The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Love

What Would You Do?

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Today is my husband Ron’s birthday, so he is on my mind.  I remember talking to him about what we would do if either of us was dying. He said, “I would continue as I am, making the most of every moment.” I had been thinking for me I’d want to go to Tuscany and Bali and study ceramics in both places, that was until I heard what he said.

After that conversation, and actually before that too, we really did live in the moment. We’d did what we wanted to always. We spent most of our time together even when we were doing something else, like him watching sports or me reading. And we spent lots of time talking so that ultimately, we knew we had said all we needed to say to each other. And of course, we continued talking after that, too.

We didn’t talk much about the past or the future since we couldn’t change anything in the past and didn’t need to make plans for the future. We deeply enjoyed each other’s presence, and we’d find different ways to make each other happy.

I was concerned about the pain that was constant for him in the area of his kidneys, so I Googled it and found a reflexology technique I could do for him. So, every night when we went to bed, I gave him a foot rub concentrating on the pressure spots that are supposed to affect the kidneys.  I don’t know if it actually helped, but we both enjoyed giving and receiving that precious touch.

I knew he was ready to go when the time came, and he went on hospice.  Knowing that he was ready made his last week easier for both of us. After he transitioned was still hard, but easier to accept knowing that he was finally out of pain.

I wrote in my journal a lot after he died, and I realized that I was focusing on each present moment.  I could make it through one moment at a time. I reached a place where I was asking myself what I was supposed to do now. I realized I did have a future and that I wanted to make the most of it. That question came back to me of considering what I wanted to do in each moment, and I understood that my answer was the same as his. I am making the best of every moment, and I did go to Tuscany and Bali to study ceramics too.

What would you do if you knew you were dying?

 

 

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You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon

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Aliveness While Grieving

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Have you felt alone, empty, disconnected, vacant, or depleted? I know I have felt all these things and many more at some point in my grief. Falling into a deep void is easy to do and can be challenging to climb out of. The good news is you can. The darkness of grief is not a life sentence. When we love someone deeply, we will grieve them always and hold them in our hearts, and we can start feeling better at the same time. We can again feel alive.

When you chose to feel alive, you can. Start by examining what you are missing in your life now. Make a list of things you would like to feel now. Here are some of what I longed for:

Companionship

Fresh air

New thoughts

Joy

Healthy food

A refreshing shower

Grass on my feet

 

You can go on and on with your list. Now look at your list and think of the choices you can make to bring about these feelings. For instance:

Companionship: Ask a friend to go on a walk with you or have a cup of coffee with you.

Fresh air: Go to a park, a forest, a beach or anywhere else that feels fresh outside.

New thoughts: Read a book, listen to a podcast, watch a documentary.

Joy: Do things that make you happy like baking, gardening, dancing, singing.

Healthy food: Commit to eating vegetables every day. Go to a Farmer’s Market.

A refreshing shower: Take a shower or bath taking your time to experience revitalization.

Grass on your feet: Take off your shoes and sit or walk in the grass. Enjoy each moment.

 

The best way to start feeling more alive is to do something. Pay attention to what you feel. If you feel stuck, move. Take a deep breath. Stretch your arms up into the air. Walk around the block. Listen to some music you love and sign along or dance.

People grieving know how short life is. You have reached a point of no do-overs or second chances, so choose now to mindfully consider everything you do and think. Instead of allowing your life to just pass by, get active. Take charge knowing only you can take the very best care of yourself.

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

 

Are You Willing?

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I was just reading about a woman devastated by grief.  For the first year, she couldn’t smile or laugh. Her body hurt. Her heart hurt. Breathing hurt. She had no interest in anything even if it was something she had loved before. She had memory challenges. Food didn’t interest her. He weight dropped significantly. She didn’t read or watch tv or go out with friends. Suddenly, I realized that this was a description of me after Jacques died.

As I reflected on my situation, I realized that I wasn’t aware at the time that I had essentially checked out emotionally after Jacques died. That happened with my mother, too, when my father died. She stopped smiling, and she didn’t talk very much at all. My sister’s husband died in their bed, so she had the bed removed from her room and lived in her recliner in front of the tv which was always on. That’s where she stayed for years.

The thing that my mom, my sister, and I had in common with these situations was that we weren’t willing to change. My mom and sister just didn’t know how to be without their husbands, and initially, I didn’t either. What was different for me was I realized that I couldn’t survive in that place of emptiness. I had to change my thinking, and only I could do that on my own.

