The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Self-Care

The People You Touch

by

In early grief, self-isolation is common. Frequently, we are not interested in conversation and talking to anyone may seem like a chore. We may not even feel like getting out of bed or getting up off the couch. Being outside may feel insecure, so hibernating indoors, waiting for all the pain to fade away, may be the best thing we can do at that moment.

Eventually, the light starts to break through. Maybe it’s a particularly beautiful sunrise you step outside to fully experience. Or maybe you develop a craving for a certain food, so you venture to the corner store. Whatever the inspiration, inevitably, you’ll be ready to start moving forward.

Initially, your friends and family may have been checking up on you, but the longer you are isolated, the less frequently they reach out. Now that you are awakening, you see that the rest of the world has already moved on. What you are missing now is company, but you may be too tender to reach out.

If this is your situation, commit to self-care.  Start by daydreaming about what would feel good who you would enjoy being with. One of my friends decided to take me to the beach. I didn’t have much energy, so I sat in my beach chair while she went on a walk. Basking in the sunshine, I enjoyed the rhythm of the waves and the children’s laughter at the shore.  This felt so good, and I knew I was ready to bring myself to the beach next time and go for a walk.

Instead of waiting for someone else to come along and sweep me away, I signed up for a ceramics class. This was a safe space for me to observe, listen and learn. And feeling the clay in my hands again after so long was refreshing. I realized that my creativity nurtures me, and I decided to do more. I also enjoyed listening to the conversations of my fellow students and eventually joined in.

I gained strength by being with others, so I decided to create a group of people who were grieving and wanting to feel better. We could get together and write and share what we were writing. Strangers to each other at first, we became like family, caring for and supporting each other. And the group grew.

With Thanksgiving coming up, I had been dreading the holiday alone. Most people I knew already had plans for the day, so I decided to invite people I’d been missing to come to my house the week before Thanksgiving for a Friendsgiving celebration. Many people came and were thrilled to get together again. We ate and played music and games, having a wonderful time.

I realized I didn’t have to be alone. Many people had missed me and were at a loss of how to reconnect. Being with my friends, feeling the warmth of their care, I knew I was on my way forward, never to go back to the lonely, isolated place I’d been dwelling.

Now I know that while enjoying some alone time and rest, being with old and new friends is where I am meant to be. Now I facilitate gatherings, I take and teach classes, and I don’t hesitate to reach out when I desire company. With those people I touch now, I am developing rich, deep relationships which greatly enhance our life experiences, and I am grateful.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

A Good Death

by

I put myself through college by working as a Licensed Vocational Nurse. People in the medical field are sometimes approached by others for medical advice. I didn’t give medical advice, but I did help people when I could. One day, a friend of a friend called me and said that her mother was staying at her home while she was on Hospice. She said that her regular visiting nurse couldn’t come in that day and that her mother needed to be bathed and to give her medications, and she asked me if I could help. So, I did.

When I arrived, the mother’s family was gathered around her, though she was no longer speaking. I suggested that for her privacy that they could wait in the other room while she got her bath. I gave her a bed bath, which was a beautiful experience as she was so peaceful. During the bath, I sensed she was transitioning. I took her pulse, which was very slow and irregular, and her breathing had slowed way down.

By the end of her bath, her heart had stopped. I put on the powder that she loved and dressed her in a fresh nightgown. She looked comfortable. I told her family that her breathing and heart had stopped and that she was no longer in pain. They gathered around her, and I quietly slipped away.  On my drive home, I realized she had a good death.

What would you consider a good death? For your loved ones? For you? Although my mother dealt with the effects of a brain tumor for a couple of years, she died in her bed with me by her side, giving her permission to go. My dad died a good death in that he had a heart attack and didn’t have to struggle with pain or a long hospitalization. My husband Ron died a good death as the last week of his life he was on hospice, and he got to say goodbye to his friends and family who had traveled to Maui to be with him. And he face-timed with those who couldn’t make the trip to Maui. My mother-in-law died a good death in the hospital where she wanted to be. I was by her side giving her permission to go, and she got to avoid having surgery she didn’t want for a bowel obstruction.

The experience that I had with my mother and mother-in-law of giving them permission to let go is often done.  When people realize that death is near, they may fear death, or they may not want to cause pain to their loved ones by having them present to witness the death.  I have given the same message to others, and they all seemed to relax as they died. For these people, their death was good.

