The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Love

These Times are Not Normal

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What unusual times we are living in right now.  I never dreamed that our country would experience the type of hate, disrespect, and violence we are now. Some days I feel overwhelmed by yet one more outlandish act that has occurred. But as soon as I start to think that direction, I remember the commitment that I made to myself that I live my life based on love, fully and completely.

Getting absorbed into the sensationalism that comes along with unimaginable things that have occurred this year is an easy trap to fall into, so it is imperative for us to keep our eyes open and write our own script. Instead of worrying and crying about the results of the pandemic, what can we do with our love to bring comfort and support to those affected? Instead of rioting in rage at the senseless shootings and violence, what can we do with our love to peacefully demonstrate and make positive changes? Instead of complaining about the political situation going on, what can we do with love to help get people out to vote and work on positive goals to help everyone?

Michelle Norris said, “Hate is fear in a different octave.” A truth I have learned in my life is that there are only two true emotions, love and fear. Essentially, then, hate is an element of fear. Since I have chosen to lead my life in love, I no longer can dwell on fear or hate. Looking at life that way, I am choosing for my actions to be based in love.

Those of us who are dealing with grief and loss often drift into despair. When we do that, we are forgetting to love ourselves. When we get lost in the anger that came from the doctor not making the diagnosis sooner, or fury with the driver who caused the accident, or the disappointment in our own body that didn’t hang on to a pregnancy, or our loved one who wouldn’t quit smoking, drinking, or overeating, that doesn’t serve us. Those things all happened in the past, and the only time we can do anything is in this moment right now. This is the moment when you can choose to focus on love, the love you feel about your loved one, and the love you are now nurturing yourself with.

Look at how you feel right now.  Are you serving yourself, loving yourself?  If not, spend some time exploring that idea through meditation, journaling, or prayer.  You can feel much better when you choose to.

Sending you so much love.

Who Do You Listen To?

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After Ron died, I was drifting, not knowing what I was supposed to do next since I had spent so long tending to his needs and doing all I could to cherish the valuable moments we had left. Only after a close friend of ours died suddenly did I realize that I could help his wife, and in so doing, I helped myself start rising up from the fog I had been slogging through. Helping her helped me find ways to help others in grief. And the more I helped others, the easier I could breathe.

I have worked now for three years to find ways to support people through the private Facebook groups I  lead, the classes I teach on writing through grief, the interviews I do online, the social media I post all of which offer positive support, and the book I have written.  I am not saying this for praise. I do all this out of a commitment I have to help others. While I appreciate when people express gratitude to me, that doesn’t drive me. I feel my life’s work is to support those dealing with loss, something that is needed more every day with all that is going on in our country.

Lately, I have been having people on social media criticizing me for the work that I am doing saying that I should be ashamed of writing what I have online to shamelessly promote my book. I have to say that it has shocked me.  And it didn’t just happen once.  In what I post in my blog and on social media posts, I occasionally mention my book.  I do this so that people who would appreciate what I can say to help them. I read many books when Ron died.  I learned much from them, but what I was looking for was positive ways to deal with what I was experiencing, so that’s what I wrote.

When criticized for something I have been selflessly doing, it hit me hard, and I found myself questioning if I was doing the right thing. In questioning my actions, I realized how important it is for me to stay positive and do the right things for the right reasons. I don’t know why someone would choose to say what they said.  What I do know is that I am here to help. I am here to share my love with you. I am here to offer you support. I am here to brighten your day and your life. I am here for you, and I will continue to do all I can in a variety of ways to help you find each moment the best it can be at that moment.

Thank you so much for reading my words.

Loving Again

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I was married to Jacques for 22 years. We had so many things in common and many differences. We loved theatre and music. We loved deep, long conversations. We loved to laugh. We loved to travel. We loved to entertain. We had any amazing life together.

I came to Jacques with fragile self-esteem after a long relationship where I couldn’t seem to do anything right, I was an embarrassment, and I wasn’t smart enough. Jacques saw the real me. He told me I was beautiful. He was amazed at the many talents I had an would introduce me as a renaissance woman. He loved me deeply. With all this, it took me awhile to totally believe him.  But I did eventually and even was appointed as a commissioner to the Self Esteem Commission in our county. Working on the commission, I grew to recognize my strengths and grew strong while helping others.

