The Grief and Happiness Alliance

Self-Care

Finding Happiness During The Holidays

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If you are anticipating that your holidays will not be the same as they were before, you are correct. They won’t be the same, yet when you look at all your holidays past, none of them were the same. Now is the time to take really good care of yourself and create the holidays you would like to have this year.

Consider what is most important to you during the season. Prioritize what you would love to experience.  Here are some ideas.

  • What holiday event have you always wanted to go to but for some reason, it didn’t fit into your plans in the past.
    • Have you been to a live performance of the Nutcracker Ballet?
    • How about a performance of Handle’s Messiah?
    • Maybe there is a local play or choir concert.
  • What could you do to serve those less fortunate where you live?
    • Maybe you could plan a pampering day for women in a local shelter.
    • If you’d like a big holiday dinner, who can you invite who would have been alone at dinner time?
    • Is there a local food drive you could make a part of your new holiday tradition?
  • Maybe you could do something special for the children in your family or neighborhood.
    • Gathering children to do a craft project to create a paper chain where they write their wishes on the links could be fun.
    • You could gather some children and read positive stories to them.
    • You could accompany children to go caroling around the neighborhood or to a senior center
    • Schedule selfcare just to pamper you.
    • Schedule a manicure or a facial.
    • Invite a friend you’d love to spend some time with to coffee or to lunch.
    • Go someplace you have never been before for the holidays

On every holiday, I write a letter to who I am grieving. In my case, there are several people, so there are several letters.  I take my time with each letter writing out whatever I want to tell them.  Sometimes I have tears when I write the letters, and just as often, I smile.  I open my heart and reflect on how my life is going, and most times, despite some sorrow, I feel better each time I write the letters.

My favorite part of my letter writing is that after I write each letter, I write a second letter from the person I wrote to back to me. I don’t think about what I write or judge what I am saying.  I just let my thoughts flow, and when I finish the letter, I take a deep breath, and then I read that letter.  This is a time of discovery for me. I reflect on the depth of love, respect, caring, and kindness of the loved ones I am corresponding with. And I know each of them is always in my heart forever.

Instead of anticipating sorrow for the season, focus on planning joy. Focus on your precious self. When you take good care of yourself first, you can relish in the discover of the joy and positivity that will flow your way.

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, here:

https://smile.amazon.com/Ignite-Forgiveness-Journey-Peace-Harmony-ebook/dp/B0BLFCYYD6/ref=sr_1_1?crid=9C6VAFE42H5C&keywords=ignite+forgiveness+book&qid=1669836040&sprefix=Ignite+forg%2Caps%2C284&sr=8-1

 

Can You Change?

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Whether you like it or not, change happens.  Whether you want it or not, change happens. Have you ever thought about that? As much as we expect or would love for things not to change, almost everything does.

When I was growing up, everyone I knew was expected to graduate from high school and get a job that would last a lifetime. At least the boys were.  The girls were expected to stay home to be great mothers and homemakers, and oh the guilt if a girl dared to go to college. I did buck the trend. I went to college, but after a year, I got married. The pressure to do what I was supposed to do was so strong that I gave in to try to be “normal.”

Though it took me years, I finally realized that I could make decisions. I’m so glad I did.  I made my own decisions, and this was so freeing for me, and for my family and loved ones. I learned that I didn’t have to stay in a job I thought was a lifetime career when it was no longer in alignment with what I believed.  Years passed in that dream job before I started realizing I was surrounded by racism and homophobia. And when I walked away from that job, a whole knew, beautiful career opened up for me that never would have had I not been open to change.

Do you willingly embrace change, or do you resist changing what you are comfortable with? Generally, we are not prepared to change when we are comfortable with our lives. But we don’t always know when change will come, so we can’t prepare.  Devastation can come with a traffic accident, a crime committed, a wedding cancelled, a child with a physical challenge is born, or a terminal illness is diagnosed.

The key to dealing with change in a positive way is to be flexible, open, and willing for things to be different. That’s the way to welcome change when grief comes. When we come to accept that things will never be the same as they were before, then we can start to see that we can live with how things have become different.

I had never lived alone before Jacques died, and I had no idea what to do by myself. But I was by myself and had to figure it out. I did sit by myself at home for quite a while until I knew I that I didn’t want to be sad and lonely forever. When that realization came, I did start to open. I started volunteering. I started going to events, even by myself. I accepted invitations. I can’t say this was easy, at least at first. But the more I did, the more I could do.

