The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Love

As Time Goes By

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This morning Michelle asked me if we ever stop grieving. I responded that we don’t, but it does soften into a beautiful part of our lives instead of a constant pain.

When each of my husbands died, I lost track of space and time, and I don’t remember how long that lasted. Gradually, time started creeping back in to perspective. I would have an appointment to go to or pressing business that had to be attended, so slowly I became aware of time. I began to remember what day of the week it was. As odd as that sounds to me now, I realize I was out of sync with the world around me.

At first, I would think to myself, he died four days ago, or last week, or twelve days ago. Then I realized I was counting in weeks. I remembered when my babies were little and their short lives we measured first in days, then weeks, then months, and eventually years. That’s how it goes after the death of a loved one, too. 

On September eighth of this year, I realized that I hadn’t thought about September 4 which would have been thirteen months since Ron left. At first I felt guilty at my failure to remember. After I beat myself up a little, I woke up and knew that I haven’t forgotten him, that I had just started expanding my life to think of something else too, and that was good.

My father died in 1989. Although that was almost thirty years ago, I still grieve him, but gently. Veteran’s Day, November 11, was always his favorite holiday as he fought in World War II and was very active in the Veterans of Foreign Wars. So every time I see someone with a VFW cap on or see a buddy poppy or hear that national anthem, I remember my Dad, how proud he was, and how proud I was of him. This is a softer kind of grief. When you can reflect on your loved one and smile, and instead of pain, you remember love.

The fresher your grief, the more your heart aches. And as time goes by, that ache will transform to a smile. 

Holidays and Grief

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Holidays present a special challenge to those grieving. Especially hard are the first ones that come by for the first time after a loved one departs. I realized that I was just ignoring the season when my first Christmas came. I had made the effort to create a Christmas card with a drawing I had done on the front, and I expressed inside the gratitude I had for all those who had supported me this year. Writing the card itself was challenging because I wanted to say just the right thing.

I know lots of people have stopped sending out cards, but for me it was a way to reach out to all those I care about.  I made a long list and sent lots of cards. In the love and work I put into the cards, I was hoping people would notice that I was reaching out for support. But they didn’t.  I got very few cards this year.  I assume that everyone is busy and they feel Christmas cards are a nuisance, but they weren’t to me. I did write a reply to every card I received, and I learned that just because something is important to me doesn’t me that anyone else will call.  I do not believe that anyone was trying to be hurtful.

So, on Christmas Day I was sitting alone, remembering the huge family gatherings that we had when I was growing up.  My mom had three living sisters and a brother and they would take turns as to who would host Christmas. There was not much money between us all, but we still had wonderful celebrations with lots of food, games, and love. I looked at my Facebook and noticed that members of grief groups were posting heavily that day, and most of them had the same feeling, that they were not invited. When I thought about that, I remember the first Christmas after Jacques, who I was with for 23 years, had died. Though his family dropped by for a short visit, I was basically by myself, and in tears, and thinking who would want to be around this crybaby dragging their Christmas down. As I thought that this year, I could hear my Ron, who I was with for 10 years, say to me, “Now how does thinking that serve you.” That woke me up. What could I do to improve the situation?

The first thing I did was to make a list of everyone who I could think of who may be alone that day or may have had a recent loss or tragedy in their family. The I wrote an individual note to each of them to send by email, by messenger, or by regular mail. I expressed my love and support and suggested we get together for the next holiday if possible at least by phone or mail since I live so far away from everyone else in the world!  Then I went farther and wrote a note to each one I noticed in the grief groups online who felt alone that day. I told them they had a virtual friend and that frequently people don’t have any idea what to say to people who are grieving so that if there is someone they needed to hear from, they could try to reach out first.

I didn’t hear back from many people, and that was OK.  At least I reminded them that I am alive, and that I would love to stay involved with my family and friends. The next holiday will be better, and I know I’ll find more people to reach out to then.