Memories

We All Grieve

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I talk, and read, and cry, and write, and speak, and listen about grief much of my waking hours. I choose to do so because I recognize how much grief I have experienced, and I am still standing, and smiling, and even laughing sometimes. I certainly don’t think grief is funny, yet it is part of our lives all the time.

I often have people tell me that they aren’t grieving anyone right now, then they quickly change the subject.  The truth is, almost everyone is grieving someone or something most of their lives.

The first death I remember was my grandfather. I was young at the time. My memory of him was that he had a nice smile and didn’t talk much. He spent most of his time in his chair with a board that had been cut to rest on the arms of his chair comfortably so that he had a flat surface to play solitaire.

One day when we went to grandpa and grandma’s house, he wasn’t there. I don’t remember anyone telling me why. I never saw him again. I think my family didn’t think I was old enough to understand the concept of death. This experience left me curious and a bit frightened.

I experienced the first grief I remember when I was three and jumped out of a second story window landing on my forehead fracturing my skull.  This left me with an ugly scar and a terror of heights. The scar faded long before the fear. I am happy to tell you that I did overcome that fear not that long ago, but that experience aways remains with me.

I have witnessed so much trauma and death in my lifetime. This started when I was 14 years old and started working in our family business of an ambulance company. That long ago I only had to be 14 and trained in Red Cross first aid to qualify for the job.

I would help rescue people from car accidents and industrial accidents.  I would care for people who had been in fights. I responded to calls where there was still active shooting and babies being born. I grieved not having the knowledge and tools to adequately help all these people

I also grieved the loss of a home, the loss of big family gatherings when we all went our separate ways. I grieve a good friend moving far away as a result of family violence. I grieve the loss of my cocker spaniel as the result of her getting into my sister’s box of chocolates. I grieve not living close to my friends I love in California.

I could go on and on, but I choose instead to focus on sweet memories and all the happiness I have experienced, of making new friends and keeping in touch with people I don’t get to see as often. I focus on all the love in my whole life and on discovering all the new ways I am learning to experience joy.

I know that grieving can be sad and difficult, but that it can also bring growth and new light.

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Que Sera, Sera

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I recently heard the song Que Sera, Sera on a television commercial and it reminded me of hearing it as a child. Doris Day came out with this song in 1955, so I was pretty young, but the song stuck with me, and I sang it to myself often leading me to fanciful daydreams.

The lyrics of the song are:

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother what will I be?
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me

Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be

When I grew up and fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead?
Will we have rainbows day after day?
Here’s what my sweetheart said

Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be

Now I have children of my own
They ask their mother what will I be
Will I be handsome? Will I be rich?
I tell them tenderly

Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be
Que sera, sera

 

My daydreams led me to know in my future that I would be pretty when I learned to smile often, I would be rich in many ways, and I do have rainbows day after day here in Maui. Just writing this makes me smile!

Although the lyrics say, “Whatever will be will be,” I believe we have some say in the matter. I know that when I clearly focus on what is most important to me, it will come to me in some way. This isn’t always easy, and it doesn’t necessarily come when I would like it to, but when I maintain my focus, what I desire, or something more, does appear.

For instance, as a little girl, I wanted to be a pretty child, and I was sure that would bring me friends and popularity. I would be so serious about this, I often frowned as I thought. Over the years, I saw that beauty wasn’t when I became the first runner up of Miss Porterville. My life didn’t change from that honor. I didn’t even have a date for my Senior Prom.

Ten years later I ran into a guy I went to school with who I thought never would be interested in me. After all those years, he recognized me and said he apologized and was so sorry he didn’t ask me out in high school because he thought I would say no. This really made me think.

My wanting to be pretty made me afraid of rejection. Isn’t that silly? I can see that now, yet as I reflect, I see a young woman who didn’t think she was pretty. She focused on everything else till years late. She learned to focus on happiness, and she can see the beauty comes from her smile.

Also, in the past I thought that being rich was just related to money. I now enjoy the vast riches of friendship, love, and purpose. I am grateful to be financially secure, but that is not where my joy has come from.

And those beautiful rainbows? Where I live in Hawaii, they are free, and beautiful, and available to make me smile and inspire me almost every day.

I felt unstable after having two husbands die. I think I feared my future. Realizing that the fear didn’t serve me, and focusing on knowing that at that moment, I was fine, allowed me to find that smile again knowing that whatever will be is here now for me to enjoy.

Allowing myself to not worry about what is to come in my life, “whatever will be” has turned out very well.

 

 

Find more about the song by clicking here.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Deal With It!

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I used to feel like I had things hanging over my head.  I knew I would feel better when the tasks were complete, and the longer I put them off, the heavier they would get.

Recently I was working on organizing my storage room. I was motivated to get it done so that I would easily be able to know all that was there as well as what wasn’t there that I thought I was storing.  As I thought about how wonderful it would feel for those tasks to be complete, something was always holding me back.

Finally, I defined one task at a time to tackle and got started. I cleaned out and organized a drawer. In that drawer, I found a stack of old pictures I thought I had lost.  In it there were several pictures of when my children were young. My daughter had asked me a few years ago about a picture I took of her when she was a baby.  She was laying on her tummy on a foot stool and it looked like she was happily trying to fly.

I was thrilled to find that picture that I was sure had disappeared forever. Other cherished photos were also in that pile.  I took a picture of that photo and texted it to my daughter. She was thrilled to see it! I ended up texting one picture at a time so we could talk about them, and we were able to share the whole stack while having a wonderful conversation.