Change was gradual, and it was also necessary and beautiful. Thirty-year old me would not have believed that I would ever become a university lecturer, the owner of a theatre, school of arts, art gallery, café and catering company, author, speaker, and so much more. I am so grateful, that I allowed myself to break away from who I thought I was supposed to be and have become who I always had the potential to be.

You have the potential to nurture yourself positively through your grief and lead the miraculous life that is waiting for you.

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

You can order the International Best Selling book in 9 countries that I wrote a chapter in, Ignite Forgiveness, here:

https://smile.amazon.com/Ignite-Forgiveness-Journey-Peace-Harmony-ebook/dp/B0BLFCYYD6/ref=sr_1_1?crid=9C6VAFE42H5C&keywords=ignite+forgiveness+book&qid=1669836040&sprefix=Ignite+forg%2Caps%2C284&sr=8-1

Healing My Heart

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When my husband Jacques died, I had many different physical symptoms like a flair of inflammation and insomnia. I spent too much time with doctors trying to find relief, but I eventually did feel better.

Then when Ron’s heart started to fail, I was challenged too.  My blood pressure was way too high which was especially strange to me because I had always had low blood pressure, and I developed an arrythmia in my heartbeat.  While I was concerned, I was mostly focused on Ron and caring for him.

After Ron transitioned, my blood pressure stayed high, and I could even feel my rapid pulse and get light headed. Back to the doctor I went, and my cardiologist told me I had PTSD.  Instead of giving me more medicine, he advised me to stop taking several of the drugs I had been taking. I started feeling physical better when I did this. I had an echocardiogram at this time which showed that the wall of my heart had thickened because my high blood pressure was causing it to work so hard.

My blood pressure was still high and would elevate to dangerous levels. I decided to do whatever I could to start helping myself.  I started being mindful of what I was eating. I took daily walks. I meditated and wrote in my journal every day. And what seems to help me most was helping others by teaching them how to write to deal with their grief. I also became a Happy For No Reason Certified Trainer and started infusing happiness with my teaching and everything else I did.

I started feeling much better and didn’t notice my racing pulse anymore. My blood pressure gradually went down to a normal range consistently.  This all happened when I realized that by doing when I am doing, I am happier now than I ever have been.

This week I had an appointment with my cardiologist after I had a new echocardiogram done, and she was delighted that the thickening of the wall of my heart was no longer there. I asked her how that could be, and she explained that since my heart didn’t have to work so hard because of the hypertension, it was able to heal and she said that now my heart looks perfect.

I recalled hearing how our whole body replaces itself every seven years, so I decided to discover what I could about that.  I found this fascinating article: https://www.discovery.com/science/Body-Really-Replace-Itself-Every-7-Years

I found out that our body is constantly changing in different ways so it made perfect sense that my heart could heal.  What made even more sense was that all I had been doing to take good care of myself actually did make a huge difference in my life. I am now more motivated than ever to keep up all those good self-care habits I started, and I am encouraging others about how important self-care is.

I suggest you eat well, go for a walk, write in your journal, read a good book, weed your garden, visit with friends, and maybe even dance.

Find happiness in your beautiful self, and you will feel so much better!

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

The Truth

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Do you always tell the absolute truth? The most common answer to this question is “Of course I only tell the truth!” But do you? Really?

Years ago, there were many stories that I told. I wasn’t trying to be dishonest. I was trying to feel better about myself.  I felt that I could be seen in a better light if I just enhanced what I was saying just a little bit, but if that enhancement didn’t happen or didn’t happen the way I described, what I said wasn’t the truth.

One relationship I had ended badly, so when anyone would ask me about it, the story I told made me a victim and the other person the villain. I wasn’t exactly lying. I was trying to be persuasive and get sympathy. I look back now at my sorry self and see how what I said just made things worse.

Can you think of a time when you fudged a little? Something could be as simple as writing the weight you’d like to be rather than your actual weight on a health questionnaire is an example. Or something like telling yourself that buying just one extra carton of ice cream won’t affect your weight, when you know for you that one extra carton leads to three since they are on such a good sale.

Your dishonestly can be even more troubling when you say what you want to be true, like telling someone you love them because they said it first instead of recognizing that is not how you feel at that point.  You aren’t telling the truth when you embellish what you are saying like “That pie you made was so good,” when you knew it was a struggle to take another bite.  You just didn’t want to hurt the baker’s feelings. What you didn’t know when you said that was because of your compliment, that baker made several of that same pie for the bake sale later that week.  Those poor people who bought something they thought would be good and your baker friend lost their reputation as a good cook.

Little lies can build up locking you in a trap of having to create bigger lies to cover up for the first thing you said. Maybe when asked about the skills of a friend, you exaggerated because you knew that what you said could get them the job they needed. When that didn’t work out, then you found yourself being more dishonest when you tried to cover for what you said in the first place.

