The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Self-Care

Choose Your Guide

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Every Sunday the Grief and Happiness Alliance gathers on Zoom to write together and learn happiness practices. We write on different subjects every time, and when we share what we wrote about, we learn much from each other.

This week, I invited the participants to write a dialogue, a conversation with someone they would love to have a guide or mentor them through their grieving. Whoever they chose didn’t have to be living now. The range of people they chose revealed the distinctiveness of concerns the participants were dealing with.

One chose Maya Angelou because of her strength and tenacity in dealing with life. Ms. Angelou is a powerful storyteller who explores deep truths.  I was fortunate to be in her presence when I attended a conference where she was the speaker. I’ll never forget her powerful, resonant voice, which enlivened each word she uttered. Since that experience, whenever I read something she wrote, I hear her speaking the words in my mind and feel her power. I would love to have a conversation with her to hear her advice for me.

Another writer in our group chose Thich Naht Hanh, a Vietnamese Buddhist monk who is considered to be the “father of mindfulness.” With his gentle words, he explores concepts like loneliness, worrying, and peace with sage advice for anyone, yet we can apply that guidance to our grief experience now. Just thinking about his gentle spirit and tranquil smile brings me peace.

Others chose people like a favorite minister or a lifelong friend.  We were all seeking different types of guidance and comfort. I found myself in a conversation with my husband, Ron.  I asked him a question, and his words just poured out with consummate guidance that not only helped me right now but are guiding my next steps. When this happened, I realized I needed to contact him more often. Just as when we used to have our wonderful conversations on our lanai, we can still have them now. I just realized that the word for patio in Hawaiian is lanai, and the word for heaven is lani. So similar. Our very special place to spend time together is still here and is heavenly.

Who would you like to have as your guide or mentor as you deal with grief? You could have more than one. When you keep your heart open to inspiration, you discover your guidance is already there, waiting for you to notice it.

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance, which meets weekly on Sundays, by clicking here.

You can order the International Best Selling The Grief and Happiness Guide by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

Reflections on Manifestations 

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My new book, The Grief and Happiness Handbook, launches this Friday, July 7, 2023. Last week, my publisher asked me what my intention is related to the book. I told her that the book is a bestseller, and I am thrilled because I know it is bringing comfort, support, love, and happiness to all who read it. Now I am watching that manifestation unfold.

I did some serious soul-searching after my husband Ron died. We moved to Maui just two years before his transition. I had met wonderful neighbors and some of Ron’s friends from when he lived here long before I knew him. At that point, though, I was pretty much alone and longed to know what I was supposed to do with the rest of my life. In my exploration process, I journaled a lot, revealing to me the value of writing to deal with loss.

I realized that my new purpose in life was to help myself by helping others deal with their grief using writing in the process.

When Ron’s friend Chappy died a few months after Ron, I decided to write his dear wife Lori a card every week for a year. As I created those cards, I realized I had an outline for a book with the subjects of those 52 cards. I had written three university-level textbooks at that point, and I was teaching writing at the university, so writing a book helping people learn how to write through grief seemed to be my logical goal. My challenge was finding a publisher.  My agent and I worked for months approaching publishers.

A friend invited me to attend a group where people shared what they were manifesting and then supported each other toward those manifestations.  I went with her and told my new friends that I was manifesting the publisher for my book. I continued to focus on that and attend the meetings, and in two months, I had my publisher.

When I wrote my next book, my publisher wanted to wait a year or two before they published it, and since I didn’t want to wait, I set my intention to manifest the perfect publisher for my new book. When I talked to one of my podcast guests, she told me how wonderful her publisher is, so I approached that publisher, Ignite Publishers, and my guest was right.  Ignite is a wonderful publisher.

I am reflecting on being grateful to manifest the perfect publishers for these two books this week. I became aware of the process of manifestation after my husband Jacques died.  Two friends of mine suggested that I watch the movie The Secret. The movie is about the power of manifestation and stars many experts in the field, including Michael Bernard Beckwith, founder of the Agape International Spiritual Center; Jack Canfield, creator of the Chicken Soup for the Soul series; and Marci Shimoff, author of Happy for No Reason and founder of the Happy For No Reason Certified Trainer program.  In the years after I watched that movie, these three people have assisted me in my efforts to help those dealing with loss. I found that Michael Bernard Beckwith was a childhood friend of my husband Ron. He conducted the celebration of life we held for Ron and wrote the forward to my book Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief. Jack Canfield did a beautiful interview with me about that book. You can watch it on my website. And Marci welcomed me into her happiness training program and wrote the forward for my new book, The Grief and Happiness Handbook.

When I watched The Secret, I had no idea how it would help me on my journey. By being willing and open to living my best life, much wonder and good has come to me. Looking back, I realize that I have been manifesting things throughout my life without realizing that was what I was doing. For instance, in every job I have had, I was invited to do rather than search for a job. I’ve manifested buying and selling homes with ease and grace.  I manifested creating my live theatre. I manifested perfect roles for me to perform in plays.  And I could go on forever.

Manifestation is a powerful tool to create your dreams. I encourage you to manifest your best life or maybe, like me, realize that is what you have been doing all along.

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance, which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

Wanting

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When you want something, you don’t have it. That may sound like a simple sentence, yet it is so important.  Think about when you have used the word “want.” I want a vacation. I want some apple pie.  I want someone to love.  What is common in all these sentences is what you don’t have.

If you say, “I want to feel better,” what you get is the “wanting” of feeling better. You won’t feel better when you are still wanting to.  When you say, “I feel better,” what happens? You feel better. You have given yourself instructions that you are following.

Something similar happens when you use the word “have.”  I caught myself saying, “I have a headache.” Now why would I want a headache? Saying, “I am happy that I feel great,” allows you the space to feel great.