Organizing that one drawer made it easier to clean out the next one.  I am still working on the whole room, but I am not overwhelmed now and am happily making new discoveries along the way.

Especially while grieving, we can talk ourselves out of starting tasks that will ultimately allow us to move forward in the process of our grief.  What task have you been putting off? You may have piles or paperwork, thank you notes that need to be written, or other chores that have been weighing on you.  My suggestion is that you make a date for yourself with whatever task you have been putting off.  Then show up at the designated time and start right in, working through the job at a pace that feels right for you.   I know you’ll be so glad you did!

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Moving Forward

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Often, I hear that people think we must get over grief. I disagree. I see grief as something that starts with the realization of the major changes that come with the transitions you experience. Though there is a time that you realize you are grieving, chances are there won’t be a time that you say, “I’m done now. My grieving is done.”

I grieve for so many people and things like my high school classmates who died in accidents. I grieve the passing of my friends from a myriad of ailments. I grieve the loss of innocence I experienced. I grieve the loss of pregnancies. I grieve the loss of patients I cared for. I grieve the loss of most of my relatives. And most of all, I grieve the loss of my husbands.

I could go on and on about all the loss I have experienced, but I chose instead to focus on all the love, respect, lessons, and good memories I experienced as a result of each of these losses. My heart expands while carrying these people and experiences, and though my physical heart may be about the size of my fist, my loving, spiritual heart is as large as my imagination and continues to expand. I carry the imprint of all these losses on my ever-growing heart.

How wonderful it is that my heart always has room for anyone I care about. I focus on the love in my life, and this brings constant, beautiful positivity to me. As I continue to move forward in my grief, my happiness expands beyond measure. Yours can to when you focus on your love.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Allowing

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Have you experienced talking yourself out of doing something you would love to do because you are grieving?  We all do that at some point – even when we’re not grieving. Early in grief, people may hesitate to invite you to their party, to dinner, or even for a walk. They talk themselves out of those invitations because they are concerned about how you would react, or maybe they fear that your grieving may bring what they are planning to be of happiness, to a time where people talk softly and don’t know what to say.

Eventually, they may cease to invite you because they got out of the habit of calling or you have declined invitations one too many times. They may not realize what they are doing. They mean no harm and don’t remember how much they enjoyed having you around. You may also not remember how much your enjoyed be around other people. When that realization happens, that is the time to start reaching out, allowing you the joy of spending time with others.

When we were young, we had to get permission from our parents to go out. Now there is no one to ask permission of, but we may not give ourselves permission to do what could help us be happy. Think about what you may not be allowing yourself to do like going to a movie or out to a restaurant. When you think of something you have not been allowing yourself to do, make a plan and do it! Don’t let another celebration or a class you’d like to take pass you by because you have forgotten how to say yes!

Whenever you find yourself alone or feeling sad, ask yourself what you can give yourself permission to do. My husband loved for me to bake cookies for him. I didn’t notice that I had stopped baking cookies, something I love to do. I gave myself permission to make a big batch and passed them out to people who had stepped forward to help me. When I delivered the cookies, it always started a conversation, and I started receiving invitations again.

In what ways are you not allowing yourself to start to move forward? Give yourself permission to correct those thoughts and allow yourself to live your best life now.

 

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast anywhere you get your podcasts.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

The Stories of Veterans

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My father, Thomas Orville Lofton, served in the US Army during World War II. He never talked to me about his war experience, but I knew it affected him profoundly because he spent the rest of his life serving veterans. He became very involved in the Veterans of Foreign Wars, VFW, so my mother became involved in the VFW Auxiliary, and I was the first member in our local Junior VFW Auxiliary and I am now a life member of the organization.

Veterans Day was the biggest holiday of the year in our small California town of Porterville, and we always had a huge parade that Mom and Dad were in charge of for the VFW and American Legion. During the Vietnam war, more lives of military personnel were lost per capita in our small town than then were lost in any other community in the country. Most of those deaths were of my high school classmates.

I have always held a deep respect for veterans, so when the VFW Post in Maui invited me to come to an event to support war veterans who had been affected by the Lahaina fire, I said yes.  The members of the organization were collecting stories about the Lahaina fire, and about people who have served in wars. They plan to use these stories for a memorial they are building that can be seen by people walking on the beach.

 I spent the afternoon sitting outside of the VFW building at the beach in Kihei, Maui, watching as the men who came were showered with gifts from gas cards and Uber cards to equine therapy gift certificates.  I got to meet individually with each Veteran who came. I told them what I do to help people deal with grief and invited them to come to my free Zoom meetings. Then I asked them where they served and how the Lahaina fires affected them. Their stories from both the War and the fire were gut wrenching and broke my heart. 

After the fire, people donated funds to the Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization so that copies of the Grief and Happiness Handbook could be given to those affected by the fire. I gave one of those books to each guest that came to the event except one. That veteran told me that his wife needed the book more than he did, so I signed a book to his wife.

 As I listened to the experiences of these veterans, I thought about how important storytelling is to help people deal with grief. Having someone to listen to the stories is equally important. A story needs to be told over and over until it doesn’t need to be told any more.

Whose story can you listen to? And who do you tell your story to?

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief

My email is emily@griefandhappiness.com

Let me know if you’d like to receive my newsletters which have lots of good things!

You can listen to my podcast here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance Gatherings which meet weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order The Grief and Happiness Cards by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.