundraising project I am working on. I am very excited about this project to raise funds for the Jazz Camp Maui my granddaughter has created. When I hung up, I looked at my phone and it was 11:11. Ron loved the idea of this camp, so I knew he is right here supporting my efforts. Think of what special things remind you of your loved one and notice when you see or experience them.

As the holidays are coming, we all are more prone to moments of grief which is perfectly natural as we go through this experience. The key is to stay in the moment and not get lost in the sorrow.  Think of how our loved one would want us to feel. Remember the joy of our love for them. Find little ways to celebrate that joy from writing or calling someone who is alone for the holidays, to volunteering someplace that could really use your help. Discover how wonderful life still is, and how much better it is because of the love you got to share.

 

Sign up for my free class to help you through the holidays.

Everything is Temporary

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In Bali, there are temples everywhere.  Most families live in compounds with every element located in the ideal place. And every compound has a temple. The temple or family shrine is always placed at the northeast corner of the compound. These shrines are made out of soft stones that are intricately carved to honor ancestors and Gods. When a Balinese man gets married, he builds a shrine for that. These carvings are expensive to have done, so many families construct the temples and shrines with flat stones and have them cared as they can afford to. What fascinates me is that these carvings only last three to six years as they disintegrate in the elements. This makes the maintaining of all these shrines and temples on Bali an ongoing process. And all the carving is done by hand, no power tools!

The Balinese also pray every day and make offerings to the Gods. Small decorative baskets are woven from coconut palm fronds and inside are placed four different kinds of flowers representing the colors of the four directions. And food is always included as well as lit incense. You see these everywhere in Bali, thousands of them fresh every day. They are beautiful, then they get tossed in the trash.

The calendar is different in Bali. A new year starts every 210 days. Along with this calendar, there are many celebrations in the Bali year along with blessings and celebrations for weddings and for lots of other things. Whole communities participate in the celebrations and streets are always lined with festive Penjor. These are tall, up to 31 feet, decorated bamboo poles that bend gracefully over the roads they line. The decorations are all created by hand, and at the end of the celebrations, they are taken down and burned.

All these beautiful things have short lives, but the communities continue to create them to constantly celebrate, honor, and be surrounded by beauty.

 

We traveled to the water temple at Tirtha Empul on our last day together. Erected over a natural spring, the temple was created as a place of cleansing. Our wonderful guide was a friend of Gaya Ceramics who owns a vegan restaurant and sustainable garden near Gaya. He explained that we all take showers or baths to wash away what we can see on the outside, but the Balinese believe it is also important to wash away what doesn’t show symbolically. This allows us to release what we no longer need and make space for what we aspire to. To do this, we enter the springs fully clothed including a sarong. Then we walk up to the spout of crystal- clear flowing water to cleanse however we want to. The source of the water for all the spouts and all the people is the same, as is the source of everything.

Experiencing this beautiful ritual was refreshing and restoring. I used the opportunity to focus on what is the most important to me. This was a fitting end of this Bali journey which demonstrated the impermanence and fragility of the material aspects of life as well that the strength and importance of love which lasts forever.

I am grateful I said yes to this journey.

Monkey See, and I Did Too

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I am writing this from the middle of the Monkey Forrest in Ubud as I wait for my friends who are vigorous explorers. I am surrounded by what seems like a million monkeys and am observing so many life lessons. As we purchased our tickets we were given specific instructions  on what to do and not do as we enter the Monkey Forrest which seemed to be ignored by most of the crowd.

I walked with my friends who I only met two days ago at the workshop I am attending. They are delightful and kind, always being sure to let me hold on to one of them when I was going down steps or walking on uneven ground. 

I see tiny baby monkeys and more sedentary elders. The young monkey families stick close together while the youth run, and forage, and grab anything loose or shiny. One little guy had torn up a cigarette pack and was sucking on broken cigarettes. Another had dismantled a plastic mint box and was enjoying his bounty. The humans were doing them no favors.

One young man was startled as a monkey jumped on his back trying to open the zippers on his back pack. He started to panic trying to knock the monkey off his back when a park worker told him to stop that and keep walking, and as he did, the monkey jumped down. Another young man had an insect repellent bottle dangling off his back pack and a little monkey jumped up and grabbed the bottle sucking it like a baby bottle and ripping it from the backpack as the man knocked him away.

After I left my group to find somewhere to sit, I saw two monkeys fighting then running toward me as the battle continued. They had told us not to run from the monkeys, so I stood still. One ran behind me and was peeking around my legs at the other who was making faces at him while creating hissing screeches. I knew not to look them in the eye, so I observed aloofly until they seemed to decide that I was too big an obstacle and ran their separate ways. A little scary yet exhilarating!

As I continued my walk, I saw that the monkeys were observing us as we were observing them. They groomed and fed each other. They socialized in groups. They stared at us trying to make eye contact. They had no fear. They petted and hugged each other. Families huddled together. Their lives seemed simple, carefree, joyful, and loving. 

I learned much from the monkeys.