The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Music

The Rhythm Reminders

by

Our lives are full of rhythm. I have vivid memories of the sounds from my husband’s hospital bedside. The Darth Vader sounds from the Bi-Pap machine got me in touch with the constant rhythm of the breathing it forced. There were always call light alarms from other patients in the hallway seeking the attention of the scurrying nurses. The cardiac monitor’s rhythmic beeps were comforting with their assurance of his life. And each time the alarms on the monitor went off, a new wave of terror would ensue. What this it? Is this the time his heart would stop?

The constant sounds would alternate between keeping us awake and lulling us to sleep. Each of us responded in our own ways to the constant noise. Hearing his heartbeats beep, beep, beep from the monitor provided the assurance that he was still alive and not in immediate danger, but the screech of the alarms never stopped the panic that happened each time they went off.

Eventually, each time we visited the hospital, the rhythms became regular long enough for us to go home again. Home was so silent that we played music to distract us from the lack of sound. In bed, l loved to rest my head on his chest to listen to the reassurance of his breaths and heartbeats.

I was with both of my husbands at the moments of their transition. I witnessed their last breaths know that their hearts had stopped beating when their lungs stopped. The silence was deafening.

At home by myself, there was no more rhythm to check for. I so missed to life we shared. I started playing music most of the time I was awake, unknowingly seeking that rhythm of life. JS Bach’s concertos, fugues, and airs brought me peace. Air on a G String was especially grounding for me. I still listen to it when I am seeking peace.

I remembered hearing about EFT which stands for Emotional Freedom Technique tapping.  I researched it on the Internet and tried it out. EFT is an alternative treatment for physical and emotional pain, so tried it, and it helped.  Focusing of the rhythm of the taps of my fingers and moving those taps to different parts of my body spread the comfort.

Djembe drumming also assuaged the pain of the loss that crept into my daily life. I can easily sit and drum in my back yard, or when I want the solace of companionship, I can always take my djembe to a drum circle. Nobody taught me how to drum. I learned as I followed along with others who were drumming.

Rhythm is a constant reminder of our humanity. When the rhythm of our bodies finally becomes still, the rhythm of the living keeps on. Get in sync with your rhythm and move forward.

 

This links to JS Bach’s Air in G    https://youtu.be/5AaTCs7ulgg

This links to comforting drumming  https://youtu.be/LznxZDX7fo4

This links to more information about EFT.   https://www.healthline.com/health/eft-tapping#research

 

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Do You Remember?

by

On September 21, my son was playing the song September by Earth Wind and Fire.  He asked me if I knew the song, and I said, “Oh yes.”  Here are some of the lyrics:

Do you remember, 21st night of September?
Love was changing the mind of pretenders
While chasing the clouds away
Our hearts were ringing
In the key that our souls were singing
As we danced in the night . . . .

My thoughts are with you

Holding hands with your heart to see you  . . . .

Remember
How we knew love was here to stay . . . .

You can find all the lyrics here: Lyrics to September by Earth Wind and Fire

Video for September Earth Wind and Fire

 

I have started writing what I dream about first thing when I get up, and this morning it happened again.  I had a good dream during the night, and when I went to write about it, it just wouldn’t come back to me.  Then this song popped into my head, especially when he said, do you remember?

Memory is such a funny thing.  My 50-year-old son recently saw an oleander plant and he told me about when he was in preschool and he and his friends hid in an big oleander plant, and he couldn’t understand why the adults got upset with him because he knew he wouldn’t be eating the plant since he knew it was poison. He was four years old then. And he remembers that now.

I always thought that young children could remember more since their brains weren’t all filled up with a lifetime of experiences yet. So maybe I am just running out of room to store things. I know now though that I do want to remember precious experiences. And I have learned that the process of writing down what I want to remember is a great way to deal with that.  When I write out a memory, I know longer must rely on my over-filled brain to retrieve that memory I want to think about.  I find comfort in knowing that I can just turn to what I write whenever I want to, and the memories come right back.

The more details I put when my writing my memories, the more vivid they become.  I can go back now and look at things I wrote in my journal and see the intensity of my feelings then while also feeling the significance of how far I have come. The things I wrote led me to teach others dealing with grief and loss to write to deal with what they are experiencing and led me to write my book. Writing your memories is a powerful method of self-care. And after you write them, you can choose to do what you wish with what your write.

Reading my own memories that I recorded in my journal, always bring me back to love: the love I have for my loved owns who died and the love I have for the people I guide to write their own memories.

In answer to the questions “Do you remember?” my answer is that I hope you do. Write down those special memories today before they fade from those crowed corners of your mind.

 

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Is Sound Really Healing

by

I was first introduced to sound healing years ago when I went to a sound healing session at a retreat. I was blown away.  The session was outdoors on a wood deck surrounded by diaphanous curtains.  I laid down on my back and had a small pillow filled with flax seeds and lavender cover my eyes. Then for the next hour, I was comforted by the gentle sounds ranging from chimes, to gongs, to pan flutes, to Djembe drums, to rain-sticks, to Tibetan singing bowls, to drums, to tuning forks, to crystal bowls, to a didgeridoo and more. I felt like I could have stayed in that magical place for hours.  I was comforted in a way I had not experienced before.  And the wonderful feeling stayed with me for days.