I started reading. I read Marci Shimoff’s Happy for No Reason because I did want to be happy, and at the same time, I couldn’t figure out how I could be happy alone. That book was rich with examples of people who were so much worse off than I who were truly happy, and I figured if they could be happy, so could I!

I read Lynn Twist’s the Soul of Money and that totally changed my perception of the importance of money in my life and how to best handle it. I gave away so many copies of that book because I loved it so much. My new attitude toward money allowed a sense of control and freedom in my life that I didn’t know I had been craving.

I had two friends that suggested I watch the movie The Secret. So, I watched it. I didn’t think that what they were saying about manifestation could be true. Then I thought I didn’t have anything to lose, so I tried manifesting little things, and discovered that I could actually decide how I wanted my life to be, and that I could make it happen, and I did.

I also started keeping a gratitude list.  That was hard for me to start because I thought I didn’t have anything to be grateful for since my husband died. Once I started writing out everything I could think of that I was grateful for, I realized that my life was good. I didn’t have to start from scratch to move forward. Knowing that my life was solid and secure, I could look ahead and focus on how my life was different now, and I started enjoying what I was doing.

The big revelation to me was that I was only able to make my life the best it could be under the circumstances was to be willing to change. Just because things weren’t the same as they were before Jacques’ death, that didn’t mean everything was bad. When I finally was willing to look at everything differently and to appreciate what I had and to be open to changes, then I could move forward. And I did. And I am thrilled that I did.  My life is so good now, and I am happier than I ever have been.

Are you willing to feel better, to breathe easier, to start enjoying your life again? What one thing can you do right now that will help you be open to your new, beautiful life? Please do whatever that is.  Take good care of your precious self in the process.

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

 

Unconditional Love

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Most of my life I had no idea what unconditional love was. I hadn’t thought much about love in general. I knew my parents loved me, but many times it seemed conditional. The first time I thought I fell in love, I realized that we could only be in love if I was perfect in his eyes in all things, and I wasn’t.  I learned from that the importance of being and doing what someone else expected of me. All that did for me is help me lower my self-esteem.

When my first baby was born, one night nursing him in the middle of the night, I realized what deep, true love really was. He was so little and so fully dependent on me. And I loved caring for him.  I also realized at that moment how my mother must have felt about me, but she was never able to demonstrate it.

I went through life thinking I could find true love if only circumstances were different. If only I was prettier, if only I got better grades, if only I had a magnificent job, if only I married a doctor, if only I was shorter (I grew to six feet tall when I was in seventh grade). All of those if onlys didn’t help me a bit.

When I met Jacques, I learned so much more about love. He loved me just the way I was, and I loved him that way too. I discovered along the way that we developed what I consider now to be a bad habit of judging people, and when you are judging others, you really are judging yourself too, and I fell back into that “if only” place I thought I had left behind.

We were both teaching college, and we’d say if only our students would pay more attention or take their education more seriously.  We both did lots of theatre and we were always complaining about actors not memorizing their lines or missing rehearsals. That judgement of others got in the way of us living our best lives.

I started learning about unconditional love from Ron. If I started to complain, he would say, wouldn’t it be better to do something positive about an issue than to get upset about it? That was hard for me at first, but I eventually realized that it is not my place to judge anyone else. When I learned that, the gateway began to open for me.

I finally started taking responsibility for myself. I stopped finding fault with others. That enabled me to make a huge shift. I started to love people for who they were. I choose to spend time with people I enjoy being with and I don’t judge them. And I don’t judge myself.

Why am I writing about all this right now? I have been observing the state of the world. So much of what is happening that is negative comes from judgement and hate. We could all learn from the song Hal David and Bert Bacharach wrote and Jackie DeShannon sang in the mid-sixties, What the World Needs Now:

What the world needs now is love, sweet love

It’s the only thing there is just too little of . . . .

No not just for some, but for everyone.

Imagine what our world would be now if we all chose to love one another instead of judging them. What if we are all at the beginning of a huge shift in the world? We can be if choose to.

Start right now. Remember the deepest love you have experienced or that you would love to experience. How does that feel? Take that feeling and pay it forward. If you realize you are judging someone or something, forgive yourself, forgive whoever you need to, and then start spreading that beautiful, unconditional love. May it circulate all over the world and beyond.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Do You Trust the Universe?

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Do you pay attention to the universe? In my younger years I lived in a bubble of paying attention only to what was directly around me. There was so much I had to focus on: Would I be able to pay the bills? Would I be able to find childcare I trusted and could afford? Would I have time to do everything I knew I needed to? Would I ever be truly happy? With questions like these hanging over my head, I felt constantly stressed and tired.  I found myself wondering if what I was experiencing was going to be the best experience of my life, and that made me sad.