The key to having a good death is to speak openly about the inevitability of death with your loved ones. Think about what is important to you and to your loved ones not only for your death but also theirs.  Here are some ideas for what to talk about:

  • You may want all lifesaving procedures to be done if your heart stops. Or you may not want this.
  • You may want to die with dignity. Define what that means to you.
  • You may want to have a feeding tube to bring you nutrition if you can no longer swallow. Or you may not want a feeding tube ever.
  • You may have religious or spiritual considerations you want followed.
  • You may want your quality of life considered when decisions are being made regarding life savings measures.
  • You may not choose to obey a doctor’s orders, and you have a right to make that decision.

Now is the time for you to have these conversations and to examine how you feel about all of this.

My definition of a good death is one where my wishes for me are followed and where I am pain free.  What is your definition of a good death?

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance, which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

We Get By With A Little Help From Our Friends  

by

I just finished going through all my emails with updates relating to the Maui Fires.  The three biggest fires are not contained, but they will be soon. Maui residents are pulling together to help in any way we can. With almost 5,000 people without housing who have lost everything, there is so much to do.  The creativity people demonstrate is inspiring. Hawaii musicians are coming together to stage concerts. Restaurants are having fundraisers. Grocery Stores are collecting donations at checkout with the donation amount printed on the receipt for tax deductions. Maui artist Rebecca Lowell decorated an evacuation center with her artwork. And so much more! Michael Franti, who lives in California, is my favorite singer. In a bold way, he brings his music of peace and love around the world. He raised and donated $35,000 to Maui.

We keep hearing about how people step in and help in so many ways. I even did a Facebook fundraiser and raised over $6,000.

During my life, I have made many friends along the way. Even if I don’t see them or talk to them, I still consider them friends. Going through this devastating experience on our beautiful island home, I am grateful to all my friends who have reached out to me. I’ve had wonderful, long phone calls and many texts and emails. I’ve heard from classmates all the way back to kindergarten. I have heard from colleagues from different careers I have had. I’ve heard from neighbors from different places I’ve lived. I’ve heard from people who have read my books and people who participate in the Grief and Happiness Alliance and more. I am realizing how much love and friendship I have experienced, and that is soothing to my soul.

After my husband Ron died, I was searching for what I was supposed to do. From that came my commitment to provide comfort, support, love, and happiness to people dealing with grief and loss. I am doing that by writing my books, hosting my podcast, and facilitating the Grief and Happiness Alliance.  I love following this path. As the reality of the tremendous loss on our island sinks in, I realize how much I can do right here. I am grateful for the opportunity to help people deal with all this loss by writing about it.

Are you writing about your grief and loss? If not, this is a good time to start.

Are you in touch with all your friends you would like to be? If not, reach out.

 

The Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization has established a Maui Grief Relief fund. From every $25 donated to this fund, we give a copy of The Grief and Happiness Handbook to a Maui resident. And we use the funds to establish writing groups on Maui to help our residents through this mutual loss.  We’d love for you to donate to that fund by clicking here.

If you would like to donate to Maui Food Bank, you can click here.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance, which meets weekly on Sundays, by clicking here.

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Handbook by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

Lani

by

Yesterday I went to the beach here on Maui to watch a group of children learn about a special tradition we do in Hawaii. There were twelve children, 6 boys and 6 girls. They were brought together by two organizations, Experience Camps and Camp Manitou to spend 5 days in beautiful Maui. All the children are dealing with the grief of a close loved one. I went to their special ceremony on their final day.

We met on the beach, and a Kupuna, an honored Hawaiian elder, spoke about how in Hawaii, the people looked up at the sky and noticed how it joins with the ocean where they blend together. She said how most people look into the sky for heaven, but Hawaiians see the ocean and sky together as one, and they call that Lani, the Hawaiian word for heaven. In Hawaii, when someone dies, a celebration is often held at the beach, where flowers are released into the ocean/lani to celebrate them.

The children and their counselors all went out into the ocean in canoes and on paddle boards. They gathered in a group where orchids and plumerias were given to the children to release into the water. Then to their surprise, a helicopter arrived above them. Because it was a rescue helicopter, it had a siren going, which delighted the children. Then cascades of flowers were released over the children to join them in honoring their loved ones. All of the adults on the beach were in awe and tears.

In our society, we often equate grief with older people, yet we all experience different kinds of grieving throughout our lifetimes. The concept of death may sometimes be beyond the understanding of our children, and they are often left alone in their sorrow or, even worse, taunted or bullied about their grief by their peers.  Allowing children to be with others who are also dealing with loss can help normalize the experience for them.

I am including the link below for Experience Camps which has a beautiful, inspiring short video about Experience Camps, and an article from their website called “Can we please stop grief shaming.” Think about the grief children are experiencing. You’ll never know when you may discover a child you can comfort during this challenging experience.