Lies we tell ourselves while we are grieving are things like, “I will never be happy again,” or “I can’t get over how I am feeling.”  What do you say about your grief that isn’t exactly true or that you don’t know if it is true or not?  Remember, if you say something often enough, it can become your truth. And I know you would love to feel better.

Be mindful of what you say. When you aren’t completely sure if something is completely true, don’t say it. What often happens is that we speak first and think about what we said later. The trouble with this is once the words come out of your mouth, you can’t take them back.

When I finally realized that I was not being exactly truthful because it was easier or because I just didn’t think before I spoke, I knew that not being in integrity was hurting me. Now I have developed the habit of being mindful of what I say, of thinking before I speak. I no longer embellish, exaggerate, or just fudge a little with what I say. Changing this behavior was not quick and took dedication, and it was so worth it.

True happiness can only come with true integrity.

 

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

Why Am I Happy?

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When I mention the name of my podcast, Grief and Happiness, to someone, I generally get comments of how those two words don’t go together, but I know in my heart that they do.

People generally think of grief being negative reminding them of great sorrow. I understand that, and I also know that grief is the natural reaction to the loss of a loved one or other kind of traumatic loss.  Yet we can’t stay I that dark place for too long without starting to lose grip on the potential of happiness.

Think of a time when you fell in love.  That was the highest natural high I ever experienced.  Everything is beautiful. Your heart races when you see your loved one. You crave that special touch and tingle all over when you get it. And you revel in pure joy. As incredible as this time is, the relationship gradually settles into a secure, comfortable knowingness of the security true love brings.

Just as you can’t stay at the peak of that passion, you can’t stay at the peak of despair. You may feel that your grief will never lighten, but it does usually so slowly that you don’t notice it is happening. This is the natural order of things. As the grief lessens, breathing becomes easier, your heart doesn’t feel so heavy. Your world doesn’t seem as dark.

When you first start to smile a little, this may feel unnatural, yet gradually, smiling is easier to do. You can notice something that reminds you of something positive about your loved one and you smile without realizing you are. The more you allow yourself to smile, the better you will feel, and laughter will trickle in.

Take a moment to remember something that brings a smile to you about your loved one. Remember what it was like to feel that smile returned to you with love. Revel in that feeling. Know that if your loved one was sitting with you right now, that’s what would happen, your smiles reflecting each other. And it feels good, doesn’t it?

I remember my husband tell me that he always wanted me to be happy, to feel joy. When I start to feel in a funk, I’ll recall his smile and my lips just naturally turn up.

Happiness and grief do go hand in hand.  When you love someone, you want them to be happy.  When you love yourself full out, you want yourself to be happy too. Focus on joy. Focus on positivity. Focus on Love.  Be happy because that is the best way to live, and your loved one would want that for you.

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763

I’m Sorry for Our Loss

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Those who know me know I frequently ask people to not say “I’m sorry for your loss.”  This phrase grates as trite and something people say out of a sense of obligation to recognize someone’s loss then rush on to what they actually want to talk about.

I just got home from a nine hour flight where I binge watched the series “And Just Like That . . . .”  because I heard it deals with loss in many different ways. While the subject matter of the show won’t appeal to everyone, one particular line caught my attention.

In an effort to offer condolences, a character said that dreaded “I’m sorry for your loss.” The person responding said “I’m sorry for our loss.” That took my breath away. Finally someone gets it. Sharing grief multiplies the comfort of community.

A person who is offering sympathy is often grieving for the same person, or they may be grieving someone else. All of us are grieving someone or something most of the time. The challenge comes when we lack support and comfort. By saying “our,” we bring the person speaking into our circle.

Saying “I am sorry for our loss” can open communication by recognizing your own grief and recognizing the grief of someone who is trying to support you.

Next time someone says, “I am sorry for your loss,” be a mirror to them with your reply. This can lead to a deeper friendship and the warmth of understanding.

To each person reading this, I am sorry for our loss.

 

 

Get your Awaken Your Happiness Journaling Guide at no charge by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/pl/2147595767

You can join the Grief and Happiness Alliance which meets weekly on Sundays by clicking here: https://www.griefandhappiness.com/offers/ytK7eLBa

You can order Loving and Living Your Way Through Grief by clicking here at Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Living-Your-Though-Grief/dp/1642504823/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1658356016&sr=8-1

You can listen to my podcast, Grief and Happiness, here. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/loving-and-living-your-way-through-grief-with/id1509589686?i=1000535381763