I spent my life doing, never still.  At one point I had two full time jobs and actively participated in all aspects of the theatre at the same time.  Keeping busy allowed me to block my disappointment of what I lacked, making me think if I just completed one more thing, that would bring me happiness. But it didn’t.

When Ron and I got together, my life began to open. I learned that I didn’t have to be in constant motion. I learned how to be still and focus on all the beauty that surrounded me. Not the beauty of material things, but the beauty of taking deep breaths, the beauty of the nature that surrounded me.  The beauty of the song of the birds. The beauty of the love in Ron’s eyes. Up until this time, I had proclaimed that stress was my life. As I slowed down, I discovered that instead, my life is love.

More than romantic love, I felt the love of the universe surrounding me and protecting me. I realized that the universe was, is, and will always be there. Instead of focusing on what littered my path, I focused on seeing the beauty of it all. I saw that the universe is here to support me, and everyone else who inhabits it. The key is to recognize this and embrace it.

I talked to a woman who had gone to a desolate place in Africa on a humanitarian journey. She went there to help people. Her group went to see a group of people who lived in a community they had created in the desert. She had grand plans of educating them to do things she was familiar with to help them like proper nutrition, exercise, acceptable housing (acceptable to her and her group).

What they discovered was a joyous group functioning as one big, loving family. They had discovered how to eat with the food they would find together, and they were healthy. And no one was overweight. They had few material possessions, and they didn’t need them. Their clothing was minimal as they honored the beauty of their bodies, and they certainly didn’t need the warmth of clothing in the desert. And they had much more exercise than most of the people from the “civilized” country of the people who had come to train them. They bathed together, ate together, travelled together, cared for each other, and smiled, and danced, and loved with abandon.

The woman learned much more from them than what was in the lessons she had come to share. She came home a changed woman paying attention to what she focused on. She became a philanthropist focusing on projects that encouraged awareness of how to protect the planet and how to bring even more love and beauty into the world.

My focus changed after I spoke to her. I realized that all my material needs were met. I learned to focus on how I can help people live their best lives from a place of love and service. All I do now is focus on that, and what I wonderful life I am living now.  I have been widowed twice, and instead of feeling sorry for me, I feel grateful for the love and experiences I had with these two wonderful men. And I use the lessons I learned from them both to bring as much happiness in the world as I can as we learn to support our world the very best we can.

And do you know what?  The universe fully supports us in all we do!

 

“When we learn to trust the universe, we shall be happy, prosperous, and well.” Ernest Holmes

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Be Willing

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I spend time online each day with the social media I do to help people deal with grief, and lately I keep hearing the same theme.  People say that things will never be the same, that they have lost so much, and they feel lost. I’ve had times that I have felt that way too. I get sentimental about not having someone to hold hands with, to talk to intimately, to kiss, to laugh with, to share my bed. When I would start feeling this way, I would write or meditate, or just sit and think about how wonderful those experiences were.

I know I won’t have those exact experience again. No one does. Each moment in our lives is different.  When I remind myself of that, I start thinking about how each day is a new day, an opportunity to start to do different things or do things differently.  As I reflect on my life I am amazed at the experiences, the opportunities I’ve had.  I think about all the miraculous adventures, the breathtaking art, the first smiles of a baby.

When we can start to shift gear, to focus on what makes us happy instead of what makes us sad, or made us sad in the past, then we can start lifting our heads, looking forward, becoming aware.  That awareness allows us to take slow deep breaths again and feel how wonderful that fresh air feels.

I invite you find someplace beautiful and quiet to sit imagining your loved one sitting next to you. Enjoy that feeling knowing that in that moment there is no physical pain, no suffering. All that is gone now, and you can just relish the closeness. Then tell your loved one about something new you are doing that feels good. It could be finding new things to cook for yourself, planting seeds in your garden for spring flowers, walking in a forest or on a beach. It could be reading a great book or enjoying a movie or enjoying a conversation with a friend. As you are sharing all this, start to realize that you are relaxing as you speak. Tension flows away. You can feel all that love which remains.

At this moment you realize that your loved one is smiling, delighted that you can smile, you can appreciate all that is good and beautiful. I can imagine the relief my loved one would feel knowing that I wasn’t trapped in an unrelenting sorrow, that I am taking one step at a time to move forward, never discarding all the love I will always have for each of my loved ones who is no longer physically with me. Just by being willing, being open, we all can allow ourselves to celebrate the wonder and awe that awaits our awareness.

Be willing—

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.