Jacques and I worked on many theatre productions together and he sang in a quartet that I managed. He was a bioethicist, and we worked together to support people who were grieving. We had a wonderful life. His last two years were a physical struggle, so I donated my business to a non-profit organization and stayed home to take care of him.  When he died, I was crushed and had no idea how to go on.

After much self-care and dedication, I was ready to be open to new experiences. When I met Ron, I was amazed how much we had in common in spite of our differences. I surprised myself by starting to date him. As much as I liked him, I was conflicted because although the traditional marriage vows say “until death do you part,” I had a hard time letting go of the idea that I had committed to Jacques forever, and I didn’t feel unmarried. When Ron told me I was a renaissance women, I took that as a message from Jacques.

After Ron and I had been together happily for four years, I woke up on December 26, 2010 and realized that New Year’s Day would be 1/1/11. When Ron awoke, I told him about that date and said wouldn’t that we a great wedding date? He immediately said yes, and that he’d make all of the arrangements.  We put on an amazing wedding and reception, and we were married 6 years before he died.

I am grateful he was patient with me all those years before we married. And I am grateful that I was able to realize that there is so much love in my heart that I was able to share it with two wonderful men. Although you may think you will never love again, being open to possibilities can provide beautiful opportunities for you. I wish you love in every form.

Come on Over to the Bright Side!

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When Jacques died, I didn’t see anything as positive.  My world was dark.  Most of those who I thought were my friends were no place to be found. I didn’t have anyone to talk to. And I became really good at feeling sorry for myself. I was not happy living this way.

I had not been working at a paying job for over two years as I stayed home to care for Jacques. I was contemplating what I was supposed to be doing then when someone I used to work with called me and offered me a job. My knee jerk reaction was to decline because I had left the job I had working with her because the workplace environment had become impossible, filled with negativity.  I knew that I never wanted to be surrounded by all that again.  Then she explained to me that there had been a major change essentially dividing the department in two.  She was in the new department, and all those with the negativity were in the old department. She said the new department was a wonderful place to work and invited me to “Come on over to the bright side.”  I did, and I am grateful.

This experience taught me that I could choose where I wanted to be, and I wanted to be surrounded by positive, happy, creative people. It also taught me the importance of me focusing on being positive, happy, and creative, no matter what I was dealing with.  This changed my life.  I worked to lift myself up from the depression of grief I had been dealing with and to find a way in each situation to find what was good and stay positive.

I saw an interview this week of the uncle of Jacob Blake, the man who had been shot in the back seven times by a police officer. Jacob’s uncle said his family was “on top of the world.” He said they we so happy because they weren’t going to a funeral. Then I heard a reporter who had a phone interview with Jacob who was in his hospital bed. Jacob said he was grateful to be alive and that he wouldn’t let this incident bring him down. I was struck by the positivity of this family.  I felt that no matter how challenging things became for them, they would get through it together focusing on what is good and positive.

This reminded me of seeing a video of George Floyd’s little daughter sitting on his shoulders, both of them smiling and laughing. George was killed by the police which started enormous demonstrations across our country which are still going on focusing on the reform of law enforcement. And what George’s little daughter said was “My Daddy changed the world.”

Each of us can change the world starting with focusing on the positive.  There is so much good in our lives. I start every day with writing a list of what I am grateful for in my journal. I have filled several journals since I started doing this, and I am amazed at all the things I am grateful for, and I never run out of positive things to say. I also write in my journal every day, and I focus there on making everything positive.  Can you imagine how wonderful our country could be if everyone started focusing on what is good about it? Focusing on the love we all can share?

 

I am focusing on finding what is positive about every situation, spreading love and joy. I invite you to join me in this campaign. Come on over to the bright side!

Use It Or–

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Yesterday I drove down past the airport (wonderful to get out of the house for a moment even though I was just in my car), and I noticed there were cars parked everywhere. The cars were parked bumper to bumper and side to side and were covered with dust.  I imagine they had been there quite a while, probably since March when everything shut down. I am amazed at how many rental cars there are on Maui! And with no tourists on the island, the cares just sit there. The cars in this picture are in the dirt next to the Costco parking lot.