When I moved to Maui, I discovered a group sound healing event. This was held in a large room with shiny wood floors. We brought yoga matts, pillows, and blankets to get as comfortable as we could. We started by siting for a lovely meditation.  Then we all got comfortable on the floor with our heads directed toward the center of the room where there was a huge assortment of Tibetan and crystal bowls as well as two giant gongs which provided deep vibrational sound. The sound went on for an hour and included the leader’s lovely soprano’s wordless ethereal singing. All of this enabled profound meditation, and I always felt lighter when the event was over.

I wanted to learn more about how sound healing works since it has been used for hundreds of years and believed is to heal many physical ailments. I met Julia Denise Berrey here on Maui where I live. She is a Feldenkrais practitioner who also uses crystal bowls with her healing techniques. She explained to me about how each of her bowls has a different frequency which provide different results in the way bodies react to the sound. She tells of the common belief of the difference between the frequency of 440 Hz which is believed to be man-made and addictive while the frequency of 432 is said to boost your immune system. Both frequencies sound very similar but have different effects.  Lots of research has been done on this theory and the results are controversial. By searching online, you can discover in depth many of the things that sound can help heal.

Julia also told me that the frequency of 528 Hz is the frequency of love. I decided I would check this out.  I found things that were recorded at 528 Hz online, so I listened to them with earphones on to get the full results.  All I can say is wow. What I experienced was so comforting that I now listen to it for meditation and even for just listening to. I jumped at the opportunity to go to the beach in Wailea to experience a meditation and sound healing session hosted by my friend Carol McNulty Huffman and Julia who played her crystal bowls and a pan drum. The beautiful sounds Julia produced along with the crashing ocean waves and the drums from a luau not far away felt amazing.

I am telling you all this because self-care is absolutely essential to support you while you deal with grief. Seeking out beautiful sounds to listen to is readily available by just doing an online search. And experiencing these sounds at an in-person experience is worth the effort to find a place to do this.  This is just one way you can use to help you feel better.  I would love to hear of other ways you have used for self-comfort. Together we can support each other.

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Serendipity and Inspiration

by

Have you had the experience of creating a vision in your mind of something you would love to do, then things start happening around you showing you that you can do it? Is this serendipity, or is it part of the process of creation? I have had this happen so often that I have learned to pay attention when it happens. When I recognized the power of paying attention, I reflected on my life and saw lots of examples. Here are a few.

When my son Jason was born, I had complications, and the nursing staff was unhelpful to say the least. I could not understand how a nurse could treat a patient without care or compassion. I said to myself, “If I were a nurse, I would never do that to my patients.” Before that time, I hadn’t considered being a nurse, yet I became one, a caring and compassionate one.

Later, when I was in the process of getting my master’s degree in English, I had no idea of what I would do with the degree when I got it. My husband Jacques suggested that I observe a writing class, and two of his colleagues gave me the opportunity to as well as hiring me to grade the essays they assigned.  Their techniques were different, and I could see how I, as a student, would like to be taught, as well as seeing the things that they did that worked and the things that didn’t. This inspired me to start my career as a writing teacher. I loved being innovative and encouraging my students to live their best lives in the process.

Later still, I had a dream of opening a live theatre and school of arts. I was unsure of how I could do this. Then I watched the movie “Music of the Heart” which portrayed the true story of Roberta Guaspari who founded the Opus 118 Harlem School of music as she fought for music education funding in New York City public schools. I had been fighting to find ways to support arts education in the city where I lived, and when I watched the movie, I knew if she could accomplish what she did, I could accomplish what I wanted for my community, so I did.  When I heard the song as the song in the movie, that was my confirmation that I was doing what I was meant to do. Here are some of the words to the song Music of My Heart.

You opened my eyes

You opened the door

To something I had never known before

And your love

Is the music of my heart

 

You can find the complete lyrics here  and  you can watch the movie online.

Then when my husband Ron died, I spent lots of time writing to help me deal with my grief. A few months after my Ron’s death, his good friend Chappy died. I used what I had learned by my writing to write a series of 52 cards to send to his wife Lori, once a week for the first year. I realized that what I said in the cards made and outline for a book that could help many people deal with grief and loss. I wrote that book, Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief, and it is providing comfort and support those many people. I also realized that teaching others how to write to deal with their grief was helping them to be happy while they were grieving, so my focus now is on creating The Grief and Happiness Alliance. I look forward to you joining me there.

Whether what I have experienced has come from serendipity or inspiration, I am grateful for it all, and all these occurrences have brought much happiness to my life. My hope is that you pay attention to the serendipity and inspiration you receive. How can you find more happiness in your life by following your heart?

 

 

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief  by clicking here at Amazon.

I would be happy to put you on the reminder list for or Writing Together Through Grief occurring on Saturdays each week by sending an email to me to emily@lovingandlivingyourwaythroughgrief.com and giving me your email address.

