The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Love

Letters to My Mother

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My parents we married 80 years ago today. They were married on Mother’s Day. So this week, my thoughts keep drifting toward them. I lead a Writing Through Grief group here on Maui, and one of our favorite exercises is to write letters, so I’m going to write a letter to my mother this week. The problem is, I haven’t done this before, and there are so many things I could say. I’ve been thinking of ideas to focus on. Here are a few:

  • I could pick out a few of my favorite memories and reminisce with her, like the time we found her mother’s love letters to her first husband when we were cleaning out her garage together. Or how when I was writing my book she would sit in a chair behind me so she could watch me write over my shoulder. She was fascinated by my computer which at that time was a new thing. Or I could write about how we shopped together to buy material for my bridesmaids’ dresses, then we shopped together again to buy material for my daughter’s wedding dress.
  • I could write to her about how I discovered how much she must have loved me when I was rocking my baby in the middle of the night and feeling overwhelmed by my love for him. She wasn’t one to express her emotions, but at that moment, I knew how she must have felt when she held me.
  • I could thank her for what she did for me throughout my life remembering how hard she worked to help me get to college, and how hard it must have been to let her 18 year old daughter move so far away. And how she let my best friend move into my bedroom when her new husband was sent off to Vietnam..
  • I could tell her how grateful I am that she chose to come live with us during her last year and all the amazing adventures we had during that precious time.

I could write a whole book about her. I only wish I would have talked to her about so many things while I still could. We didn’t communicate well, and I am sure that’s one of the reasons I became a writer because I want nothing left unsaid.

In our writing group, after we write a letter, we take a breath, then write another letter that is from who we just wrote to back to us. So when I write my Mom, I would write from her back to me. These letters aren’t planned. We just let whatever comes to us flow out on to the page. We have received beautiful, meaningful answers. I’m sure we could debate on where these answers come from, but what matters to me is the peace and joy they can bring.

So I encourage you today to write a letter to your mother. You may want to write it in your journal or find a special place to save it so you can go back and read it when you could use some mom time. And if your mom is still here, be sure to put it in the mail.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Happy May Day!

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Happy May Day! I remember as a child creating little paper baskets that I could put flowers in. I filled them with roses from our garden and hung them on my neighbors’ doorknobs. I always dreamed of dancing around a maypole with flowers in my hair grasping a ribbon attached to the top of the pole. And I heard that May Day was celebrated with cake, so I was always looking for one that never seemed to appea r. I think I’ll bake my own cake today!

May Day is a Northern Hemisphere celebration supposedly to welcome summer, though summer doesn’t officially start till June 21. I plan to celebrate anyway. I choose to go for a walk and pay attention to all the lovely flowers blooming now. If you have flowers you can pick from your garden, I encourage you to share some to celebrate with your loved ones. We don’t really need to have a certain day set aside to celebrate. I see the value of celebrating every day that I am alive, that I can do something significant to help others, and that I can breathe and enjoy this wonderful world! I feel all my loved ones who have transitioned smiling and me today and sending lots of love!

I am happy to wish you Happy May Day and hope that you will pass this greeting along with a great, big smile!

Flow

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“The only thing that is constant is change.”

Heraclitus of Ephesus, Greek Philosopher

 

 

When we grieve, we often feel like things will never get better. We know we can’t go back to how things were before whatever happened leading to our loved one’s death. And we can’t see a future beyond where we are right now. With all this, there is one thing I can guarantee, things will change.

Every morning, the sun comes up to brighten our day. Every evening, the sun goes down so we can have the peace of darkness to get our rest. Every time we blink our eyes, we open them back up again. Every time we breath in, we exhale. Every time our heart contracts with a beat, it relaxes again. So you know in your heart that the next moment can’t be just like the present one.

The key to moving forward is to relax and allow changes. Holding on tightly to something takes and enormous amount of energy, while releasing what you hold allows you to lighten your load of concern. Try this. Sit in a calm, quiet space. Get comfortable. Close your eyes. Focus on your breath. Breath in slowly. Breathe out slowly. Recognize the flow of air. Feel as oxygen circulates throughout your body, nourishing you cells, exchanging with carbon dioxide to be released as you exhale. Keep breathing slowly observing how your body feels in the process. Notice that your body is constantly moving. The movement is your life, and the flow is how you move forward. So even when you feel like your grief is not allowing you to move forward, you can feel now how you can’t be mired, unable to move, because your life will not allow that stillness.

Recognizing this flow of your life allows you to release what you need to and move toward your next new thought, new feeling, new adventure, new love. Being in sync with your flow allows everything to flow to you, through you, and from you. You can recognize how your life is here to serve you, not to hold you down or hold you back.

So right now, today, pay attention to your flow, and be grateful for it. Know that everything is working together for your good.

 

Spring Up!