I often hear the phrase, “Be careful what you wish for,” which applies here. When you say, “I want” or “I wish,” that’s what you get.  If you say, “I want to take a class,” that’s just a wish. Signing up for a class and attending that class makes it happen.  If you say, “I don’t want to feel this way,” you focus on the negative. Try saying something like, “I am feeling better every day.”

Try this: whenever you catch yourself saying “I want” or “I have,” turn that sentence around so you start it with. “I am.”  When you proclaim who you are, that’s what you get. I often write in my journal things like, “I am strong,” or “I am healthy,” or “I am loved unconditionally,” and guess what happens? I recognize I am strong, healthy, and loved unconditionally!

Pay attention to when you say, “I want” or “I have.” When you do say things like that, stop yourself, and turn around what you said to something positive and present. You will be so glad you did.

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

The Power of Optimism

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I lived most of my life in neutral, with sometimes sprinkles of happiness and sadness. In dealing with grief, I found myself more often on the sad end of the scale. When I realized that’s where I was, I made on conscious effort to tip the scales in my favor and spend my time on the top seat of that teeter-totter. I read much about happiness, became a Happy for No Reason Certified Trainer, started the Grief and Happiness podcast, and listened to happiness podcasts.

I learned that in early grief I easily fell into the role of “catastrophizer” where I magnified my woes and focused on the worst that could happen. That did not serve me and made it difficult to move forward with my life. When I came to understand what I was doing, my epiphany was that I was in charge of my thought patterns, and I knew I could change my mind. When I chose to dispute my catastrophic thoughts and focus instead on positivity, I found the power of optimism.

With the birth of positive psychology by psychologist Marty Seligman, more research on happiness resulted in great books, fascinating podcasts, and university classes about Happiness. One of my favorite happiness experts is Dr. Laurie Santos who created a Happiness course at Yale University which has become the most popular course there in its 300-year history. She also hosts a delightful podcast, The Happiness Lab, which I highly recommend.

All the scientific research has demonstrated innumerable benefits of happiness. A few of those benefits are:

  • Optimists try harder.
  • People like to be around optimists.
  • Optimists tend to do their best at whatever they do.
  • Prosperity comes more easily to optimists.
  • Optimists are likely to live longer.

When you emphasize happiness in your life, you will keep feeling better and better. This is something we all crave while grieving. The self-care of paying attention to keeping your emotions positive allows you to experience more positivity which in turn lightens your grief.

So, in the words of Bobby McFerrin, “Don’t worry! Be Happy!”

 

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

Be a Day Maker

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My granddaughter came to my rescue when I was having a challenge on how to do something on my computer. We had a Zoom call and worked together, and we had a great conversation. That made my day! The next day a good friend asked me to Zoom with him. We laughed so much together as we were catching up, and that made my day.  Then another good friend called me on the phone to see how I was doing. We had a thought-provoking conversation that I hadn’t realized I needed. And it was lovely just to hear her voice. Again, that made my day.

These contacts are extra special to me especially because I live in Hawaii, the most remote place in the world. It’s easy to lose touch with loved ones who live far away. Each of these calls brightened my day and brought me happiness and loving support. I started thinking about other things that would fit in that category, and I thought of lots from just the last few days. A friend brought me some juicy fresh figs, another friend brought me packages of seeds for my garden, and another friend took all my cardboard to the recycling center for me. And my day was brightened by chare vegetables from my garden with my neighbors and teaching happiness techniques at the Grief and Happiness Alliance meetings.

Knowing wonderful people and interacting on so many levels brighten my life every day. I encourage you to think about what brightens your day. If something doesn’t come to mind right away, think some more.  We have a tendency to look at the negative first which can block our realization of what is good for us that we are already experiencing. If this is happening for you, try focusing on the good things that happen in your life, and make a conscious effort to do something to brighten someone’s day every day, and pay attention to how good that feels!

How can you help make the day for someone else today? What can you do for yourself that can make your day? Be sure to do whatever it takes to make today your best day!  Then keep doing that every day.  You’ll be so glad you did!

 

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here

Your Words

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William Shakespeare wrote many plays: comedies, histories, and tragedies. He also wrote poetry, especially sonnets. He wrote all this centuries ago, yet his words are read, spoken, and performed around the world still. Have you thought about the power and importance of the words you write?

In Macbeth Shakespeare wrote:

“Give sorrow words.

The grief that does not speak

Whispers the o’er fraught heart,

And bids it break.”

When I read these words, I contemplated all the words I have given to my grief.  In early grief, the words seemed to float in my consciousness, not sticking together or seeming to make sense.  I realized that to be able to truly contemplate my situation, I had to find a way to tie the words together into thoughts to give my sorrow words. So, I started writing.

My early grief writing was fragmented and written without a clear sense of purpose. When a thought was not clear, I started writing out what I was thinking.  The more I wrote, the clearer my ideas became.  This was not writing I would share with anyone. I used it for reflection. I explored the spaces left empty from my loss to fill them up with a new sense of purpose.

The more I wrote, the more I expressed my grief by committing my thought to paper, and the more I could see I was making progress in moving forward. I started craving the process of writing making my journal my cherished friend. The more I wrote, the better I felt as I was making discoveries about who the new me was becoming.

My career teaching writing at the university imbued in me the importance of the written word. I chose to start channeling my writing into the comfort and support I could bring to those dealing with grief and loss. By becoming comfortable with the words I shared, I saw the value of my experience to shepherd others through their loss. The Grief and Happiness Alliance has allowed me that opportunity.

The words you commit to writing can support you immeasurably now and can comfort your loved ones in the future.

Write on–

 

You can sign up for our newsletter by clicking here.

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here.

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, by clicking here

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, by clicking here