Join my Facebook group here.

Christmas Songs

by

I watched a little television special with holiday songs last night, and it brought back many memories.  I started putting specific memories with songs, and it wove a lovely tapestry for me of Christmas throughout my life.

My first memory of a Christmas song was of Daddy singing “All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth” to me.  Now, he wasn’t a singer, but I was missing those teeth, and he would get so tickled singing the song that we laughed a lot. Daddy also loved to sing “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,” and he’d steal a kiss every time he sang it.

“Away in a Manger” was the song I remembered from church. Not knowing my eventual affinity for theatre, what I remember is how much I wanted to play the part of Mary, what my costume would look like, how long I would have to sit perfectly still because that was what all the Mary’s in the nativity scenes did, who would play the part of the baby, and where did baby’s come from anyway?

I loved to go caroling and sing “Joy to the World,” “Deck the Halls,” and “Jingle Bells.”  And I swooned when I heard Elvis sing “Blue Christmas” on the radio. I also liked (at that time) “The Chipmunk Song” (Christmas Don’t be Late,) because we actually had a chipmunk living is a cage at our house, a gift that soon went to my aunt for her elementary school classroom. And in high school we loved to dance to “Jingle Bell Rock” at our winter formal.

When I went away to college, the holidays were lonely and I’d listen to “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” and “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” and cry a little. I knew that the big family gatherings would never be the same as all my older cousins were moving away and getting married. I dreamed about what my upcoming holidays would hold.

When my babies were little, all the lyrics of all the Christmas songs I had learned over the years came back to me, and I was singing to them all the time. I loved to hold them tight and see the joy on their faces.

My husband Jacques was a fabulous singer, and he’d sing Christmas songs every chance he got.  One of his favorites was “Baby it’s Cold Outside.” I know that song is out of favor now, but my memory of it was the joy he showed when he sang it with someone and how playful they made it.  I always wished my voice was good enough to sing it with him. He also loved playing Santa in the plush costume I made for him. He was even Santa in the advertisements for the big mall. We was so cute in that suit with his real salt and pepper hair and beard. I always think of him when I hear “Here Comes Santa Claus.”

My husband Ron introduced me to “Love Actually,” a romantic movie he watched at least once every year. And, of course, I love the song they sang in that movie, especially when he sang it to me: “All I Want for Christmas is You!”  Last night I heard his favorite Christmas song, “Mary Did You Know,” and it brought tears.

And now that I live in Hawaii, I love “Mele Kalikimaka.”

What are your special holiday songs?  How do they make you feel? What memories come up when you hear them? Holidays can be lonely when you are dealing with loss, but they also can be happy when you fill them with memories. You can find your favorite songs on YouTube and other places online. Put them on, crank them up, and sing along with tears, or joy, or both!  Happy Holidays!

 

Pre-order my book Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here.

Sign up for my free Zoom class: Writing Together Through Grief by clicking here.

I’ve Got the Cure For You!

by

My son introduced me to a new song by Rick Astley named Dance.  The lyrics are: “I’ve got the cure for you. All you gotta do is dance.” Watching it reminded me how good it feels to dance. It gets my heart pumping and my energy up.

I thought about one of my first dates with Ron.  I always had dreamed about having a strong partner who was taller that I am who I could dance with.  I am six feet tall, and Ron was 6”2”, and I sure hoped he could dance! We went to my high school reunion.  They had a band, and everyone was dancing. He was hesitant to dance, so I didn’t know what to expect. But the music was so good, we ended up on the dance floor.

He could dance. He could dance so well! As we danced, the other couples moved away from us and ended up watching us and clapped at the end of the song! We had so much fun!  He told me that in high school he wanted to dance but was afraid that girls would say no when he’d ask.  His solution was to teach himself to dance so well that the girls would be asking him.

We danced often in Maui. It felt so good. I remember how surprised Shena seemed to be by Ron’s dancing. She said, “He’s got some moves!” I can’t help but smile when I think about dancing with him. My dream of a dance partner came true.

Ron and I hadn’t been together long when I had to have knee surgery for a complicated problem.  He came over before dawn to pick me up to take me to the hospital. I had told him about how my friend Yvonne had told me she wanted to be with someone who would dance in the kitchen with her, so we had started dancing in the kitchen sometimes when I was cooking.  That morning he took me into the kitchen, turned on the boom box that he brought with him, playing one of our favorite slow songs and took me into his arms to dance. He wanted us to have a dance together because we weren’t sure how long it would be before I could dance again.

Oh, how I loved to dance with him. I miss that closeness. Now I dance by myself. There are so many free dance classes on YouTube, and I can just pick something to suit my mood. It’s a great way to get some exercise and pump up my spirits.

I was just talking with a dear friend of mine who is dealing with the recent unexpected loss of her loved one. She told me about how one of her girlfriends came over with some food and a bottle of wine and played music from her phone and they danced for two hours. She said they smiled and laughed and danced until they were worn out, and it was such a perfect release for her. What a wonderful gift to give to a friend.

When you hit a low spot, remember this. Turn up some toons and dance!