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Easter for me has always reminded me of a fresh start. That after a time of stillness, it’s time to begin again. In my heart I know that I am whole, complete, and perfect, and I know that making the best of each moment is my goal.

I remember wonderful times growing up where the family gathered with tons of food, especially ham and potato salad. We’d eat outdoors and wild flowers blanketed the hillside. Mom taught me the names of all the different wild flowers. I especially loved lupine and poppies. 

Now missing all that family, I will remember them and start my own new tradition of a little beach picnic that must include potato salad and flowers. I will bring to mind each of those loved ones with sweet memories and in their honor, plan my fresh start blossoming more each day, opening up to more light, more, love, more joy. I wish this for you, too!

I have created a new, Closed Facebook group just for my followers to share about reclaiming their joy after loss. I will be posting ideas to support you on your journey. Go to this link to join:  http://facebook.com/groups/ReclaimingYourJoyAfterLoss

Stuck

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Do you feel stuck in your grief? Do you sometimes feel like things will never be better than they are right now? Do you long for the way things were before your loss? Do you think you will never feel whole again or even feel better? Did you know that usually all these thoughts come from your monkey mind, what Eckhart Tolle calls “the voice in your head”? And I hear you say, “But I don’t want to feel this way! Why would I do this to myself?” And the answer is, you are letting that monkey mind run amuck.

That voice in our head is frequently like background music that is constantly running. And you can do something about it. First, recognize that it is there and that basically it’s just trying to help. So I invite you to take a moment right now to listen to what it is telling you. You may be having a bad day and feel alone. Your monkey mind may be saying something like “Oh, poor me. I am so alone and being alone makes me feel so bad.  All I want to do is cry even though I know that doesn’t help.” So let’s take a look at what she said from the perspective of this very moment. First, are you “poor”? Probably not. You have a home to live in, food to eat, and some friends and family. Next, right now do you have to be alone? In this moment, can you decide to take some flowers from your yard to a neighbor? Or you could email a friend. Or you could send a note of support to someone. So right there are 3 different people you can be in contact with so that you are not alone. And next, do you really feel bad? If you do feel bad, make a list of 10 things that make you feel good, then start doing them. You will be too busy to feel bad. And the last thing she said was about crying. If you do feel like crying, cry, right now. If you can’t just cry at this moment, maybe you don’t really need to. And if you do cry at this moment, cry it out. The tears can wash away what has been building up, and when you are done, you can have a fresh start in this moment.

Now it’s time to make friends with that monkey mind. Decide to work together toward your good. Thank your monkey mind and give it some love. As with any relationship, nurturing it will make it stronger and allow more joy in your life.

When you get those stuck feelings, pay attention. Write the feelings down and examine if they are true. If they aren’t true, let them go. If they are true, now you can go about healing or fixing, or whatever you need to do to make things better. The key is to live only in truth and to take good care of yourself. Fully embrace yourself with love.

 

 

Smile

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Comedian Bill Mahar ends his act on stage after each performance by singing silent film star Charlie Chaplin’s song Smile. The night I saw him, Woody Harrelson came on stage with him to play the piano and sing with him, and Paul Simon came on to sing with him too. What a treat! But when he announced that they would sing that song, I thought it was an odd choice because as I had heard the song throughout my life, I always thought it was kind of sad, and this was a comedy show.

When I woke up this morning with the music to the song running through my head, I decided I would look up the lyrics. I realized that the music came to me because that was just what I needed to hear today. Here they are for you:

Smile

Music by Charles Chaplin, Lyrics by John Turner and Geoffrey Parsons

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it’s breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
you’ll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You’ll see the sun come shining through
for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That’s the time you must keep on trying
Smile what’s the use of crying
You’ll find that life is still worthwhile
If you’ll just
Smile

https://www.charliechaplin.com/en/articles/42-Smile-Lyrics

Scientific research shows that smiling actually affects your brain chemistry. The act of smiling works to lift your mood activating feelings of joy and happiness. When you smile big activating all the muscles in your face, you will notice the difference. And the more you smile, the more you will want to smile. “Smiling relaxes the facial muscles and calms the nervous system. Laughing sends more oxygen to the brain. That triggers the release of brain chemicals called endorphins. These chemicals help us feel positive. Laughing can lower blood pressure, relieve stress, and boost mood.” Robert Provine

Try this: take a deep breath in and smile big, then slowly breathe out, relaxing and maintaining your smile. Don’t you just feel better? And try this: look at someone who is talking to you right in the eyes and smile big. They may ask you what you are doing, but more likely, they will start smiling along with you. Seeing smiles inspires smiling, so not only will your spirits be lifted, but so will those of who you are around.

So today, every time you pass a mirror or your reflection in a window, have that be a reminder to smile. The more you smile, the more you will want to smile, and notice how good it feels!