When my husband Ron died, the people who attended the ash scattering service all showed up with grocery bags full of flowers from their yards for us to take out on the canoes to release with the ashes. Then when my sister died during the pandemic, I couldn’t go to be with my family. I took flowers from my yard to the beach and released them thinking of her. Yesterday the Kapuna handed me flowers, so I released them into the lani with such sweet memories. This beautiful tradition I will always remember, and whenever I go to the ocean, I will do so with love, sweet memories, and flowers.

 

Link to Experience Camps

Link to Experience Camps blog Can We Please Stop Grief Shaming?

Link to Camp Manitou

 

https://experiencecamps.org/

https://experiencecamps.org/blog/can-we-please-stop-grief-shaming

https://campmanitou.mb.ca/

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Guide by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

 

Gathering

by

When I was at a meeting this week, the leader said whenever people come together, every person is meant to be there. I immediately thought of the Grief and Happiness Alliance. All the people who attend, all the people who discover the Grief and Happiness Alliance, find us for a reason. We come together seeking comfort, support, love, and happiness, and all that happens, as well as making new friends.

Initially, we said we were holding meetings or classes, but that never felt quite right. Then Rev Rachel, the president of our nonprofit association suggested that when we come together to write about grief and happiness related topics, talk about what we write, and make new friends that we could call this coming together gatherings. We all agreed!

We formed the Grief and Happiness Alliance Nonprofit Organization to provide financial support for these gatherings because we believe that anyone dealing with grief doesn’t need to pay for the support we give. We consider this funding to be like a scholarship that we bestow to those who participate as an act of service and love to those who attend.

All we ask in return for this gift is for people to show up and make the most of every moment of our gatherings which is a beautiful gift of self-care. Magic happens when we commit to attending and making new friends, exploring our grief, and realizing we can be happy at the same time. I love to see all the smiles at the end of each gathering.

To those who are attending, we thank you for your participation.  To those who would like to attend, we welcome you. And to those of you who know people that could benefit from what we offer, we welcome them too. Please feel free to invite anyone you’d like to.

We meet Sundays at 9 AM Hawaii time, noon Pacific time and 3 Eastern time. Register each week to receive the Zoom link by clicking here.

Sign up for our newsletter to learn all we do by clicking here.

Visit our website by clicking here.

We look forward to seeing you at our gatherings.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Guide by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

Where Does the Time Go?

by

I don’t know about you,, but it seems that every day someone says, “I can’t believe it’s July already.” This year is half gone yet it seems like it barely got started!  When I reflect on the year so far, there is so much I don’t remember, but I realize that’s because I’ve been so busy that I rush through most of what I do.

My birthday is coming up soon, so I have been thinking about my age and realize I don’t have anywhere near the number of days left than the ones I’ve lived so far. Each of my coming days is a new opportunity to live my very best life, so I plan to make each of them the best they can be. To that end, my plan is to stop wasting time. I can expand my time by focusing on what I experience at the moment.

I admit that I sometimes get pulled into the siren song of the screen. When waiting for something, I’ll play just one more game, and that leads to playing another. There isn’t any benefit there except “killing time.” What an unpleasant expression! Why would I want to do that? Instead of killing time, I now plan to savor those moments. I can just be still and focus on my breathing. That feels so good.

I also know I can expand my time. When my day is jammed full of “stuff” I feel I have to do, I find myself racing to get it done, and by the end of the day, I am tired, and it seems that the day is too short. When I don’t over-plan my day, leaving space for downtime, my day feels longer.

Instead of packing my day with a mile-long to-do list, I choose the three most important things I plan to accomplish, and only when they are complete do I create a new list of the three things that are most important to me to finish. On each list, I am sure to include things like going for a walk, reading a novel for a half an hour, or baking a pie for dessert. When I sprinkle in fun, relaxing things like this in the list that I do to enjoy, I still accomplish what I need to each day while I am taking good care of myself by making time for things that make me happy.

Instead of stressing about how much time it takes to do things, mindfully choose what you are using your energy for. When I spend an hour doing something I don’t enjoy, like entering data into my computer, it feels like four hours is an eternity, and I feel exhausted. When I spend an hour creating a watercolor-painted birthday card, it feels like time stops while I am creative, and I feel energized when I finish.

I love Simon and Garfunkel’s “59th Street Bridge Song,” otherwise known as Feeling Groovy. I smile knowing that’s a great way to feel:

“Slow down, you move too fast,

Got to make the morning last . . . .

Looking for fun and feeling groovy . . . .

Life, I love you, all is groovy.”

When you live mindfully, you can savor those moments you’ve expanded and feel groovy.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance, which meets weekly on Sundays, by clicking here.

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Guide by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here