Ron had a Saturn Outlook that he just loved. It’s a really big car, so I don’t really like to drive it. I tried to drive it every once in a while, or loan it to a friend, but I didn’t do it often enough and I had to replace the battery, twice. I have finally come to terms that I don’t have to keep it just because it was Ron’s, so I am selling it to a friend. When I saw these cars yesterday, I wondered if any of them are going to start when the time comes that tourists can come back to the island of Maui.

I’ve always heard that if you don’t use something, you lose it.  That certainly happened to me when I didn’t drive Ron’s car. And I notice that it’s harder to get up and moving if I have only been sitting for a long while. Our bodies are meant to be used, as are our minds. When grieving, lots of times it is easier to sit, to stay home, to veg out on television, and a certain amount of this is fine. But in grieving, it is easy to get used to sitting in the same chair, binge watching a television show that doesn’t mean anything to us and allow our precious time to slip through our fingers.

Where are you in life right now? What do you want to do or accomplish this week, this year, this lifetime? Take some time to explore this. I know with both Ron and Jacques, though I knew they were ill, it seemed like they would always be there; then they weren’t. What recognizing this taught me is to leave nothing unsaid, unexperienced, or undone that I aimed to do before I couldn’t anymore. Because of this, I now do whatever I desire. My friends and I often say, “I love you.” I know none of them will wonder about my feelings for them when I am not here to tell them.  If I want Ben and Jerry’s Chunkie Monkey, I savor every bite.  If I want to take a class or write a book, I do just that.

I live each moment as if it were my only moment with no regrets.  I encourage you to do that, too. If you don’t do it, you may not get to.  Live full out with positivity, love, and joy!

Pain is Inevitable, Suffering is Optional

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When grieving, we all feel pain. We can recognize it and deal with it constructively, or we can melt into the deep abyss of suffering, unable to rise up from the mire. The good news is, you have choice in this matter. You can choose to survive and thrive.

Compare the loss of a loved one by death to the birth of a baby. In labor, the contractions start slowly, giving your body time to adjust. As the pains come more frequently, they are more intense. Finally when the pains are so close together and so strong, relief comes in pushing hard till the release of the baby sliding into the world.

Death is the opposite it birth, a similar process but reversed. The loss starts with incredible pain that’s deep and hard and seemingly eternal. Yet soon, you can take a breath. And in those breaths you find moments of peace. Grief alternates like those labor pains. The further away you get from the actual transition, the further apart are the waves of pain.

The key here is what you do in the in between, those times when you may feel empty or deeply sad. Sometimes it may feel like you are in a fog and things don’t feel quite real. Recognize these times as a place to heal. But how can you do that?

Journaling through this journey helped me more than anything else. If you feel that you are suffering, write about that. What does your suffering look like? If suffering was a person, what would you say to him/her? Tell it how you feel. Ask it what it wants from you? When you tire of the conversation, you can tell it that you no longer want to visit with them and politely say goodbye. Although suffering may still come to your door on occasion, you have the strength to not open it.

You can do this exercise in your journal with any feeling that comes up. You may feel anger, rage, depression. Or any other emotion. When you recognize that an emotion is directing your thoughts and actions, get out your journal and work on it in writing. And if the emotion try’s to visit you again, just say to it, “Sorry I can’t deal with you right now. I have plans to spend time with love and joy instead.”

Even when you feel weak and out of control, remember that ultimately, you are in charge of your life. Make the conscious choice to take the best care or yourself, to live your very best life. Ron told me once when I had said “I’m sorry” too many times in one day, “Do you think I want to be with a sorry woman?” That caused me to pay attention to what I was doing. What you speak is who you are. So when suffering comes to visit and you turn it away, in your journal, write a list of who you are. Start each item if you list with “I am.” I am strong. I am beautiful. I am joyful. I am hope. I am love. I am sure you can list many more things about the perfect person you really are.

You can rise up from that mire of suffering. You can live that beautiful inspiring like you long for. Take good care of your precious self.

I am always here for you.